AIBU to think a cheating husband cannot still be a great dad

[Dontlickthebin]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about DH affairs. It's unbelievable how callous these men are.

What I often also see is "DH is a great Dad... DH loves our kids etc..."

Really? Is that really the case? To me when you cheat, you cheat on your partner but you also cheat your children - you are basically saying that whole stable family situation you are being raised in... yeah that's l actually a lie. It doesn't exist. Doesn't feel like something a great Dad would do.

There's probably been a similar question asked but I see some version of the "Great Dad" mitigation so often that I'm asking again

YANBU - You can't be a Great Dad and a cheater
YABU - Cheating is between partners. You can still be a "great DH" and a cheater

More interested in the conversation than stats for polling

So if the dad cheats but the children and wife never find out is this a good dad or bad dad?

the children never know their family life is “a lie”

Disagree. I think a person can be an absolutely hideous husband/wife and I don’t mean abusive in any way, but they’re not very thoughtful, disagreeable or whatever but an amazing parent. You can fall out of love with your spouse and still love your kids dearly basically. They’re separate roles. Just how you can be a shit spouse but great at work. People put on different hats in life.

YANBU I also often see the great dad comment when the dad is clearly very abusive to the mum. The bar is clearly very low for being a great dad.

I wouldn't call it cheating on the children, but betraying and lying to their mum is likely to cause the children pain at some point. Not the action of a good dad.

In case of cheating, the other partner can be abusive. Does it mean they are the better parent than the cheating one?

And what about cheating mothers? Cheating is not just a choice for men.

Agree. The honourable action of divorce when you fall out of love doesn’t seem to occur to many men. It’s almost like that’s not really the reason they want to leave.
of course harming their mum in this way ultimately harms the children.

No of course not. But if someone is being abused they shouldn't they leave rather than cheat?

I believe someone is a terrible father if they cheat on their partner. You’re not just a father when you’re with your kids. It’s not a job you clock off from. Every decision you make should be with their best interests in mind.

And no, no one upholds that perfectly – we all give the kids fish fingers for dinner when we’re tired, or have a screens day when things are overwhelming etc. But actively choosing an act selfish to the degree that you know it will destroy their mother’s wellbeing and the kids’ wellbeing for many years – possibly forever – no.

No of course not. But if someone is being abused they shouldn't they leave rather than cheat?
Yes, in a perfect world but does the fact that person cheats instead of just leaving automatically makes them a shit vs great parent?

Often when someone is cheating it means they are using resources in terms of their time, head space and money on pursuing the other relationship which means those things are not available to the children which alone makes them not a great dad/parent

YABU.

You mean like anyone with an obsessive hobby or job that takes them away from the family? People chose other things over family all the time. Not just for cheating.

It’s disrespectful and hurtful but people can still be good parents.

Does it make them a good person, maybe not.

family’s are torn apart from parents just upping and leaving for all different reasons. Likewise you can leave someone and be a good person, I guess it’s just how it’s done.

My dad was aggressive abusive and had. Affairs I was frightened of him my entire childhood
BUT I’d be the last person to defend him
he was an amazing dad to my sister worshiped her would do anything for her and her kids

so yes it is possible

Yes, that's the point of the thread.

I actually agree with you, and I see cheating as abuse, too. I think that if you are doing a thing that negatively affects the other parent, gaslighting and cheating and leaving them brokenhearted, then you do not care about your kids more than you care about just doing what you want to do. Therefore, no, I don’t think you’re being a good parent because you are prioritising your sexual desires over your child’s stability and sense of safety. Probably necessary to lie to them, too. I don’t see how anyone can divide up the consequences of the marriage being risked, and the impact on the children. Affairs and cheating mean lies and betrayal, and put the children in the middle of the fallout. It’s disgusting.

I don’t disagree with you on that one

and I think those parents who leave their families at weekends or other times for long periods to pursue hobbies are being selfish- that’s not to say that they shouldn’t have hobbies and interests at all of course

Wives cheat are they bad mothers?

I’m not sure I agree, I think they’re two separate things and most humans can be a mix of good and bad traits. Obviously it could have an impact on the children if it’s revealed - but there are more traits that have a direct impact e.g never present; or work shy leaving the financial burden on the mother, or aggressive and shouty , or constantly critical, or disengaged, or not pulling weight in the home etc etc

I don't see so many posts about that on MN but yes. Cheating bad whoever does it.

Yes

Yes 100%! Far more eloquent than I could manage.

I totally agree with you.

The very fact that when a man cheats then he is knowingly risking tearing the family apart if his behaviour is found out shows that his children's welfare is not as important to him as his own wants and desires. And of course the same applies if it is the woman who is the cheater.

As soon as I see the expression He's a good Dad, or He's a good husband / partner otherwise I cringe.

So if a woman cheats does that make her a bad mum?