I mean those of us in our late 30s/40s and beyond, in a long term relationship/ marriage and in the small child era. What is your secret? Clearly if you’re reading this age 22 and have been with your boyfriend for a year you don’t need a secret 😅

I don’t have a bad marriage (but it’s not wildly great either) but after 15 + years together and 2 invasive and whiny children under 5, the chemistry is zero. There is no passion. I want it back but it just feels like there’s so much “STUFF” between us, we have no privacy from the kids, it’s a buzz kill for me. I simultaneously want to switch off, completely let go and lose all the thoughts in my head but can’t and I’m so uptight, and so bored and frustrated all at once. 😮‍💨 is this inevitable or has anyone managed to keep the passion alive?

Alfie.

I’ve got the most amazing life, we’ve had our difficulties but overall I’m extremely lucky and I have an amazing husband and 2 beautiful kids 2 and 6.

Every month 4-5 days before my period I get so so angry, I feel horrific, tired, angry, irritable and very depressed

i really struggle with the kids, I don’t tolerate my husband at all. Yesterday I was trying to do some chores and the kids were arguing, my husband was in the garden and I flew into a rage with him. I can shout and cry and it’s like something overtakes my body and I can’t fix it. I am not this person at any other time. I never shout.

I don’t know what to do, it feels like it’s getting worse and my husband is getting really frustrated as it feels like he has to put up with a lot every month. I don’t know how to fix it, sometimes in these days I feel they’d be better off without me.

I feel like a huge failure, how can I stop doing this?

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

I'm a few miles from Glasgow. Nobody can tell me that wasn't done deliberately to elicit envy.... Well, it worked. I could really do with just the £398 right now, nevermind the £80 Grand.....😆

We have a holiday in Spain booked next week. Mother in Law who has had complex medical needs for years is now on end of life care. It’s very likely she’ll die before we fly and if not will be when we are there. We are divided as to whether we should go (DP’s father will need alot of support). We have annual travel insurance that covers death of close relative. I’m not sure how it works if they haven’t died but it’s imminent. DP says we should go, theres nothing we can do. I feel like we will go and then regret it. Just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation? If we don’t go, is it likely that the insurance will cover if MIL has died or on end of life care for an illness that existed prior to the booking/travel insurance (although it is something people live for years from). Feel guilty asking about the money side, but it is a significant amount for us to lose. The holiday is also for our DS who will be devasted about MIL and is also old enough to understand why we’d need to cancel. Then when I think cancelling would be the best option I wonder if going is the break we need before coming back to making arrangements.

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

I am an animal lover, I am especially a dog person meaning I like wolves too if we’re talking wildlife. My mum has taken this to mean I’m obsessed with wolves - I’m really not.

Every year at Christmas she buys me something wolf related … it started off as huge framed pictures (often featuring native Americans too 😂) and in the end I had so many massive pictures piled up the spare room that I made a point of telling her I am no longer buying wall pictures as I don’t like a lot of stuff on the walls and I’ve ran out of space. She got the hint and stopped buying me pictures … instead she started buying me huge blankets, fleece bed covers etc, again featuring wolves howling at the moon, native Americans, wolf eyes staring out of dark trees etc 🤦‍♀️

I ended up with a big pile of fleece blankets that were just sat there collecting dust. In the end I asked her if she wanted any blankets as I’m getting rid of loads as I have far too many and don’t use them. She got the hint.

Now … as my birthday this year was approaching she asked me what size clothing I was. I told her. I joked to DH that I’ll probably end up with a wolf fleece jacket for my birthday … I was wrong … I got 3 wolf fleece jackets for my birthday.

I don’t get it!!! I’m in my 30s, she sees me every week … surely she can see that I don’t wear stuff like this?? It was funny at first but now its getting frustrating. She gets upset and offended easily so I’ve tried to treat lightly but come on …

What would you do?? Or do I just carry on accepting this stuff and lying that I like it to keep the peace?

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

I genuinely did not understand before how much mental energy it can take. You spend years being told to “eat healthy”, “move more”, “it’s just calories in versus calories out”, and then suddenly your body seems to change the rules without informing you. You can eat what feels like practically nothing and still gain weight from one takeaway, one dessert, one slightly normal weekend. Meanwhile people around you are saying “just be in a calorie deficit” as if you have not already reduced everything enjoyable.

It is not even vanity for many women. It is the exhausting feeling that maintaining your weight now requires permanent restriction and hypervigilance. You start mentally calculating every handful of nuts, every spoon of oil, every piece of bread, because the margin for error feels tiny.

What makes it worse is how invisible it is. Menopause is discussed in terms of hot flushes and periods stopping, but less about the sheer frustration of feeling your metabolism and body composition shift while being expected to behave as though nothing has changed.

Yes I exercise and I do weight training as well.

I know weight gain is not the worst thing in the world, but the constant mental negotiation around food can become draining. Sometimes it feels like menopause means your body now demands lifelong restraint just to stay the same size.

I know it is not like this for ALL women.

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Since yesterday I have had a intense sharp pain in my left groin area, It’s sharp and comes and goes but I can feel the pain also in my back and have no idea what it could be? It came on suddenly. Has anyone ever had this? I don’t think it could be ovulation pain as I’ve never had it this intense before?

Posting here for fastest replies as off to the garden centre at 10am.
Joined on (semi detached) next door neighbour's rear single story extension is officially finished.
I loathe what it has done to our garden.
We only have a small narrow garden and we are now boxed in by their extension. It's taken our garden from feeling open and with a view of trees to shaded in by their bricks. And although its only single story, it's really bloody high because the slated roof goes all the way up to their bedroom window ledge! It's enormous. I hate it. They've put in bifold doors which when fully opened up sit right up against our garden fence and tower above it, if I stretched my arm over our fence I'd be able able to wave my hand in the shiny new extension, that's how close their bifold sits up against the fence. And they've filled their gigantic roof with deluxe windows. They have their door fully open and windows fully open as we speak and their household noise - Taylor Swift playing, 1 DC playing keyboard very badly along to it, 1 DC having a screaming meltdown as per usual, the mother shouting at them "CHILDREN DON'T DO THAT" all in surround sound stereo flooding into our quiet little family life now that they've built an extension with full width bifolds and an opening roof.
I hate them for building so selfishly and I need to meditate in order to manage my irrational anger towards them. We are a peaceful, quiet little family who treasured our little quiet garden, it was previously my sanctuary where I de-stressed after recovery from a long chemo journey and the challenges of ND DC who are wonderful in every way but who require non stop input and support. They too crave peace and quiet, they are upset by the shrieking and overly loud music and keyboard playing next door as we speak. It sounds like it's all coming from our own house, only we'd never in a million years make this level of noise. And I can't even complain because they are not in their garden they are INSIDE their house but they now have a wide open house with no wall at the back of their house!!😭
Anyway I've cried for long enough and now I want to grow a massively fast growing huge rambling rose to cover the side aspect of their 4 metre extension and their roof up to bedroom window height that we now look at when we're in our little garden.
Our fence is 5 foot high and it extends out 4 metres along our fence and as high as the bedroom windows.
I know I can't grow a rose directly on to their brickwork.
Help me! What is the fastest growing rose i can buy? Is there a rose that will grow a lot even in this summer? And what can I use to support it growing really high without it directly on their brickwork?
I'm so stuck and so desperate to quickly cover this eyesore.
(BTW roses love our soil - seem to thrive in gardens around here.)

A couple of local charity shops near me both constantly have signs up outside on an A-Board, saying that they are not taking donations. However, both of these have very little stock inside, and are both very overpriced. For example, a worn, very bobbly Primark jumper for £7, and a Boohoo polyester dress for £12.

One in particular is just depressing to go into; I went in the other day for the first time in two months and some of the overpriced clothes that were there then were still hanging there, still for sale. The rails were also pretty empty. The board was outside as usual requesting no donations. There were 5 members of staff in the shop.

I really don't get it; surely it would be far better, and raise far more money, if they had more stock out, and priced it at lower prices for a quicker turnover. I really can't see the shop I went in yesterday raising much money at all, as there's never anything in there really to buy.

I'm sure some posters will reply saying it's a 'charity shop bashing thread', and yes, it is! I want to support charities and want to buy pre owned items but shops like this aren't exactly going to raise any money!

Looking for advice please.

DS is in Y1 and we’d been told back in March that he was comfortably on track to pass the phonics screening and had been passing their mock screenings. I always do the phonics homework and I hadn’t noticed any issues so assumed everything was going ok and he was still on track.

On Friday (3 weeks before the screening) his teacher told me he’s now ‘borderline’ and may or may not pass. That completely blindsided me, as it was the first indication we’ve had there might be an issue. I didn’t have time to ask questions as it was during a busy drop off and I was quite shocked to hear it.

I know kids can have off weeks and can fluctuate, but I’m struggling with the timing of it being raised so close to the check. If there had been concerns earlier we would absolutely have done more at home. I’ve already started doing extra this weekend to try and get him back up to scratch. It seems like he’s trying to do much on sight now rather than blending so is just guessing and making silly mistakes because with a prompt he then immediately gets it right.

Has anyone else experienced similar? And if your child was borderline, what actually helped in those last few weeks?

Also trying to work out whether I’m overreacting or whether it’s reasonable to feel frustrated this wasn’t communicated sooner?!

I’m MOB later in the year but my plan to lose weight/get in shape is clearly not going to work out in time and I haven’t a clue what to wear that will be appropriate and feel ‘right’. I’d like to be both elegant and comfortable but that seems like an impossible combination.

I’m 5’2, a 16-18 with big boobs. I hate my arms and don’t have good legs. I don’t mind my boobs but realise they shouldn’t be taking centre stage on my child’s big day 😳

I don’t really suit the usual MOB type outfits - I did get a jumpsuit but it shows too much arm and I’m worried about going to the loo! I’ve bought nude sandals and clutch that I really like and they should go with most things.

Can anyone suggest something that ticks these boxes:

• Covers arms to at least elbow but doesn’t look wintery
• Long enough to hide legs but not so long I fall over it
• Goes with my shoes and bag
• Wedding colour scheme is green so I need to either avoid or complement
• Budget up to £150ish

Thank you!

Hi! Just looking for some advice if anyone has had similar

I basically pushed the exercise a bit too far yesterday and ran about 15km in zone 5 the majority of it. I got a PB but definitely exhausted myself

this morning I noticed when I peed it was quite dark reddy/brown, and I’ve just gone again and it’s darker still and is a deep brown/red colour.

would I be as well just to go to a&e?

pharmacist can’t help, no walk in centres nearby, i can’t get an appointment at the GP as there’s none left, they couldn’t give any advice over the phone either without a consultation which is fair enough. NHS24 doesnt let you call them for advice or out of hours appointments within GP opening times (or at least, they didn’t used to last time I called a few years ago) so I won’t be able to call them until 5.30 ish anyway and by then it’ll probably be hours to get a call back since it’s a Friday night and they might just advise a&e anyway

obviously I’d rather not sit for hours in a&e but would this be an ok reason to go? Don’t want to waste their time but just not sure where else to go? Never had this before and never had rhabdo in the past so it’s just all new to me so apologies if it’s a stupid question, just a bit unsure and worried in case it’s that

thanks in advance 😊

Basically just the question in my title.

I run, but slowly. Of course the fact I’m slow in some moral failing and I must aim to lose as much weight as possible and get faster. But if a skinny person is a slow runner, it’s something that’s praised and respected.

I bake, really bloody good cakes. And it’s obviously because I like eating cake, right 🙄 but if someone skinny bakes an impressive cake, it’s a work of art.

I sew, and it’s grandma-ish and frumpy. But if a skinny person sews their own clothes it’s cool, sustainable and “cottage core”

I like sports and it must be to get guys, but when a skinny girl likes the same sports it’s cool and she’s accepted.

i read, and it’s “lonely” and a bit pathetic.

im a bit sick of being labelled negatively for everything I bloody do. I feel like I can’t win.

Am I being unreasonable to only offer to help another mum out with school logistics if they can pay me something? And if not unreasonable what would you charge a friend?

situation: they will struggle with getting child to school due to work, looking for options including a nanny, but of course they may not be able to drive; school breakfast club may not even be early enough start time for their day, yes - going to same school as ours, I have a car seat space. It would be 1 mile and 10 minutes extra on my journey minimum. It would save them 30-40 mins round journey, and if they can’t get or don’t use breakfast club it would save them £8.50 a day. They could perhaps drop off at ours to save diversion for me but would still be 50% more kids to navigate for me.

do I charge and if so what? Or charge in “wine” so it’s not a business relationship 😆

FYI they haven’t asked and I haven’t offered but I know it’s going to be difficult but before I offer to help do I make sure I don’t start on a back foot of enabling 7 years of free childcare!

I am invited to a colleague wedding in June. Is this ghost dress too bridesmaid to wear as a guest? Or too ott? The bridesmaids are wearing teal..

Time for another thread. Spring and Summer releases are trickling out to tempt us AND the advent calendar waitlists are appearing...hope you are all feeling suitably Christmassy. 😂

Thanks everyone who continues to contribute to the chatter and welcome to any newbies who want to join in.

Looking for help with new job please!!

I was made redundant early this year. A US tech startup (although with series A funding and 200 staff across US, Germany and UK) has hired me to start in June. Contract is 45 hours minimum (fine), but importantly they said fully remote (hybrid 2 days in london advertised) and straight up offered above their top salary range. Im used to being basically on call until I go to sleep, but for half the pay... Im not used to not having to negotiate at offer, and they've already delivered top of the line hardware.

My experience is working with people globally (US, Africa, Asia, Europe), so I'm kind of wondering what the catch is? What will be a culture shock, what am I missing? It's a too good to be true thing for us as a family, I don't trust it. I have signed contracts and the role is brand new - high expectations from forbes 30 under 30 mit people.

I am not in the same league, i think they hired me for my niche stem phd and 10+ years adjacent experience. Have been on jsa for 3 months, shitting myself about the mortgage. I'm freaking out now the ridiculously expensive laptop is here 😅

If you had to provide snacks in a rented home for 4 days for 30 people and wanted them to be really inexpensive what would you choose?

Context: family rental for 4 days in October the cost covered by the invitees.

We have been allocated snacks for 4 days as our contribution and we are trying to disguise that we have a very very small budget. Financially we are really struggling. The exact brief was a 'snack basket for each room'

There are three main meals a day, but from seeing what people are planning for these some are really light. Yogurt and fruits for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch. We are in charge of the snacks so expect people maybe hungry.

Looking for really cheap and filling snacks. We have more time than money so we can shop from multiple stores.

What sort of budget should we set aside and what would you recommend?

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I am a type 1 diabetic and my DD has MS. We are planning a long term road trip across Europe in a couple years but also shorter ones sooner. Her medication is much more temperature sensitive than insulin - if it reaches room temperature it cannot be returned to the fridge and must be used within a few days (one injection a month). It is also very expensive and if it gets spoiled while abroad it’s over £1500 for each dose, that’s if we could get it as it’s not the kind of medicine that a pharmacy would stock. So my question is, does anyone have any recommendations for a reliable portable medical fridge? One that can perhaps run off the car or be recharged? It needs to be small, say the capacity of six pack of soda cans or slightly larger. Thanks.