Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

I just read about a new podcast with Adam Frost and Caitlin Moran about gardening - first guest Bob Mortimer, second guest Kerry Godliman.

Haven’t listened yet but thought I’d put it here anyway.

Let the games continue…….

I have a good friend who I’ve know for 38 years. She can be hard to get along with sometimes and she is very “I’m the best at everything” and so over the years she burnt bridges with family and she is no longer allowed to see her nieces and nephews. Recently I believe she’s stopped seeing most of her other friends and so has been contacting me quite a bit which I don’t mind as I’ve known her so long and she isn’t the same with me as others but she tries to take over when it comes to my kids. Telling them off if they’re messy in my house, asking them if they’ve tidied their rooms and got rid of dishes etc. not when she’s looking after them just when she pops around. She gives me “advice” on how my children’s diets are filled with sugar and she messages my 13 year old and asks her if she wants to go on walks etc. I do believe she is lonely as she does live alone but it makes me a bit annoyed that she tells them off or tells them to do things when I’m actually there. They are really close to her but she is really pushy and I do honestly believe that she thinks she is the one to help me bring them up and I know because of the person she is she will say that she has helped bring them up as I’m a single mum after their dad died. But she wasn’t there when they were younger (they are 10 and 13 now and he died when they were 6 months and 3 years old) when they were younger she was always to busy to see me even after he died. It’s only in the last few years she has appeared more often because she is constantly arguing with and losing friends. Am I being silly? I know she does mean well but sometimes it does feel like is trying to take over and use them as a substitute for her own nieces and nephews she’s not allowed to see.

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

I have a small pouch that I carry around with me everyday. It’s got a lot of medication in it (antihistamines, painkillers, stomach medicine), as well as 5 lip sticks and 4 lip liners. In total it comes to over £150 worth of stuff in a space NK small pounce (which is expensive in itself!).

I was at my mum’s on Thursday night when she complained about her having bad hay fever. I pulled out the pouch and handed it to her, and although I thought I’d put it back in my bag I must’ve left it on the side. I realised tonight it’s missing as I’ve gone through my bag ahead of work tomorrow and she’s admitted that she has thrown it away.

AIBU to say she should replace it? Both the makeup and medication she’s thrown away?

Since I had my daughter in 2023 my health has declined rapidly.
my weight as steadily gone up to 14 stone (I’m 5 ft 3), my hair is thinning, I’ve been diagnosed wit adenomyosis, pelvic congestion syndrome, chronic tonsiltiis, I’m awaiting a tonsillectomy and a hysterectomy. That’s just the back story. I am waiting to see endocrinology in August and the lymphedema nurses for my leg swelling.
when my daughter was about 1, I rapidly lost 2 stone and was very poorly, my gp thought I had cancer. I had so many tests and nothing was ever found. Then I just started piling the weight on. I’ve tried EVERYTHING. I am so so active and have a very healthy diet. But my weight won’t stop increasing. I absolutely eat in a calorie deficit. I know it is something medical related but does anyone have any insight on what this could be? Up to now for my various symptoms I have seen 2 gastro doctors, vascular as my legs are very swollen, rheumatology as I had gout symptoms but it was arthritis, haematology for constant infections, weight loss in the beginning and swollen lymph nodes and ent for my tonsils. I also saw cardiology as I was having chest pain and shortness of breath. Everything from these doctors have been okay.
I am at breaking point

I've run out of clothes I can reasonably wear now in mid 30 degrees and having to go to the office 3 days per week.

I've been wearing short sleeve and 3/4 sleeve blouses with ankle length trousers or culottes. I need to look reasonably smart. I'm fat and need to lose weight and dresses from last year look like maternity wear. In the meantime I need some ideas please.

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for about 8–9 months. We currently live in the same house with other people.
Last month, I had a miscarriage, and since then I've been struggling emotionally. I also have trust issues because of things that have happened during our relationship.
While I was pregnant, I saw a screenshot from one of his video calls. A girl was lifting her crop top and showing him her breasts. We had a huge argument. He told me she was his sister. He even showed me his call history and said he had first called his cousin, who lives with his mother and sister, and then handed the phone to his sister during the call. He said that in their culture this kind of thing is normal. After that incident, he changed his phone number.
We had also talked about moving out and getting a place together without our friends, but later he told me he wanted to live alone and wasn't interested in living with his girlfriend.
He almost never tells me he loves me or expresses affection with words. Sometimes he does thoughtful things for me, but I rarely receive verbal reassurance or affection.
Last Sunday, he went to another city to visit his male friend. After that, he disappeared until Tuesday morning. His internet was off the entire time, and I was terrified because I thought something bad had happened to him. On Tuesday morning, I realized he had gone home to change his clothes before work, and later I saw him crossing the street as I was walking home.
Another thing that really bothers me is that on Monday morning he texted me saying he was going to work. However, last night I found out from one of his friends that he never went to work that day—he had actually taken the day off.
This morning, I confronted him about it and told him I knew he hadn't gone to work. He admitted that he hadn't, but said he was going to tell me the truth when he got home. That explanation doesn't make sense to me because he had already told me he was at work, so it still feels like he lied.
What hurts even more is that when I had my miscarriage last month, he didn't even take a full day off to be with me. He only took a few hours off. But this time, he took an entire day off without telling me and lied about going to work.
I'm going to post the messages he sent me below.
Based on everything I've written, do you think these are signs that he's cheating, or could there be another explanation? I'm already questioning this relationship, but before I end it, I want outside opinions to know whether my suspicions are reasonable.

Im going 3-1 England and will be England France final.

Just idle curiosity, really.

We often hear right-wingers insisting "This is a Christian country", whether we're in UK, Oz or the US etc.

So I'm wondering how many of us actually own Bibles, and whether we ever read them. I did read assorted bits of it in my youth, but don't currently own a Bible.

YABU: Whether Mumsnetters own Bibles or not is none of your business.

YANBU: It's a vaguely interesting question.

2nd date, sat in restaurant and we each had a glass of wine. He commented that he wasn’t keen on the wine and said he’d get a soft drink next time. I finished my drink and he had half of his glass left so I said I was going to get another drink and did he want to get a soft drink now or was he going to finish his wine. He picked up the glass, tipped the wine onto the floor (!!!!!!) and said “finished” and laughed. Several people saw him do it. I was mortified and said “did you really just tip that onto the floor??” And he acted like he was a bit embarrassed but laughed and said he didn’t like it. Waitress came across, noticed the puddle on the floor and he laughed and said “sorry about that” whilst looking at me like he was expecting me to laugh.

after the date he messaged me saying he’d had a good time and asked if I had and I replied “I’m still processing the sight of someone purposely spilling half a glass of wine onto a restaurant floor….” And he replied “still on that? Seriously? 😂”

am I over reacting?? It’s really put me off

Hey everyone, this is my first ever Mumsnet post, but I'm a long-time lurker. I have a 5-year-old boy, and I work full-time from home. I'm self-employed, so I can control when I work, but as my husband is a farmer, and it's their busiest time of year, I'm getting really worried about the upcoming school holiday.

My little boy gets REALLY upset when I get my laptop out to work, and of course being 5, he can't stop himself saying "Mummy, mummy, mummy!" every five seconds. I end up feeling massively guilty for working, and I just wondered how other WFH mums are handling the holidays.

I don't have a lot of family around to help out. His school is running a holiday camp, and although he loves it when he's there, it's a battle and tears to get him there in the first place. So again, massive mum guilt. Plus, it doesn't help that it's AT school, so he sees it as going TO school.

Thanks for any advice you can offer!

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

I think I know what people are going to say, but I have no one else to talk to about this.
a couple of days ago, I found some sex toys, lube and a blindfold in my husbands bag. Yes, I was snooping. I have a history of not trusting him- he had an affair 14 years ago, and my spidey senses have always been on high alert. I was finding his viagra was going missing, and alarm bells tarted ringing. He had to go away for the night due to work, so before he packed his clothes, I checked his bag and have found the stuff. He has not liked me looking through his stuff before and gets really annoyed with me (and takes the moral high ground) if he thinks I’ve gone through his stuff- which I don’t do often. So, I don’t tell him that I saw all these things. I asked him straight out if he was having an affair. He said no. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, and he said no. He asked me where all the questions had come from and I just said that I ‘had a feeling’ as viagra was going missing. I got some crap about it being in another room. He seems to think that I’m feeling neglected and says that he wants to spend more time with me and that we should do more things without the kids etc. But this is not the case. He’s not home til late tonight, but I think I’m going to have to come clean and tell him that I looked in his bag, and give him a chance to explain. I’m so confused and upset. We never get a chance to talk properly because he works late or we have the kids around. I want to speak frankly tonight, but I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to. I think I’m going to go mad if I hold all this in though.

By way of background, I’m 47, partner is 53. Ben together 4.5yrs, live apart. every time we see each other (once a fortnight, we are intimate multiple times including 2 weeks ago)
Currently worried about investigations for change in bowel habit and abdominal pain and job being on the line through no fault of my own, HR involved.
I Haven’t been responding to his daily/sometimes several times a day, frankly juvenile sex messages about how horny he is these part few weeks.
this is our last text exchange:
Him: U definitely lost your libido babe
Me: I know 🤷🏻‍♀️. Hopefully this pain resolved soon.
Him: What will I do with my unsexual, unhorny, dry middle aged babe 🥲🥲
Me: Find another sex toy i guess
Me: Dick
Him: Oh u spoilt little princess
Him: Bitch

i’ve blocked him which I know is a bit juvenile, but I can’t stand any communication with him right now. AIBU for ending a 4.5yr relationship by blocking and ghosting?

my sons last day of school is this Friday.
it’s a half day- he finishes 1:30.

they don’t do any breakfast clubs or afterschool clubs as it’s the last day, so I’m a bit stuck in ways I can send him to school.

has anyone’s child missed last day of school?

I feel a bit sad as I’m thinking he may have a lot of fun that day…. But I’m completely stuck.

Like a girlfriend or partner

A good friend of mine recently got in touch asking if she could stay with me for a few weeks during August. She has been travelling and can’t move back in to her house until her current tenants have left. As it happens, I needed to find a Dogsitter for one of the weeks when I’m away working. This seemed like the perfect arrangement and I would have been happy to accommodate her as it suited us both. I cancelled my paid booking with my regular dog sitter and informed said friend.

She messaged me late last night saying she’d accidentally double booked and agreed to do a house/dogsit (trusted house sitters or something) during the week I needed her to dogsit. It’s in a location close to an elderly relative of hers so she can spend some quality time there too. She was hugely apologetic but resolute that she couldn’t cancel the other dogsit in favour of helping me.

This has been arranged for almost a month, and I’m now in the situation of having to find paid dogsitting over the bank holiday weekend. It’s not just about the money; my dog is really nervous and not the best fit for many dogsitting situations.

I feel like telling her that she can’t stay for the remaining weeks now that the situation no longer works for me. We agreed this prior to her taking the other booking, and it’s left me in the shit.

WIBU to refuse to let her stay now?

DD has had her first choice confirmed via the UCAS site as above. Why is this?

It’s Falmouth (Brighton Waterbear) which is a music/performing arts Uni.

She’s thrilled but nervous. What’s behind the scenes - are they just taking students without knowing their results?

Hello DD is very self conscious about this mole with hair it's a dark brown mole which is fine but can she do anything about the hair ? It's on her cheek and obvious .

Hi all!

Just wanted some advice. My daughter is applying for spanish + beginners German and wants to do a law conversion after. She's decided she wants to apply to Oxford, Edinburgh, ucl, durham and bristol or warwick. I wanted to know people's experiences with these unis as durham and Edinburgh are very far from where we live + warwick we're unsure if it's good for her degree. For anyone whose children went to Oxford, did they do well at gcse? She got 999888777 but she's worried because of the context of her skl (she did okay) then she'll be disadvantaged. if anyone has any sort of experience on any of this id appreciate it :)

If you (your DH) had completely out of the blue, inherited a life changing amount of money, would you tell your parents or siblings?

DH and I disagree.