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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I never asked out despite wanting a relationship?

30 replies

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 03:29

I've only been in one long term relationship, which ended three years ago. I know I'm ready for one again and what I want and have good standards. I never get guys come up and chat to me or ask me out though. I have an amazing social life and am out with friends meeting people all the time. I'm a positive person and always happy around people but I'm never asked on a date. I've tried online dating. It's not for me. I found it to be full of users and scammers

OP posts:
FruitFlyPie · 29/05/2026 04:56

I'm not sure thats a realistic expectation is it? Men just coming up and chatting and asking you out? I'm 40 and that's never happened. If you want to meet someone, chat to them or ask them out, but really online dating is the only way.

moderate · 29/05/2026 06:13

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 03:29

I've only been in one long term relationship, which ended three years ago. I know I'm ready for one again and what I want and have good standards. I never get guys come up and chat to me or ask me out though. I have an amazing social life and am out with friends meeting people all the time. I'm a positive person and always happy around people but I'm never asked on a date. I've tried online dating. It's not for me. I found it to be full of users and scammers

How many guys have you asked out on a date?

HoppingPavlova · 29/05/2026 06:19

Yes, I don’t know men will just wander up to you in public and ask you out. They will fear you are married/partnered or that them approaching you will be viewed as harassment in this day and age. It really has to be someone within your own social scene or online.

Or, are you saying that these men are in your social scene as friends of friends who know you are single and that you are open to being approached?

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 06:41

I have a massive social circle and am out almost all the time. I have guy friends within that circle as well as girls. I see one of my girl friends constantly get guys attention. Not from guys in the circle but guys we don't know. I got some guys attention when I was wearing a lovely dress out on a girls night a few months back

I've dipped in and out of online dating the past couple of years. I find it exhausting. I start conversations. We get chatting. They either send inappropriate pictures or ghost me.

OP posts:
Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 06:42

I have a massive social circle and am out almost all the time. I have guy friends within that circle as well as girls. I see one of my girl friends constantly get guys attention. Not from guys in the circle but guys we don't know. I got some guys attention when I was wearing a lovely dress out on a girls night a few months back

I've dipped in and out of online dating the past couple of years. I find it exhausting. I start conversations. We get chatting. They either send inappropriate pictures or ghost me.

OP posts:
Discardedbutnotlost8 · 29/05/2026 06:50

I’m not sure I agree that on-Line dating is the only way! But I am old so what do I know? My DDs tell me that it’s full of men prepared to string women along for sex. They say they are looking for relationships but most of them aren’t. If you do try on-line dating Op then I would be absolutely clear that you want a relationship.

Have you tried an old fashioned dating agency? It might be worth the investment?

Are you meeting the same people every time you go out Op? Statistically, I think one of the most important factors in meeting someone and forming a friendship or a relationship is repeated proximity.

So join a choir or a stone wall repair group or a walking group or just go to the same pub every Sunday at the same time without fail, somewhere where you can do an activity and chat once or twice a week but you have to go regularly for months.

Please don’t start thinking it’s you though (unless your standards are ridiculously high which I am sure they are not.)

My DDs tell me that dating nowadays is a nightmare, full of men not making any effort, or not wanting to take the lead. Have you thought of asking anyone out yourself op?
What type of man are you looking for? You might need to change tactics and go to places men frequent like sports venues or start learning a sport like rowing or sailing or something like that? Maybe buy a paddle board or a bike?

Another tactic is to, say one weekend a month, go much further afield, at least a couple of hours away, and start putting feelers out in a different area of the country, but on a regular basis. For example, one of my DD’s friends who lives in the East Midlands, got in to rock-climbing in the Lakes and met someone doing that.

Another possible strategy is for you and your friends to go and visit each other’s parents, if they live somewhere different to you, and ask to meet your friend’s childhood or university mates of the opposite sex?

Or a really good way of meeting new people is to get a dog or another animal. ! I know that’s a bit extreme but animals are not only fantastic in themselves, they bring good people to you! I firmly believe that,

Just one last thought, if you are out a lot meeting different people, are you with lots of female friends who might put a prospective man off? Are you going to the sort of places where you can strike up a conversation?

I am sure that’s not much help but I just wanted to wish you well op and if you were my dd I would tell you to keep maintaining those standards, hold your head up, do not start doubting yourself, and the right one will come along I promise. You really do have to invest a lot of time and sometimes money on to it though and treat it seriously, almost like you would looking for a job. Good luck 🌷

PermanentTemporary · 29/05/2026 06:51

I’m just saying this because it happened to a friend of mine… she was from another country and always wore a ring her mother had given her on her left third finger. IMO men do check for rings and are less likely to approach women who they think are engaged or married, not surprisingly.

Is there anyone around who you have an interest in? Tbh I don’t really want to be asked out by randoms, I want to be interested in someone. If so I’d then suggest all the old cliches about brazen flirting. Eye contact, getting close, touching arms, almost literally fluttering eyelashes. They’re cliches because they sometimes do work.

Having said that, I’ve had 3 serious partners over the past 30 years and I met them all via online dating or the equivalent. Lots of different sites depending on my stage of life. But I do hear that the sites are getting worse.

Gizlotsmum · 29/05/2026 06:56

You say your friend gets lots of attention, is there anything she noticeably does differently to you? Also absolutely join clubs/ go different places. Maybe think of it as meeting people rather than a potential relationship

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 06:59

I work all over the UK so travel on trains a lot and meet people. I'm part of a meetup group. That's where my social circle comes from. I mix with guys and girls all the time however they are always the same people. Maybe I need to go out with different meet up groups around the uk whilst I'm working and potentially meet someone?

OP posts:
Somethingbland · 29/05/2026 07:02

If you are such a social butterfly perhaps the men in your circle or that you meet think that your life is complete and full and that you don't need and aren't looking for something more intimate? You might come over as quite intimidating.

Tbh I think if someone is only interested in you because you are wearing a nice dress then it doesn't sound much basis for starting any sort of lasting relationship. Isn't the time honoured way of finding compatible people doing a hobby so you can actually find friendships with like minderd people that will develop into relationships?

Discardedbutnotlost8 · 29/05/2026 07:02

You mentioned in your update op about attracting someone when you wore a dress?

Are you seriously thinking it’s your appearance putting people off? I am pretty sure it’s not that Op.

If you feel you want to give yourself a style overhaul though to make you feel more confident in yourself, then why not go to a John Lewis or similar and get an appointment with a personal stylist? There are lots of people offering similar advice on-line too. Ditto hair and make up. I am pretty sure that men actually aren’t bothered as much by appearances as we women think they are though! Looking at ease, approachable and friendly is more important I think.

Larrythecatforpm · 29/05/2026 07:02

tbh when out men aren’t thinking of relationships they’re thinking about getting their leg over. Probably not the best way to find a relationship. I was asked on a date at a pub, but I bumped into a friend I worked with so already knew him very well (married now.)

Discardedbutnotlost8 · 29/05/2026 07:06

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 06:42

I have a massive social circle and am out almost all the time. I have guy friends within that circle as well as girls. I see one of my girl friends constantly get guys attention. Not from guys in the circle but guys we don't know. I got some guys attention when I was wearing a lovely dress out on a girls night a few months back

I've dipped in and out of online dating the past couple of years. I find it exhausting. I start conversations. We get chatting. They either send inappropriate pictures or ghost me.

Could you go up to each of the guys in this circle and ask them to each introduce you to three of their friends?

hotflashes · 29/05/2026 07:10

Have you had any discussion with any of them to say that you’re looking for a partner? You need to make it known. It takes a lot of courage for a guy to make a move.
And honestly, there’s nothing stopping you from asking a guy ‘do you fancy going for a coffee sometime?’.
From what you’ve said, you might come across as having a very active , fun-packed life - maybe one too busy for a partner? (In their eyes)
You need to somehow show you’re open to a relationship

GreyCarpet · 29/05/2026 07:12

I also disagree that online dating is the only way to do it.

I have been/do get approached by men on a night out but, tbh, I've ever considered going on a date with one of them since my early 20s. They're literally drunk men scouting for girls. Nah.

Tbh I don’t really want to be asked out by randoms, I want to be interested in someone.

Totally agree!

Do you have hobbies? My son goes to a writing group (men and women of all ages) and volunteers one night a week with a food bank that does outreach work in the city centre. He didn't join to meet someone but cold have and has made a number of friends and just really.likes hanging out with people who have similar interests and values to him.

I'm 51 and met my partner 9 years ago through a hobby.

Basically, if you want to meet someone, you need to be proactive. Dont sit around on a shelf waiting for a man to pick you up from it.

OneKhakiTurtle · 29/05/2026 07:14

Is your friend very attractive? in my experience that is the first thing men value.

How much do you chat to these men? How does that conversation go? Is there good back and forth, flirting etc?

Women and men value different things at the initial relationship stage in my experience. Men value looks and good fun early on and then they see how it goes from there.

Women tend to consider long term prospects out the gate for bloody good reason.

My daughter is in her 20s and getting asked out is definitely still a thing among her peers so it is still going on in some circles.

BeEagerTurtle · 29/05/2026 07:14

The days of men just plain hitting on women have long gone, you would probably be best trying to cultivate a good friendship with someone in your circle who you get along well with and show you are single and open to be asked out ( you might have to do the asking)

Snoken · 29/05/2026 07:31

I would start with thinking about if there is a particular man that you are interested in, rather than waiting for someone to choose you. I have met two men just from dog walking. We got talking and then I started feeling interested in them so I suggested meeting up with the dogs and then I let them take it from there. It can be hard to know if they are also interested so start with something that friends would do and then let it develop naturally.

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 07:56

Gizlotsmum · 29/05/2026 06:56

You say your friend gets lots of attention, is there anything she noticeably does differently to you? Also absolutely join clubs/ go different places. Maybe think of it as meeting people rather than a potential relationship

She is stunning. She just makes eye contact and does wear beautiful clothes.

You're right, I'll have to think of it as meeting people snd get the confidence to introduce myself to guys and think of it as just meeting.

OP posts:
Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 08:05

moderate · 29/05/2026 06:13

How many guys have you asked out on a date?

I have asked loads of guys out years ago but got rejected and laughed at. I asked my ex boyfriend out. He said yes. He turned out to be a narcissist and years later said "I only agreed to go out with you because I felt sorry for you" Even though we broke up three years ago, it knocks my confidence

OP posts:
Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 08:13

hotflashes · 29/05/2026 07:10

Have you had any discussion with any of them to say that you’re looking for a partner? You need to make it known. It takes a lot of courage for a guy to make a move.
And honestly, there’s nothing stopping you from asking a guy ‘do you fancy going for a coffee sometime?’.
From what you’ve said, you might come across as having a very active , fun-packed life - maybe one too busy for a partner? (In their eyes)
You need to somehow show you’re open to a relationship

Yeah I talk to everyone in the group and say I'm open to dating again. The guys say just take other guys home and sleep with them. That's not me 😂 I think I need courage to ask guys out and not let my past define me

OP posts:
ivebeenthinkingforawhile · 29/05/2026 08:19

Oh, this has come up a lot in our friend group too.

In this day and age, don't just sit back and wait for a decent man to approach you. Almost all won't and not because they're uninterested, but because they're worried about being seen as pushy or inappropriate. Also men get rejected a lot too, and that can make them hesitant to make the first move.

If you see a guy you think is interesting, give him a few clues, smile, be friendly and approachable.

A compliment never hurts either. DP once got complimented by a woman and it still makes him feel good over 20 years later.

Thats basically the summary we came up with 😂

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 08:20

Discardedbutnotlost8 · 29/05/2026 07:02

You mentioned in your update op about attracting someone when you wore a dress?

Are you seriously thinking it’s your appearance putting people off? I am pretty sure it’s not that Op.

If you feel you want to give yourself a style overhaul though to make you feel more confident in yourself, then why not go to a John Lewis or similar and get an appointment with a personal stylist? There are lots of people offering similar advice on-line too. Ditto hair and make up. I am pretty sure that men actually aren’t bothered as much by appearances as we women think they are though! Looking at ease, approachable and friendly is more important I think.

Yes I think my appearance puts people off. I don't think I'm unattractive. I do make an effort. I think it's memories of my ex boyfriend putting me down saying I was unattractive. I can't wear pretty dresses every day though. I'm in work uniform most days

OP posts:
moderate · 29/05/2026 08:40

Miss2009 · 29/05/2026 08:20

Yes I think my appearance puts people off. I don't think I'm unattractive. I do make an effort. I think it's memories of my ex boyfriend putting me down saying I was unattractive. I can't wear pretty dresses every day though. I'm in work uniform most days

Your ex sounds like a prick. He said these things to hurt and control you. Pay them no heed.

You need to learn to signal interest. Flirting is a dance. You don’t just jump straight to the end.

LarksAscending · 29/05/2026 08:48

Men don’t really do that anymore, I find.