Inside the mind of a non-binary woman

[RogueFemale]

This article popped up on Apple news this morning. A first person account of a woman's experience of feeling she is 'trans' / 'nonbinary'.

It starts off with her saying: "When my date used my correct pronouns, I felt a sudden surge of happiness. ... It was then that I realised how little my identity had been affirmed in my previous relationships with cis men, and how this simple act, which should be the bare minimum, felt monumental."

It was a startling insight into how these people depend so much on someone else's validation and others saying the right words (in this woman's case, "they/them") to support their fragile sense of self. (It's also unclear how pronouns would come up during a one-to-one date).

Anyway, just sharing because it's an honest and revealing account of this woman's mental state.

She's with a trans-identifying-woman now, and seems happy. Well, sort of. "Now, every intimate movement encompasses our transness, whether it’s a ‘no-chest’ day, or a day I feel most comfortable being intimate with a binder on."

It seems like a very roundabout way of being two lesbians.

metro.co.uk/2026/05/12/sex-a-fellow-trans-person-put-off-cis-men-life-3-28322552/

Can you imagine the constant conversations about me, my identity and my pronouns and then actually writing an article about me, my identity and my pronouns for all to see.

It is so difficult to understand why that pair of same sex attracted women can't see that they are lesbians, who like many lesbians (and not a few heterosexual women) have some behaviours in the male end of the gender spectrum.

Christ. I know 'narcissism' is way overused and misused. But this stuff is such utter navel-gazing, over-privileged, narcissistic first world nonsense.

I did at some point think with so many male lesbians it was a way of avoiding being propositioned. If you call yourself something other than a lesbian, it seems like a good avoidance tactic without being accused of transphobia.

Good point.

And I will never get my head around a male person who remains attracted to the opposite sex but wants to behave in a feminine way describing themself as a lesbian.

"Coming out as nonbinary felt like coming home to myself. I finally had a word to describe how I felt about my gender. I came to the realisation that not everyone feels like a man or a woman, that some feel like a mixture, or in-between the two. For me, I’ve always felt somewhere in-between a man or a woman, sometimes more masculine, other times more feminine, but beyond just clothing."

Correct, most people don't feel like anything but themselves. What does being a woman feel like? How would you know what being a man feels like when you aren't one? Beyond clothing ?

So they are lesbians? It's all to naval gazey for me I struggled to understand what she was on about !

I always knew I wasn’t cisgender. As a child, I enjoyed both boys’ and girls’ toys, clothes and activities. I would wrestle with my dad before going to dance class with my mum. I wore Disney princess dresses with Timberland hiking boots underneath.

Well it turns out I reared 3 non binary children and neither I nor they realised it.

Yes I have also raised "non binary" --children, one even liked star wars AND barbie. The other had cars and a garage no dolls though . What a load of nonsense eh

I dont feel like a woman either, never have, I just feel like me, but I am a woman because fanny biology.

You didn't make the mistake of thinking your children had their own unique interests, preferences and personalities did you?

Heresy!

Put them in a box & assign a label!

I know, - exhausting. The icing was the whether it's a "no-chest" day or not. Whatever the fuck that means.

"Coming out as nonbinary felt like coming home to myself. I finally had a word to describe how I felt about my gender. I came to the realisation that not everyone feels like a man or a woman, that some feel like a mixture, or in-between the two. For me, I’ve always felt somewhere in-between a man or a woman, sometimes more masculine, other times more feminine, but beyond just clothing."

That all sounds pretty gender-critical to me
Whenever 'non-binary' is mentioned on this board, quite a few of us reckon that that describes us pretty well too!

I'd love the writer to bump into one of us so we could say 'why, that's exactly what I feel about gender stereotypes too! Isn't it lovely that we have so much in common!'😁

Non-binary pronouns should be me/more-me.

It's such toxic narcissism.

Ffs when will these people realise most people don’t walk around feeling like a woman (or man). We just are!

How do you get someone's pronouns right or wrong when you're talking to them? Wouldn't you use the second person singular, (i.e. "you") with someone you're on a date with?
I see that farther down in the article she says someone upset her by calling her "girl" in bed, so if she doesn't know the difference between a pronoun and a common noun, she might just mean that her date didn't call her "girl". I don't know. Any ideas?

I’m always touched by lesbian coming out stories, though the remaining closet chains seem a bit present in her mind still.

Sad in a way that this completely ordinary relationship seems so amazing and magical to her compared to the past - but I’m glad she’s happy.

Why was this article meant to be interesting to anyone but the person who wrote it?

Join me on a magical mystery tour all around the special wonders of me....

That makes me think of ‘leg day’ at the gym.

Do they have little boob exercises that they only do on certain days?

*they as in her and her girlfriend I should clarify.

God I'm glad I'm not Generation Me sorry Generation Z. You'd have no time to do anything else.

Jesz - don’t normally comment on this board as I hold no strong views on a lot of- but wow that is next level naval gazing.

However, I have met people like this, finding themselves endlessly and continuously fascinating, not necessarily on this specific topic but any including mind numbingly boring ones. Therefore, I have to say - thank god they found each other!

They're just being honest. Being told you are one thing and feeling another creates a disconnect. Taking control of that makes as someone happier.

Lots of people grow up trans/nb and tell almost no one. But coming out , living as themselves, is profoundly healing of that disconnect.

Many carry it for decades in silence.

Of course basic respect of their identity makes them happier. Everyone wants to be seen for who they are, and to trust those around them.

Deliberate deadnaming/refusing to acknowledge someone's identity is rude, disrespectful and abusive. It's a power move, intended to hurt.

Trans/nb people live with a great deal of hypervigilance, which is very debilitating. They have to be hyper-aware of threat because anti-trans violence is common and, in many people's eyes, completely socially acceptable.

Using someone's correct names and pronouns is a way of saying: it's okay, you can trust me, I am not a violent person, you can relax.

Trans/nb people live with a great deal of hypervigilance, which is very debilitating. They have to be hyper-aware of threat because anti-trans violence is common and, in many people's eyes, completely socially acceptable.
Using someone's correct names and pronouns is a way of saying: it's okay, you can trust me, I am not a violent person, you can relax.

Really?
That sounds like a dangerous assumption which could make trans/nb young women even more vulnerable than they already are, if all a violent person needs to do to get them to drop their defences is to use preferred pronouns.

I think non-binary people can rest easy seeing as most of the population doesn’t know what non-binary means. Violent men don’t usually do a pronoun check before inflicting violence.