Partner says I begrudge his hobbies when I ask for help

[Mattjack2]

My partner has just said he thinks I begrudge him going to play golf/motorbike because I ask him to sometimes help in the garden/other random house stuff. Or even try have a conversation about what we are going to focus on this year (replacing decking maybe or sorting lawn). That one is also nagging. He continued to say he wasn't doing all the stuff that needed doing straight away. At no point have I said anything about straight away nor do I begrudge his hobbies. How on earth does he come to such a crazy conclusion with no evidence!! He does more hobby stuff than I do, I work full time and he is retired working 2 days a week!

Time for a new partner.

He’s being defensive because he knows he’s prioritising his hobbies over stuff that needs doing at home.

Thanks. He's persistently defensive. Hard work that Im pretty much done with

Tell him you begrudge having sex with a man who has no respect for your time. You’d probably prefer to being spending your spare time on hobbies and he should understand to do that the things that need doing should be a shared task. Also that having to ask him to help is a real turn off, your his wife not a mum to a five year old man, he needs to grow up.

He doesn't think any of that is his problem so make it not his problem and give him the heave ho.

He sounds pretty pathetic. Dh works FT, company director running his own business. I don’t work right now (due to chronic illness). We also have 2 children that he is a very engaged parent to (for example, spent about 3 hours yesterday after school running around trying to buy everyone new shoes for an upcoming holiday). He’s been up since 8am in today’s heat building new raised beds in our garden. I didn’t ask or nag. We needed it done, so he is doing it. He has hobbies, he runs and rides motorbikes and cycles. He does that in his free time during the week when not busy with the kids or home.

Tell him to look up the definition of partner and see if he's capable of it

He sounds amazing! I had an ex (ex for other reasons!) who I never had to ask to do anything. Proactive, always making suggestions for the house, wanted to have a nice home and garden. I like that in a partner to mirror my enthusiasm. Thank you for your thoughts x

a conversation about what we are going to focus on this year (replacing decking maybe or sorting lawn)

Some people are just not into this kind of stuff. They are not bothered.
Reframe the situation:
Doing up the house and garden is your hobby, one which he has no interest in.
That is okay. He does not have to be interested in your hobbies.
If you need physical help, hire someone for the day.

He should be doing his fair share of routine housework (laundry, cleaning, food shopping, cooking, etc.), but extra projects are optional.

What do you mean ‘help’? Do you mean do his share?

I think youve missed the point. Our responsibilities as home owners include making sure the rotting decking boards get replaced. Id happily get someone in but he has said it needs doing as well as me, and he will do it. The point was not about who does it, its about the reaction when I mention it.

Yes his share. Or at least discuss if he says its his share and he hasnt the time, then we get someone in.

Either this is a dealbreaker and you end it, or you pay someone else to do it (regardless of what your DP says) or you suck it up. He’s not going to change. (You have my sympathy- it took me a long time to figure out option 2 for us saved the marriage and was worth the £££).

He's a lazy, selfish misogynist who thinks that a partner "complaining" ie communicating their needs is "nagging" , creating drama, basically the issue is you, not him.

He just wants to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and for you to just put up with it.

I couldn't be married to someone like that.

I would love to get someone in! That just ends up in him moaning about the cost and the fact he doesn't have time. I am however at the stage Im just going to do it and pay for it out of my own money not the shared household pot. Whatever I do will be wrong!

I ended up doing it without consultation out of shared money. When H complained I said it was outsourcing the part of his work he wasn’t doing and that was the cost of his opting out. I wasn’t prepared to live with 15 years of undone stuff anymore and I had tonnes of evidence that he just wasn’t going to do it whatever he said. The 15 bags of pebbles that had sat on the patio that were overgrown with moss and weeds were hard to argue with.

My ex was like this. He refused to do anything and refused to let me (with my own earnings) employ anyone to do the things that needed doing. Then he complained that I never let him do anything in the flat.

Is he controlling in other ways @Mattjack2 ?

Here is the answer, OP.

He's taking the piss.

Don't go down that road (paying for it all yourself). Just give him notice that if he isn't prepared to contribute his time and effort to the shared household, then it will have to outsourced. But you say 'partner' not husband, so time to move on. Life's too short for this shit, and he should add to your life, not be a drain. Ducks in a row.

I dont blame you! 15 years is a long time. Our decking is unsafe in places, gaps the dogs legs could slip down and raised nails. If his grandkids came round I wouldn't let them near it but thats still not good enough to sort it. 🙄

Yes I wouldn't marry him now. Living with him for 3 years is enough! Its my house anyway so if it needs doing, it needs doing!

Please do not do it out of your own money. You have both agreed it needs to be done, so it should come out of shared money.

If he complains, tell him you’re filing for divorce.

Whose house is it? Time for a new partner.

Im not sure if controlling is the right word but he is very defensive, doesn't take kindly to perceived (or not) criticism, has to explain away everything (he doesn't just forget to take the bins out, theres a raft of irrelevant excuses), he is very quick to attack if Im standing up for myself and then twists me reacting to readily ignore the actual issues. Yet to everyone else he is perfect! Ex police, PTS ambulance driver and Andys Man Club facilitator. Yet when I herniated my disc and was immobile and in agony, I was told I was keeping him awake, rarely gave me a hug (he might hurt me) and Im having to pay back the money he gave me from his house sale to cover my share of bills whilst I wasn't earning. Ive been having counselling a while now and as Im putting in boundaries hes unravelling a bit.