What would you make of this? Partner never wants alone time without baby

[thelaststandingstone]

Don't know what to make of this situation.

Long term DP and I had a baby who is now nearly 8 months old.

Due to teens living with us and an elderly parent (can't do childcare) and also DP working hours and soon to be mine too, we hardly get any time together at all, there's usually always someone around.

A few times now sister has been visiting and offered to take the baby. I've messaged DP saying after work do you want to go a walk or a drive with me without baby. He says no lets bring her. Almost every time.

It's definitely not that he doesn't want to leave the baby, or has an issue with sister. It's not that he doesn't see baby much although he does see less of her than me but does spend time with her a lot.

It feels hurtful that he seems to not want to spend time alone with me. I'm wondering if he is checked out.

He might just love his child and want to spend as much time with her whilst she so little?

Sorry OP but it does sound as though he has checked out and is a oiding spending time with you.
Have you noticed any other changes in his behaviour?

If this was a woman resisting spending time alone without the baby we would be endorsing her and saying it is normal.
Maybe this child’s father doesn’t feel ready.

I’m not sure I’d be that bothered about a walk or drive after work myself. Evening out with dinner, now you’re talking.

Is this always last minute? What is you ask more in advance if he wants to do something together?

Is he at work full time while you are at home with your Dd??
If so then maybe he misses her, and wants to spend his evenings after work bonding with his baby?? You have her all her waking hours? He just gets a few hours before bed??

To be honest, I wouldn't really fancy going for a walk or a drive after a day at work. I just want to get home and put my comfies on! Maybe he just misses his baby daughter and wants to spend some time with her after being at work all day?

@OneNewLeader and @Smartiepants79 Maybe he does just want to spend time with her, but it does seem like more than that to me but maybe just the way I'm thinking about it. He does work full time but he works over 6 days only until about 2pm so has plenty time with her. Some nights he is busy ferrying about teenagers or elderly parent or walking the dog but I'd say he does have time with her.

@Sunandsunshine Not really any other changes in his behaviour. We've been quite distant since she was born though. A few weeks ago I had it out with him about a few things such as me never getting time to myself so he did agree to have her a couple of hours once or twice a week so I can do a hobby. he did start a new job a couple months ago, but I seem to remember him being like this before that re not wanting to spend time together.

@Floppyearedlab It's definitely not that he doesn't want to leave the baby. He was trying to get the teens to watch her when she was a few weeks old and had jaundice, so we could go to watch football! It's the past couple months maybe a bit longer.

@HeddaGarbled I see what you mean and did wonder this, but we don't have much money and we used to enjoy walks and drives before she was born since we live in a beautiful area. Maybe he'd be more interested if it were something more enticing yes, but then he used to be enthusiastic about these things.

@Sarahelisa Yes it is pretty much always last minute. We don't have any childcare in advance really, it's only if sister is visiting and offers. She comes to see us all probably wouldn't come just to babysit. That's why it's so hurtful, because the opportunity is so few say around once a month for a couple hours.

@whippersnapper55 Yes, but he wanted to go on the walk...just not with me only, absolutely insisted our daughter come too even though I said I meant just the two of us...!

He either just really likes spending time with both of you or he’s avoiding being alone with you because he doesn’t want you to come on to him. Bit odd, but could be a reasonable explanation i suppose. I’d just ask him to be honest.

I see you talked to him about getting some time to yourself OP.
Have you talked to him about how you feel he doesn't want to spend one on one tine with you now?
If not I really think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation. I remember some wise poster talking about how relationships need to be nurtured to survive. So not having any alone time together to build closeness is very serious. If you talk about this and the need to spend time together then his reaction should be very telling. If he doesn't want to put work into the relationship then you will know your worries are valid.

@OMGDidYouSayThat I said to him it feels like the only time he wants to spend any time with me is sexual stuff. He's not avoiding me coming on to him.

@Sunandsunshine I have mentioned to him many times that I miss alone time with him. This same scenario happened back in November and I was upset he didn't want to and we argued, so he knows it matters to me. I've also told him I get lonely at nights when baby in bed, teens off doing their own thing and he spends a lot of time dealing with his elderly parent who lives in the same street as us (pretty much with us) even though it can't be helped. A couple of other times, he has spent time with me but not without first asking that we all go (him me and baby) and he initially was very reluctant.

I suppose I am a little suspicious that he has checked out of the relationship and why that would be.

I think you need to cut him some slack. You’ve got a houseful of teens. You have a newish baby. He is caring for his parent. He works. He’s been told off for not giving you alone time. Now he’s in trouble for not spending alone time with you. The man’s only got so much fuel in the tank (and hours in the day).

I don’t really understand whats going on, he avoids spending alone time with you but it happy to when sex is involved? What does he do after sex, does he go distant or does he feel close? It sounds like he’s distracted in some way.

@HeddaGarbled I do get what you are saying but I am also back at work albeit very part time (1 day), I do 100% of absolutely everything in the house, including all the mental load and organisation, cleaning, shopping, meals, everything with the teens except any driving, I am default responsible for baby 100%. Also the house is mine (he owns the house his parent lives in so it's not like he has nothing) so he has a lot of his wages to spend on himself. I felt I needed some time to myself to do a hobby. He gets time for his hobbies. But I do see what you are saying, he is working 9-2 6 days a week and does everything for the dog, a bit for his parent, and driving the teens, and now takes the baby a couple times a week for a few hours.

@OMGDidYouSayThat We barely get any time alone together even in the house, one of the teens often about and if not them then his parent about, or baby needing attention. On occasions we are both in, not needing sleep, and no teens or his parent in, we will put baby for a nap or in jumperoo and he will always want to use that time together for sex. Say once a week this will happen. Whereas I find it hard to just get in the mood like that, but I do it because it's rare we get this time together. He moans a bit that I'm not as into sex anymore. When sister comes and offers to take baby then I ask him to spend some time together such as go for a walk or to a cafe or whatever, he insists we take the baby too! As if spending time with me is just pointless waste of his time.

I think it’s pretty normal to want to leave an 8 month old in the care of people other than the parents as little as possible.

I get that, but he is happy to leave her with his elderly parent who is not able for it so I said no or with the older teen who is capable but does not really want to have her. So it's not that.

@thelaststandingstone i do wonder what it would be like if you had more time together generally, your life sounds very busy, me and my wife rarely get any time to ourselves because the kids are quite demanding and it does definitely create distance so i know where you’re coming from, it sounds like he is prioritising sex as your time together is limited, maybe if you had more time together it would be a better mix of quality time and sex rather than just sex. Difficult to find time i know.

Yes our lives are very busy. To be honest after baby was born he was in a job with longer hours and at one point he did 3.5 weeks without a single day off, when she was weeks old. I don't think the relationship would have even survived this far if he hadn't changed his job. He didn't do it for family balance it was not his choice.

There has been and is resentments on both sides and things have felt off since baby was born. Not much time to repair things either. We have actually been together a long time as well, but didn't live together for most of it. I am glad that he loves his daughter, but it just stings that he doesn't seem to see the point of spending time together with me anymore. Still wants sex though 🙄 Maybe it's resentments. I am slightly worried as well that someone could have caught his attention I don't mean cheating, I mean because we've been in a bad place maybe he has kind of checked out and investing energy into some new friendship or something. Maybe I am way off, and to be fair there aren't any other signs of that, it just seems so weird and off that you wouldn't jump at the chance to spend a relaxed couple hours with your partner.