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Original poster

Why was my son excluded after being invited to the wedding party?

122 replies

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:04

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him. However, as the wedding day quickly approached, we realized we had no info on wedding attire, rehearsals etc. When I asked what the plan was, we were told he was NOT part of the wedding party. This is completely contrary to the original invite.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate. We rented a very expensive tux that the bride chose and happily took part in the preliminary events. The day before and of the wedding turned out quite different.

First, my son was excluded from rehearsal, did not receive a gift (not that this was important) like the other groomsman, did not have his name in the program, was not allowed to be in the procession or any photos and did not receive a boutonnière even though there was one extra. My son behaved beautifully even though you could see the hurt in his eyes.

why did this happen? Why would the bride/groom do this to a child? BTW, there were other children in the wedding and they were treated like royalty!

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 15:08

What did the original invite say? Was it a proper “be our groomsman” invite with all the extras that come with it these days?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/04/2026 15:12

How would anyone on here know op, without knowing what the original invite said plus whether anything happened in between sending it and the wedding which may have made them change their mind?

Auroraloves · 19/04/2026 15:13

Have you asked the bride and groom why he was excluded?

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:15

The original invite was verbal and my son was like a brother to the couple. He had never misbehaved or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:19

Yes, the wedding planner said that’s how the bride wants it. The rest of the family was confused. Plus, what does that matter? Once you agree to have someone in your wedding you don’t go out of your way to humiliate someone.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/04/2026 15:21

Then it all sounds like a complete misunderstanding, and he hasn’t been excluded as such, but rather never included, and they scrabbled about when you asked to find a role for him. It sounds like the other groomsmen were all grown ups?

PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 15:21

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:15

The original invite was verbal and my son was like a brother to the couple. He had never misbehaved or anything.

He’s 11, how old is the cousin who is getting married? Do they live together, have daily contact?

Betterbyfar · 19/04/2026 15:25

How long ago was the wedding?

So everything was verbal? At no point did you receive a written invitation stipulating who was invited?

Betterbyfar · 19/04/2026 15:26

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:19

Yes, the wedding planner said that’s how the bride wants it. The rest of the family was confused. Plus, what does that matter? Once you agree to have someone in your wedding you don’t go out of your way to humiliate someone.

They didn’t set out to humiliate your son

It was a misunderstanding

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 19/04/2026 15:26

I’d not expect an 11 year old boy to be included in anything. It’s too young. Why did you want him included? Who rehearses weddings? Were they Royalty? What pre events? The stag do? Id just accept he isn’t old enough and you all got an invite! Who needs the extra labels? I’m sure he looked great and enjoyed the day!

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2026 15:28

Sounds like they originally wanted him there but then the plans spiralled and they cut back. I wouldn’t have had any “back and forth” I wouldn’t have tried to force them to invite him.

sittingonabeach · 19/04/2026 15:30

Why is 11yo boy too young but girls can be bridesmaids/flower girls at that age?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/04/2026 15:31

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2026 15:28

Sounds like they originally wanted him there but then the plans spiralled and they cut back. I wouldn’t have had any “back and forth” I wouldn’t have tried to force them to invite him.

This could have happened so easily. I remember a friend of mine from uni on a drunken night out declaring ‘we were all invited’ and then closer to the time a sheepish message detailing that once he sat down and realised the 8 of us had turned in to 32, it wasn’t feasible.

DripDripAprilshower · 19/04/2026 15:31

Yes, the wedding planner said that’s how the bride wants it.

Maybe the bride is a bitch?

Elizabeta · 19/04/2026 15:34

I’d assume that the original invite was a bit of a joke - not a mean one, but a sweet nod as of course an 11yo isn’t going to be a proper groomsman.

Then the couple felt pushed into including him. It was completely out of order to have a ‘long back and forth’ about it, once the couple had said no that should have been then end of it.

Then they did the minimum to keep the peace as, unfortunately and through no fault of his own, they’d started to resent your son a bit (or at least the headaches associated with him).

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:02

First, 11 is not too young. He had been in other weddings and there were three other younger children. Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role. They said Jr Groomsman. His participation didn’t cost them a penny - rather we were generous with gifts given our son’s role and the close family ties. And, he was quite useful handing out programs and birdseed etc. Third, if it was scaled back or there was concern about his behavior, just say so. You don’t go to these lengths. Fourth, once you agree, you don’t go out of your way to spite someone and sabotage your own wedding - it is childish. Granted, it’s their wedding but no one forced them. We all have had to put up with situations in our own weddings that we don’t like. Ironically, the cousins wedding was my nephew who my in-laws insisted I have in the wedding. He nearly destroyed my reception because he was hyperactive and only 5. But I didn’t humiliate him. I simply had others intervene to keep him calm.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 16:11

So he wasn’t picked? You called and asked for him to be included? didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2026 16:12

Why on earth did you call and ask? That is so rude. You were told he wasn’t invited and that should have been the end of it.

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:12

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 19/04/2026 15:26

I’d not expect an 11 year old boy to be included in anything. It’s too young. Why did you want him included? Who rehearses weddings? Were they Royalty? What pre events? The stag do? Id just accept he isn’t old enough and you all got an invite! Who needs the extra labels? I’m sure he looked great and enjoyed the day!

If you’re Catholic you have rehearsal and no we’re not royalty. He had been in other weddings and yes, children are sometimes asked to be in weddings. He looked great, but did not enjoy the day when he realized what was happening.

OP posts:
Betterbyfar · 19/04/2026 16:14

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:12

If you’re Catholic you have rehearsal and no we’re not royalty. He had been in other weddings and yes, children are sometimes asked to be in weddings. He looked great, but did not enjoy the day when he realized what was happening.

Show quote history

Your 11 year old son was very sad and didn’t enjoy the day because he wasn’t a groomsman?

oh dear. I’d have said that there was a misunderstanding but now he doesn’t have to do loads of boring boys and can go off and enjoy the wedding with his cousins and rellies

2chocolateoranges · 19/04/2026 16:16

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:02

First, 11 is not too young. He had been in other weddings and there were three other younger children. Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role. They said Jr Groomsman. His participation didn’t cost them a penny - rather we were generous with gifts given our son’s role and the close family ties. And, he was quite useful handing out programs and birdseed etc. Third, if it was scaled back or there was concern about his behavior, just say so. You don’t go to these lengths. Fourth, once you agree, you don’t go out of your way to spite someone and sabotage your own wedding - it is childish. Granted, it’s their wedding but no one forced them. We all have had to put up with situations in our own weddings that we don’t like. Ironically, the cousins wedding was my nephew who my in-laws insisted I have in the wedding. He nearly destroyed my reception because he was hyperactive and only 5. But I didn’t humiliate him. I simply had others intervene to keep him calm.

You asked for your child to be included, they didn’t ask you!

omg sounds like they felt pressured on the spot then changed their mind.

its you that’s embarrassed your child.

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:19

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2026 16:12

Why on earth did you call and ask? That is so rude. You were told he wasn’t invited and that should have been the end of it.

You didn’t read the entire post. He WAS initially invited to be a part of the wedding party. Then, months later, they said oh no he isn’t. Since he was expecting it, I just asked if there was some role for him. No pressure. THEY were the ones that offered, then I guess resented it. I’m not rude - just trying to solve a situation.

OP posts:
RudolphTheReindeer · 19/04/2026 16:19

Whether he was verbally offered a role or not when they haven't made that a formal invite it sounds like you've been exceptionally rude by ringing them, having lots of 'back and forth' as you phrased it and put them in a very awkward position. Your son was never part of the wedding party and that's why he hasn't been treated as such.

RudolphTheReindeer · 19/04/2026 16:20

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:19

You didn’t read the entire post. He WAS initially invited to be a part of the wedding party. Then, months later, they said oh no he isn’t. Since he was expecting it, I just asked if there was some role for him. No pressure. THEY were the ones that offered, then I guess resented it. I’m not rude - just trying to solve a situation.

Edited
Show quote history

No, you were rude by asking for a role, just asking IS pressure. They didn't offer they felt forced.

Betterbyfar · 19/04/2026 16:21

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:19

You didn’t read the entire post. He WAS initially invited to be a part of the wedding party. Then, months later, they said oh no he isn’t. Since he was expecting it, I just asked if there was some role for him. No pressure. THEY were the ones that offered, then I guess resented it. I’m not rude - just trying to solve a situation.

Edited
Show quote history

“Verbally”

So what…. Pissed groom to be said he wanted him to be his groomsman?

And you…. Well you ran away with the idea excitedly