Sponsoring kids disagreement

[TossaCointoyerWitcha]

DS (age 10) is taking part in a “sponsored bounce” - his mum and her partner have sponsored him separately and asked if my DP of three years would be willing to as well. DP doesn’t have kids herself and was surprised to be asked. I made it clear it wouldn’t have to be anything other than something perfunctory however she believes a) since we are a couple I should pay the sponsorship on behalf of us both and b) DS is benefitting from have his parents separately sponsoring him anyway so her and his mum’s partner sponsoring him as well would be an advantage other kids don’t have.

I do see her logic, however part of me feels a bit sad - he’s a kid wanting to do something for charity and it’s not like he regularly does sponsored events (the last was two years ago before DP was introduced). It’s not about the cost - if it were me or indeed, his mum’s DP we’d think “bless him” and not give it a second thought.

For context, DP and I live separately and she is only involved in DS’s life in as much as she pops round when they’re around sometimes and we do celebrations, trips to festivals, etc together. I coparent 50% time and don’t lean on her for parental support. She is very much “Dad’s special friend”.

Can any step-parents help me navigate this? Have you encountered similar?

I think she's being a bit of a dick about it, just sponsor a few quid and move on? Can't see why your DP is making such a big deal about it.

When we have these sorts of things, we never send them out to anyone. I hate that they use children to shill. It’s our job as parents to pay for our children. We just donate a larger sum ourselves.

I have to agree with your partner here. This donation should come from you. You can list it under two names if that makes you feel better.

I have 2 comments;

1. Your partner definitely isn't a step-parent. I know you haven't specifically called her that but just to be clear, she doesn't seem to have the desire to be a fully fledged step-parent (probably ever).

2. She sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. Like I'd throw my friends kids or my neighbours kids a fiver for some sponsorship. She's making terrible excuses instead of just saying "No, I'm a tight bitch"

You asked her, she said no.

Maybe she thinks it’s not a challenge, maybe she doesn’t like the charity, maybe she already donates to charity, maybe she doesn’t like being asked for money. Just do as she suggested and donate for you both.

You're basically asking her to give your kid money and she doesn’t want to.

You're basically asking her to give your kid money and she doesn’t want to.

How miserly is that though.

Fair point about 1. As an aside a while back she made a point about how she should be considered DS’ step-parent, however I feel that title comes with accepting more parental responsibilities. I’ve no desire to impose those on her - and, from how things have gone down far, I don’t feel she would actually want them either. She values her independence far too much.

This. DP is putting too much thought into it.

@BearPaw It isn’t a charity issue. She’s just honestly baffled why I asked. Would be useful to know if you’re the SP or parent if it’s not too cheeky to ask!

As someone who always donates to these things: very!

Plenty of people don’t though. I’m sure it’s more of a blanket no-donating rule than specifically against the SC.

Yeah and that seems to be the difference between your DP and your exs DP. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her not wanting a parental or semi-parental role... as long as that's clear between you both. In this instance I wouldn't have even asked her because I'd know she just wouldn't participate.

Your exes DP might play a more significant role in your kids life and be happy to chip in to family expenses.

"I thought you wanted to be part of parenting. This is the sort of thing that might be involved. Also, even just as a friend, it's a nice thing to do. What's your issue?"

I am a stepparent and my stepson comes to me with anything he needs, not his dad 😂 Need money for sports... me. Need money for school... me.

But the difference is I play a hugely active role in his life. Your partner doesn't play a stepparent role. And again, that's completely fine if you're on the same page.

However, I would always have my SS ask even my siblings for a few quid sponsorship. It's like once a year, she's clearly just a bit miserly.

She isn't wrong I guess...but she is being a dick and a bit of a tight arse when a little kid just wants a few quid for their bounce thing.

It hints at personality traits that I would find spectacularly unsexy in a partner. No thank you. To use modern parlance; it gives me the ick

I’m a stepparent (one that lives with the non-resident parent). If my SC did something similar, both their mum + stepdad and me + DH would pay as couples. Because we are couples.

If you went to a wedding together, would you get a joint card and present?

I get that but then as a kid myself, my parents used to sponsor me 'separately' only for the reason that it looked like I'd collected more sponsors than I had! Was actually nothing about money or anything else.

My SC has actually done something similar and I sent the details out to a number of my family and friends. Some donated, some didn’t. Personally I always would if asked, but many don’t!

It doesn’t sound like this “SP” is very clued up on kid psychology!

I think the difference here is that the OPs partner doesn't live with them, and has pretty little to do with them it seems bar the odd outing here and there. So I think looking at it from a step-parent view doesn't work here.

From an entirely human point of view, just give the kid a few quid 😂 Sounds like she's afraid that putting her name on his sponsorship card might mean she's signing up for a lifetime role of stepmother in her eyes

It’s pretty tight - like not spending a quid on a chocolate Easter egg but I think that you should taking a note about how she currently sees the situation.

Bit shitty really. It would really, really put me off a partner and would definitely be giving the relationship a lot of thought!

why are you being ‘clear’ about something you’ve acknowledged hasn’t been said?

Because the OP has written in a stepparent forum, asking stepparent views.
I'm being clear because really OPs partner isn't a atepparent, doesn't appear to want to be a full on stepparent (which is absolutely fine if so)... so it's more of a personal question.

It’s in the right forum and context.

Ok, Mumsnet boss 😂

It sounds like something minor is being turned into a big deal. What your ex's partner does isn't really relevant to what your partner does. Sponsoring children's activities is something people have really varied feelings and attitudes to. If she wants to do it she can, if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to, if you want to put a couple of quid in in her name to make the form fuller you could.

It sounds like it's more of a question about her role in your child's life and what that entails, and what you both want it to look like.