Am I wrong to want to be asked to solo parent my stepson?

[ThatPoliteSwan]

Ive been with my partner for 4 years, we have 2 children under 2 together and he has an 11 year old from a pervious relationship. We have him 50/50. Recently his behaviour is getting really out of hand, whenever we have him the house is full of shouting and trying to discipline him. He has no boundaries at his other parents so when he comes to us he thinks he can do what he wants whenever he wants. All the shouting makes me uncomfortable and I hate for the 2 small children to be around it all the time.
My partner recently made a comment of how he shouldn't have to ask me if he wants to do something while we have his son and I should just have him. For context he goes out for a full day of sports, gone before they wake and back at bedtime. I made a comment how he never tells me I am having his son till the night before and then im made to feel guilty about being unhappy with it. His loves to say he likes to 'torture' the babies, he constantly winds them up till they screaming never leaves them alone to just play alone. I find it really hard, and find i become a parent I dont want to be and shout. I dont enjoy my time with the babies if im alone with all 3.
I have to cancel plans with friends because going out in public is just too much for me.
Other than being alone with him I do pretty much everything else parenting wise, plan days out as a family, solely responsible for feeding, cleaning, I keep track of when we have him and don't. So im not an absent step parent, but I am wrong to be wanted to be asked if im okay to have him alone for such a long day?

Yanbu. Hes treating you as a nanny with a fanny

So your stepson has two useless parents 🙁
Yes of course he should "ask". And he should be at home with his unruly child not out all day, until the SS learns to behave.

I think he should ask you as a courtesy but equally you got with your DP and had children with him knowing he has a DS. He has DS 50/50 so of course he is part of the family unit. Did your DP play this sport before you started a family?

Go away for the weekend with the little ones, unannounced. Let's see how your useless partner copes then.

Another happy blended ie mangled family.

Honestly, what even first attracted you to this selfish twerp? Let alone have children with him

Stick to your own plans. Up and out early with your toddlers...

Seems like another situation where the two adults would be best living separately. For you and your kids best interests, to live in your own property, being financially independent, owning your own house.
You can still date your boyfriend and co-parent your own kids with him.

I expect he'd tantrum over that idea though, he doesn't want to be around his kid and is fine with your two kids being scared in their own home.

He’d be a shit parent and partner even if it wasn’t for his Ds.

His Ds is likely acting out because he has watched his Dad have 2 more babies that he lives with at all times (albeit uselessly) with a woman who is not his Mum. This kind of thing is hard on kids and takes careful handling.

Rather than swanning off to his sports event your Dp should be spending quality one to one time with his Ds, as well, of course , as family time with your Dc

Your Dp is immature and pathetic. Who winds babies up like that?

I have no idea whether you can turn this around. I’d let him know that if you leave him he will be responsible for his Ds 50/50 and will be having your Dc on his own EOW. So he needs to think in about meeting his responsibilities and not bring such a selfish fucker.

Guaranteed this prince won’t be a high earner enough to afford splitting homes

YANBU and if his biological parents don't step up and deal with his behaviour now, it'll get much more challenging once the hormones kick in. How much weekend time does your partner actually spend with his oldest son? Is he with his mother on the Sunday?

That's his problem, OPs priority is her kids safety and happiness and her own housing and future.

And chances that the op will be able to support herself without relying on him? With two children under 2? Also low

I’d be telling him I’m not caring for DSS at all until his behaviour is better - DH doesn’t get to skip off and leave him to you. He has to deal with it.

Wanting to ‘torture’ is very worrying though, I’d wouldn’t really want him round the DC at all. Your DH needs to sort him out fast, or I’d be off.

This.

although you say you have him 50/50 you need to tell your partner he fathered 3 kids and that means he gets no free time - none the default position is he looks after his son 24/7 when he is there with his first partner he is the biological father and he can ask you to do 50:50 with yours but it might be more as you need a break

When did him being a shit dad start?

I understand why your DSS is unhappy but it's for his DF to deal with, he needs to make his son feel secure again and running out on him all day won't do that. Your DH needs to take his son with him, not leave him at home to wind your babies up

Also, the very worst parents are the one who refuse to do anything about their child’s behaviour, but then get upset when their spouse (child’s step-parent) doesn’t want to be round their child.

They can’t have it both ways.

Another useless man who should not be having more children.

Dis you not realise he was a useless, selfish man before having two children with him?

Please protect your two very young children and LTB.

As I've said twice already, OP needs to prioritise her own future and finances, it's especially vital as she is not married. (Maybe she owns the house, who knows)
Also her kids aren't happy or safe living with their half brother, so their needs also need centred.

Blunt, but fair. Your post really reads, OP, as though your DP is doing everything he can to avoid being at home when his son is around.

it’s he who has his son 50/50, not you.

Surely even if stepson wasn't there, a discussion should be had about plans and who is looking after the kids etc? Like does he regularly just make all day plans and not tell you til the night before?

But on the flipside, I think its reasonable that if he's out and you are minding the kids then you are minding all 3. But also you get the same opportunity to leave for a day and have him in charge of 3 kids solo. I say that as a step-parent with a shared toddler, one on the way and a step pre-teen.

Your stepson is only 11, and has had 2 siblings (at least, perhaps more on moms side) brought into his life very newly with a woman (you) who was also very new to.his life. Different homes have different rules... thats a tough transition. And dad swans off instead of spending time with him? I can see why he's having a tough time.

How did he manage parenting as a single parent before he got together with you?

Its obvious that he will not take full charge of all three children so its useless to suggest.

So he gets to avoid CM and his parenting responsibilities...nice.

what does his father actually do to parent him?