This is an emotive and sensitive topic so I hope everyone can be respectful. It’s also not a topic I am as well versed in as I would wish to be, so please don’t assume I have lots of knowledge about this when putting forward your views.

I’ve been reading in the news about the calls at the Commonwealth summit for apologies and reparations for the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

What are your views on this and why?

Personally, I agree there should be a formal apology and recognition of the harm done. Britain was involved in the perpetuation of the slave trade, as well as being involved in its abolition. An acknowledgement and apology for past wrongs would be a way of showing respect and our moral beliefs as a society.

Reparations in the form of cash…here I am unsure, and for the following reasons.

1. Given the time that has passed, it’s likely to be impossible to accurately track down the family members of those individuals who were trafficked. So who would reparations go to? Countries instead of individuals? Is that fair?
2. Again, given the time that has passed, who should pay for the reparations and how? If funds were raised through general taxation, that feels unfair on the current British population who were not involved. If we try to target those prominent families who made millions and millions….would those assets ever get seized or would they all swiftly disappear into offshore accounts never to be seen again. Would it be possible to seize money from those who had directly profited?
3. Given the cost of living crisis in the uk (whilst not to be compared with poverty experienced in the Caribbean) and what feels like deteriorating race-relations, I worry how a programme of reparations would affect UK society as a whole and if racism would worsen or more extreme right wing governments would be voted in.
4. I can see a case for reparations as Germany has done to survivors and victims families of the Holocaust. Survivors and victim’s immediate families who were materially affected are still living. This makes sense to me. But how many generations on should reparations be relevant? The last living survivors of slavery died nearly 100 years ago. I do believe that their descendants are impacted by the legacy of slavery, but they themselves were not enslaved and nor were their immediate family (spouse/parent).
5. In terms of lost wages for work/compensation for what happened, if that had been given to the affected individuals at the moment slavery had been abolished, how much of that would have actually come to the descendants living today? The majority of people around the world and throughout history have lived hand-to-mouth, not building up big inheritances for the next generation. How do you value the reparations?

I don’t support reparations in any form other than money / cancelling debt as I do agree that it would be disrespectful for Britain (or any of the other countries who were involved in the slave trade) to decide the form of reparations given when money is what is being asked for.

In case it’s relevant: I’m white British/Irish from a historically very poor background. My family never even owned property until 50 years ago so I can’t imagine any of them ever owned slaves or profited from investments in businesses that used slave labour. We never had anything material to pass down the generations bar the odd photograph and wedding ring. All of this has of course impacted on my views.

Would love to know other people’s adjustments and traditions that are ND friendly. Or from anyone who likes to turn down the chaos & overwhelm of Christmas!

Ours:

• No snaps in crackers (we use a make your own kit, £2.99 last year! And just put in choc coins!)
• No elf (too chaotic & unpredictable & surveillance concept is terrifying) We are doing the little advent fairy this year. It’s calm and all about kindness & gentle magic
• One room remains Xmas decoration free
• Static lights only
• We always have a ‘secret’ present stashed away for emergency moments of overwhelm towards the end of the day. You can go off and have a quiet moment away from everyone and enjoy a little present. We’ve only had to reach for it once in 7 years (the rest have been saved for bdays!)

Then there’s obviously the adaptations we do on a daily basis anyway, would love to know Christmas specific tips!

title speaks for itself. at what point in his life do we tell him, if ever? i feel like he has the right to know he was a twin, but i also don’t want him to feel the grief the way his dad & i feel it, or feel like hes not enough for us. he’s almost a year old so we have tons of time to figure this out, but what would you do? we talked about waiting until he’s in his teens so he can understand it better but i dont want him to be upset that we’ve kept something from him later down the line. how do we navigate this? how would you navigate this?

That’s the plan. The Jimmy Choo Heloise

https://www.jimmychoo.com/en/women/shoes/heloise-120/latte-nappa-leather-platform-sandals-HELOISE120NAP080258.html

The goal is £795. I cannot in good conscience pay this amount from my income… but from recycling. Absolutely all for that.

So far I have £56 and 20 or so pending.

I have calculated an ambitious £20 a day gets me to the goal in just over a month. Thats very ambitious and I will not achieve that 😂

The deadline is summer for my wedding shoes.

Anyone want to make an epic vinted goal and join me?

Fairly recently, Ive realised I dont like these things:

Live albums/song recordings. No matter how much I love the band or song.
Watching dance…especially in a musical
Songs named after women…even I can’t explain that one!
Meals where every mouthful is the same…e.g. pizza

I wouldnt have said these things a year ago I dont think , so it proves TIPU am still getting to know myself in my late 50’s!

Anyone else had a similar epiphany?

Hi all. I'm just caretaking until Reastie returns, but here's our new thread. Please do use up the old one first though.

This is intended as a friendly, kind, safe, warm and fuzzy place for people to share discounts, bargains and Christmas gift ideas both online and IRL. Please note the tone and intention of the thread and join with spirit as generous as DC helping themselves to the Christmas chocolate celebrations

Here’s some useful information about how to save the thread or a specific post so you don’t need to have a message to check in for every thread so you have the thread saved:

To watch the thread - click on the little bell that has ‘watch’ under my first message. This adds the whole thread to your ‘watched threads’

You can also bookmark a specific post by clicking on the ‘bookmark’ under the specific post. This saves your exact place in a thread but doesn’t alert you to new replies.

If you have any referral links or codes, please share them on the referral thread here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5444936-bargain-referrals-thread-8

A reminder that we don't use affiliated links on here please

🎄 Emoji to copy if required for posting bargains as some agree this makes deals easier to spot. (or post in bold)

Is Harry silent or silenced?
what else can possibly happen?

My oldest son (27) has had the same girlfriend for 7 years. They live together, about 4 hours from us, which is very close to her family and likely where they will stay in the future. We are very close to my son, speak frequently, group chat almost every day, etc.

This is the first year that they are doing the alternating holidays. Thanksgiving (we are in US) at her family, Christmas at ours. She is smart, capable, well educated, high earning, and so many things that my son loves about her. She is very close to her mom and I have been regaled for years of stories from my son about how judgmental they are and that she and her mom spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people between themselves. She does not seem to want to develop a relationship with our family. She comes to visit a few times a year, we greet them happily, offer food, drink, regular visitor stuff. She is gracious, says no thank you and disappears to their bedroom mostly only to appear when they are going out. The few times she does sit with us after dinner or while sitting relaxing, she is texting the entire time. I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or perhaps one sentence answers. Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone. My son and I had a conversation about this several months ago which went really well, I thought. I told him that we are happy that he has found someone he loves, but as his mother I am worried that he may marry someone that doesn't like his family. He said "what has she done that makes you think she doesn't like you?" My response was "nothing, but she certainly hasn't done anything to make us think she does". He said that was another way to look at things and he hadn't thought of it that way. I think he must have said something to her because for the first time ever she texted me unprompted and sent a photo of my son.

I am dreading Christmas. I know this is my problem but I am convinced that she will spend her time texting her mother listing all the ways I fail as a cook, decorator, house cleaner, etc. I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?

1. A penny farthing sitting on a landing of a mansion.

2. Lots of tiny feathers on the stairs of someone's house who didn't own a bird and in the same house I think they had a secret lodger as every time I went to the loo I heard footsteps run from one room to the next upstairs. I never mentioned either!

My family have started calling DD Floater and I really don’t like it. It started at a family lunch a few weeks ago when she was playing with one of those little inflatable rings and my brother called her it as a joke. Now it’s stuck and everyone seems to think it’s hilarious.

My family have always had daft nicknames for each other tbf. I’ve got one my brother still calls me which I’ve never liked, but it’s just what he’s always called me. This feels different though because she’s only little and I don’t want it turning into something people say about her when she’s older.

My brother says it doesn’t mean anything and keeps going “where’s our little Floater then” whenever he sees her. My mum and sister have started saying it too now. I know they aren’t trying to be nasty but it just sounds like they’re taking the piss out of her appearance to me. She’s got quite chubby cheeks at the moment and I can imagine other kids picking up on it when she starts school.

At the weekend we were all at my mum’s for lunch and he said it about four times. I asked him to stop calling her that and he just laughed and said I was being ridiculous. My mum then said I was being precious and that DD won’t even remember it. I felt a bit stupid because everyone was looking at me like I’d made a massive deal out of nothing.

DP thinks I’m overthinking it as well. He says she’s too young to understand what it means and it’ll probably just stop being used eventually. I said that’s not really the point though, I don’t want it becoming her nickname in the first place. He thinks I’m making it into something it isn’t.

I’m not against nicknames generally, we call her Flo most of the time anyway and she has a few other little ones that are just cute things she’s done. I just don’t like this one and don’t think it’s particularly nice.

My sister messaged me afterwards saying I should just let it go because it’s affectionate and nobody means anything by it. I haven’t replied yet because I don’t really know what to say without sounding like I’m having a go at everyone.

AIBU to ask them to stop calling her it? Would you actually mind this or am I being a bit precious?

Advice please I’m 4 weeks today second child my abdo is still very much protruding I saw the midwife who discharged me and she said it’s separated by 4 fingers width and I’ll likely need physio? I never had this with my first and my stomach is much more saggier than before it’s so depressing to look at will it tone with help?😭

photo attached please excuse the dressing I’ve been fighting a wound infection from the c section for three weeks…

My daughter is 24 has learning disability and poor mental health. She has been very anxious and depressed for the last 11 months. This bout of mental health has cost her the relationship she had with her boyfriend of 2 years. She is missing him immensely.

Her peer group is made up of other ND people with learning disability and difficulties.

A young man who is 7 and a half years older than her is very keen and not getting the message she is not interested. Her POV he’s too old for her and even if he was younger she wouldn’t be interested.

It’s making her even more anxious. As she is not handling this well , do I get involved ?

Wonder if you can help me please Mumsnet wise ones, I am a size 12, rounded tummy/C-section pouch, good boobs. I want a dress for a December party that’s really striking and impressive, but sexy. But would like maybe elbow length sleeves, red, green or gold, maybe velvet or sequins. I don’t love my legs so full length or calf. Have ordered a sequinned Kayla Wildman one and although I am 40 maybe feels slightly more traditional than I would like, would like to be a bit more current which I realise may be tricky with all of the other requests above. Budget about £300 although would go slightly more for something utterly perfect..

Thank you so much for any suggestions! The search is evading me!

Honest thoughts on the name Gwendoline? She would be Gwen day to day.

I like the Welsh origin of the name. We are Welsh, but not Welsh speakers and we live in England now. I prefer the Welsh spelling Gwendolen but I think the pronunciation would confuse people.

I grew up with Gwendoline Mary Lacey too before anyone mentions that 😂But I think it's an obscure enough reference not to bother me.

I met a man a few months ago while out with my friend in our local. He caught my eye and we exchanged numbers and up until now, have been dating, having a good laugh, connecting, I've even met his two sons out for a meal together, both in their twenties now.

He has a fairly good job, good saver, nice house that he has cleared the mortgage on. Seems to be really interested and communication is good.... only a few months in though, so I'm very aware that I don't know him well enough.

We have started sleeping together but nothing has really happened. It feels like he's not all that interested in sex at all. I was the one to initiate the first kiss and it was odd, but I wrote it off as nerves at first. He doesn't seem to want to kiss. I thought maybe he's asexual. No erection, kind of a semi one, but that was only once. When we are out and about he holds my hand most of the time, seems proud to be with me. Lots of hugs but just no interest in sex.

We've talked about it and he has put it down to age. He is 55. He got Viagra and nothing happened. Hasn't tried the other ones, whatever they are.

I've noticed he was behaving oddly with his phone. Taking it to the toilet if it was on the coffee table. Putting it face down. All notifications set to not show who or what they are. So I had a look while he was asleep and he's viewing a lot of sadistic material. It's women being humiliated, some of his Google searches are punishment of women and some are punishment of prostitutes. One week that we were really trying to sort out the sex issue, he was googling punishment of prostitutes regularly.

I've brought it up with him and he says he now feels he isn't allowed to have any secrets. He claims it's all fantasy and he doesn't want to harm women and it's "not what I think". I remained calm and asked him to explain it and tell me what he wants from his sex life with me but he clams up.

I've ended it and he's upset but I feel really disgusted. He actually told me I need to accept that's how he is.

Hello! I am hoping for some help finding a Xmas gift for DD. She would really like a Polene Cyme bag but has not asked for one as she knows it's not in budget. There are very similar bags on places like Ali Express for £50ish, does anyone have any experience with this?
I would be very grateful if anyone can help :)
Thankyou

I'm finding that chocolate gives me really bad reflux but I want to have some treats in my stocking! Preferably quite Christmas related. I do like dates and those orange/lemon slices.
What else do you look forward to at Christmas?

DH and I are on our last evening of a lovely holiday. Bit we’ve had a huge argument this evening because he doesn’t seem to believe that sexism in the workplace still exists. He told me it doesn’t happen at my work (male boss, all others women), at his work (he’s the boss, all others are women), he doesn’t believe there’s a gender pay gap in this day and age. He said he doesn’t believe there’s sexism because it doesn’t affect him! When I tried to explain it doesn’t affect him because he’s a man, so doesn’t really notice it, he denied it.

Things got a bit heated, and when I tried to calm it down, say let’s put it behind us, and go out for dinner for our last night in this beautiful city we’re in, he refused, and told me I’m horrible because I always have to be right, I told him that’s because I am right, and have gone out on my own, because I’m not sitting in a hotel room for my last night here.

AIBU to be so annoyed that my DH doesn’t seem to think that sexism still exists?

School is situated on a very narrow pavement and there’s only really room for one abreast, or one adult and a child, I have two children. I have the younger one with me when I pick up the older one and things just seem to go either wild, with them both charging ahead, trying to shove past people, or one trying to shoot ahead and the other clinging to me wanting to be carried. If I refuse then they don’t move and the other one goes even further so I end up having to carry child plus book bag, coat, water bottle.

I am really getting fucked off with it (I know people will suggest reins but with those the youngest will refuse to move so it would just be like the ‘carry’ situation.)

My husband just buys what he wants - has quite a bit of disposable income
so it makes him really hard to buy for- would love some ideas.
his hobbies are mountain biking, gym and camping.
he isn’t into clothes but need some nice tops as he will rewear the same outfit until it dies, as he isn’t into labels etc

thought we could all share some
inspiration ?

It seems like people have forgotten that pumpkins are actually food. It is incredibly wasteful that so many are grown each year just to decorate houses. It used to be one or two pumpkins carved for fun, but now some people seem to have multiple pumpkins of all sizes and colours outside their house in a decorative pile. They look lovely but wouldn't it be better if the country's fields and farming resources were put to better use? I cant imagine any other foods being wasted in this way without an outcry!

Long story. About 3 weeks ago I had a really bad viral infection where I had a high fever for almost a week and was taking paracetamol and ibuprofen every 5-6hr. 2 weeks ago, my whole family had a stomach infection for a couple of days everyone had diarrhoea and I had really bad diarrhoea cramps. I thought I was gonna get diarrhoea too but every time I ran to the bathroom (all night) nothing at all came out. For days after that nothing came out when I strained. I’ve never had constipation issues before so it’s really weird.

First, the pharmacy gave me dulcolax. I took that twice only but it didn’t do much at all. The first time it did nothing. The second time all it did was give me cramps and a teeny bit of loose stool. I went back to the pharmacy, they gave me lactulose which was a literal lifesaver after both my c-sections. The lactulose after 2 days gave me a loose bowel movement but the blockage that I’ve been feeling, is still there. I feel like maybe the loose stool is coming out around the blockage?

I had a GP appt over the phone 5 days ago. GP said it sounds like an impaction, they gave me laxido sachets and told me to take 4 the first day within 6hr, 6 the 2nd day and 8 the 3rd day. These sachets did make me pass loose stool but there were no hard bits, nothing to make me think the blockage was getting less. After the diarrhoea or loose watery stools, when I try to strain the same thing again. The same blockage or whatever it is. Still there. Laxido did help me to pass loose stool but I don’t know if it had any effect on the blockage which now I’m not even sure if it’s an impaction.

I had another GP appt over the phone yesterday, they prescribed some suppositories. I used one yesterday and about 50 mins later I had the same watery loose bowel movement. Nothing solid at all. After the loose bm, the blockage or whatever it is is still there. I’m so fed up now. The GP did say that sometimes suppositories take a few days but I don’t even know if it’s an impaction honestly. I’m bloated but not overly bloated. I don’t have cramps. The GP didn’t seem that bothered honestly, they gave an in-person appt for Tuesday where they’ll do a rectal examination too.

But I’m so fed up. I really want to know what exactly this is. I’ve never had anything like this happen before. And it happened right after the viral infection which makes me think that it’s linked. That week I was ill, I was in bed most of the time too. GP said it could be linked to that because I was immobile for that week mostly and usually I walk like 12k or so steps everyday and am very mobile running after my toddler and 1yo.

I have an appt for Tuesday but it’s only Friday yet and I really need to know what’s going on. It’s been 2 weeks of this now. Would it be wrong to go to A&E with this? What am I meant to do? I’ve tried dulcolax, lactulose, laxido sachets, suppositories… any ideas guys? Anything would be appreciated.

Hi everyone
I moved into my house, which i bought with my own money with savings and the sale of my flat. My husband was struggling financially at the time so coudnt contribute anything towards the house we now live in. The house is in my name. However, the house needed renovating and my husband put in 2 new bathrooms and a kitchen , and has done most of the renovations. We went out for dinner the other night and he asked if I could add his name to the house. I told him I would think about it. Im grateful for the work he has done but I saved my own money and used the sale of my flat to afford a mortgage for the house. Also he recently added me to his insurance, as it meant I could use his car , as he used to have anxiety about driving. He had 3 years of struggling with jobs and turning down job offers because he didn't want to sit in traffic or 1drive to far, but I stood by him. He asked me the other day if I could give him money for my car insurance as it comes out of his account because its joint in his name. I asked him why he coudnt help me with 75 pounds a month and he said do you want to change to having your own insurance.🙄 To be honest I really don't want to add his name to the mortgage.

Hi. I'm looking for the perfect dress for a brand photo, in entirely the wrong season. I need a long sleeve dress that is dusty rose, darkish sage, or steely blue, or some other light but deep kind of colour. It must not look like a bridesmaids dress. Size 16. Can anyone please help?! Absolutely no patterns. Thank you!

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.