Emotionally unintelligent?

[DepressedCow]

Has anyone experienced this with a partner? I would value your advice.

I have a fairly new partner, who I genuinely love.

He is not a bad man, quite the opposite, but I am finding there is not the emotional care with him I would hope for.

Unfortunately whilst being with him I have experienced several life defining events which have been extremely painful. His level of verbal support during these has been minimal. His acts of practical care around thise events have been zero.

For example, a parent (complicated relationship) passed away. His first response was "are you going to the funeral"?

No how are you, no I'm **sorry..nothing. No bunch of flowers, no sympathy card, no quick visit for a supportive hug. Nothing.

He is extremely intelligent, but I am beginning to believe he is emotionally unintelligent. Either that, or he is choosing not to support me. Neither is a good state of being.

He can during these times reach out to me with big paragraphs of text about the minutae of his day, which as you can imagine feels extremely tone deaf when I am essentially drowning in life trauma.

Anyone else dealt with this? I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Possibly autisticZ

Yes, I have considered that possibility.

Yes. We broke up last night. He just had no social skills, no emotional intelligence, an extremely clever and nice man but just not what I wanted or needed from a partner. It won’t work unfortunately and it’s really sad but if you need that emotional connection you NEED a partner who can give you it. I promise you it will grate on you, it will upset you because you love them so much but there’s that ONE thing.

he sounds like my ex. It won’t go very well in my experience. Emotionally intelligent people need emotionally intelligent people around them to feel connected. Me and my ex used to send paragraphs every hour or every day and I liked that but it was so surface level.

just my thoughts on my experience. Just two different types of people. Edit to add I really love him and he really loves me. But if there are these massive differences it’s really not nice to stay in. It leaves you wondering whether they’re actually bothered. Other posters said possibly autistic, I think my ex was, I am autistic and adhd myself so I can see it. but just loving someone isn’t enough sometimes. They don’t realise they have to actually be emotionally present to build connection.

I think this a pretty fundamental element that would be a deal breaker for me. What do you love about him when his attention and care for you is so lacking?

I wouldn't expect a sympathy card from my partner if my parent died. That's almost too cold. Like that's more what someone who doesn't know you that well or see you every day might do?

I think not saying 'Im sorry' is another thing you need to forgive. People often don't know what to say and if they don't know the deceased and you had a rocky relationship they can't be expected to fake bereavement on your behalf.

It's really hard and I lost my dad at 13. Nobody knew what to say. So it just got swept under the carpet. It doesn't get easier for others to know how to process your loss. It doesn't mean they don't care about you.

He can be very loving in other ways, just not in an emotionally " I've got your back " way, not when you REALLY need him. He seems to miss emotional cues entirely, or he is choosing to miss them, I am not sure which.

I am currently going through something very painful, something he would have been 100% aware of when I met him, and there just has been no warm support. No checking in. No moving towards me practically. But I have recieved messages about what a good time he has had at something, or what DIY he is in the process of doing. It's utterly tone deaf, and very hurtful.

How is he in the non life-defining moments? Emotional connection is something we need in the day to day as well as for the big stuff. Is he interested in your emotional wellbeing as a general rule?

I’m going to take a guess that he’s not good at that either. I don’t have any experience of this but I will say that whatever label you put on it, not showing empathy at the death of someone’s parent and being tone deaf enough to trouble them with the trivia of your day would be a deal breaker for me. If he can’t emotionally show up for that he’s unlikely to be showing up for anything else where you need support and that wouldn’t be a relationship I’d want to be in.

We dont live together, so we don't see each other every day.

Ok about the card, although I would have done that for him, but would you be ok with him not even asking if you are ok?

We met up a few days afterwards ( pre planned long time previous) and he didn't ask how I was then either. He did eventually ask how my week had been..and when I replied, do you mean apart from the obvious? THEN he said.."oh yes, your parents.. how are you?"

I just don't see that as normal behaviour.

When the chips are down, when the really hard things in life happen, you need people who will be there for you.

With some people, they drown when their nearest and dearest are going through something hard. Actually, sometimes they simply aren't aware that they need to give their partner time to talk, to cry; that they need to hug them.

It's worth talking to him if he's being crassly insensitive to let him know that you expect (very reasonably!) something different and better in terms of connection when things are tough. You may have to spell it out. If he tries, the relationship may be salvageable. It might just be a learning curve for him. Men in particular struggle with knowing how to be supportive and need to learn.

If he doesnt/can't improve then you know what your future with him would be - when the hard things happen, you're on your own.

I mean it does sound like it could be as others suggest.

Though,
When you mentioned about the paragraphs about his day during difficult times for you it made me think of narcissist. They can’t handle emotional times for you because they need to be the centre of attention. They want to be your primary focus.

Does he ever have a crisis that needs your attention during times you are having to really focus elsewhere?

He has many crises. I've been there for him verbally and with physical acts of care.

OP I could have written this. You’ll get a “well done” when you do something big but “thank you” after doing tea, or “how are you feeling today? You’ve been down a lot recently” doesn’t happen. No reassurance. No warm tone in the voice. No plans for the future. But telling you about how good their night out is, or how their project is going? Yeah. All of this sounds exactly like what I’ve just gone through. It’s not nice and extremely hurtful and no matter how much you tell them they won’t get it for some reason. They’ll know you’re hurting but now how to fix it. They dont know how to comfort people like we do. It wont change no matter how hard you love them, you wont get that connection you need. If you were gonna get it, you already would be experiencing it and you wouldn’t be posting here.

I can only speak form experience but the times when you need people the most are the times when life is the hardest. We need people to notice us and help pick us up. In my hardest times with my autistic H I cry in the bathroom on my own. There is no point in reaching out because he hasn’t the skills to deal with me. Sometimes he will be so dismissive or insensitive unintentionally that it makes it worse, so you learn to just not bother. It’s rubbish. I try to look at him with understanding but in that moment sometimes I have resentment.

My ex. Wanted a level of support and input to his life that was like having a small child. Did not want to know if it was me having a rough time.

Tbh it was the tip of the iceberg and he has a really low capacity to function outside what interests him.

How long have you been together @DepressedCow ? Has he always been this way, or has it only become noticeable recently? Is he helpful practically, if not emotionally? I'm just wondering if he is more of an acts of service person, rather than a verbal person?

What was it that made you fall in love with him? Trying to get more of a rounded picture as to how your relationship works.

But what I mean is so these crisis coincide with when your attention is on something else important.

So for example, you are studying for an important exam and they suddenly have a crisis that needs you to drop that study and go see them. Or you tell them “I can’t see you on Tuesday becuase I’m meeting a friend for coffee” and they have a crisis on Tuesday that needs you to go see them and cancel with your friend.
That sort of thing. That might imply you are dealing with a narcissist.

That aside though, you say he has has many crisis…but you’ve only been with him a short time. That in itself is a bit worrying. You know you’re not obligated to be with someone and be their support if they are a walking disaster. Especially considering it’s early days. It should all be fun and rainbows early on.

The first past asking about if he's autistic is ridiculous. ND doesn' tmake people unable to offer basic human contact.

He sounds like a selfish arse and I'd be dumpign him immediately.

He has zero interestin your emotional well being.
He is over invested in his own activities and events and expects you to be gripped by them.
He requires emotional support but sees no need to give you any emotional support back.

Why on earth would you want to be with him?

I also agree with @Sodthesystem - I do find it interesting that not only is he unable and unwilling to give you any support, but in the middle of YOUR crisis, suddenly HE needs support?

I bet he often tells you about how he's been screwed over or the victim!? He does sound narcissistic, it has to be said.

Autism? Dh decided to do a home fire work display for the kids 2-3 weeks after my parent died before his time. I could have bloody killed him. Kids were 3 and 6; his reasoning was life is too short etc. After watching from window I went to bed in the end. I now realise he is autistic, and I am likely adhd so hyper sensitive to the emotions of others. Dm also decided to give me a run down on her dm's death (she had been dead for 25 years), and this was my rirst Christmas without df, tney had been divorced for years). I ended up supporting her, some people are just utterly tone deaf.

I guess it doesn't really matter why he is the way he is, the only thing that matters is how it makes you feel - unsupported, unloved and uncared for when you need it the most. That really would not work for me in a relationship. And, from your post it appears it isn't working for you too.

Aw, that is heartbreaking. I hope he is a fantastic partner in every other way!

Solidarity, 110% understand. 💐

He is a great person in every other way. No crisis or anger or anything of that stuff. You can go to him and tell him your feelings but you literally will break his internal system and he will say anything, sometimes totally not what you want. Normally he will ask can he do something like, cut the tree. Which in time of upset is useless.

A cuddle might help more than the poor tree having to give up its ghost!

Mine listens, but very little response, I have learnt to tell him what I "need" from him. I notice as well he'll misread conversation sometimes, and then act like I've said something different. He is very thoughtful, it is just the communication side of things we are actively working on.
I find looking up effective communication techniques with somebody with autism has helped, particularly with him thinking I am getting at him through missing the grey/intent behind things.