im ungrateful but need to thank them

[fabilsion]

I hate feeling so ungrateful as they are so generous.

PIL gave partners sibling a HUGE amount of money for wedding, home, business and future baby. This was three years ago with the promise of giving to us when we got engaged.

We got engaged but the house SIL bought needed renovations, the wedding needed more money, and they're giving us a tiny portion of what they gave SIL.

We just found out and partner is just grateful for anything but I feel so upset at the unfairnes. DP says I need to call them and write them a thank you message - please help me write it. I've left it two days but can't bring myself to write it.

Nope, I would tell partner to write it. His parents, his job to do.
I like you, would be smarting with anger too.

Imo ils have bought into the rights of their dd's life.
Now you can live yours with no strings.
Be grateful for that.

Why do you have to write it? Your DP writes it, from you both?

Why do u need to write it? His family he can get on with it!
is his sister the golden child by any chance?

What's hard about

"thank you for your kind gift."

Your dp writes it, it’s his parents not yours. I would be annoyed too.

well DP has thanked them, and I haven't yet. He did write one for me to send but it was too heartfelt

I just believe it was who got there first unfortunately. they are not planners and really poor at thinking ahead and making things equal. I know it's not personal.

That’s bad .. how can they treat their kids so differently 😳😟

Has DP written to thank them, and wants you to do the same ?

if he has already written, then I think it’s fair enough for you to write too and thank them since you will benefit too. My family always does this (writes as well as thank in person). DH’s family hardly even say thank you in person and it really doesn’t sit well with me.

As for what to say, have you considered using ai, charger or copilot or whatever ? You can have a proper ‘discussion’ really get out all your feelings about fairness etc. it will be endlessly patient with you as you say but … and you will eventually has a text that really takes account of your feelings and the albeit uneven generosity of your in-laws.

I really recommend you give it a try. What have you to lose by giving it a try?

On the other hand, if he thanked in person and wants you to do the wife work of writing to let him off the hook…..

I'd leave this for your DP to do as it's his parents.

I think it’s silly that people think she doesn’t need to say thank you because it’s not her parents. The money benefits both of them and is for both of them so of course they both need to say thanks!

OP it’s not your problem that they favour his sister, you are not saying thanks for fair parenting. You are saying thanks for the money, separate the two things and just get on with it, I wouldn’t make the thank you note especially heart felt but you’d say thank you for someone holding a door open for you so you can manage saying a basic thanks for this.

Not sure why the thank you needs to come from both of you, but still ….

Id send a quick text, “Thank you for the money”. Job done.

Hiya just wanted to say thank you for the gifted money, we appreciate it.

No? Why the complication? Yeah they gave someone else more, no point dwelling on it, there'll always be others getting more, you were given a gift. Say thank you. You dont have to lick their arses and kiss their feet over it.

Just write "thank you" and signature. Job done even if you don't feel grateful.

The money is for him surely? So he writes the thank you note. Of course he'll share with you but it's not your duty to write correspondence about how grateful you are.

Though frankly you are not owed a penny off them so you do sound pretty ungrateful and a bit money grabbing.

Why didn’t he put your name on the thank you he already sent? That’s daft for a couple to write a separate thank you card. You don’t send separate birthday or Christmas cards. Don’t see the point myself.

Of course she also needs to thank them. I always did with my inlaws if they gifted us anything as it wasn't just to my DH, it was to both of us.

I'd just try seperate the two issues, yes it's entirely unfair they gifted your sil more. However, you're thanking them for what they did gift you, not what they didn't. Really they didn't need to gift anything at all if they chose not to.

Just send a message saying Hi x, just wanted to thank you both for your generosity, it's appreciated.

I’d keep it brief and to the point. ‘Thanks for the money, we appreciate it’. I certainly wouldn’t write anything gushy because I’d be a bit pissed off too.

A thank you card? That way you can just pop in a short "thank you for your help and support" and a signature.

I thought the same as you. It was joint money to be used jointly so the thank you note should have been joint.

Why didn't DP let you sign his note OP?

Sorry but it’s entirely up to your pils how much money they choose to give to their children. It’s very poor that they didn’t make the amounts equal for each child but having said that, no one is entitled to be given anything. The recipient of the gift is in the power of the giver, as is the amount.

So you may not agree op, as you are disappointed on behalf of your dh and yourself, but I think you should take the high ground and be gracious. Your in-laws didn’t short change you intentionally, they stuffed up, and they could have chosen to give you nothing at all. They still gave you something which you need to acknowledge. The other choice is to refuse the gift if you are that ungrateful and can’t bring yourself to thank them genuinely.

He’s thanked them. Thank them in person if it’s appropriate otherwise DO NOT PICK UP THIS WIFEWORK!

I can’t stress this enough

His parents, his responsibility to be primary contact, he buys their gifts etc and you don’t pick up this load.

Excellent post

Saying thank you for something this isn’t ‘wife's work’ it’s just being polite.