Feeling very vulnerable and needing some kindness about my relationship

[Seriphiacandytotz]

Don't know where to start apologies if not clear or to long. Sometimes I don't know which way is up. Have since a child had depression plus anxiety am late 50s now. Been with Dp 18yrs no kids together but 2 grown up each from previous r.ships.
He has always been difficult and a bit moody. I've learnt to sweep it under the carpet, pretend it's not happening etc to cope..ignore it wait till it blows over, we have split 2 times before had counselling thi gs improved but go back to way before We've just arrived on holiday with my family and had a enormous argument after plane delays stress from travelling. Overwhelmed and stressed as not speaking to each other. Very awkward. I told him he's ruining holiday not the first time as he doesn't like going away. So upset as needed this break desperately and he knew this. Daughter wants us all to go out for the day he's now moody as doesn't want to go. Exhausting. My question is do all men do this.make things difficult. So tired of it all and again crying my heart out.

Very little affection from his side, sometimes he doesn't even bother saying morni g or goodnight to me. Feel like although he's here in person he's not here if that makes sense. Never really wants to do anything unless it's on his terms. Has to be done very early as hates ppl and crowds.its all so difficult im drowning

Gently he is adding nothing to your life
there’s a reason you’ve split twice before
and no not all men are like this
and if my DH did similar he’d be pulled up on it
it’s so rude to ignore the person you live with - it’s borderline abusive
id be leaving him - you’re not married and no kids together - split and go and spread your wings
youll be so much happier

I don't know what you're looking for in terms of kindness but this is not a good relationship and I wouldn't want to be in it.

No, not all men are like this. I'm also in my 50s.

I'd forget about trying to include him in things, just get on with enjoying your holiday and go out with your daughter without him.

Go out without him today.Carry on as normal.
Let him sulk.
You have your family there to lighten the mood.
You don t have to explain yourself to them.
They likely know what he s like.
Go and enjoy yourself.
It s a better alternative to allowing him to ruin your holiday.
Just a thought though.
If he s regularly moody and you react to it ; with your behaviour ,perhaps trying to pacify? or arguing? or becoming sulky yourself?
Your encouraging his behaviour by reacting to his,allowing it to affect how you behave.Rise above it.
Treat him the way you would a child ,ignore it.
He ll soon learn he s not getting a reaction from you, whatever that reaction is.
If this is affecting the relationship long term( the huffy moods I mean), wait till holiday over.
Pick an appropriate time and try to discuss it adult to adult.
Let him know how it s making you feel long term.

OP, I think if you didn't have to cope with him you'd be happier.

The only person you have any control over in this situation is you. He doesn’t want to be there so get yourself together and sort out the trip with your daughter. You do not all need to be traipsing around in a big group and im
sure he can entertain himself while you’re
out. You don’t sound very compatible but what happens after the holiday can be put on the back burner for now. Just concentrate on enjoying the pace that you’re in and making the most of it.

edited for typos

Thank you for your replies. When I say im vulnerable at time's ive felt suicidal over this r.ship. He's been a great step dad to my kids it's just me he seems to have a problem with i can never do anything right it seems when he's in a particular critical mood. We can go for months all ok then the cycle repeats itself. I question it all 24.7

Treading on eggshells as not to upset him it's got better over the years but lately got worse again

I honestly think that those of us who struggle with life, including those like yourself with depression and anxiety OP, put up with much worse treatment in a relationship. End up with unsatisfactory partners. Because we are just grateful to have someone we see as " putting up with " how we are. And we do end up with the type of person who senses the vulnerability in us and takes it as a green light not to treat us decently.

This man is behaving abusively towards you. You would be much better off without him in your life. Your anxiety and your mental health will improve without him dragging you down. You are worth so much more than this unhappy relationship OP.

Enjoy your holiday with your daughter and start the separation process when you get home OP.

18 years is a long time and naturally you’ll feel sad and unsettled for a while, but imagine how much lighter your life will feel as you go into your sixties without a self-centred and sulky man.

He doesn’t seem to be happy either tbh. Bite the bullet for both your sakes.

I think you are in a classic abuse cycle. Not all men are like this, although a lot are as they think they are the most important person in the house. No one should have to adapt themselves to accommodate a moody man.
If you can leave I think your nervous system will thank you for it.

This is it. He says im difficult im not perfect but I do struggle and have my entire life but im kind and have empathy he's a strong willed man and kind of dominates me

I was thinking holidsys can be stressful all the prep then travel, delays etc .
But this sounds awful for you. I feel for you.
At the end of the day if the realationship is affecting you that badly, you maybe should consider leaving for good?.??
It might be daunting being single in your 50s.
But you ve obviously got a good relationship with your daughter if you ve planned a holiday together.Despite him being a good stepfather to your kids, they would 100% support you no matter your reasons for leaving him.
You have a lot to think about,do you share a house together??Joint tenancy or mortgage??
Something is making you go back as you ve split before.( twice).
Take some time to chill on the holiday; have a good think to yourself.Maybe confide in your daughter; but you don t want to upset her or spoil her holiday.
Don t discuss it with your partner till your home.
Then a good honest heart to heart to sort out what the future holds .
Sending support.

Read8ng this new,I think he s a bit of a narcissist.
A bully, trying to make you feel low.
Does he behave like 5his in front of your daughter??
She ll know you re unhappy,she ll likely be worried about you.
Send8ng support.

Just leave, lifes to short to be unhappy.

My elderly father knows and is distressed and upset. He can be very good in a lot of ways but it's his way or the high way so I often have to give in so to speak to keep things all ok

Gently, OP, why did you return to this man? He’s not good for you. Do you really want to be in this position in 5 / 10 / 20 years time? 💐

You don’t need to be with someone who makes you unhappy. Not ever.

If the relationship has made you feel like ending your life, even once, that is 100% a relationship you should not be in. If you don’t feel strong enough to leave, can you get some counselling to help you through it? Your family might be more aware of how bad your relationship is and just waiting for one word from you to give you all the support you need.

For now, leave him to his ridiculous and rude sulking and enjoy your holiday with your family.

Or... you could leave him.and not be thinking about it 24/7 or suicidal and actually be happy..?

What is actually stopping you from leaving him?

Because I'm aware that people just saying leave him isn't always that helpful when your mind floods with a million reasons why you can't!

We have split up twice before and he left my home which I own, but we talked things through had couples counselling and things Improved but any times now stress he reverts back, and im on the receiving end. It's not easy to leave when you're the type of person who questions everything you do in life.

You might notice the depression and anxiety disappear once you have left him and are settled and independent. There’s nothing to lose, being without him will be better than being with him.

Why are you in this relationship? It’s doesn’t suit either of you. What made you go back to it, twice?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Reading your posts, I can feel how exhausted and alone you are right now.

No, not all men are like this. The way he shuts down, ignores you, and makes everything “his way or the high way” isn’t just “being moody” - that’s emotional neglect. And treading on eggshells 24/7 just to keep the peace is exhausting, especially when you’re already dealing with depression and anxiety.

You’ve split twice before for a reason. The cycle you described - months of calm, then stress hits and he reverts back - is really common in controlling relationships. Couples counselling can’t fix it if only one person is willing to change.

I hear you saying he’s been a great stepdad. That makes leaving harder, but you deserve kindness too. Not just being tolerated. You deserve someone who says good morning, who considers your needs on holiday, who doesn’t make you feel like you’re drowning.

Please be gentle with yourself. The suicidal thoughts you mentioned are a sign of how much pain you’re in, not a sign that you’re failing. If you feel unsafe, please reach out to Samaritans on 116 123, 24/7 in the UK, or talk to your GP. You’ve carried this for 18 years. You don’t have to keep carrying it alone.

Sending you strength. You’re not “difficult” for having needs. You’re human ♥️