I think I’m falling for him

[MusicMagpie197]

Man I’ve known for years and always liked, a couple of months ago we got chatting and meet each week, enjoy company listen to music and have a few drinks and we always have sex. We text most days but I’m not clear in what he wants. I can feel myself catching feelings. Should I let him know? I don’t want to scare him away because either way I’d be happy to continue as we are so I don’t want to let him know and that makes him back off

Why not continue as you are until you would no longer be happy to continue as you are?

Yes I could do, I just find myself constantly wondering if he wants more. I think I get attached too quickly I knew this would happen

Focus on what you want, not what he might want. If you’re already developing feelings, and keep going as things are, are you likely to end up making yourself deeply unhappy? In your shoes, I’d tell him and say you’re ending the arrangement unless he can reciprocate.

But what is the arrangement, anyway! A no- strings FWB set up?

I don’t actually know what the set up but I can feel it’s starting to make me unhappy. After I have spent a night at his I am constantly checking my phone. I even find myself randomly crying.

Then I definitely don’t think you should continue this. Random crying fits aren’t usually a sign something is working for you.

If a man wants to make you his girlfriend, partner etc he will be decisive and leave you in no doubt. Sounds to me he is just wants casual. I would be direct and ask him.Then the power is in your control.

I’m thinking what if he is unsure what I want and that’s why he’s holding back

Can’t you ask him outright?

"Dave, just want to see if we're on the same page here. Are you happy to carryon this relationship as it is or do you want more of a commitment?"

His response will tell you what to do next. If you can have sex with someone, you can have this sort of conversation, surely?

yes
i can have the conversation but I don’t want it to put him off if all he wants is casual

I think you need to pull up your big girl pants and start as you mean to go on.....being honest about how you feel. If you can't even discuss if you want to be "serious" or not with him, how will you manage an actual relationship where you have to communicate effectively for it to work.

Communicate.

If he only wants casual and you want more, you're incompatible. I have a feeling that's the case and that's why you're in such an unhealthy headspace to the point you're bursting into tears. You don't want to put him off but it will become really obvious because your mental health is already taking a hit from the sound of it.

But it might be he wants more. You can't know until you, well, communicate.

You should want that, @MusicMagpie197 — if the alternative is you falling in love with someone who just sees you as a casual sex partner who’ll do for now until he meets someone he’s serious about.

If all he wants is casual it’s better to know. It sounds like you are already really attached as you seem scared to lose him if all he wants is a casual relationship. I think you will find a casual relationship hard as that doesn’t seem to be what you are looking for. You deserve better, be kind to yourself. On the other hand he could surprise you and want a relationship. Would you like some phrases to help broach the subject?

Why would you settle for less? This is why you’re crying, because you don’t respect yourself enough to put your needs first?

Do you go out for dates? Discuss your lives and interests etc or do you just stay in and have sex?

This.

Ultimately if you have feelings for him and they aren’t reciprocated that isn’t going to change, but it will hurt you far more to be cut off in 6 months time when he meets someone else than it would be to just lay your cards on the table and have it end now if you are incompatible.

But if all he wants is casual and it's never going to be more than that for him, you having the conversation isn't going to change that. What will change will be that you know where you stand.

At the moment you've got a split existence between a pink fluffy cloud of denial where it's not possible that you both want different things and it's all going to work out fine, and a gloomy cloud of occasional despair when you suddenly remember he might only be interested in a casual relationship. If he does want the same thing as you, you're going to lose the grey stormy bits. If he doesn't, you'll have one more storm to get through but then you'll be able to even things out again.

Or you can carry on scuttling from storm to increasingly intense storm.

OP I think you need to have a much higher opinion of your worth and not be willing to sell yourself short. You say you are happy to carry on as is, but that is not really true is it? You are willing to accept the status quo if that is all that is on offer because to you right now that is better than nothing because you have already fallen for him and you are willing to take whatever you can get. As this carries on you will get more and
more unhappy I fear as this remains undefined and he has plausible deniability. Please do yourself a favour, rip the bandage off. Tell him you have caught feelings and want to make a go of a real relationship. If that is not where he is, have the self respect to walk away now. It won’t get easier.

either way I’d be happy to continue as we are

That's not true. You've said you're becoming unhappy. That's really obvious if you're in tears after you spend a night with him. This is the honeymoon period, the beginning, and you're crying. You should enjoy dating and if it's making you so miserable you're crying after a nice evening, something's not right. After a mere couple of months, he might not even know where it's going. But it's time to have the conversation about your feelings and where this is going.

You sound like you've got an anxious attachment style. That needs work. Do some reading on attachment styles and be honest with yourself.

OP if this guy wants you to be his girlfriend he will 100% let you know - whether he thinks you're on board or not. Men who want to commit to you make you feel loved, wanted and secure not paranoid and emotional. Hopefully if it's still early days you'll discover it's the former very soon x

Thank you so much for the replies. Some hard to hear but has made me realise.

I think you should brace yourself for something you won’t want to hear.

in my experience, even shy guys make their needs known. If he wanted something more, he would be asking you.

sounds like he has his ideal - casual sex on tap. Men have lots and lots of time on their side. He could do this for years until he meets “the one”.

You need to ask him, so you know. If he says yes, no more anxiety. But if he gives you the runaround, face facts that he’s not that into you.

From my experience, these guys with casual sex set ups, have casual sex set-ups with multiple
women, so they are living the dream.

I’ve had female friends suddenly turn up at their fook buddy’s place, only to find a model open the door with a young baby. Then the illusion comes crashing down.

As I said, brace yourself. But at least you will know and not feel used.

Do you guys go out on dates , or is it just to his house all the time ?

That’s a difficult one best case scenario and what you’re probably hoping, is that he’s not easy to read or great with words but you say how you feel and it’s reciprocated. Or that he may not know now but the more time you spend with him he will like you more.

Like others have said guys let you know. The guy I’m with now let me know after the first date and wanted to take me out the next day as was worried I’d get snapped up by someone else. 😆

I’ve been in your situation where it became a relationship where the guy wasn’t as into me as I was to him and it was awful he always felt deep down he could do better and I felt worthless. He ended up cheating on me and leaving me for his idea of better.

When I was dating again as a single parent I quickly knew the difference between a guy being interested in me and the ones that just wanted fun. The ones that are attracted to you but just want to mess around don’t message you as much and they don’t care about your personal life.

You can ask him but I think deep down you know.