New relationship.. consistent and eager but rarely compliments me

[foundmykeys]

So.. we’re together nearly four months and are middle aged. We’re medium distance apart and see each other once per week which suits us both perfectly right now.
We get on so well, he is eager and consistent and very thoughtful. We are very compatible it seems and all is well.
However , he rarely compliments me. I don’t necessarily mean about myselfnphysically but generally . I guess I do and am perhaps used to that in a relationship.

I cannot fault a single thing so far and its early days so far obviously but he hasn’t really said how he feels about me but does talk about the future in terms of months and hypothetically in terms of the long term future eg ‘in the future, if you and I were together , we could do xyz…’
Thebattraction and chemistry is strong and mutual but he’s never once said.. apart from when he had drinks!!!…. That he feels strongly about me , for example.

Am I looking for problems here ???

What kind of compliments are you feeling the lack of? Or do you mean expressing his feelings for you? If the latter, I’d say 4 months in is still pretty early for that.

I think you're still in the early stages - so you see each other once per week - so you've met in person like- 16 times or so??

Some men just dont give compliments often - or easily - it doens't necessarily mena they dont like you - or value you.

My current partner (together 6 years) rarely compliments me on anything - but he shows he cares in other ways like doing things for me - or buying me impulsive treats (think like bars of chocolate - random things for the house he knows i like not expensive things)

My ex husband however complimented me ALL the time - it became meaningless - and he was emotionally coercive.

Its how you feel that matters

I guess you have only really had 15 or so occassions together so a fortnight in real time. Seems like going ok to me. Maybe compliment him more

Maybe he’s just shy given the fact he has to have a few drinks first. I’m sure given time it will come naturally

It's still very early days, especially if you only meet up once per week. Perhaps his 'love language' is thoughts and deeds rather than verbal compliments?

Have you said anything to him about your feelings OP? He might be afraid of scaring you off if he declares deep feelings too quickly.

My DH wasn’t one for giving many compliments - it’s grown later down the line - but he just didn’t come from a family where he’d have ever really heard that in other relationships around him so it’s wasn’t a norm. As PP said - he showed me care in other ways.

If it’s all going well I wouldn’t over think this.

Thanks everyone

Words are cheap. Actions speak louder. He may just have grown up in a home environment in which vocal affection was not modelled. But, in vino veritas.

You are being a little bit intense for such a short relationship. Enjoy yourself and sed where it goes.

My ex husband however complimented me ALL the time - it became meaningless - and he was emotionally coercive

This is quite an interesting point I think. I am in a fairly similar situation (though we've been seeing each other about 2.5 months, also once a week). One thing I have realized is that I'm quite used to being love bombed - in all of my recent relationships they've been extremely vocal early on, to the point of pretty much pronouncing me the one within the first month!. Of course it then blows up in my face and they tend to turn out to be manipulative/controlling/emotionally coercive. My new guy is not doing this, it's absolutely lovely and I know he likes me but the lack of love bombing does feel weird sometimes!

Apologies if I'm projecting OP, but could something like this be going on for you?

What sort of compliments are you after? You are so smart? That is a lovely pair of shoes? This muffin is delicious? I think that all sounds quite cringey and would probably scare most women off. My guess is he is trying not to be over the top and come across as manipulative or fake. If he’s otherwise lovely and kind and dependable, the proof should be in the pudding.

I can’t remember dh paying me many compliments when we were dating, but if he said he’d meet me at 7pm, he was there at 6:55. If he said he’d come help me with something, he never cancelled or pushed it off for another day because a better offer came up. If his care is clear in his actions, it sounds like you have a winner. I wouldn’t care what he thought about my hair cut.

This.

another way to think about it is that he is not expressing judgement on you, what you do and how you look.

do long as his actions are good and true the absence of expressed judgement is a good thing in my book.

I would be more interested in how he treated me than compliments (which are very easy to dish out).

I once had a friend who was a total womaniser and he used to tell everyone how beautiful they were. Once I was sat next to him and he picked up the phone and said to the girl on the end of the phone (not a video call) how beautiful she looked today. It tripped off his tongue so easily it didn't even occur to him that he couldn't see her. I appreciate that's an extreme example but it always makes me laugh when I think about it.

This may be controversial to some but I do find that this can be generational BUT some people just don't give compliments and it's not that they don't think it, they just don't express it out loud.

OP, he sounds lovely though - "consistent and eager" as your post title states!

Better than flakey and secretive any day of the week!

Actions speak louder than words.

....and back to work I go!

He has never said.. I really like you or I’m beginning to fall for you or anything to that effect. Am I being absolutely ridiculous here ?!! I’m out of this game so long 😂

So do you mean he doesn't talk about how much he likes you?

That's a shame if it's leaving you not knowing.

I thought you meant like compliments on your appearance etc

He’s said … he finds me intriguing , loves my smile, loves my style and the way I carry myself . Oh and about my parenting my challenging kids. Just never that he actually really likes me romantically

Sorry OP but I think you're being a bit picky here. He says nice things to you and he is keen to keep seeing you. Presumably you are having a physical relationship? He obviously likes you!

So I am 18 months into the most lovely relationship with a guy who sounds very similar.

Eventually I did have to push him and say it's making me feel a bit insecure you're not telling me that you love me and he said he was really sorry he did love me and he was sorry he hadn't said it before but it wasn't something that he ever really said a lot but he hoped that I could feel his love towards me in all his actions which to be fair I could.

I think it's probably been the nicest most stress free and grounded relationship I've ever had.

I actually tease him now about his lack of compliments towards me. I think the other day he told me I was really hot, he meant because the weather was so hot 🔥 🥵 I was physically hot 😄 so I ran with it. I said I'm taking that.... 😉

I actually get it op, it just feels a bit off when there’s nothing in the ways of compliments. I definitely don’t want a love bomber as it would feel fake af but there’s something that feels… rude I suppose, or low effort when they can’t say anything nice.

I mean, it’s just polite when a woman makes an effort to dress nice to see you that you say “You look lovely today” or at least compliment something.

I dated a guy for three dates and compliments were so noticeably missing that it was making me feel uncomfortable, like I worried maybe I wasn’t making enough effort or something. I mean I’m not very high maintenance to be fair. A lick of mascara and a skirt you know… but I think now I’m getting older I worried that maybe that was why.

And then he finally did compliment me by telling me I, get this, had lovely clean finger nails. Umm…gee, thanks. I didn’t go on a fourth date.

So for me it is a fairly big thing I’m cautious of now. And I’m not saying he would have been bad in other ways. But I think a partner should want to make us feel appreciated and assured they like us and part of that is the odd compliment. Even if it is just politeness. And also considering it’s a social norm, you do have to ask yourself, what other social politenesses will they ignore. And, why?

Oh, well that’s slightly different. So he is complimenting you.

He just isn’t telling you he has feelings for you. I mean, it is only four months in…what feeling should he have? Beyond enjoying your company, fancying you and liking you as a person that is. And he seems to have that covered.

Unless the issue is he isn’t making you feel sexually desired.

Is he physically affectionate besides intimacy? Does he lovingly touch your hair? Be the first to hold your hand? Cuddles with you on the couch?

He might be the type who likes to be sure he's in love before saying it. At four months in, it's still the honeymoon stage. If you're unsure if he just likes having a companion but it doesn't seem to be progressing to something more serious, I'd give it a few more months. By six months, I know I'd be ready to hear "I love you." If it were me and I felt love, I might say it first and see what his response was. If a guy didn't feel love growing for me, even if it was the beginning stages by a half year of being with me, I'm not sure I'd want to continue. Because to me, that'd signal some barrier that'd be too risky for my heart.

For now, since things are going well, I'd continue with a wait-and-see attitude. Keep us in the loop!

Yes he does all of those things!

My other half doesn’t really know how to give compliments. He’s very blunt and flat mostly, says I “look great” when I want to hear “pretty”, but is very supportive in other ways. Some of them are just crap with it and don’t know what to say! It upsets me too but just because it’s not said how I want it to be said, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me to bits or think I look nice but doesn’t know how to say it, if that makes sense.

Those are compliments!

I'm not good at giving compliments, or receiving them to be honest. I'm confident in myself and don't really need them, but I just feel very awkward when someone tells me I'm beautiful or hot - I feel as if they're trying to manipulate me. Yes, there are childhood reasons for that, yes, my therapist knows.

Luckily DP is also not good at giving or receiving compliments so there's high compatibility there.

I trust someone's actions in a way I never trust their words.