Am I right to be upset after my husband repeated this behaviour?

[Gemzino]

Really after some advice and really hoping some of you lovely people can help.
Been with my husband 20 years and we met at school so things haven’t always been easy. We have kids who are now young adults with their own partners.
We both have busy full time jobs and despite the kids being older they both still rely on me a lot (they have autism so life is harder for them so they’re much less independent).
Around 18 months ago I found out he had been on adult sites messaging women and paying for private ‘chats’. Some of these were really graphic. I was devastated but when I pulled him on it he poured out how he had a drug issue and this was all happening when he was using and it was just about attention. Swore he hadn’t ever physically done anything and it was all just about his ego. He got help for the drugs and swore he wouldn’t do anything like this again. He was absolutely devastated so I forgave him.
This weekend he had been away with mates and came back worse for wear and passed out in the sofa. I was annoyed but he doesn’t do it often so just went to bed. His phone was charging in our room and it kept buzzing so I picked it up to silence it. I then discovered again he’s been on different adult sites and commenting/ messaging people.
I screenshotted it and set it as his home page so he knew I’d seen it and went to work.
today he’s apologised for commenting on them etc but said ‘all men watch porn’ and basically turned it on me that I don’t show him enough attention and he’s never my priority! I’m absolutely fuming that he would try and justify or minimise it all. Am I right to be upset? I don’t know what to do right now. Can’t even look at him!

How dare he blame you!!! Absolute waste of oxygen. He needs to man up and fuck off. I'm so sorry OP.

Messaging someone is not the same as looking at porn. If he has problems with how you act towards him, it's his responsibility to bring them to you like an adult.

As you've had this same conversation in the past, that explanation cuts even less mustard imo.

Of course you're right to be upset. This is a pattern now and he's full of excuses. The line about all men watching porn is just trying to deflect from the issue and shut you down. Even if all men do watch porn, it's up to you whether you will put up with that. And this is beyond watching porn. I'd be long gone for what it's worth.

I would be wondering what else he got up to while he was away with his mates OP.

All men don't watch porn and the pathetic specimens who use this as an excuse and also blame their partners for their own cheating behaviour are pretty repulsive.He is full of excuses and it's everyone's fault but his.

He doesn't respect you. You deserve so much better OP.

I suspect, as you probably do, that he never stopped this behaviour and the drug use is highly likely to have continued also. You've given him a chance to clean up his act and he hasn't. He's lied to you and then tried to turn it around on you instead of showing any remorse. If I were you, I'd be walking away from this relationship now. I can only see more heartbreak in the future if you do not 😔

he needs an STD test

Having been through this, but with also paid sex, he has an addiction. The ugliest addictions of them all. Not excusing his behaviour with blaming it on an addiction but the types of men that seek this type of gratification and dopamine nearly always fail to stop. If anything they go to great lengths to not only disguise their behaviour but the content they seek to get their ‘fix’ becomes more intense also. Usually the men that do this also pay for sex and when caught say they were only looking for an ego boost or thrill. It’s textbook honestly. He’s also gaslighting you to make you believe it’s your fault, mine did this too, again, textbook. Honestly, get out whilst you can. This man is dangerous. I ended up having a full mental breakdown.

At the least you can ask him to do a drug test and an STD test. But why would you ever take him back when he’s done this before and now claims to see nothing wrong in it? It’s cheating, and he’s been using drugs behind your back as well?! He’s a liar and a cheat and you’ll never be able to trust him. You’re worth more than this OP.