Going on holiday without SS?

[RealMauveGoose]

'm seriously considering going away with just my biokids at the end of the month. Technically it's not a holiday, and more visiting my mother, but she lives near the coast and we'd stay at a caravan site.

My SS has been absolutely awful to my biokids lately, and thats in a large house. I dread him coming over. We've even had social involvement because of his lies (no further action). The caravan living area isn't much bigger than the living room at home. And they would all be in the same box room at bedtimes. Given how awful he's been to them, I can only imagine how much worse it would be in a cramped space and I don't want to do it.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place though. DH doesn't want to miss our baby's first holiday, but says that going without SS isnt fair, even though SS has gone away without my BKs. But I feel like thats my only choice. Either he comes with us without SS, or he misses OBs first holiday.

It feels like our lives have been put on hold because of SS. We only do actual events when hes with us. The zoo, the cinema, soft play centers, boat rides, etc. But SS gets to do all of this when hes not with us, and then tells BKs that we must not like them because we havent done it with them.

I miss my Mum. I want to go see her. I've seen her twice in the last year and that was only for a few hours each time. Once shortly after baby was born and she came to us, and the other time was a day trip to where she lives. But because of the travel times it's not like we spent the whole day together. I used to go 3-4 times a year for at least a week at a time, and now we get rare day trips and phone calls.

If it wasn't for SS lies and behaviour towards BKs, I wouldn't mind him coming with us. BKs BD disappeared 2 years ago, so it's not like they get to do anything with him either.

You go with your kids. Leave DH to make his own mind up whether he comes or not.

Your step son wouldn’t consider time with someone else’s gran a holiday would he?

Go with your kids. Keep referring to it as "visiting my mum" rather than a holiday.

Also, why can't you do cinema, soft play etc when SS isn't there? Is it because DH says you can't? If so, you have a DH problem.

Go! Of course you should go. Have a lovely time. DH can come or not. And stop leaving nice days out till SS is with you, that’s completely unfair on your own kids. They should have the full fun childhood you want for them, it’s not their fault they have a step brother (who does plenty without them) and they shouldn’t miss out on anything. If it’s DH enforcing that tell him not to be so ridiculous and do what you like with your kids.

I don't drive and public transport where I live isn't great. BKs like to do things with DH, but when hes not at work we have SS. I did talk to them about how they have to understand that if they want to do things with DH, SS will be there too. They are coming to terms with it, and we have done a couple of small things recently, but then they feel bad that DH isn't there to enjoy it with us.

How old are all of the children?

He has been with us before, but that was before the lies and the way he treats my BKs. We even caught him out on one of the lies when he was asked why, and he told us his BM told him to.

It's not DH enforcing it or anything like that. BKs just enjoy having him around when we do things. But when he's not at work, we have SS. We slowly started doing more, but then they feel bad that DH isn't involved. They don't want him to miss out on OBs first either.

10, 7, 6, and 9 months

I would agree with others. Just arrange to go see your mum with your kids and call it that.

Trouble with that is DH sees it as a holiday, because its along the coast and we'd be staying in a caravan. Might have to ask him if he'd feel the same if that wasn't the case.

Honestly I would just arrange it. What is the alternative? Waiting until SS can go even if he doesn’t want to. So what if your mum lives near the coast. The reason you are going is to see her, not to go on holiday. I get your husband wants to include his son, but doesn’t mean that everything needs to include him. Just do it at a time he isn’t with you.

We have SS whenever DH isn't at work. So we'd either have to arrange for SS to stay with his BM when we're supposed to have him, or go without DH too anyway.

It isn't about SS wanting to go or not wanting to go, I don't want him there because of how he's been treating my BKs. My anxiety has started to spike whenever he's due to come here. I can't relax with him around at the moment.

i’d suggest dh plans somethimg for just him and his son. perhaps next weekend away at somethimg the boy likes to do. that way he will hane had a fun time with his dad all to himself.

then brand you going away with kids as them seeing their gran. not a holiday.

then when you come back dh takes his son out the next weekend again doing nice stuff. that way nobody can say ss has been badly treated.

it doesn’t have to be dear stuff, just quality time together even if it’s just a local event or something. it’s the time thats important.

is there anything that would fit the bill?

Doing a trip like this when he isn't with you would be fine, but actively sending him away when he's meant to be with his dad will look like exactly what it is, pushing him out of the family.

Complaining that you can't do trips without him is also a bit disingenuous, when the reason you can't is that his dad is a work, so can't give you a lift to softplay.

I think you should have considered if you could accept this primary school age child into the family before you procreate with his dad.

I understand him not wanting to go away without his DC but that doesn’t stop you, just go with the DC.

SS has been behaving like this recently and your youngest is 9 months? Sounds like he might be struggling with having a new sibling and maybe that your 2 are with the baby all the time.

SS sounds like he is struggling and DH and ex will need to prioritise him and work on that.

You need to prioritise on protecting your DC

I wasn't trying to send him away. It was more about going away without DH so we don't have to send him away.

Did you miss the part where I said BKs like having DH around to do these things? And DH likes joining in with them too. I didn't say we couldn't do things without DH, just that its more difficult because of the area we live in. We have started to go out more again, but actual events are difficult to get to.

The issues with SS didn't start until last year, and through his own admission it's coming from BM. Despite the issues, I do love my SS and have fought tooth and nail for him with things regarding school and doctors appointments. Before he was an "every other weekend" child, so before the issues started me and DH worked out a way for us to get closer to 50/50 so we could spend more time with him. Before the lies and the mistreatment of my BKs, DH and I were talking about going for full custody with EOW being with BM, because BM said she couldn't handle him.

Do your children like him?

This is ultimately what we agreed on last night. I got a bit overwhelmed by it, and although we have spoken about it before we really got into the finer details last night.

When I say recently, it's been over a year. It's more the way he treats BKs has got worse over the last month or so. The issues didn't start until BM had trouble at her house, and for SS stability we let her stay with us for a while until things were sorted. We didn't do it for her, we did it for SS. It was shortly after she left that the issues started, that was when the lies that got social involved started. SS even said that he told those lies because his mum told him to. However we did find out yesterday, that for the last month BM has been packing her house up to move, which may explain the treatment of BKs. SS is probably disregulated from all that and not knowing where he's going to be living (or how it may affect when we see him). Trouble is BM treats him like a problem child, which might also influence his behaviour around BKs. He's never awful to his half-sibling, careless yes, awful no. It's just my BKs from my last relationship that he's awful to, one of his "favourite things to do" (his words) is to make comments about their BD not being involved.

Sometimes. Recently less so because of the way he's been treating them, and he has a habit of trying to break their things (never his own, never OBs, never ours, only my BKs). We keep everything fair between them, so it's not like BKs have "more" than him. He doesn't live out of a bag when he's with us, he has his own everything here. Whenever we buy for BKs, we buy for him too, even when it's not our time with him. If that was the case, I could understand the behaviour a little more and would work on correcting it, but thats never even been a question in our house. It's his home too, even if he's not here all the time.

BKs often ask when he's next with us. Sometimes they start talking about the stuff they can do together, even after he started being horrible to them, but lately it's almost like they're mentally preparing themselves for when hes here.

Your DH needs to address this issue with your SS. DH sounds weak.

But yes if it stays as is - I'd go with the BKs to 'see your mum'. Not a holiday.

He has. Over and over again. Then SS goes back to BM, and when he's next with us, we have to start all over again. Every time. DH has even tried bringing this up with BM, and she turns it around and blames BKs. It doesn't matter how many times we talk to her about it, we're going round in circles.

He is a 10 year old who does not have a stable upbringing and has seen his dad move away and start another family.
His dad has 2 new children who live with him whilst he probably feels like a visitor/outsider when he is at your home.

Yep.

all behaviour is communication and your SS is communicating that he is very unhappy.

He needs protection and support as much as your DC do (this isn’t fair on them either) maybe spend more weekends with your mum so DH can spend more 1:1 time with SS?

The poor thing sounds like he needs stability.

He's not the 10 year old.

DH has been in the same house for the last 5-6 years, and we live 10 minutes away from BMs house for now (she's moving). I have been part of SS life before me and DH got together so me and BKs were not strangers to him. We ran trail runs for 6 months before we moved in, and agreed that for SS stability, I would be the one to move in with DH instead of the other way round.

He has everything he needs here so he wouldn't feel like a visitor. He doesn't live out of bags while hes with us. His space has not changed from before we moved in, aside from updating his things which we spoke with him about and let him help choose.