Husband's affair after 20 years of marriage and hostile divorce

[londonmaman]

My husband of over 20 years had been avoiding talking to me and spending time with the family. I felt something was really wrong and asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage and his answer was that he wanted a separation.
i was in total shock as i knew we had problems but thought they were behind us.
we started couple counselling but it still felt very off.
then i discovered that he had taken his mistress on an expensive one week holiday in Asia instead of working / be by himself.
when he came back, I told him I knew he was cheating on me but without showing him the proof.
instead of apologies he blamed me for his affair , on the fact that the marriage has not been working for years and how unhappy he was. He told me the affair started a year ago and he lied to protect me and above all the children.
I felt sick to think of how he was sleeping with two women at the same time and how brazenly he lied to our faces.
now we are divorcing but he’s becoming hostile and treats me as if I’m his enemy.
he wanted to stay in the house even though he has plenty of money to rent a place. He painted himself as a victim, being cut off from his house and his children by a bitter wife (he’s staying with a single friend in a house, the kids told him they don’t want to see him until things calm down or divorce is through).

i am so heartbroken and bewildered as how the most trusted person in my life can behave like this.
the children (older teenager and at university) are so devastated and hurt too but he said it’s nothing to do with them. He said his family is now just him and the kids. I’m cut out of his life as if he’s thrown me over and got on with his new life.

the husband that I’ve been married to for over 20 years has turned into a monster or is that the mistress's influence???

Very similar situation here @londonmaman...it's bewildering how they can change so much...and the anger is off the charts...all my fault he had an affair apparently..
I hope you're doing ok

He's being a dick and treating you that way because if he paints you as the evil wife it justifies his behaviour, his mistress and his woe is me nonsense in his head.

Learn to grey rock and take him for everything you can.

Always remember - when the mistress gets promoted to full time partner they are just creating a vacancy for the next one.

You are bound to be hurt but honestly once it’s all sorted, you’ll realised you’ve had a lucky escape and that the kids deserve better.

Read up about The Script.

sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/script.html

i hardly slept or ate first few weeks. Now on second month and I wake up with heart thudding.
just found out from telephone bills that he’s been sending her flowers from a really expensive florist after every weekend that he’s spent with her (she’s not in the same city as DH).
He didn’t even bother with flowers or meaningful present on my birthday last year - that’s when I knew something had changed. When I asked if there’s anyone else, he said absolutely not.
He lied until he was caught. Then deflected the blame.
a mutual friend said he’s been telling her husband about me, as if he’s been preparing the ground to justify his affair because I’m the unloving wife.
thank you for your support. It means a lot to me

It’s grim for the ow that he has been sleeping with you as well as her. She hasn’t exactly got herself a prince there, despite the fancy flowers and holidays. But then she’s sleeping with a married man.

Water finds its own level.

They deserve each other, and you deserve much, much better than this snake. You deserve to be free of the doubts, the questions, the maddening denials, the destabilising lies, and the indignity of it all.

The trash is taking itself out, and right now your life is in turmoil. Transitions are always messy and hard. But there is freedom on the other side.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Do you have financial information?

@londonmaman I’m so sorry you are being put through this. I don’t have any practical advice, but he sounds like an absolute dickhead and an arsehole. You are better off free of him. Hopefully eventually you will be able to heave a big sigh of relief and move on, but of course have to get through an awful lot of pain and heartache in order for that to be possible.
He’s a worthless human being, and he knows it, that is why he’s deflecting blame on to you. What piece of shit.
Congratulations on working towards your freedom 💐

I’m so sorry OP, this is a terrible thing to go through and absolutely bewildering. It is, as a previous poster has suggested part of ‘the script’. He makes himself the victim and completely rewrites history in order to try to justify his own shitty behaviour. It’s a form of abuse. Look up a website called ‘chump lady’ also. You will get through this.

@londonmaman Don’t let him bully you op. I know It’s hard but try to be more businesslike and get the best deal you can out of this separation.
He’s not your friend and is quite prepared to screw you over.

You should consider getting an std test if you haven’t already. Sleeping with you whilst sleeping with someone else is particularly abusive as you did not give your consent for this. He is absolutely the one in the wrong and don’t allow him to try to turn that around on you.

I was in your shoes 18 months ago. Short answer- yes, he has become a monster, the man that you loved and trusted has disappeared. Why it happens, I don't know, but it is common enough that it is totally recognisable ( and incredibly devastating). The cheating husband has to turn you into the bad person to make it right in their head. They also do all sorts of mental gymnastics like believing that their relationship with the kids is completely separate from their relationship with you/your relationships within the family whereas me and my kids see it as that he has left the famly and smashed the previous family structure. My cheating spouse remains surprised that he has ruined his previous relationship with the kids (the older ones are slowly building a new and paper- thin relationship with him but the youngest refuses to see him).

Vicki Stark has a podcast and a book on this called Runaway Husbands which I foind invaluable. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.runawayhusbands.com/&ved=2ahUKEwjPx9Li3tOUAxX2a0EAHVTvHzMQFnoECFAQAQ&sqi=2&usg=AOvVaw2Q-rym4rmt3k0j4_dYSeNZ

On a practical note, it is time for you to go into disaster management mode. It is up to you to re build your family's life. You need to see a lawyer, understand that your husband is now your enemy and cannot ever be relied on to do the decent thing for your kids. Work out where you want to be (keep the house?) and how you can buy him out, think about what future finances are going to be like. Then once you have worked out what you need, start negotiating. Treat it like a business deal, nothing personal. But you have to fight hard to get what you and your kids need. I found it helpful to compartmentalise my sense of devastation/ betrayal and promise myself I would come back to it more when the financial deal was done. During the negotiation, remember that you can have the upper hand and it's better to keep a cool head - because his brain is completely frazzled and he isn't thinking straight. A good book on negotiation is Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.

You are not alone - there are sadly so many women who have gone through this. Happy for you to PM me

I agree with every single word @MirrorSignal1has written. Get strong, get a decent financial settlement and leave his cheating arse in your rear view mirror. So many women get treated like this after 20+ years of marriage.
I wish I knew why.
I’m 7 years on and I’m doing ok. Paper thin describes the relationship my adult and almost adult DC have with their cheating dad.

He can’t accept any blame at all so it has to be your fault. You could be the most wonderful and saintly and gorgeous woman on the planet but not able to compete with the thrill of an affair.
It’s a long game. Be dignified and practical. Be glad you’re not stuck with him. Their affair will settle into mundanity and she’s stuck with her prize.
My cheating ex is alone and lonely now. I am very content on my own with the love and company of my children and friends.
Don’t waste your time analysing him or trying to get him to see he’s in the wrong. Just look after yourself.

DARVO

So sorry you’re going through this.

Focus on yourself and your children. You will get through this and be in a better place.

As others have said he has to have a target and you are this person. They come up with the most ridiculous lies. It's easy for me to say this now 10 years down the line but at the time it was traumatic. I believe that this is the worst thing they do - the character assassination. It's cruel and emotionally damaging. If only they would be honest ...anyway the best thing you can do is get your head down and clue up on the various legal stages of divorce. Start to look at finances - value of your house, amount of equity you have, amount still owed. Check what your state pension status is - you can do this online. If you have a pension write to them and ask for the current valuation. You need a CETV for divorce. He will need to do the same. Try not to waste time thinking about the OW but I know it is inevitable. Mine was easy as she was a family friend ! 🙄 You can start the divorce process or ask him to do so . Find yourself a solicitor once you have more information. No one expects to get divorced but it is so common. Look at this as starting a new chapter in your life.

He will regret this..Not now. Not loudly but when he's old and the relationship with his children is harmed, and when he gets time to reflect on the damage he has caused to his family, finances stability etc.
Will he admit it? Hell to the no. But he will feel.it.

I’m so sorry op. Very similar to what my twat ex put me through. I was gobsmacked at first, it was like he became a different person - angry, bitter, just awful. I divorced him and am much happier now. You’ll get through this and be much happier too.

This is the number 1 reason I like to think I wouldn't have an affair. I grew up with enough friends with divorced parents to see if a parent is unfaithful to their spouse, 99% lose the respect of their children.

He's painting himself as the victim because he alone is at fault, and he knows it- who wants to admit they betrayed their family in order to have some fun, or just something a little different- what would you do put your hand up and say mea culpa?
You were right to insist he leaves- he wants his cake and eat it, but he got caught.
Make sure you get a good divorce lawyer, and stay on top of it- he is in denial and he will gut you if he gets the chance, forget you years together- he is now the enemy, don't be caught out.

He is financially controlling, demanding explanations for spending on the kids while he took out ten thousand pounds to buy his mistress gifts so that it’s not traceable.
He insisted that it’s his house too and I have to leave my bedroom door unlocked so that he can access his stuff. It’s all demanded in rude texts and emails.
what hurt me the most is that he has never say sorry willingly, only when I pointed out and he reluctantly said sorry once. Since then he’s been busy painting me as unloving, ignoring his needs and the main reason for the marriage breakup.
Now he wanted to sell the house asap despite telling me at the beginning that he wanted to keep the house until our youngest finish schooling.

It's standard in 'the script' for him to blame you for not meeting his needs, he will come up with a lot of other similar lines - just ignore them. You need to think about what you want for you and kids and then work out how to get it. This is not to minimise the devastation or level of betrayal - I totally get that- but you are now in a war situation. Imagine how you would respond if your home was suddenly under bombardment, how you would switch into capable mode and make sure everyone was safe. That is what you have to do. Also since he took a lot of money out of the joint account I would take an equal amount and then freeze it.

It's your house too- why is it entirely his decision?
Put all his stuff from the bedroom in boxes and bags outside the bedroom and keep the door locked.
Make sure you keep copies of all bank statements and evidence of withdrawals- they will be vital in the settlement.
Don't look for sorry- put your footdown, now.
Selling the house is not his sole decision, waiting until your youngest leaves school would be much less disruptive.

I'm in the same boat as you OP and I send you so much support.
My H of 16 years (together 25) told me 3 weeks ago that he's in love with someone who I thought was my friend.
I started off devastated and I couldn't stop crying, then I was angry and now he completely disgusts me! He is like a stranger and he's so unreasonable, I dread to think how this will all pan out.
My children are a bit younger so all they know so far is that Dad's unhappy and sleeping in the spare room but they don't know about the affair yet. He seems to think they'll be fine about it but as he's lost all sense of reality, that's not surprising.
Where I'm at practically is that I've got a free call with a solicitor and I've booked to have the house valued. And I'm trying to get him to move out as just his presence here is stressing me out!! The other woman doesn't want him to move in with her as it will disrupt her children's lives 🙄

I’m so sorry you are going through it too. Get him to move in with his mistress or stay at his parents. It’s unbearable to be in the same house.
My f**kwit of a husband refused to move out too until his children told him to get out or they’d never have a relationship with him again.
sending you lots of sisterhood love xx

Yes I have a solicitor and waiting for him to fill in form E. Really want to save money on lawyers but I don’t trust him to do what’s right for the children.