Partner still meeting former client for tea and chat, should I confront him?

[6days7nights]

I read my partners phone! He did some financial work for a lady over the past 12 months. The job to my knowledge is done and he was paid. I have found messages in his phone, they still speak and recently have been meeting for a cup of tea and a chat (at her house). A while back he was late home, he said she had called him re a work related issue and he had to fly over there, he was quite vague, from reading the messages HE had asked if she was free for a tea and a chat with no reference to any work being needed. I don’t think anything has happend past the odd messaging abou life and the meet ups. Do I confront him now or do I see what happens, if he would actually go there?

I would be out of the relationship like a shot. No waiting, no confronting, I would just end it. He will put his own spin on things but the fact is he lied to you. I don’t tolerate liars.

Just end it. This is turning you into a person you are not.

you owe him nothing.

'Tea and a chat' could be code for sex for all you know, so it looks innocent if you read his texts.

I wouldn't hang about to see if he can become even more deceitful to be honest.

The trust has gone.

You don’t trust him. Your first sentence is all you need really to split up

This is probably naive of me but a little part of me thinks maybe it is just a friendship (she has good connections in the financing world) and he hasn’t told me as he knows I would be 20 questions about it all and he’s trying to avoid the aggravation.

You are making excuses for him already.

Sorry, but this is walking like a duck, and quacking like a duck too.

Is he a freelancer or contractor?

In my role, I deliberately keep in touch with some people I have privately identified as movers and shakers. I keep these contacts warm in the hope that we'll be useful to each other in future.

I always say the first time someone hears from you, shouldn't be you asking them a favour.

Relationships matter in business.

I know I know how I must sound, we have 2 children together it’s hard to just up and leave. I feel like I need to make sure. I honestly believe nothing physical has happened yet between them given the messages between them. But I do understand that he has massively crossed a line as soon as he lied. It’s all very unexpected we’re not going through a bad patch or anything like that.

He’s hiding it. That’s all you need to know .

the fact that you think he’d turn the blame onto you; 20 questions, nagging etc etc is very telling.

He’s a freelancer, he has said to me before that she’s a good contact and he wants to keep her sweet. But that was when he was working with her.

why not tell me and why lie about meeting her if it’s purely for business gains and keeping her “sweet” I wouldn’t have a problem with that, it’s the lying thats the red flag.

Well I mean you’ve said yourself that you’d grill him over it if he’d told you he was popping round to see her.

I personally think the immediate ‘leave him’ responses are bonkers, given you don’t suspect infidelity this seems like an underlying trust issue in your relationship (him lying, you snooping in his phone) which can be fixed if you’re both open to working on it.

But if you’re resigned to never trusting each other or you believe he’s done something that can’t be undone, I suppose the only option is to call it quits.

Okay, I completely agree lying is bad, but, are you sure he has?

I am saying this because I see people on MN winding women up - they're all the same, it's a script etc. This is your life not theirs.

From your OP it is not obvious he lied (to me). He says, she rang him. Have you looked at his call history? Have you seen his Teams, Zoom or other work channel?

I frequently have work interactions that go like -

Contact stops me in the corridor, or, WhatsApps me or rings me on Teams "cold", about I need advice on / have you seen this vacancy / do you know about such n such

I will chat to them and often agree to follow up later verbally...

Which might look like a text saying should we meet up? Would be good to chat

If anyone just saw that text it would look like I was initiating but it wouldn't be the case.

I have a friend who does this. Drives me crazy!

You think it’s bonkers to remove yourself from a relationship with a liar? Anyone that continues in such a relationship is the bonkers one.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff has said the same thing I was thinking.

Sounds to me like there could be a different channel of communication (eg Checkatrade or equivalent for the industry, Teams, Outlook) where she has messaged him about another bit of work. Then he has followed up on Whatsapp.

I have lots of WhatsApps from contractors that seem really random because the conversation started over a different site.

I would at least talk to him first to establish if he’s still doing ongoing work for her.

Op, he’s a proven liar. If he feels the need to lie he’s not to be trusted. What else is he lying about..? I’d be out of there, seriously.

If you want to confront as opposed to asking him you’ve given your answer. If you jump to cheating either you have a reason or your relationship is done anyway x

I think be careful before you accuse, when the day of the tea and chat comes up, see if he mentions the client, go from there, perhaps as he is freelance he’s hoping to get more work, is that possible? How many times has this happened? alarm bell would go off I’d say tea and chat happens more than a couple times a month as he wouldn’t be getting financial benefit? again depending what he does, is it even relevant to be in her home.

If you’re not having relationship troubles and you don’t think he’s cheating, why did you check his phone?

The lying is what makes it a problem.
Once your partner starts lying about who they're spending time with, its the beginning of the end.

I think there’s a rational conversation that could be had before the LTBs come out in force.

At least give him a chance to explain.

He said I’m in the area do you fancy a cuppa, she said yes I’m free, he said I’ll be there in a bit. There was no reference to anything work related. Then he said when he was late that she had asked him to fly in regarding work ?

Mumsnet says they are always cheating. He did lie but potentially to save the aggro as you said. Just ask him. Not everything needs to be a confrontation.

and ignore those saying ltb before you even talk. 🙄

its already been and gone, from what I can see there’s been 2 meet ups for tea and chats and one attempted meet up but she was in a meeting at the time he suggested but she then calls him for 35 mins straight after saying she can’t meet him ?