Awful row with dd 15

[fuckeditupbadly]

Single parent. Two teens. Close in age, opposite sex. Both ND. Really struggle to find common ground and whilst ds is admittedly annoying dd is so massively intolerant that the majority of the issues in their dynamic come from her.
Last night, after battling all day to keep the peace and negotiate use of shared space, I 'favoured' ds after giving her the upper hand over several hours. It was his turn. She could be in the space but just not entirely dominate it. She wouldn't back down and I properly lost it. Really really yelled at them both. DS left the room and I followed. Told dd she could have the space. Talked at length to ds and we're fine but went back down to dd and she was curled up, crying, wouldn't speak to me and still wont. I've have ten years of this and im exhausted and out of ideas. Neither can / will go to Dad. There's no way to rearrange space and frankly it shouldn't be necessary if they could be a bit more flexible and less self centred. Really have no idea what to.do. any kind of joint conversation would absolutely escalate and be counter productive. Ugh.

So the end result was that DD got what she wanted.
I'm sure you were all upset, you probably felt like crying yourself, Ds was probably upset too. Obviously it would have been better if you hadn't lost your rag, but you're human, and DD needs to understand that.
You say both the DC are ND, are you ND too?
I think you should decide how you want the shared space used ( it is your house after all) and tell the DC how it is going to be used going forwards. Maybe even a timetable. If you can't have a discussion with them about it, then there's no room for them to negotiate. If DD wants to put her view forward she is going to have to do it in a reasonable way. You will have to be very strict about it, and DD will keep pushing the boundaries until she realises there's no point. It's not fair on DS or you if her use dominates.
You don't say what the use was that caused such a problem, but maybe whoever was doing the annoying thing could do it in another room , or at a different time? It does depend on the issue...if it is playing the piano then maybe that can't be moved to another room, but if it is gaming loudly that could be done elsewhere.

Thank you. Im not ND and actually in this particular situation I don't think it really comes into play...its more about being self centred. One aspect involves coordinating times with another household so that throws another difficulty in. I would just like both of them to be appreciative that what the other one (or me) occasionally wants is not unreasonable and we cant always have things how we want them. Im constantly split in two as its just me and them.

It can be tricky at the best of times, even more so when you throw ND in. Even trickier to find the line between them being a bit of a dick , and their needs, especially of they overlap.

I would try a (reasonable,achievable , realistic)list of non negotiable rules for shared spaces for both of them.You will know their behaviours and needs better than me. Discuss the rules with them. As an example, if DD is watching telly DS can’t be eating a snack chewing loudly with his mouth open in her ear/next to her. He can eat properly, eat at the table, in the kitchen or in his room. And the other way around. Pin point the triggers and give them alternatives.

Ah OP that’s hard. My 2 have a very similar dynamic (only one is ND, but the other is very intolerant) we recently did a course of family counselling with Relate which was helpful. I’m not going to say it fixed them, us, but it certainly gave us the ability to know how to reset better.

Thank you, that is interesting.

Sometimes OP an outburst from Mum, especially when they are not used to it, is exactly what they need. I think an outburst is usually the only time a parent will tell their unreasonable dominating kids a few home truths about their insufferable behaviour.

When teenagers continually push buttons, parents finally become intolerant of their selfish behaviour and shout. You’re only human and sometimes it’s the only way you get a bit of peace. Fingers crossed your DD learns from this and things improve in your family unit.

sympathies my 12 year old is autistic and completely intolerant of her older brother breathing/eating/ being in the same room as her. We manage it but I find it very sad and stressful sometimes. ]

Not sure what the answer is - but I think you have to be honest with your daughter that her sibling has needs as well. And just let her sit with the disccomfort of that sometimes.

Can you explain more about what the problem with the space is, maybe someone can have an amazing new idea to help?! Maybe not, but worth a go?
You’re right of course that the children (maybe your Dd in particular) need to learn some compromise but a combination of teens and autism is going to make that hard. I agree with some non negotiable rules (simple and fair) and maybe a timetable??

If they are teens and close in age I would be inclined to just say "I expect you to work this out between yourselves" and go out for a few hours. Failing that, could you facilitate a meeting to brainstorm solutions/ground rules when everyone's calmed down?

I’ve just read The Explosive Child - seems like something that could be helpful.

Thank you all. Things are 'back to normal' for now and I'm ooking at a fairly significant shift around of furniture over the summer to try and get past this particular issue..though I appreciate that isn't really solving the underlying problem. I think the extent of my outburst did actually shock them a bit, hopefully in a somewhat positive way