Partner has 2 kids from two different mums, all new to me!

[Pippaandme]

Hello I saw a couple of chats on here and I could really relate and I guess I would love to have some advice really or how you have worked on something that works with partners children, but I guess maybe it depends on the situation, so mine is probably completely different.

I love my partner to pieces, hes a lovely guy, the best anyone has ever treated me or been with me and my parents truly adore him as do my friends. We spend a great deal of time together and only really been together 2 years still feels newish and like a honeymoon period. I have no children in my early 50s and have a lovely dog who is I guess my baby lol.

When we disagree we work on things logically and try and find best solutions which work, sometimes they do, sometimes we have to agree to disagree with one another too.

My partner has a son with his 2nd ex wife, they were together 17 years, they broke up 6 years ago, his son is now 17.

My partner was the disciplined role model and the ex wife does nothing, never does anything with him or takes him anywhere or is even bothered. she say she had a son for my partner at the time, (nice comment to make) and she clearly wanted his money, she admitted she misses it. (lovely lady) we dont have any contact with her only email unless its urgent as she was getting verbally nasty on whatsApp so had to block her, this method works as most of the communication to meet his son is via him direct He sees his son about once a week sometimes more.

He also has another daughter shes 24 and lives about 4 hours away near her mum (partners 1st wife), whom he has no contact with, yet the daughter now wants to form a better relationship with her dad after not having such a great one since a few years back. However she doesnt want me to be included or really wants to get to know me either. My partner really adores her, she was treated like a princess, brings this up a lot in her conversations when he is around and still wants this treatment. He wants us to all try and get on and build on something nice even if its just shopping etc. She is not interested.

So the son never talks, he has failed his exams at school, due to bullying, so was home schooled poor soul and suffers from extreme mood swings. He needs his dad more for helping him with private tutoring, passing his driving exams as the mum never takes him out in the car or cares really and basically its my partner who drives the relationship and worries about him hes a good guy!

My question here is, Im kind of stuck, this might take time I think, its only been 2 years and the son never talks or wants to form any bond but he is only 17 so this might change over a few years when he is older/mature/confident more. He is now at college but still has to pass maths, he has taken in total 4 maths exams in order for him to pass his course at College, we are hoping he passes this time, he struggles with exams as a whole and studying...my partner helps him work on this but the son isnt interested in really learning. He plays computer games all night up to 1am and sometimes cant get to college as he finds it boring and other times he goes in. My partner pays a huge amount to the ex re child maintenance and this stops next August when hes 18.

The daughter is more the issue with me personally, she keeps on saying to my partner she misses what they use to have, she wants this again and wants the same life they had when she was younger and he was seeing her regularly. He says to her lets try and make this happen, we can start again.

Yes I know its complicated lol but our relationship and set up/lifestyle is nice, we live together, have a dog he adores, I dont have any children and I dont mind meeting someone who has more so older as i guess it is easier but still comes with it complications as we all know and I am experiencing too.

How did you work on your relationships with your partner's children? does it get better in time, do you put most of the effort in, I do try but neither want to know as I guess they have their own lives and just want their dad's help all the time, they are both in different ways dependent on him.

Thank you as I dont know who to talk to about this
xx

I don’t. It’s not something j have to work at. We have been together 6 years I met my step kids about 2 years in but their primary relationship is with their dad not me, Same as my 3’s is with me

the kids are all almost adults - mine are, his youngest is 18 and doing A levels. We don’t parent each others kids.

no idea why thats happened 😂😂😂

Why do you need to have a relationship with his children? Neither of them live with you. He can spend time 1-2-1 with them when he sees them.

The 17 year old isn't interested and the 24 years old prefers to be with just her father and not you. That sounds easy to accommodate.

If he was with his 2nd wife for 17 years, six years ago, that means he was with her when his daughter from his first marriage was only one year old.

If he was an absentee father her entire life, I guess that explains why she's unwilling to share her time with him with anyone else.

Kindly, you're too invested in his children. I think you need to step back. I wouldn't advise trying to take ona step parent type role at their ages, it rarely works .

My partner was the disciplined role model and the ex wife does nothing, never does anything with him or takes him anywhere or is even bothered
So the son never talks, he has failed his exams at school, due to bullying, so was home schooled poor soul and suffers from extreme mood swings.

So is your boyfriend the primary parent???
And does his son live with him full time???

if so, his "role model"ling doesn't seem to have been thats marvellous / effective.

what you are saying, this is true indeed, I think the main problem is my partner wants me involved and wants me to part of this, he would love the idea we are all one happy family.. but its just not happening nor realistic and I think its now coming to the fact its separate and just to accept it like you say.

Yes re the daughter she was around 1 or 3 I cant quite remember but really young, he saw her every other weekend and would drive 4 hours to see her and take her to his 4 hours away and do this every other weekend, he loved her to bits and never wanted to miss this opportunity not to create a bond then as she went to Uni at 16, she drifted away and grew apart. However, since in her 20s she now wants the opposite, she is also seeing a really horrible guy, he is an alcoholic and nobody likes him apart from her ;)so I feel she is reaching out to him for help at times around him.

Its just hard being part of something you cant be part of if that makes sense as I would love a bond as I have lovely bonds with my friend's children, who are younger, older etc and I can go out shopping with them but not his, which I feel is a shame I guess!

no he isnt, his son lives with his mum, he was really active, going to school all the time, playing football,kick boxing and my partner was taking him all the time, every week, but as soon as my partner left her in 2020, he literally went the opposite way and just shut down, didnt go to school, his mum didnt take him to football or kick boxing.. and she got worse/drinking and just didnt care, he went down hill with her and was bullied.

My partner tries to help as best as he can, he is now at college with a private tutor, hes a good dad, his other daughter is very successful, her mum was the same so we know its related to his mum and the effect and he is a different personality.. its not my partner's fault.

sounds like a good balanced set up, wondering if its easier when you have kids too perhaps...so a deeper understanding/balance 😄but good for you though, you sound like you have it all sussed!! 😘

There’s obvious resentment towards the second ex partner from what you’ve said.

Do you think that’s because his dad left rather than blaming his mum?

Surely in this situation, with the ages of dc, you just stay out of it.

I don’t think your second hand resentment towards his son’s mum will help your relationship for one thing. If he was such a perfect dad then his relationship with his kids would be better, his son doesn’t even live with him so it’s a big cheeky of him to make her the bad guy. These guys always seem to have evil exs but be perfect themselves.

They are both adults/nearly adults so you don’t need a relationship with them at the minute. The daughter has made it clear she wants to
build her relationship with her dad right now not you, understandably, and his son is struggling and needs his dad to carry on helping. Your role is to
enjoy your partner and happy relationship and be friendly with his kids if you see them, but otherwise leave them to it. In time you should slot in more, but it’s clearly not the right time for that right now. Supportive but not pushing for anything is best.

Absolutely no idea why you need to.be involved at this stage?

He has virtually no relationship with his daughter, which is understandable, and she really doesn't need you involved in their reconciliation.

His son seems to have taken the divorce very badly and again really doesn't need his Dads girlfriend involved when he clearly isn't in the best place.

Sure in the future maybe it'll be easier... but right now he has 2 difficult relationships.he needs to repair.

I would never ever think a bloke who has been an absent father was a ‘lovely guy’.

the absolute opposite.

The wife hasn’t ’done nothing’ op, it sounds like she’s done everything.

I think you must have met/had very very few decent men if you think this man is a good one.

What would I do? I would have blocked him and removed him from my life the second I found out he only saw his child once a week and his other child not at all.

Thank you everyone, I think its probably best to leave them to it, like you say which is what I was thinking too. I know my partner wants me to come along to see his kids but it just isnt working which is a shame but Im quite happy enjoying our time together and he does with them separately too. The ex wife, dont want to blame her, its just hard for the boy as he is lost in his life since his dad left and keeps saying to my partner, mum is just upsetting me she never wants to do anything or help with my driving or, my studies and just wants to drink, this we know is sad to hear so I dont think its anyone's fault just a break up he hasnt dealt with well and an ex I wish that would support him more...I dont want to blame anyone just letting you know the set up and hard when you dont want kids but want to try and help them but its not my job to i get that! 😊

But you are blaming his mum... why nor blame his absent Father?

Your partner created 2 kids, with 2 different women and all but abandoned both of them. He isn't lovely... he's a loser. And I note your referenced CMS.... thats the least he should be doing.

Your husband certainly sounds like one of the good guys- having 2 children with 2 different woman and then leaving both of them! Naturally 2nd ex is to blame for his sons shit life, given he started going downhill at the age of 15 when his dad left- it must be her fault! Why hasn’t he brought his son to live with you two?

Well why didn’t your partner take over full custody then if his mum was so shit?

im sorry op, but you are incredibly naive and devoid of critical thinking. It seems your partner can say anything to you and you believe it without actually thinking.

he left, his son crumbled and he left it all to ex wife to pick up the pieces, then is blaming her for not doing it right when he did fuck all!!

regards to his daughter - driving to see his child 24 times per year doesn’t make him father of the year, he was doing the absolute bare minimum.

Also, how thouroughly devoid of emotional intelligence he must be to not realise that his children want to see him, not you, given they barely know him. Of course he shouldn’t be inviting you along! This is mad.

Would ds not prefer to live with his dad , just the two of them? It sounds like dp prioritises the women he's with more than his dc.

keeps saying to my partner, mum is just upsetting me she never wants to do anything or help with my driving or, my studies and just wants to drink, this we know is sad to hear

any decent parent would be responding to their sad child to see how they could help - ‘I’m so sorry son, I haven’t been there anywhere near enough for you in your life, would it help if you came to live with us? I can talk to your mum to see what would work for her.’

but somehow I get the impression that rather than actually get his own hands dirty, your ‘lovely’ dp would probably just egg his son along joining in with what a bad person his mother is.

@PippaandmeI’ve a bit of time on my hands today so I’ve looked at some of your other posts. Post after post of drama with this guy. He really really isn’t very nice to you. You’re only 2 years in, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period of all loveliness. Stop pretending he’s lovely, you know full well he isn’t. Get your head out of the sand and end it.

How can I be all new to you when you and him are engaged?

You don't have to be involved OP, but your partner doesn't sound like he has been a very committed parent in the past, and has some bridges to build now with each of his children before there is any possibility of a happy family setup.

There’s some things that don’t make sense here.

If a couple split up and one of them is an alcoholic, then the “good parent” takes the child away from the alcoholic and raises them whilst the addict gets support for their addiction.

Every court in the land would back that decision, and yet your DP left his child with an alcoholic, someone who “did nothing” for their child and then seems surprised that the child failed his exams. So he was either a shit dad who left his child with an unstable addict, or the mother was not ann alcoholic and your DP is just looking for excuses for his absence.

Also, your partner did not adore his DD; he barely saw her and lived four hours away from her. That’s not the actions of a man who adores his child.

You say the boy “needs his dad” for tutoring and driving lessons, but also say that your DP only sees his son once a week, that’s really not enough. If you genuinely think the mother “doesn’t care” why is he leaving his son to live with her and seeing his son so little?

There are so many red flags here, it’s like a Russian parade.

If BOTH of your DPs children are failing to thrive, that’s 50% his responsibility, you can’t just say “he wasn’t around when they were growing up so it wasn’t his problem” the likely cause of their problems is having an absent father.

He needs to step up as a parent and there’s no need for you to be involved. Your DP wants you to play happy families as it makes his life easier and (as history has shown) he likes to push the raising of his children onto women. He’s now expecting you to magically repair the parent/child relationship when it’s nothing to do with you.

Over 20 years of history you wernt around for, and it’s easy for us to see the holes in this perfect dad’s story. Absent for his daughter and abandoned his son with an alcoholic.

try setting the parenting bar as high fir the dad as you do for the mums. He sounds a real waste of space.

He has failed both of his kids. Men like this aren't for dating.
As PPs have said, he abandoned both of his kids and slags off his ex wife but is perfectly happy to leave his kid to be raised by her. It doesn't make sense.

Now they're both adults (near enough), he needs to focus on trying to heal the damage he caused them. It's understandable they're not interested in being around their absent father's current girlfriend. There's no reason for them to have a relationship with you, it's fine.

Choose a life of peace, joy, and ease.