AIBU to feel hurt about unequal support from my mum?

[Ineedcoffee28]

Good evening everyone,

The title was suggested by mumsnet so hope it is apt..
Im not trying to sound petty or anything here but i was wondering if me feeling hurt about this is valid...or am i just being really delicate??

Im a lone parent, have been for 16 years. Never had a mothers day card or gift. Never had a birthday card from my kids either. Its okay.

My brother in law, recently widowed (my sister). Someone I have never got on with, who never bothered with my family is now spending more time with my parents and i wont lie it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I found out my mum has got his kids (my nephews) a fathers day gift and card for him. She has never helped my kids do anything like that for me and im her daughter. She also paid for his new bathroom but has never done anything like that for me.

AIBU that this really hurts me?

Your situations are clearly different and he’s recently widowed so clearly it’s lovely that they are supporting him and their grandchildren whilst grieving for their daughter. Your only comment about your sister is that you didn’t ever get on with her, which isn’t even relevant. You are being unreasonable and selfish under the circumstances

Sorry it was the BIL i never got on with. I did get on with my sister.

Your parents are filling in the role that your sister would have done.... your situation is completely different and not comparable.

Yanbu. I'm widowed but I still get less help with my kids than my brothers do. I think there's a stereotype that men can't cope and women can. So we get pushed aside in favour of these 'helpless' men.

Sorry I misread that part, but it’s still not relevant to the help they give to him and their grandsons

Your kids are old enough to get you a card now.

He lost his wife! The kids lost their mother. You lost your sister and you are pissed off over your Mum helping them choose a card and a pressie for him? Cop yourself on.

I can see why it might be a bit hurtful.

But your mother has just lost her daughter. So I wouldn’t be overly critical of how she deals with that, and how she acts towards her grandchildren. She’s also potentially worried that contact will drift slightly, if she doesn’t really focus on bringing her son in law into the family.

I'm so sorry about your sister. It's an awful situation for everyone.

I wouldn't blame your parents for this unless there's always been underlying favouritism. They must miss your sister very much. They could be trying to feel close to her, or they could be scared that BIL will bugger off and find a new partner and they'll lose their relationship with their grandkids. Stepping up to help someone who has lost their partner (and kids who have lost their mum) is a decent thing to do.

There might be an element of women being expected to cope with all this family stuff while men are allowed to be a bit clueless, but it'll most likely be wrapped up in a whole lot of grief and I'd let it slide in this situation.

Also, if your eldest is 16 they should be capable of grabbing a card and a token gift!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but maybe you are comparing situations that aren’t comparable. Spending time with your sister’s family might be helping your parents through their grief. Maybe they have more time now than they did when you needed them. Maybe they have more financial stability than they did. Maybe they felt confident you would parent your kids in alignment with their values, but feel more anxious about your sister’s kids. I’m speculating, just offering a perspective.

Also, I’m genuinely not holding you accountable (because single parenting must be unbelievably hard) but if you can teach your kids to celebrate you, I think you should. They need to be taught to look after you on your birthday. It would have been nice for your parents to step in, but sounds like they haven’t.

It sounds like a tough situation all round. Hope you’re ok.

But why haven’t your kids ever got you a Mother’s Day card or birthday card or gift? That’s very rubbish of them. They are at least older teens now and old enough to sort it. It looks like you are trying to find a reason to blame your mum.

Did your mum always favour your sister's family over yours?

Your parents are obviously grieving the loss of your sister and trying to make things as normal as possible for her children. I presume that your parents are going out of their way to help your sister's husband so that they can remain close to their grandchildren. If they didn't do this, might he not bother taking his kids to see your parents?

It sounds as though your mum has never really bothered with you and your children which is sad for them and for you.

Im just feeling really hurt.
im not trying to be selfish.

You are not being unreasonable. You also wouldn’t be to be upset with your kids!

You're jealous that your parents are helping out their grandchildren who have just lost their mum, and their father who has recently been widowed? Really? That's pretty low.

Not jealous about my nephews getting help at all. This man was abusive whilst married to my sister and my parents used to hate him. So im confused and hurt

Also you need a o teach your children better. Clearly they’re old enough to sort you a card and a bar of chocolate themselves now

1. She's scared of losing the connection toher dead daughter's children so is working hard to be nice to him so she keeps the relationships going.
2. He's a man, you're not. So of course he needs more support and attention.

The situation sucks in all ways. I'm sorry your mum has been less-than.

ETA if your mum knew about the abuse, that is a reason there why she is keeping him and the kids close.

This is it op.
Why would they help your kids get your ex a gift, because that would be the equivalent.
They are acting in the form of your dsis not being here, while you are.
I understand you feeling hurt but I don’t think it’s a comparable situation

So they’re really trying to keep the kids close and safe in a round about way. The kids have an abusive father, lost their mother - good on your parents for stepping in as much as they can to be there for the kids.

They aren’t doing it for him. They are doing it for their dead daughter and their grieving grandchildren.

I dont have an ex. I have two kids with two men and both left me when i became pregnant. Iv never asked for help.

can I just politely say drop this and also don’t think about the brother in law in this situation. Think of your nephews who have lost their mother your sister. If I had lost
my sister and my niece and nephew lost their mum I’d be moving earth for those children to ensure they had everything and felt loved which is exactly what your parents are doing

Thanks for the replies

That’s quite a drip feed. But also supports why your parents are helping him and keeping him close, they need to keep access to their grand children