How to cope with 'takers'

[BruachAbhann]

Just a quick rant and hoping for some solidarity from those who understand!

People- what a bunch of bastards!

How do you cope with school mothers who constantly take take take when it comes to playdates, sleepovers etc and have no consideration at all for anyone other than their own kids. Some people are so selfish and can literally not see things from other perspectives.

I know this is kind of a rhetorical question as I don't want to give any information about the particular situation as it's too outing but I'm so frustrated with the lack of reciprocity and the general disdainful 'takey' attitude of some people.

My buttons were pushed after years of the same issue with one mother, she just went too far today and I couldn't not say something. Of course, if someone else had done it, it probably wouldn't have bothered me as much but I was primed to be annoyed at her about this issue. My defences were low. Now she will hold it against me and probably bitch about me to all. So tired of it all after 17 years of parenting seeing this type of character and 4 years of this behaviour from the mother.

Oh god. It's so tedious.

I'm sorry you feel like this. I always find it useful to remember that you cannot control other people. So you either stop giving or give and give freely in that you don't expect anything in return.

It’s unclear what you mean by take take take when it comes to sleepovers and play dates.

My kids have friends over for sleepovers and play dates; some of their friends’ parents don’t do that but I don’t really expect them to because it’s no real hassle to let my kids have friends over. They're not really taking anything from me. Or it that your kids are upset at not being invited over?

Thanks. Yes, you're right. I don't really expect much though, just basic kindness and consideration and not to be mistreated. It's just one person so I suppose I should just leave her to act whatever way she wants and not have much to do with her.

They can’t take what you won’t give. Decide on your boundaries.

Can you give examples?

I know how you feel - just a little reciprocation would go a long way.
My DC was friends wth another child, they went everywhere together, cubs, scouts, youth club, sports, play dates, cinema etc and .we live rurally with no public transport. I did all the lifts for both of them, not once did she offer any contribution to fuel costs or do a trip herself. Every single time there was an excuse - not enough room in her car, was elsewhere, working, had an appointment etc etc. Not even a bunch of flowers or a coffee to say thank you.
I did it because our children were such good friends but it did grate on me.

This. I hosted playdates and sleepovers because DS liked having his friends around, and I was able to work flexibly enough to do it. Not all his friends’ parents reciprocated, and that was fine. It wasn’t a quid pro quo situation. I also agree with @Ipsevenenabibas — the only behaviour you can ultimately control is your own. There can’t be a CF ‘taker’ without a someone to enable them.

I mean that I have felt taken advantage of in the past. There is no reciprocal playdates etc but I wasn't too bothered about it but today the mother crossed a line. I think I have a different expectation to her on what is a decent way to treat someone. My kid is also upset that he doesn't get invited back to his friend's house and others do. I've rationalised this in my mind as the mother has her set friends and invites over their kids and I get that. I think I need to work on finding other friendships for him though as I don't think it's a healthy friendship. Thanks for your help. It's helped me to write it down.

Posted too soon - I would like to say that you cope by being assertive, setting boundaries and communicating these but it’s very difficult when the children get on so well and you don’t want to upset the applecart

I agree. Thanks. That's what I did today. I said I didn't think something she did to my son was fair. (Sorry I can't say what as she might read this). It was one step too far.

Thanks for your advice, yeah, it is difficult. Supporting the friendship is one-sided on my part but the kids both want to meet up. The mother is not interested.

This isn’t a them problem. It’s a you problem. Stop giving if you don’t want to. It’s no one else’s responsibility to manage your boundaries for you if you refuse to do it for yourself.

But also you may want to reframe what you see as ‘taking’. It isn’t a reciprocal arrangement. It’s supporting your dc’s social lives and friendships. In the past 2 years, I have hosted almost no play dates or sleepovers. I have advanced cancer. I may not live to see my dc grow up. I don’t have energy for play dates or sleepovers. Dh is now the sole breadwinner because I can’t work. He doesn’t have time for them either.

I am incredibly grateful for all the parents who have continued to host my dc. Have them for sleepovers. Take them to the beach and the cinema and shopping trips (obviously I pay for my dc to do all those things). They do this even though I can’t reciprocate. It’s lovely. No one (I bloody well hope not!) has called me a taker. It’s not a business arrangement. It’s wonderful our dc have such fantastic people in their lives.

I agree with @mindutopia it's not always a reciprocal arrangement and tbh, I've never even thought of it like that.

If my child wanted to invite a friend over, we'd just do that without any expectation of anything in return. There are tons of reasons why other parents might not want to host kids anyway.

OP's thread title suggested multiple 'takers' but in fact it's just one person that she's annoyed with.

Yeah, it's just one person and I'm not bothered about doing playdates and not getting invites back if the person just isn't into doing playdates or has other reasons it's not possible. I'll happily have playdates as my son loves them. But it's only my son she doesn't ask back. And yet, they both enjoy each other's company. My son has lots of other friends who do ask him for playdates and there's nothing anti-social about him.

Yesterday she crossed a line though and did something quite mean to my son and had no idea where I was coming from when I said it wasn't fair. I've realised she's very self-absorbed.

I know it's not a 'me-problem'. I've thought about it a lot and I'm happy that I stood up for my son and put boundaries in place. Sorry I can't give more details. I know it's very hard to comment when you don't have the full context.

The issue isn't really about playdates but that backstory contributed to me reacting slightly stronger than I would have done yesterday had it been someone who generally showed some consideration for other people. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. She showed complete disregard for my son's feelings and it was eye-opening on how oblivious and almost incapable she was at seeing things from another person's perspective.

I think what I have to do now is not dwell on it, know that my judgement is sound and move on.

With takers I take a step back and reciprocate in kind.

Playdates are a bit different. The ones who don't want to invite anyone round probably live in shit-holes - it's more common than you'd think. If my child wants someone round to play I generally let them.

OK, but that’s a completely different situation to what you suggested in your first post, where you ranted about ‘takers’ and ‘school mothers who take take take’ and don’t reciprocate play dates and sleepovers and said ‘people are bastards’. Now you say it’s not about playdates. One individual adult said or did something thoughtless or unkind to your child.

If you can't give an actual example of what she's done that seemed so bad to you then posters can't really say if it's you or if it's her. You seem to think that you stepped up and did the right thing, so why are you stressing about it now?

Is it going to cause problems moving forward, are the children still friends?

I know, I was referring to one mother but I have seen this type of mother before with my other kids too.
Sorry, I did make it clear I was having a rant in my first sentence! 'People, what a bunch of bastards' is a quote from The IT crowd, which I use in life a jokey way but maybe that's a niche quote and might have come across as more aggressive than I intended it.

Yeah, I know. I don't think there's anything more to be said about it here but I appreciate people taking the time to reply. I'm moving on.

I don't think it will cause problems but who knows. Yes, they're still good friends. The interaction was between me and the mother and the kids were unaware. I had to stand up for my child anyway so ultimately whatever happens will be for the best.

Thanks for your help.

When parents are super late to collect their child there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it though?

Yes I offer solidarity. Children being dropped over early in the morning for us to take, being asked to collect them bring them home, being called to ask if their child can also have a play date- changed the whole dynamic plus everything is louder!

It’s hard to judge without knowing what the mother has done. If she doesn’t have your son for a play date to reciprocate that’s ok. By your response to her though she must of done something far worse than not host your son but again without knowing what it’s hard to say if she’s unreasonable

You sound very transactional, OP. Life isn’t like that in reality. Though I do consider others and fairness etc, it’s not an expectation

So just say ‘No, that doesn’t work for us’? No one can be a CF unless there’s a wet lettuce enabling them.

Hi OP, not sure why you’re getting some of the replies you are. It sounds like you handled it. You accepted the behaviour to a point, it went too far and you stepped in. I think in real life that’s what most people do. Well done for advocating for your child.

A pp suggested treating takers like they treat you. I find that works but I’ll tell them in a bright and breezy way to make it clear as some people genuinely have no idea about social norms or reciprocity.