Hi there.
My DM has advanced Parkinson’s and mixed dementia (Alzheimer’s and vascular). She is still mobile when her Parkinson’s medications have just kicked in but is often stuck and frozen in a Parkinson’s freeze.She’s been in a home for just over a year. She could live for another 10 years or could die tomorrow type scenario.
I’ve never fully liked the care home she is in but we had to find something quickly nearby to me.
Last night I went to visit her (I go weekly) and was appalled at some of the things I saw. When I arrived she was shuffling around her room with her zimmer. She asked me to help her to the bed which I did. I removed her shoes and found her feet in this state. I was/am devastated. She’s always had excellent feet. She’s only 78 but has always had great foot and toe nail health. I asked her if she knew her nails needed cutting and bless her she just sort of nodded but didn’t seem too bothered. Her dementia has really ramped up in the last six months so she needs a lot more checking and prompting with things.
i went to find a care worker and asked them to check when was the last time my DM saw the chiropodist. They checked in the computer system and there was nothing logged since April. I showed them the photos of the feet and said I was upset. At this point they got a clipboard and checked a written list and said they asked my DM in June and July if she wanted to see the chiropodist and she said no. They said they can’t make her say yes.
i went back to my DM and asked her if she said no, and she said she just said no because she thought they meant do it there and then. She clearly didn’t really understand. I think the care staff don’t check her feet at all and didn’t know they were bad. The care staff are trotting out the ‘we can’t make a resident agree to nail cutting’
When I asked if a resident says no continually to nail cutting, do they just let the nails grow forever and they didn’t really reply. Just kept repeating that my DM said no.
My mum is increasingly in dirty clothes. I wanted to help change her into pyjamas and could not find anything suitable for her to wear. A care worker appeared and pulled out three pairs of pyjama pants from the wardrobe suggesting I put a pair of those on her. I refused because all three were stained yellow with wee at the crotch.
Her room has a basic ensuite with no window. It’s a bit basic but last night it was dirty. i asked for some nail clippers to attempt to improve her nails myself. They said I had to do it as they weren’t allowed to. I was crying and wretching whilst doing her nails. I could hardly get through the nails they are now so bad.
Then I wanted to wash my hands but there was no soap in her en suite and no toilet roll.
A few months ago she was found wandering in the steeets outside and had escaped without them knowing.
Last month they told me she made another resident fall over from encouraging the resident to walk faster (my DM is still fast when her medications make her mobile). They said they knew what happened because they saw it on the CCTV. I have had concerns for a while that they are understaffed. They told me they have 6 staff to 28 residents. I’m not sure if they include the care home manager in that ratio but evening and weekends particularly seem bad.
My dilemma is that my DM has very little money. She has about £160,000 left from the sale of her tiny house. Because there is no cap, she will pay almost all of her assets in fees. But when I have looked at other nicer places, even though she has enough money to self fund for about 2.5 years, they won’t let her move in if I don’t sign a financial contract to say I will pay the top up fees once her money runs out. I don’t have the money to pay top up fees indefinitely. I have two young children at home still and it will be a miracle if I can find money to find them through university and pay my own mortgage.
I’m working class and in a senior professional job - but I’m the typical squeezed middle now. My salary, although decent, does not go far.
My DMIL is also in a home and she also has only a bit of money. The state is going to ensure I have zero inheritance left, and I will definitely have to work full time until I’m very late sixties to afford a basic lifestyle myself. So top up fees are never going to be an option.
My DH and I have been single handily caring for our mothers for over a decade. We are exhausted and broken.
My question is - should I move my DM? Are my expectations of her foot care reasonable? Do other more expensive homes have better staff ratios?
I have a good neighbour whose husband went in one of the expensive posh homes and she said the care there was dreadful and she removed him after a week. So I’m also aware that even if I gamble, hope her money lasts her, and try to find her a place in a ‘posh’ home - it could still be lacking.
I am distraught.