My mother and me *[content warning: concerns CSA)

[MsKatey]

I’m posting here because I can’t talk about this in real life, and I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible.
I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents, especially my mum. We aren’t close, but I’m an only child so I do everything that’s expected — I take them to appointments, invite them for lunch, host Christmas, take the photos my mum wants so she can show her friends what a “lovely family” we are. It’s not awful, but a lot of it feels like performance. Still, I put the effort in.
A few years ago, my dad told me something horrific about our family history. He was drunk at the time, and he said that my grandad — who I adored as a child — had sexually abused his own children, including my mum. I didn’t know what to do with that information. My dad can be difficult, and he’d been unwell a few years earlier, so part of me wondered if he was confused or misremembering. It just seemed impossible because my grandad was wonderful to us as kids.
But I also know that abusers don’t look like monsters, and I’ve had to accept that it could be true.
That’s where the real problem starts.
I had a very close relationship with my grandparents. My grandad died when I was nine, but I remember him clearly. I spent a lot of time alone with him when I was little. And if what my dad said is true, I’m devastated that my mum allowed that. I did confront her about it, and now she’s upset that I’m not focusing on her trauma — but I can’t get past the fact that she let her young daughter be alone with someone she knew was dangerous.
I wasn’t kind to her when we spoke, and she’s elderly now. I don’t know what to do next.
I can't reconcile being a victim, and exposing your child to the same.

I've asked to move this to relationships, obviously posted in wrong place.

Oh what an awful situation. I wonder if perhaps you might find some counselling helpful for you, so you can talk about your feelings to someone irl.

Please seek counselling, you'll find there are tragically a lot of victims who don't protect their children. You don't have to be okay with it, but it may help you understand x

Oh wow, OP. The feelings that you have about this are completely understandable - your mum/parents (did your dad know about your grandfather's abuse of your mum when they both allowed you to be alone with him, or did he only find out when you were older?) completely failed to protect you at the most basic level. It is unthinkable.

I suppose it is possible that your mum had repressed the memories but that seems unlikely given that a) she told your dad and b) she is not disputing now that she was abused (or that she knowingly exposed you to an abuser?).

May I ask why you don't feel able to talk about this in real life? I would tell my husband, my best friends, my church leader etc. so that I had people supporting me. Is it that you don't feel you have people who are close to you who you can count on or that you feel obligated to keep this secret? Because if the latter, that is totally unfair on you. I would also seek professional support as mentioned above. It is not your fault that you have been out in this situation and you deserve to have people alongside you who can help you to process it all.

I think what you have to understand is your Mum was groomed by her own Father .
Some survivors dissociate or compartmentalise, especially if the abuse happened years ago .
I am so sorry this happened.

I’m so sorry. What a dreadful thing to learn. People with these experiences don’t always behave as we expect. They are shaped by their experiences. She may have been told it was normal, she may have been told she was special and chosen (and therefore you weren’t at risk), she may have normalised it or compartmentalised it or thought you’d be safe in the daytime.

You're right, both your parents and grandparents put you at risk. The reasons why won’t be as straightforward as them ‘not caring’.

I can totally empathise. I found out my mum had been abused by her own dad as a child. I was obviously upset for her, but also flabbergasted that we’d all been sent to stay with these grandparents when we were kids and they’d always given us a bath, (even though back in those days it was a once a week thing!) which really freaked me out. I can’t imagine sending my precious children to stay overnight without me at the house of someone who’d SAd me as a child. Mind boggling.

Something similar happened to me and I’ll never understand it. My mum was friendly with some neighbours and they often babysat me at their house including overnight. Even as a small child I knew he was off and I didn’t like going there at all.

I mentioned it casually to my older sister recently and she said while babysitting her he had been inappropriate with her, and that she had told both his wife and our mum who didn’t believe her. Worse my other sister also said the same.

She died so I can’t ask her about it.

Thank you so much for these replies. I’m actually so grateful that you did reply.
To answer, no I’ve not sought counselling but I might. It could help me reconcile my feelings, at least internally.
The reason I’ve not spoken to anyone is to protect my mum, her secret but also her awful mothering. I’m ok, but I need to deal with it somehow, it has been bothering me.

I’m so sorry you also have to deal with this. It’s so conflicting isn’t it, to know what they went through but to also have placed your child at risk.

This is awful. So difficult to understand, the reason or why they allowed it.

Your mums trauma and her and your dad (they are both your parents and if he knew your name dad is equally response for your safety) putting you at risk are different things.

I think you need councelling. There is lots to unpick. Your parents put you at risk. Your grandad isnt the man you thought he was. Your family protected him and the family imagine above the children in your family.

SA is families is often covered up. I was SA by my dad's brother. I was 2. The abuse wasn't reported to the police. My parents told other relatives to not leave him with their children but they didn't listen. He assaulted 3 of us and rapid w more. I was still made to see him. I was never left alone with him again. I feel that the family name was valued more that us children, our innocence, justice and or physical and emotional safety. I'm oldish now. I've had therapy several times. The same issues and feelings come up. I dont think there is recovery but acceptance that I can't change it. I'll never understand it or the rational but in my case my parents were very young and did what they were advised to do. Unfortunately, they were advised by my dad's parents who obviously had a vested interest in keeping it quiet.

Thinking back to my childhood in the 70’s and things are different now - and with good reason.
These abuses were far more common than we thought - as well family members being abusive it was family friends, neigbours, babysitters, community leaders…..
Your mum, I should imagine, was absolutely ashamed of the abuse. She probably was very glad to get married and have children and once she’s created a respectable family has wanted to create the lovely family. Which includes her abusive father minding her children.
It must be a sort of cognitive dissonance.
I am wondering why your dad told you. He was also complicit. Why would a man let another abusive man near his young daughter?
I am not sticking up for your mum by any means but I’m sure she has gone through life buried in shame. She took a huge risk, though. Had her father abused you, that would have been horrific.
I think counselling would help. It would be terrible for you if your last years with your mum were ruined by this.
My dad tried to tell me something about my mum after she had died - he was drunk - and I managed to stop him dead in his tracks. Possibly because she wasn’t here to defend herself.
The shame here is with your grandfather for what he put his daughter through at a time when it was a guarded secret.
I am very sorry you were placed in harm’s way, though. Only you can know if you can forgive that and if you can’t, that would be understandable.

Thank you so much for this. I’m so sorry you went through this. I wish that hadn’t happened to you.
I think my family are very similar to yours. I think I will pursue counselling.

I don’t know if your old is my old, I’m 55.

I knew my grandfather until I was 9 years old. I have wracked my brains, do I know something, did he hurt me? I don’t think so, I’m pretty confident I was ok
But it hurts that my mother left me with him.

Thank you for this. It’s very helpful to hear this perspective. Although I’m very angry with my mother, I do accept my father’s complicity. His is almost worse.
He only told me because he was drunk. I think my mother is actually very upset he did.

I have to repeat, thank you all for engaging with me on this.

I don’t really understand. Has your mum admitted it was true?

My mother said she was physically snd sexually abused by her father. At some points in her life this abuse became her entire identity. However she also left her children alone with him - we spent entire weeks there alone during the holidays, not so she could work but so she and my dad could go on holiday. Eventually she did go LC but this was a while after he punched her in front of us when I was about 10 or so. I'll never understand it. Whatever happened - and the stories frequently changed - completely broke her. What I cannot forgive is her - actively at times - not just failing to protect her children but actively putting us in harm's way.

That’s a good question. When I asked her about it, it was about 6 years since my dad told me. It had bothered me a lot, during that time but I didn’t know how to raise it, with my mother.
The reason it came up with my mother, she’s very focused on social media. She “comments” on everything. So what prompted me to, after 6 years to mention this, was my mother commenting on my cousin’s photo of the grandfather.
My mother commented “precious memories “.
That response really pissed me off.
But she didn’t know, at that time, my father had told me about my grandfather.
That post really annoyed Me. I’m in my 50’s so social media isn’t a thing for me.
But it really annoyed me that she had decided to do this.
So I spoke to her, to answer your question, I asked her why she was praising the grandfather. Her answer was , well what do you want me to do.
No explanation, no apology for your little girl, nothing.

sorry about the long response but, thank you for your response x

Thanks, but I still don’t really understand. Have you ever actually told your mother what your father said, and asked her if it was true? If not, how do you know for sure that what your father said was the truth?

It’s so difficult to understand, isn’t it? I feel like my family situation was similar but it’s so shocking to me that my own mother would expose me to this guy, my grandfather.

Yes I did ask her, I asked her why she was commenting on social media, on my cousin’s pages, especially on photos of the grandfather. Very complimentary about the grandfather. I asked her, did he abuse her?
So that’s when she said “I don’t know what you want me to say”.

Id asked her if I was safe with him, she said yes. But he was a rapist, how could I be safe? She won’t answer. But my dad was very clear, and surely she would say it’s not true, if he was lying.

1 think this is spot on. A lot of people have to cope with their trauma by denial which would make them feel that no need for protection exists. other victims will be convinced that they are the only person it happened to and its their fault. And for older generations, the Knowledge of sexual abuse was nothing like ours now. It's very hard from the outside to understand, and it sounds like your mother's response was less than empathic when you tried to talk with her. Lik a pp, I would guess that is a shame based response. We tend to imagine shame to make people seem upset + vulnerable but some people cape by developing a tough seeming shell- they have to because if it gets pierced, they would collapse. I am so sorry you have had this shock and do think counselling would be helpful.

I think your dad was shitty to allow it too.

This sounds right - if your mum was raped/abused regularly then she may well have undiagnosed Cptsd and dissociation. Years ago, many victims were actively blamed for the abuse eg accused of leading men on and they consequently felt great shame and responsibility even though it wasn’t their fault. She may also be so dissociated that she cannot truly comprehend what happened or the implications of leaving you there. Men had so much power in the past and he almost certainly groomed not only your mum but those around him too.
The past certainly was a different place.