I've NCed and this is longer then I anticipated.
I don't really know what to do tbh,
I have a friend of 25y since we were in y6, she had a difficult childhood with a very disabled parent and sibling and an extremely over protective other parent who has now passed (I mean extreme, had a curfew at 20, 10+ phone calls when out for 5h kind of thing) that parent also put a crippling fear of departments of authority into her - social services esp, the last 15y have been very difficult for her with her mental health, crippling anxiety, extreme health anxiety and diagnosed OCD.
I have spent hours and hours on the phone to her all times of the day to talk through various anxieties (as an example of how extreme they can be, she trod on a broken coat hanger in socks in a changing room, it left a tiny indent but not broken skin and she was hysterical about acquiring HIV, it took 4 days to calm down and 6 years later when having blood tests she was terrified again about it) but we just go round and round in circles, I have encouraged her to talk to someone but she quite therapy within 8 weeks each time because its "not helping", she has lost most friendships because it can be incredibly intense trying to help. I cannot imagine how hard it is to deal with for her.
She now is married with 2 v young daughters and it has only gotten significantly worse and now extends to the children. A simple cold can leave her having panic attacks over them suffocating in their sleep, these panic attacks involve her attacking herself, vomiting, screaming, shouting at her husband and sobbing hysterically (I know hysterical sounds like I'm not taking her seriously but that is truly the only way to describe it) for hours, I have taken phone calls where she cannot breath because she's in a panic attack because the toddler was a toddler and bumped her head, whilst she is holding one of them - so they are listening and seeing all this.
Her husband is, frankly, completely and utterly unsupportive and useless at handling mental health, I would go so far as to say he is emotionally abusive with what he says and does, that is not to take away from how difficult it must be to deal with it but screaming in her face that she's pathetic and he's going to take the children away is cruel, there is no talking to him about it, I've tried, the only response he has is that she's lucky he married her.
But their children are seeing everything, the nursery have reported that the younger one hits herself and they're not sure why but it is exactly how my friend does when she's spiralling. They are seeing the screaming and crying, the eldest one is becoming scared, she is becoming extremely overprotective (eg not letting them on any play equipment or out the pram for a full day out incase they fall and trip despite both being very capable).
I work in a job that involves safeguarding and I am extremely concerned about the children and her, after the birth of their second daughter I contacted her local perinatal mental health team due to how bad it got but they told me they could not do anything until she asks for help. She will not seek help, absolutely not, she is adamant that the second she asks for help, Social services will take her children, its not an if but a when as far as she's concerned.
Her husband has told her that if she doesnt get help he will take the children and leave until she does. I absolutely believe she will take her own life if this happens but he doesnt feel he has a choice.
I am almost certain that our friendship will end if I reach out to someone else to help her but I don't know what else to do at this point, she is getting worse and I cannot do enough for her to make meaningful change.