Should I warn my friend more strongly about someone I introduced?

[Neonspongecake]

I could do with some advice on this situation which involved a friend of mine. Sorry this all got a bit wordy but I didn't want to drip feed.

We are good friends and we have started a business venture together, although we have not launched yet, and we are currently in the refinement phase where we are looking for feedback and tips. As part of this we both reached out to contacts and friends who'd be familiar or experts on the topic.

We met with a friend and former colleague of mine whose opinion I really value. We always got on well and worked really well together, but we have since moved on into different directions. As much as I value him as a friend and SME, I also think that he is complete sociopath. He has never done anything to me personally, but I know what he is like.

Since the meeting he has reached out to my friend/ business partner privately and she seems excited and happy. I've told her that he is a bit dodgy and that I don't think this would be a good idea thinking that this might make her think twice, but clearly it hasn't.

I'm feeling uneasy and I can't help feeling that it will be my fault if this goes bad, because I had introduced him as a friend. I would consider her a bit vulnerable, too. But I don't really know how to push this further without looking like I want to sabotage her which I don't. DH is telling me to just stay out of it which I considered but I just feel like I made a huge mistake and I don't know how to mitigate it.

I don't think she's going to take your opinion of him being a sociopath seriously when you've raved about valuing his opinion and him being a good friend. It makes you sound weirdly jealous that she wants to talk to him.

Do you have evidence of a pattern of behaviour in how he has conducted his personal life in the past that you can present her with to make her own decision?

I would be more concerned that he will sabotage / steal your business and / or business partner.

Yes I totally agree, I would think the same.

I've told her that he's a bit dodgy

You've already tried a bit. I would maybe say one more thing, something specific about being a bit worried about her because you've seen him/ heard him do blah blah blah (not just 'dodgy' bit shy you think he's a sociopath, don't use that word).....you really need to say this for your conscience but apart from that it's her choice and her life. You might just get her looking for signs though even if she doesn't welcome your concern.

No of course I won't be using that word to her. I just wanted to explain why I am worried.
Yeah, I can give her some reasons why I think she ought to be careful. It's her choice of course but I hate the idea of having potentially misled her.
All I wanted was his honest assessment of our product.

What is it that you're actually worried about? I think you should express that to her.

I do know what you mean that some of the best business people can be the most awful individual on a personal level.

But are you actually saying that he's dangerous? I'm rather confused.

I think you need to be more specific than 'he's a bit dodgy' especially as you describe him as a friend and get on well with him. Just be honest with her.

So why did you big him up to her initially? Why do you have what sounds like a completely schizoid vision of him — how can you both ‘value him as a friend’ and also think he is ‘a complete sociopath’?

That's a good point and made me think.
He doesn't do anything unless there is something in it for him, and he's very good at reading people. I know that he has been violent and or abusive in the past because he told me about it himself (and I doubt that I got the full story), but he didn't care when I told him what I thought. He is very good at his job though.
My friend is recently separated and her confidence is low, and I just don't want her to get hurt again, especially if I introduced them. He will walk all over her.

Because he is, but he is also very good at what he does and he can help us, and he has never screwed me over. But you are right, I should not have introduced them but hadn't anticipated it.
Maybe I am overthinking.

But why are you friends with a violent, abusive man, just because he’s never lifted a hand to you? None of that has anything to do with whether he’s good at his job, and has useful advice on your business!

So the reality is, he is a violent man and you don't want her being friends or more with him

Just tell her that. Tell her you made the introduction thinking it was just a work thing. Explain that you regret it - job done.

Are you worried that she'll be angry with you for putting him in her path in the first place? To be honest, I question that as well. The endorsement of the business - is it really worth keeping in touch with a violent man?

it's really strange to me that you mentioned the violence second, and you've only mentioned it when we've asked you what exactly the problem is.

I didn't mention the details because I just wanted to keep this simple and get thoughts on how to navigate the situation without causing a mess. And no, I don't think that she'll be angry but that she won't believe me, and get hurt.

I don't know why we stayed friends but we just did. I have done some very embarrassing things in the past (a google search will suffice) and he never cared or judged and I try to return the same lack of judgement for things that people do outside of work.
In retrospect I should have just met him without her as we used to. But I got some good and objective advice and I appreciate it

Op hold on now a second, there’s doing some embarrassing shit in your private life, & then there’s being a violent/ abusive person , stark difference !.
I’d be telling him to back the fuck off away from your friend , you know his history , he’s told you .
Who gives a fiddlers if he never speaks to you again , he doesn’t sound up to much to begin with.
If he goes & tells your friend , so the fuck what , unless she’s an idiot she will realise you have her best interests at heart .

As much as I value him as a friend and SME, I also think that he is complete sociopath

how on earth have you come to that diagnosis? Hearsay?

I have done some very embarrassing things in the past (a google search will suffice)

what do you mean by that?!

I know that he has been violent and or abusive in the past because he told me about it himself

Well that's the mother of all drip feeds. He's a violent man and all you've said to her is "he's a bit dodgy"? You've completely trivialised what you know about him.

You have a moral duty to protect your friend by warning her about his violence. If my daughter got involved with a man who turned out to be violent, and her friend had known but not told her, I'd find that unforgivable and frankly despicable.

I know that he has been violent and or abusive in the past because he told me about it himself

oh fgs

the next drip will be the op was in a relationship with him for a decade

AI/made up post tbh. Has that "and then this happened" vibe where we're just gonna get increasingly baffling details.

Bloody hell OP, you're not exactly a great human being yourself are you?

You're willing to keep this guy in your life, who you know for a fact to be a violent abuser, just because he's never hurt you and he can be of use to you.

No, you friend isn't likely to believe you when you tell her, because she's not going to understand why you'd have someone like that in your life, and why you'd put her at risk.

You need to tell her though, as clearly as you can, even though it's going to involve revealing that you're somewhat lacking in moral fibre yourself.

If there's something concrete - you've seen him hurt someone else, or someone you trust has told you about being hurt by him - then I would tell your friend the specifics. You may need to explain that you thought this person was very useful for business advice and didn't mind distant limited contact ash he'd never hurt YOU but you also didn't anticipate a more personal connection developing between him and your friend. That may be really awkward but I'd still talk if you believe she might be in danger; better safe than sorry. If it's just a feeling or subjective bias or dislike then I'd probably not bring it up.

This business is going to hit the skids before it’s even started

Thanks for some good advice and I have decided that I will speak to her. I have not witnessed him being violent. As I said I was going by things that he had casually mentioned himself. I have seen bad behaviour in the workplace but that should be irrelevant as I simply wanted advice on a specific topic. I don't see why all of these details were necessary to divulge if I had outlined from the start why I was uneasy about the situation. And no, he was and always will be a colleague or now ex colleague and I stand by what I said.

Thanks for the advice and I will speak to her

Stay out of it OP. You’re the vulnerable one here- there’s nothing stopping from her thinking you’re jealous, telling him and him and her taking on your idea and passing it off as their own. You’ve warned her, she hasn’t listened. That’s on her. Let them get on with it. Listen to your hisband!!!

Or husband, even!