Awkward wedding budget conversation

[bestale]

I find it weird to ask and weird not to ask.

My sibling got married 5 years ago and parents paid for elements of the wedding amounting to about £10k.

I got engaged two months ago but parents are going through messy divorce and both have mentioned money struggles over the last year.

My in-laws are asking how much my parents are contributing (they come from a culture where the brides parents pay the whole thing and know my parents contributed to my siblings) and they say they will cover the rest. I feel uncomfortable not giving them clarity so we can all plan as they are very much expecting my parents to pay a share of the bill.

But I feel weird neither parent has mention budget to me. If there is money ring fenced or not I really want to know either way.

I just don't know how to broach this conversation with my parents.

Both parents can act eratic, highly emotional and unreasonable when confronted with awkward uncomfortable conversations.

With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking

With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Their property is worth £2m as a bench mark but obviously is poor timing and high emotions, and while they're not poor they feel poor.

Theres also a third unmarried sibling.

Any advice?

I think you need to simply ask them do they feel they can offer you the same help as x (your sibling) had. As they are no longer a couple that would be 5k each. If you feel more comfortable text or email (depending on how you normally communicate).

E.g. Hi Mum /Dad
We are working out our budget for the wedding and wondering if you will be able to offer me similar help to x. Would that be about 5k each? I'm aware it's a tricky time and if you are not able to help it would be helpful to know and we'll plan on that basis.

If your parents are not able to help you could offer to get a 10k loan so you can still contribute - assuming you don't have savings. I don't think your partners culture is relevant really. They can't make your parents pay just because they would prefer it and what your partners parents choose to do is up to them.

If they haven’t mentioned, presume it’s nil

and as for With my Dad I have to be mentally prepared to be called greedy, ungrateful, etc just for asking
With my mum I have to be mentally prepared for her to cry and tell me how stressed she is about money and how she doesn't eat properly.

Do you need this kind of drama in your life. Your dad sounds profoundly unpleasant

Presumably they know you are getting married and haven't offered so I think that's your answer. Asking how at this point would be crass

Us the money worth it?

That's incredibly manipulative and loaded please don't do this

Looks like you will be paying for it yourself.

Are you on good terms with your married sibling - could they ask on your behalf?

You feel awkward because you know it’s not right to ask them in the midst of a divorce. House value is not relevant, do you think they should take a loan against the house? Sell off a room or section of land? Including house value shows your immaturity.
Plan a wedding you and your partner can afford with zero help.

Budget for the wedding you can afford without either set of parents contributing. If they later offer to chip in, then that is a kind bonus.

@Winter2020 If your parents are not able to help you could offer to get a 10k loan so you can still contribute.

A 10K loan. For a wedding. Seriously?

Hi mum/dad we are just making plans for the wedding and wanting to check budgets. Are you able to contribute to wedding? Fine either way just let me know. Thanks xx

I wouldn’t ask and would assume if they were prepared to offer any, they will.

I don’t like that suggested response in one of the first few posts, it’s rude to ask.

I can't see anything manipulative about asking if your parents are able to give you the support your sibling had, or anything rude about asking your own parents if they are contributing to your wedding.

Along with judging getting a loan as outrageous - looks like you will be asking your inlaws to pay or having a small wedding and meal in keeping with your budget.

Personally I'd just ask.

If they are going through a messy divorce, I would assume that neither of them knows what they will end up with? Will the 2m property be sold as part of the divorce? Will they both end up with 1m as a result or will one get more and the other get less for some reason? Will one need to buy the other out of anything? What will legal fees be? I would think neither of them know what they have or can give until all this is settled?

I didn’t get or expect anyone to contribute to my wedding.

Do not do this.

Their circumstances have changed, and you know it.

Plan the wedding on the basis that they cannot contribute.

I think you will find they are not contributing due to the divorce, they may also not want to attend if the other one is. I have divorced parents.

it is very unfair on you I agree. I was brought up that the brides family pay for the wedding. Years ago one of my sisters married after parents divorced. One parent paid the majority for them.

i am now engaged decades later. None of my family wants to attend and neither of my parents have given me any money towards it. The only person who was interested in any way was my step mum but she and my father have since divorced. I am very sad about the whole thing so we have postponed probably indefinitely. I expected to be treated the same as my sister as I was brought up that that’s what happens (plus I know she was also helped with her house purchase, renovations and so on).

also sad as all my friends were brought up the same, we are all in our 50s now. So over the years I’ve attended all their lovely weddings that their parents have paid, wonderful days of joy.

Don’t postpone! Have a small wedding with people who love you and will support you. Have it where and when you want and make it just about each other.

You’ll have a lovely day

i am now engaged decades later. None of my family wants to attend and neither of my parents have given me any money towards it.

Sounds like one hell of a back story there @OneNewEagle

Your first wedding @OneNewEagle ?

I think asking your parents when they are together is best. Just say you have been looking at venues and it's expensive and you were wondering if they had to fenced any money to contribute to your wedding as they did your siblings. I'd tell them that future in-laws are going to contribute so you wanted to establish a total budget to work with.

@bestale Your Pil should not be asking how much your parents will contribute- that's rude. Just say nothing- they are going through a divorce and have a lowkey wedding.

PIL just want to plan and budget. Without them there would be a tiny wedding. But I feel I owe it to them to ask or at least they feel I do. It's alot of money for one couple to shoulder they feel they need to know what to budget for.

Why do your PIL have to shoulder a lot of money? Pay for a wedding you can afford.

You both pay for your own wedding then why is it so complicated