Would this be unusual in a swimming pool changing room?

[hoppington]

I take my son to swimming lessons every week at a local school. The changing rooms are separate male and female changing rooms with open bench areas rather than private cubicles.

We’ve been attending for a few years and until recently I’ve only ever seen parents use the changing room that matches their own sex, with their young child accompanying them. For example:

Men use the men’s changing room.
Women use the women’s changing room.
Young children go with their parent into whichever changing room that parent is using.

Over the last few weeks however, a dad has been bringing his preschool-aged into the women’s changing room and I was surprised that the dad wasn’t using the men’s changing room with him.

I’m genuinely interested in what the general etiquette is here. Am I out of touch in thinking that if there are separate male and female changing rooms, parents would normally use the changing room that matches their own sex and take their child in with them?

The preschool lesson finishes just as older children are arriving for the next session, so there are often children of various ages getting changed and showering in the communal area.

It’s also made me think about my own 4 year old son. He’s perfectly capable of getting himself dressed but I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending him into the men’s changing room alone yet especially as plenty of older children are still accompanied by a parent. What age do boys generally stop using the women’s changing room with their mum? Or should I be taking him into the men’s changing room already? I also have an 8 year old daughter who no longer does swimming lessons, but I know if she was getting changed in the females and there was a male adult hanging around that she would feel uncomfortable about this. It’s just been on my mind since the beginning of the week and keen to hear others opinions!

A man should not be in the female changing room. I’d have a quiet word with a member of staff.

Tell the staff.

This happened to me, exactly this situation. I wrapped a towel around my daughter and went to the staff member outside and said that there was a man in the women’s changing room. The woman looked quite shocked and she went in and said ‘you can’t come in here, it’s the woman’s changing room’ and just the simple explanation made him look quite ridiculous. He did huff and puff though but by this time there were about five women looking at him.

I’d freak out in a nice way (Paddington Bear hard stare). I don’t want a man in the women’s changing room with his son. Use the men’s one.

At both my children’s swimming clubs (children attending range from 4-13, different clubs) it is stipulated that if a child needs help changing, you use the changing room of the adult’s sex. So I would change my son in the girls changing room as I am a woman, and my husband would change my daughter in the boys.

Since my daughter was aged about 7 she changes herself in the women’s and neither me nor my husband enter the changing room. My son is still a bit little so we go in with him into our respective changing rooms.

As the pools are closed to anyone but the swimming class, I would be comfortable sending my son in by himself as soon as I’m confident he can change himself in the time needed.

However, I would not be happy sending my son alone into the male changing room aged 7 in a normal public swimming pool, which is the age our local swimming pool stipulates boys aren’t allowed in the women’s. I would consider that a safe guarding issue - particularly as the changing rooms have lots of cubicles in and are a bit of a maze where it would be easy to get a young boy alone. I’ve been in the male changing rooms as they once swapped them round due to maintenance work in the women’s.

I’m therefore not sure about the second part of your question in terms of when I would be happy to send him alone into the men’s. I feel he’d need to know what to do in the event of an issue.

The other option some parents do is to bring them changed in a onesie and then quickly towel dry and onesie back on. So no real changing room time.

However, NO man should EVER be in the girls changing rooms and the dad you’re talking about should be changing his child (regardless of their sex) in the men’s changing rooms.

I would ask the club to send out an email stipulating as it’s probably an innocent mistake / he is equally unsure what to do.

Pervert alert. Tell the staff.

Did you speak to staff OP?

It's either his mistake in not realising the usual way of things which is definitely to go into the adult's sex changing room in every pool I've ever been to with segregated spaces. Or he's a creep trying to make girls uncomfortable. Probably more likely the former but you never know. Tell the staff and if it's the former, he'll be embarrassed and immediately dive into the men's.

Assuming it’s clear which changing room is which, it’s not okay and you should speak to a member of staff about it.
when I first took my DS to his swimming lesson, also in a school pool, there’s no signs on the changing rooms and the swimming teacher told me to use either. Turned out I’d gone in the one usually used by the dads. So I went and got changed in the toilet cubicle that day! Is it possible similar happened to him and he genuinely didn’t know? But if not, definitely not on!

He is a predator/pervert/narcissist. He has no business being there. Report to management. How fucken dare he.

His wife/partner always sits outside and waits and I find it bizarre that she would allow this or not make sure he uses the males. He stands out like a sore thumb. It already gets super busy in there, I just find it very creepy. I’m glad to hear I’m not being over the top about this, I don’t believe anybody has said anything yet despite him doing this for a few weeks now. It’s just basic common sense surely and it seems like there’s something wrong if you can’t grasp that. I really do not like the fact the hovers at the communal shower entrance watching his kids while there’s another 3/4/5 little kids of both sexes getting showered.

Not yet I haven’t. He was standing chatting with some of the other women from the class and appeared to be friendly with each other and they didn’t appear to have an issue with it, which got me thinking is it just me that finds this fucking weird.

Our swim school frequently emails to say you go in the gender of the adult.

Very clear indeed which is male and which is female!

It’s absolutely not ok for him to use the women’s but I am sympathetic (assuming he’s not actually a pervert doing it for dodgy reasons) because my DH hates taking our DD to swimming lessons as there are always adult men in there naked and just generally letting it all hang out. He doesn’t feel it’s appropriate. That doesn’t excuse using the women’s but I do think adult men should give their heads a wobble and think about being more subtle when there are kids around. Or maybe they should just reserve those particular changing rooms for the pool which would mean it was all kids anyway at that time.

actually you’re making me think I should talk to the pool about it!

There would never be any adults getting changed in these changing rooms, they are for kids swimming lessons only.

His wife is complicit. This is awful.

I would tell him casually "oh the mens changing rooms is actually next door, this is a space for women" and and point to the sign if it's visible. If he argues it, go straight to staff and ask them to remove him to the correct changing rooms.

Sorry, just to clarify from your op please?

“a dad has been bringing his pre-school aged {boy?} into the women’s changing room and I was surprised that the dad wasn’t using the men’s changing room with him”
Is that correct? Is dad is bringing only his son in? Your later post says he’s watching “his kids”
Just trying to clarify if it’s one son, or boy and girl, please.

Sorry no that was a typo! He only has one kid, a son. I meant to say he hovers at the shower entrance watching all the’ kids, not just ‘his’ kids.

What, what?! A man with his son in the women’s changing rooms? It would be inappropriate if he was with a girl but it’s totally bonkers if he’s also got a male child!

oh sorry - I’ve just read the adults are not changing.

This is very confusing OP. A man is bringing his son into the women’s changing rooms instead of using the men’s, and no one has said anything yet?? Why haven’t you said anything? This is totally inappropriate!

Yes, nobody appears to have said anything about it and he chats away with a few of the woman it so I’ve been wondering if I’m being OTT, I’m quite reserved and don’t like confrontation (aside from giving him a few dodgy looks) but having read the replies on this post and realised that I’m not actually being OTT, it’s really encouraged me to email about this and hopefully put a stop to it. It may well be that some of the parents are also uncomfortable about this The ones he doesn’t chat with, but just haven’t appeared to have said anything yet either, it all feels a bit bizarre.

Good grief. Get an email sent to the place now! This isn't right at all. He might be one of those charming type blokes who disarm women by being overly friendly when actually they don't know him at all and just think he's being nice, when actually he's at best unwittingly crossing boundaries that he shouldn't or at worst perving on girls in the shower.

You’d have to be a fool to be charmed by him 🤢