Husband’s constant touching and comments are putting me off intimacy and making me feel resentful

redfishcat · 31/05/2026 18:28

Well, tell him he is a sex pest and his abuse of you is not legal. He sounds awful.

researchers3 · 31/05/2026 18:28

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:25

Hi all, please help!!!

Is there something wrong with me or is what I feel valid?

So my DH who i have been with for 16 years is great and I love him dearly but he is irritating the hell out of me to the point I don't even want to think about been intimate let alone be intimate with him!

I have some sensory issues and do not like been touched much, he knows this and tries to kiss me or hug me or feel me anytime he can or when we pass each other in the house, it really irritates me if im in the middle of doing a task or just busy and having to break of what im doing to passify him or sometimes I just want to be left alone, he can see the irritation it causes me and then jokingly tells me im being mean for not wanting to hug or kiss! While this is frustrating its not the worst of it for me, he is constantly telling me how beautiful or gorgeous my body parts are while trying to cop a feel as if to emphasize his words and the worst time he does this is when we are being intimate and he will sit back and look at me like he is viewing a top side of beef in the butchers and tell me how beautiful my a*e or fa*y is, I don't think I can put in to words how much of a turn off this is and how much I cringe and dry up quicker than a puddle in the desert! I have now got to the point where I am becoming avoident of him and situations I am not happy with, obviously this is not good for the relationship and my sex drive has plummeted to none existent, he is now doubling down like a horny teenager trying to give me constant affection and compliments which has made everything 10 times worse as all I do now is snap at him whenever he comes near me as I just feel like hes doing it just to get intimate with me. I also have some pain related health conditions which he knows about but still it feels like his only objective is to get me in to bed (it might not be but my mind thinks that way now) it now feels like a chore and if he's gone more than a week without intamicy then he sulks with me and i feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this with him without making him feel rejected and hurting his feelings as he is genuinely a great guy!

Any advice welcome please x

Well he's not a genuinely great guy is he. He's a sex pest making you feel uncomfortable and anxious/on edge in your own home.

Have you actually spelled out to him what you've said here? If not, why not?

researchers3 · 31/05/2026 18:29

And no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:32

redfishcat · 31/05/2026 18:28

Well, tell him he is a sex pest and his abuse of you is not legal. He sounds awful.

That's the problem, he is genuinely not an awful person and would give me anything and everything, its like he lives to make me happy, he thinks he is being nice and affectionate with his behaviour and just does not understand he is doing the complete opposite to me. Its so frustrating 😫

OP posts:

followtheswallow · 31/05/2026 18:34

My DH is the same, @Thatneedyduck ; awful isn’t it? I feel like screaming ‘get the fuck off me!’

Dery · 31/05/2026 18:34

He may have many good qualities but i think most of us would find this kind of performance a bit gross and a huge turn off. I would hate to be groped very time DH walked past. It’s a real shame he’s doubling down. Does he understand it’s a massive turn off and completely counterproductive?

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:34

researchers3 · 31/05/2026 18:28

Well he's not a genuinely great guy is he. He's a sex pest making you feel uncomfortable and anxious/on edge in your own home.

Have you actually spelled out to him what you've said here? If not, why not?

Show quote history

Yeah i can see that from what i have wrote it does look that way but this aside i cant fault him, we have had chats quite a few times but never about the compliment side of things, that is the next conversation to have and im just looking for some advice on how to start said conversation with hurting him x

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:35

Yeah i can see that from what i have wrote it does look that way but this aside i cant fault him, we have had chats quite a few times but never about the compliment side of things, that is the next conversation to have and im just looking for some advice on how to start said conversation with hurting him x

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Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:36

Dery · 31/05/2026 18:34

He may have many good qualities but i think most of us would find this kind of performance a bit gross and a huge turn off. I would hate to be groped very time DH walked past. It’s a real shame he’s doubling down. Does he understand it’s a massive turn off and completely counterproductive?

I dont think he does and thats the next talk we need to have, just struggling with finding a starting point with it x

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TTCafterloss14 · 31/05/2026 18:36

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:32

That's the problem, he is genuinely not an awful person and would give me anything and everything, its like he lives to make me happy, he thinks he is being nice and affectionate with his behaviour and just does not understand he is doing the complete opposite to me. Its so frustrating 😫

Show quote history

Hi! Can I ask, how old are you both and has he always been this way? I have sensory issues too and hate being touched, so I can fully relate! I hope you are ok x

category12 · 31/05/2026 18:37

You have to accept that it's going to feel like rejection and be a hurtful and difficult conversation if he's genuinely a good guy, but that it needs to be said, otherwise you'll get the ick completely and it'll end up breaking you.

There is no non-hurtful way of saying it, but you do need to reset boundaries. Uncomfortable conversations need to be had sometimes.

Sit him down and tell him straight to stop touching you and talking this way, that it's putting you off him. Tell him to let you initiate things.

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:37

followtheswallow · 31/05/2026 18:34

My DH is the same, @Thatneedyduck ; awful isn’t it? I feel like screaming ‘get the fuck off me!’

Exactly this! I just wish he could understand that if he knocks this behaviour off I would be more inclined to want to be intimate without it feeling pushed upon me and me constantly rejecting him!

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UpDownAllAround1 · 31/05/2026 18:39

You need an adult to adult conversation telling him
how what he does makes you feel. If he sulks, then you need to decide if he is the good guy for you

Crikeyalmighty · 31/05/2026 18:40

I ended up divorced from my first marriage because of this -I just totally went off him - the trigger for me totally going off him and this was way back inn1990 was when he started putting porn on because he thought I needed ‘warming up’ - hex wasn’t a bad guy at all, good looking, hard worker but just didn’t seem to get that touching up and dirty talk really wasn’t for me - I think you need to be really upfront and admit you hate it and don’t want/need it- there isn’t an easy way into it and I realise now I never was really right to the point ( Late 20s) - now in my 70s I would just say ‘we need a chat’

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:40

category12 · 31/05/2026 18:37

You have to accept that it's going to feel like rejection and be a hurtful and difficult conversation if he's genuinely a good guy, but that it needs to be said, otherwise you'll get the ick completely and it'll end up breaking you.

There is no non-hurtful way of saying it, but you do need to reset boundaries. Uncomfortable conversations need to be had sometimes.

Sit him down and tell him straight to stop touching you and talking this way, that it's putting you off him. Tell him to let you initiate things.

Yep Ive reached ick stage already, it doesn't help that last year I started with perimenopause and I feel like that is whats changed me and now I need to change him if that makes sense x

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:44

TTCafterloss14 · 31/05/2026 18:36

Hi! Can I ask, how old are you both and has he always been this way? I have sensory issues too and hate being touched, so I can fully relate! I hope you are ok x

Show quote history

Im 42 and he is 53, yes he has always being this way, his love language is touch, mine isnt and never has being, but I started perimenopause last year and things have changed for me since then, that's why im wondering if its me thats changed as we were fine before, but obviously I need to speak with him about how it makes me feel now.

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MegMortimer · 31/05/2026 18:45

My ex was a sex pest like that - always grabbing, rubbing himself against me etc. He wasn't a very nice man in general but his assaulting me was yet another vile thing he did all the time. if your DH is so nice, than it shouldn't be a problem to discuss his behaviour with him. I think he already knows exactly what he's doing, he's asserting 'ownership' of you which is not at all nice.

Original poster

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:45

Crikeyalmighty · 31/05/2026 18:40

I ended up divorced from my first marriage because of this -I just totally went off him - the trigger for me totally going off him and this was way back inn1990 was when he started putting porn on because he thought I needed ‘warming up’ - hex wasn’t a bad guy at all, good looking, hard worker but just didn’t seem to get that touching up and dirty talk really wasn’t for me - I think you need to be really upfront and admit you hate it and don’t want/need it- there isn’t an easy way into it and I realise now I never was really right to the point ( Late 20s) - now in my 70s I would just say ‘we need a chat’

Edited

Yeah i think big girl pants are needed and a talk is in order x

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Endofyear · 31/05/2026 18:47

You need to tell him straight out that his grabbing/groping you is completely unacceptable and he must stop doing it - you're not a piece of meat available to him at all times, you are a human being with autonomy over your own body. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings and tell him calmly and firmly that his behaviour is off putting and is making you not want to be intimate with him at all. Tell him specifically what things he does and says that you don't like. Be clear and concise - 'I don't like it when you ..... it makes me feel uncomfortable and not want to be near you'. If he is the decent lovely guy you say he is, he will take it on board and stop the behaviours. If he continues to do it even after you have told him to stop and why, then you have a sex pest for a husband and you need to leave.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/05/2026 18:47

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:44

Im 42 and he is 53, yes he has always being this way, his love language is touch, mine isnt and never has being, but I started perimenopause last year and things have changed for me since then, that's why im wondering if its me thats changed as we were fine before, but obviously I need to speak with him about how it makes me feel now.

Show quote history

Following on from my previous post, in my second marriage I just went off sex a lot ( or touch) in my mid to late 40s- I’m now 64 - this time I was right to the point -on reflection I don’t think I was ever a really touchy feely person- I kind of went along with it when I initially wanted the relationship -

RS1987 · 31/05/2026 18:48

Wait until a good day, when you’re both in a good mood. Say you need to talk to him about something that’s been a bit on your mind. Tell him straight. Sandwich it with I love you and appreciate you don’t mean it to come across this way but…
You need to tell him, he doesn’t realise when he’s going wrong.
FWIW I would find that so annoying too.
Good luck!

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 31/05/2026 18:49

Being a great husband a lot of the time doesn’t buy him rights to your body. He’s currently using your body as if it belongs to him- playing with it, manhandling it, when he wants to regardless of whether you want to.
That’s not ok.
If he doesn’t realise what he’s doing, he will be pleased when you explain it.

“DH, I know you’re a great guy so some of your behaviour really surprises me. I really dislike you touching and grabbing at me, without checking how I feel. it feels as though you think you are more in charge of my body than me, and it’s a real turn off. I’m not a body for you to talk about and touch as though I’m not there, or whether or not I like it.
I’m telling you now, because I want us to be happy and intimate for the rest of our lives and I want to make sure we don’t lose that.
I’m a person who has a body. I want you to talk to me, not about my various body parts!
Can we try and do things differently, because it’s really upsetting me and putting me right off sex!

Rhaidimiddim · 31/05/2026 18:50

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:25

Hi all, please help!!!

Is there something wrong with me or is what I feel valid?

So my DH who i have been with for 16 years is great and I love him dearly but he is irritating the hell out of me to the point I don't even want to think about been intimate let alone be intimate with him!

I have some sensory issues and do not like been touched much, he knows this and tries to kiss me or hug me or feel me anytime he can or when we pass each other in the house, it really irritates me if im in the middle of doing a task or just busy and having to break of what im doing to passify him or sometimes I just want to be left alone, he can see the irritation it causes me and then jokingly tells me im being mean for not wanting to hug or kiss! While this is frustrating its not the worst of it for me, he is constantly telling me how beautiful or gorgeous my body parts are while trying to cop a feel as if to emphasize his words and the worst time he does this is when we are being intimate and he will sit back and look at me like he is viewing a top side of beef in the butchers and tell me how beautiful my a*e or fa*y is, I don't think I can put in to words how much of a turn off this is and how much I cringe and dry up quicker than a puddle in the desert! I have now got to the point where I am becoming avoident of him and situations I am not happy with, obviously this is not good for the relationship and my sex drive has plummeted to none existent, he is now doubling down like a horny teenager trying to give me constant affection and compliments which has made everything 10 times worse as all I do now is snap at him whenever he comes near me as I just feel like hes doing it just to get intimate with me. I also have some pain related health conditions which he knows about but still it feels like his only objective is to get me in to bed (it might not be but my mind thinks that way now) it now feels like a chore and if he's gone more than a week without intamicy then he sulks with me and i feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this with him without making him feel rejected and hurting his feelings as he is genuinely a great guy!

Any advice welcome please x

Just reiterating what others have said - he is a sex pest.

ChalkOutlines · 31/05/2026 18:55

Thatneedyduck · 31/05/2026 18:44

Im 42 and he is 53, yes he has always being this way, his love language is touch, mine isnt and never has being, but I started perimenopause last year and things have changed for me since then, that's why im wondering if its me thats changed as we were fine before, but obviously I need to speak with him about how it makes me feel now.

Show quote history

I changed after I gave birth(still not back to how I was) and a lot of things that were ok or even enjoyed , actively participated in became a turn off. It became a vicious circle where DH would do what he always did or thought I liked and it was just wrong and actually a turn off. We talked and I explained I don’t actually like x, y , z anymore, that a,b,c actually makes me shudder. It’s not him, something changed , no idea what or why . He took that on board and changed things up. We discovered that a back scratch /massage would turn me on(or relax me so much I fell asleep). He was happy with either outcome, so it helped with feeling relaxed and letting go. We found a different rhythm.

WillyieBanjo · 31/05/2026 18:55

He just needs to be told. I had this with my partner. We'd always been a certain way, and I hadn't really got with the program post-children that things for her had changed. She tried subtle hints, but they didn't land, got told and was gutted and a bit sad that I'd caused her to feel that way in the first place.

As PP has said, if he's a decent guy, then he'll suck it up and change. What I would add is if you're going to put your big girl pants on and tell him, why not take the opportunity to tell him exactly what you do want?

Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity was a good recommendation I got from MN