I really need to rant and get some outside perspective because I feel like I could sit here and cry. I’m recovering from knee surgery and currently staying at my partner’s house. We’ve been together for six years, and until recently things have been good. But whenever his children come over, I feel like I’m seeing a completely different side to him, and I’m starting to question a lot about our future.
Sorry, this is long, but there’s a lot going on.
Firstly, the double standards with the children.
I had about five hours of broken sleep last night because his children were up half the night banging around and slamming doors. If my children did that, it would be considered disrespectful because other people are sleeping. But when his children do it, nothing is said because he’s scared of upsetting them or giving them a reason not to come over.
His youngest has now said she’s supposed to be going to her friend’s for Halloween and, if he won’t take her or let her go, she won’t come to his on Friday. I’m guessing this means she only wants to come every other weekend anyway. His eldest is also staying away on Saturday night, although she hasn’t issued an ultimatum.
It feels like he’s so frightened of them choosing not to see him that there are no boundaries, and everyone else has to work around their demands.
Then there’s the vaping situation.
I’ve found out his youngest has been suspended from school for vaping. I have no involvement or communication with her school, which is fine, but what bothers me is his attitude towards vaping generally.
He actively buys vapes for his 15-year-old because he thinks it’s better to buy them himself than have her get them from somebody dodgy. I understand the argument about wanting to keep your child safe, but surely buying them for a 15-year-old isn’t the answer?
But the biggest thing that has upset me is the conversation about his ex-wife potentially losing her home.
She currently rents, and apparently her house might be going up for sale. He looked almost smug when talking about it, saying she won’t be able to get a guarantor and will probably have to ask him.
He says he would consider being her guarantor for the sake of the girls, so they have a home.
Now, I do understand not wanting your children to be homeless. I would never want that for any child, and I’m not suggesting he should simply stand by if his daughters genuinely need help.
But there is a history here.
He complains about his ex constantly, including that she couldn’t afford to clothe the children and provide other things. Yet he refused to pay maintenance until she went through the CSA, and he then reduced his declared pay to get his payments reduced, with some of his wages being paid in cash by his employer. So he’s not paid her maintenance in 4 years .
He’s now talking about potentially guaranteeing a rental property for her, saying he would want a key so he could go in and remove his belongings from 12 years ago if she stopped paying the rent.
Her current rent is around £750, and properties in our area are more like £1,300. If she can’t afford the rent and defaults, he could potentially end up liable for it. When I have a credit card in his name and he’s always said to me he can’t afford bor his credit to be ruined and if I don’t make one payment it’s gone. Well she will screw it up. He’s already worrying about money because he’s changing jobs and won’t receive his first wage until 6 November. I’ve had to cover the food shopping and the electric for the house while we’ve been here, and he still owes me for shoes I ordered for his daughter’s birthday at the end of September because he’s worrying about money.
I have told him I will not be bailing him out financially if he takes on an obligation he cannot afford. And his mother would go spare. She actually owns his house, he is meant to pay her rent but doesn’t and it’s all to be signed to him once mortgage is cleared and she dies.
But it’s not even just the money. It’s the attitude behind it.
When I said she could potentially end up in emergency accommodation before being rehoused, he said social housing would house her about 15 miles away, because that’s what he’s seeing when I looks at properties.
He looked smug about this.
He said “I have two perfectly good bedrooms upstairs” and I immediately felt as though he was thinking about the possibility of having the girls live with him instead.
When I challenged him, he said he likes his children and never wants our relationship to end and for him to be separated from them.
He genuinely believes his ex should have stayed with him because the children would have had a better life. They had a business, a large house and plenty of money back then.
However, when I knew him through work, before we got together, his ex told me she had been so unhappy that she had nearly taken her own life and had to leave because of his controlling behaviour around money and other things.
I obviously only know my side of that history and what I witnessed, and at times I do agree with her as last night for example he called me out in front of his children because I like to buy my kids piles of presents at Christmas and he doesn’t and can’t afford to, but it makes this whole situation particularly uncomfortable.
I also worry that if the girls were taken away from their mum, she could struggle to get them back, particularly if she then lost her housing situation. Her mum and dad died in the last few years and it’s not fair on her.
And this is where I’m struggling most.
I genuinely believe it would ruin our relationship if he took the girls to live with him full-time.
He had his eldest living with him for a few months when she was about 12. He was working long hours and would leave her home alone until 10 or 11 at night, expecting her to cook for herself.
He also struggled during that period and drank more.
Even now, he regularly complains about working all day, getting up at 5am, finishing around 5pm, coming home to cook dinner and then only having a couple of hours to himself before going to bed.
He says his entire life is being swallowed by responsibilities. He was the one who offered for us to stay here. After last time I stayed here recovering from
Surgery and had to leave part way through due to behaviours I gave him chance this time but he likes to play the martyr and the poor me and the ‘I have to go to work for my money but you get more money than I do for not working.’ He takes home roughly £3000 a month and mine is £4400.
When the girls are here, he complains about having to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner and tidy up after everyone. They hear him saying these things.
And that was only every other weekend when my kids were at their dads, as when we have all the kids I pay for the dinners and I try to do all the cooking.
He seems to think that if they lived with him, he could work less and claim benefits for them, so it would somehow be easier.
But I don’t think he understands the reality of full-time parenting. The food bill alone would be considerably more than the roughly £40 a week he currently spends. He struggled financially last time, and I ended up feeling incredibly sorry for their mum because of how things worked out.
He also has a habit of treating money received for the children as money they can simply have to spend. When his eldest lived with him, he gave her around £50 a week which was his Universal Credit to spend however she wanted. I felt that put her mum in a very difficult position when she can’t do these things.
I don’t think he has really thought through what taking on full-time care would mean financially, practically or emotionally.
Then there’s what’s happening while I’m recovering from surgery.
I’m here for around five weeks because I’ve had knee surgery and need help while I recover. I’m in pain, struggling with mobility and desperately need rest.
Before surgery, I offered to pay for all the food while we were here, including food for his children. I did a big shop so we could manage without constantly buying things, especially as he’s stressed about the gap between wages.
I’ve had to hide some snacks because his youngest takes and hoards everything in her bedroom, leaving nothing for her sister. They questioned why food was being hidden and said was because of them. He tried to sugar coat it and I was honest because he always says being honest is the best policy. But again he’s worried about upsetting. Same as he won’t tell them his new job he as to work every Sunday now as to not risk them not wanting to come the Saturday nights too
I’m not asking them to go without. I’m asking for basic consideration which does out the window.
He also constantly offers to buy them things from the shop, and they choose expensive Lindt chocolate and other treats, despite him stressing about how he’s going to pay his bills. I’ve suggested he stops offering when he’s worrying so much about money.
Today, he wanted to take them out and one suggested the cinema while my children were out. His eldest said she would only go if it was 3D. I said no, because it costs considerably more and they don’t have the glasses. He still hasn’t had his first wage from his new job, is picking up agency shifts to get by and is worrying about paying everything.
Why are we potentially risking his financial stability to avoid disappointing the children?
And last night, we were practically rushed off to bed because his eldest wanted to use his expensive computer setup overnight. He now lets her use it every night when we go to bed.
I’m lying here recovering from surgery, exhausted and in pain, feeling as though I’m the one who has to fit around everyone else.
I think the biggest issue is that I’m starting to resent the whole situation, and I don’t want to feel that way.
I have two children of my own, and I would never expect my partner to fund everything for them or tolerate them being disrespectful in his home. I want his girls to feel welcome, but I also want reasonable boundaries and consideration for everyone.
I’m worried he’s so desperate to keep his daughters happy and maintain his relationship with them that he’ll make massive decisions without properly considering the consequences for himself or our relationship.
I’m also worried that if their mum’s housing situation deteriorates, he’ll see it as an opportunity to have them live with him, rather than thinking carefully about what is genuinely best for them.
I don’t want to sound like a jealous partner who doesn’t want him helping his children. That genuinely isn’t it. If they needed help, of course I’d want them to be safe.
But I don’t want to spend my future watching him make financially reckless decisions, ignore boundaries, and then complain about how hard his life is while everyone around him is expected to pick up the pieces.
I’m recovering from surgery. I’m exhausted. I feel uncomfortable in a house where I’m supposed to be resting, and I’m starting to question whether we actually want the same sort of life.
So, Mumsnet, please be honest with me.
Am I being unreasonable here? Am I letting my resentment build because I’m exhausted and vulnerable after surgery, or are these genuine warning signs about our future?
Would you be concerned about a partner potentially becoming a full-time parent when he already struggles with the responsibilities he has, particularly if that decision could fundamentally change your relationship?
And how do I even begin to have this conversation with him without it turning into me being accused of not wanting him to have his children?
I honestly just want to cry at the moment. I feel as though I’m trying to be reasonable about everyone else’s needs, but nobody is really considering mine.st