Hope I'm not tempting fate with that thread title
This is intended as a friendly, kind, safe, warm and fuzzy place for people to share discounts, bargains and Christmas gift ideas both online and IRL. Please note the tone and intention of the thread and join with spirit as generous as DC helping themselves to the Christmas chocolate celebrations .

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You are all wonderful and I’m now going back to my mince pie and stollen (never too early!).

We have had a cleaner for coming up to 4 years now and she’s brilliant, no complains from us whatsoever.

The reason we have a cleaner is because, like most people who do, we find it makes life much easier with a young child, and both my DH and I working a substantial distance from home, about an hour to an hour and a half’s commute a few times a week plus starting this year, school drop offs and pick ups etc. Our lives are chaotic but nothing out of the ordinary for young-ish professionals with a young child, except maybe the substantial commutes. Having a cleaner is definitely a God send!

Apparently, however, today she pulled my husband aside as he was WFH and told him that we need to do better, because she needs to do a “hard factory reset” every time she comes over.

Our house was definitely messy today after a weekend where we hosted and were away on the Saturday! But we don’t leave disgusting messes, food, we don’t have bugs etc (feel ashamed to even have to say this!), we aren’t hoarders, and our house is just a normally messier than we’d like it to be but not disgusting by any means 3 bed. The best way to put this would be, I guess, if announced guests had popped up today I would not have thought it the best time and would have said “sorry for the mess” but I wouldn’t have been excessively worried or scrambling about to get the place ready, as I wouldn’t have thought there was anything particularly bad about it just not “visitor-ready” and messy.

I feel so embarrassed now though and mum guilt has kicked in - I keep thinking that there’s plenty of full time working parents who don’t have a cleaner so what am I doing wrong.

She only does 2 hours a week but she did start out doing 3, with the idea initially being that she would do the general clean in 2 hours and do one deep-cleaning thing each time, she is the one who asked for fewer hours. We pay above the average rate which is not me congratulating ourselves by any means and we never minded as she does do an excellent job, just to clarify we are not under-paying her or anything like that!

I guess I just feel a bit ashamed and don’t know if she had a point or was this weird? Presumably people have cleaners to clean and sometimes the house is not in top shape when your cleaner arrives, but I thought that was normal? As I said we never leave messes for her to deal with later on purpose or any disgusting things, but part of me can’t help but feel extremely ashamed and bad!

I know I'm being a bitch and ds father has every right to have the kids other Xmas and it should be taken in turns. But i have had them every year for 11 years. All the time his mum was alive he didn't want them. Now his mum is no.longer here he suddenly wants them at xmas. I don't have a problem with them being there I just feel a bit pissed off that they are suddenly wanted on Xmas day since his mum died. Why not when she was alive.

We don't always have Christmas on Christmas day so in general it doesn't make a difference to me.

15yo DD has purchased this dress to wear to a wedding and she loves the fit of the dress, and it's the only one that we've tried that she likes, so it will be the one that she's wearing, but we need help with shoes/cardigan/jacket? etc.

Can anyone suggest anything?

Thanks

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

I’m a single parent of 3 young children - I’ve just gone back to work this month after being a SAHM and I’ve had an absolute nightmare with the childcare funding.

I applied for the childcare at the end of July, got a code then had an email to reconfirm a few days later which I did so I thought it was all done from my end. I have just logged onto the portal tonight to check the code is correct as nursery were querying it today and I’ve found two messages on there - one saying they need to speak to me to to verify my income and another saying as I didn’t not respond to the message my son is no longer entitled to 30hrs and I have missed the 30 day mandatory reconsideration deadline. I genuinely thought it was all done my end and if they needed anything more I would have at least got an email or a text.

I’ve spoke to the childcare service on the phone this evening and they have told me to submit an appeal which I have done tonight - but this can take 30 days to just get a response. They have said if they reject this then he will not get any funding until January.

i have emailed the nursery and let them know everything that has happened tonight and I’m trying to sort this out somehow tomorrow and I will let them know if I need to reduce his days as he will get the 15hrs still. I genuinely think I’m going to have to give up my job as the childcare bill would be more than my wage. I feel absolutely gutted about it and so angry. Has anyone been through this before?

Hi, I need to re vamp my wardrobe for autumn/winter and need some advice on how to incorporate a bit of 'edgy chic'. I'm early 40's, 5ft 2, size 14/16 and hour glass shape with big boobs and a bit of a mum tum. I have dark hair and olive skin, so tend to suit darker/autumn colours. I need a couple of staple bits, and some clothes I can also wear for work ( casual dress code). I already have some chunky boots and a grey leather jacket. I went shopping today in local town and it was totally uninspiring!

Breaking news in the Daily Mail. Duke and Duchess of Sussex's children 'removed from school after two days' mol.im/a/16130877 via https://dailym.ai/android

I do wonder if there is actually any school that will be able to meet their expectations in regard to security. I'm interested to see how it all plays out.

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

I work full-time in a global corporate role, usually 7:30 a.m.- 5:00 p.m., plus a little bit of extra work in the evening. DH is in a similar role, but starts later (he's roughly 9 a.m.–6:15 p.m.). We don't have family nearby. The kids are in primary school and use after-school club until I collect them.

I'm naturally quite introverted, mid 40s, and struggling with peri at the moment (on HRT but still have low mood and joint pain). DH is very involved and pulls his weight.

I'm lucky to have a steady job in this environment, and we have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm crumbling. Most days it feels as though I get on a treadmill at 7:30am and don't step off until about 8 p.m., when the kids are in bed. Then I have an hour of watching TV because I have no energy to do anything else, before doing it all again the next day. On weekends children have a club each morning, then we have chill family time (e.g. playground, park, pub) in the afternoon.

The children are wonderful if somewhat full-on, DH is a good guy, and I feel lucky to be employed. I just don't feel like I'm enjoying my life very much at the moment and find myself being grouchy and impatient because I feel so spent.

So, genuinely: if you work full-time with primary-aged children, what does your life look like outside work/childcare/admin? How do you make time for hobbies/friends/etc?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who don't have a big family support network. I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

Need a quick sanity check from other mums.

My DD (4) had a classmate over for a playdate after school today. The friend’s mum stayed for a tea. About half an hour in, the friend deliberately took a toy out of DD's hand and smashed it onto the hard floor, snapping it.

When I said, "Oh dear, we don't break things, let's apologize," the mum stepped in and said, "We don't use the word 'no' or enforce forced apologies, it suppresses his emotional processing." Then she just let him continue playing while my DD was sitting there in tears.

No offer to replace the toy, no conversation with him about being gentle. Just complete inaction under the guise of gentle parenting.

DH says kids will be kids and I shouldn't cut off a school friendship over one afternoon, but I honestly don't want to host them again if that's how it's going to be. AIBU to quietly stop inviting them over?

DH is constantly falling asleep around 9pm after drinking. We barely have any time together and we used to have sex often but because of his sleeping pattern it’s reduced significantly.

I caught him messaging an “acquaintance” from college where he failed to mention he was married (but mentioned a lot of other stuff). He told me this was for “nostalgia”. nothing sexual in those messages but that’s where I noticed a big change. she lives in Australia so no chance of meeting up but still.

I am fed up and said there’s a lack of intimacy. He told me that he spends “all his time” with me and has reduced his drinking for me. Then said he cooked me a meal on our anniversary (but left after an hour to go the gym).

he asked what intimacy I wanted, it felt embarrassing to say I want to feel wanted by you.

he then said I don’t ever do anything romantic for him, and that I’m “not seductive”.

when I said this was hurtful he said that romantic and seductive are the same thing. But then said he would expect me to be playful and welcome him home from the gym?

I’ve already told him the messages made me feel insecure and unattractive… and now I feel like I’m not exciting enough for him.

how do I even move passed a comment like that?

I’m prepared to be shot down in flames, but is RubPauls drag race the equivalent to the black and white minstrel show? maybe I should have posted this on the feminist board. Feel it’s just such an awful parody of women.

I am having a hard time with my mil. I come from a emotionally detached family, or just not as expressive and not as close knit. It has been an adjustment (married 11 years) now with 2 kids with my inlaws being more expressive, connected and closer. Mil moved closer and now lives in town. We see her often, but not too often that I feel suffocated. I have been diagnosed with OCD, for context.
2 years ago we had planned Christmas to see my sister for one evening, we see her only once a year, friends another evening and few other commitments like picking up my brother from the airport over the time that my sil was going to come and visit. She visits once a year and often wants to see our children.
i explained this on a group chat. My sil was going to come for 4 days. She then messaged, so we are only seeing you Christmas eve? My mil then phoned my husband in tears, that she feels upset that we are only seeing my sil one evening. My sil explained to me afterwards that she was sad, but did not express it at the time.
I became so upset about my mil expressing disappointment and am now questioning whether she actually would have wanted us to cancel our plans to see my sister to see his sister, if that is the case, I am possibly never going to get over it. She never said that, but feel like maybe she did want that. My husband just told her we are sticking to our plans but will see where we can find more time to see his sister. She accepted and that was the end of it.
i think i am worried about upcoming Christmases as a result. And I have deep resentment towards my mil for this.

Hi,

Am I being unreasonable about not being keen on my husband going away for the October bank holiday for a lads weekend.

I would normally not have an issue at all but he travels for work a lot and he will be gone for nearly a week just beforehand. So it's timing of them being so close to together that's the issue.

The work trip has been in the diary for months but the lads only decided to book the holiday last week. He'll be back on the Wednesday from the work trip and wants to fly out again on the Friday.

It's tough going minding our high energy 4 year old by myself especially for a long weekend. Our family will be away (they don't live locally either) so it'll just be me. Also the clocks are due to go back that weekend too so fun times 🥴

I’m looking for a few bits - some skirts, tops, maybe a nice chunky jumper or two. Maybe a pair of shoes too, ideally looking to spend under £400 for the lot.

Where are we shopping?!

I am not sure this is the right area to post this.
Apart from the everyday mess from DH, he is also a terrible hoarder. So home is as bad as the programs in TV (same excuses and lies from him too). He has recently applied for a job which will allow for more work from home. Quite frankly I am dreading it as it will include more mess (cooking snacks and bedding and paper work scattered around the place). He often makes this kind of mess when he has previously WFH and been ill/had annual leave We both work in stressful jobs btw. Working from home would help his stress and I understand that. He has been supportive when I've gone for jobs so I feel guilty for not being helpful and enthusiastic for him.

I didn't want to go on about how I hate living like this, but another issue that bugs me is that there is virtually no support for families of hoarders. Also from what I've read online, the ball is in their court and everyone else has to wait for the day they are ready.

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

If you have a child aged 4, 5 or 6...

... full day of childcare in the woods, only option for number two is 1) notify teacher, 2) teacher digs small hole, 3) child poops in hole, 4) teacher covers hole and helps child clean up.

YABU = my kid could cope with this, no problem

YANBU = this sounds like something my kid might find weird or difficult

Thanks!

What has been your cheapest yet most favourite present?
Mine is a little ceramic hedgehog that cost my sister 50p from a charity shop- I've had it years and for some reason it's my favourite gift ever!
Anyone got similar?

Another friendship thread, I'm afraid, but I think both people involved could use some perspective please!

First time posting and trying not to be outing, but potentially throwing a match on a car crash here!

Best friends for over 30 years. Extremely close, despite not living near one another. Basically family at this point.

They share a special interest and go to see live events together whenever practical. Friend A is diagnosed neurodivergent, Friend B suspects they are, so it very much is a special interest for them both, which is relevant. For the purposes of this, let's say motorsport.

They tried to arrange dates for some upcoming races together, which was a logistical nightmare given their different family commitments, but they had several provisional dates in mind ahead of tickets going on sale.

Friend A mentioned they also intended to try to get tickets to one additional race to attend separately with their teenage son, as this is something Friend A had wanted to do for a long time.

To be clear, this wasn't proposed as instead of attending races with Friend B. Friend A was considering going with their son on a date that Friend B could not attend, due to prior commitments.

Friend A still wanted to go to several races with Friend B, as normal.

Friend B said that they would consider Friend A attending a race without them a friendship dealbreaker and told Friend A not to book tickets to go with their son.

Friend A said that they valued the friendship enormously, but also felt they should be able to experience a race with their son.

No more was said about it and the friends continued to plan their trips together.

When tickets went on sale, they successfully booked tickets to a couple of races on dates that were mutually convenient.

Each friend had booked and paid for one of the races they planned to attend together and were excited to go.

Afterwards, Friend A managed to get tickets for the additional race with their son and, wanting to be honest with Friend B, told them.

Friend B was extremely upset and told Friend A that they hated them. Friend A apologised for Friend B being hurt, but would not apologise for wanting to have this experience with their son.

Friend B effectively ended the friendship on the spot and there has been no contact since. This was months ago.

To avoid dripfeeding, historically the friends have always exclusively gone to these events together, with the exception of when Friend B's father has joined them several times (he is in a wheelchair now and unfortunately unable to go anymore).

Both friends have teenagers who have expressed an interest in going over the years. Friend A has made attempts in the past to include them, but Friend B has always maintained that they prefer that the races remain something the two friends do exclusively together.

So now both of the friends own a set of tickets to upcoming races that they had intended to see together and a 30 year friendship seems to have ended quite abruptly!

Who, if anyone, is being unreasonable here?

Was Friend B right to be upset with Friend A for crossing a line, as the races were their thing?

Or was Friend A right to want to share a special interest with their son, whilst continuing the friendship tradition?

And given that Friend B had explicitly said beforehand that this would be a friendship dealbreaker, was Friend A unreasonable to go ahead anyway?

Does either friend owe the other an apology in order to save a 30 year friendship, or should both accept that there is no coming back from this?

Hopefully that all made sense!

For voting purposes:

YANBU = Agree with Friend A (you should be able to see a race with your son separately)

YABU = Agree with Friend B (the races were special to the friendship and you have effectively chosen your son over me)

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

I am looking for inspiration for an Easter holiday trip. It will be my husband, myself and possibly one of our adult children. We like a mixture of active, culture and relaxation. We have about 2.5 weeks.

We really enjoyed Vietnam this year.

Any inspiration would be great! Thanks.

Continuing the discussion, still interested, still not bored!