I don't really know where to start, but I feel like I'm slowly disappearing in my marriage and I need some honest opinions.
I've been with my husband for years and we have children together. Lately I've reached a point where I feel completely heartbroken, exhausted and lonely.
A few weeks ago he called me a fucking bitch who isn't worth listening to during an argument. I told him how much it hurt me and since then I've repeatedly told him that I feel unsupported, disrespected and unloved. I've cried, I've sent messages, I've asked for a proper conversation. He keeps saying we'll talk but it never really happens.
The thing is, it's not just about one argument.
I feel like this has been going on for years and I'm only now allowing myself to see it.
What matters to me never seems to matter to him.
I had plans for our home years ago and nothing happened. I love history and politics and he has no interest in anything I want to talk about. He ignores me and goes back to his topic. If I work hard on something, the focus is usually on what is wrong with it rather than what I've achieved.
The latest example is a project I've spent months building. Before I got too involved, I asked him if he would support it and make sure the yard were tidied up. We have industry people coming to assess it and potentially promote it, and he's left everything until the last minute. It's not even that I want perfection. It's a working yard but rubbish and bonfire sites aren't appropriate.
I just feel like I'm always carrying the vision and the responsibility.
Another thing that's bothering me is that I contribute massively to our business but don't get paid. I built the brand, run the social media, website, emails, customer communication, pricing, accounts and business side. I genuinely turned it from a backyard business into a respected industry brand. Yet all the money goes through him and I get a small carers allowance for looking after my dad.
I know this sounds arrogant but I'm actually confident in my abilities. I know I'm good at what I do. That's not the issue.
The issue is that I don't feel valued by the person whose opinion should matter most.
I feel like I'm constantly criticised. If dinner is cooked there's something wrong with it. If something goes wrong somehow blame finds its way to me. Recently a windscreen cracked while he was driving and he tried to blame me for doing earlier in the week.
What has really hit me this week is realising that I've spent years explaining my feelings and needs and nothing changes. I don't think I can keep doing that.
I'm starting to think the emotional side of our marriage is over and that I need to step back and treat it as a functional partnership for children, work and practical things. I don't want to keep being broken by the same pattern over and over again.
Am I overreacting or does this sound as unhealthy as it feels? I just feel so lonely and fed up of trying. I havent felt properly seen or heard in years.