Living with husband's long-term depression and worried about the children

[RedFaceThree]

Hi. My husband has depression and can sit in a room all day without speaking to my children or me, often crying. He can be intense to be around and difficult to approach. He has experienced depression since childhood, now aged 45. I’m starting to struggle to support him as it absolutely drains me of energy. I am so worried about the impact it could have on our children aged 8, 9 and 11. School are aware and supportive. Mental health services let him down repeatedly and he’s just not willing to try anything different like support groups. If im honest, I’m not sure how I feel about him anymore. I’m financially unable to leave him and just don’t know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

Honestly i get that depression is brutal ( I’m bipolar) but it’s not ever ok to sit in a room ignoring your own children and openly and repeatedly weeping in front of them. Once in a blue moon, I suppose it’s not the end of the world but every day? The atmosphere must be absolutely horrific for you all. I’ve absolute had cripplingly depressive episodes in the past but I never just ignored my children. I still spoke to them, reassured them and told them I loved them. After I was over it, I apologised and explained and made it up to them.

in your shoes I’d be splitting up. You being with him isn’t helping him, and him being there certainly isn’t helping your kids. You could well find that things improve when you separate and he just has a set time to see his kids. Also, it’s very easy to fall into the sick role and then you become complicit in your own illness and more and more reliant on the people around you to prop you up. I know I’ve been there and it’s an incredibly unhealthy dynamic for everybody involved. It can teach you and your children that their dad’s health and happiness is reliant on them pandering to his moods and tiptoeing around him etc. it creates a pyramid where your DH and his needs are at the top and you and your kids are at the bottom. As hard as it is, it’s your duty to do what’s best for your children first and foremost. When I was at my sickest, my DH moved out against my will and had the kids 50% of the time and told me I needed to get help and engage in therapy. At the time I was angry but he was completely right. I had to very much fake it til I made it but every depressive episode after that got easier to come out of because I learned how to climb out on my own instead of relying on others to prop me up. I was lucky enough to get 26 hours of psychotherapy and extra cbt and dialectal therapy and it saved my life.

My Dh grew up with a Dad who suffered with chronic depression and who at times, fairly frequently, couldnt get out of bed, or couldn’t go on the planned holiday at the last minute, or didn’t get up for the 18th birthday meal etc etc.
His wife, my MIL was supportive, as you are being, but to the point of tip toeing around him, appeasing all his moods, organising her life around not making him worse (she still does this at 76 and though they are happy enough their lives have been quite small and she has sacrificed so much that she wanted to do and she has voiced regrets). And DH became a part of that. As a result he is a huge people pleaser (to his own detriment), he is massively risk averse, he has never travelled or followed his dreams as his self esteem and self believe is low and his anxiety is high, and he was very emotionally suppressed-even now if we argue he will say anything to make it better and make it go away which isn’t always useful and led to him being taken massive advantage of in past relationships. He will never advocate for himself and he feels crushing guilt about things that he shouldn’t or
that couldnt possibly be his fault.
His brother went the other way and was more sort of wayward and rebelled more-but is now not so close to his parents.

I’ve every sympathy with people who suffer with depression in this way. But I’m not sure it’s right to support them to the effect of consistently having your support of them negativley affect your life or that of your children. Important that the depression doesn’t become an extra family member effectively. I think you need to find a way or draw a line that whist you will support you won’t curtail your or your children’s lives to accommodate. Otherwise you run the risk of repeating the cycle.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of separating from him. Being with him is doing your kids and you no favours as it is. What are they going to remember about their childhoods?. Do not let your supposition re finances prevent you from going as you may well be better off then you thought.

When you say you're financially unable to leave him, is there anywhere you can go with the kids even just for a few weeks? You all need a break and frankly he needs a massive reality check to realise he needs to assume some responsibility for getting better. You and the children can't live like this, it's not fair.

I think you need to have a hard conversation with him. His refusal to get proper help is adversely affecting your children's lives. He needs to commit to improving the situation or move out, or tell him you will. Does he have family to go to? Be clear there is a strict time limit before things are going to change.

You have to advocate for your children - they don't get this time back and the effects will last a lifetime for them.

Be strong. Be dispassionate. Put them first.

Honestly, if we could afford for him to live somewhere else I would be making that decision. He had a brain injury 6 years ago and I am his carer, but he is self-sufficient and just needs me to support in appointments. He has no family or friends so is dependent on me for that more than his physical health problems. We do have a room which is a sort of office which I am thinking about making in to my own space and living together but separated. I don't think he has the drive to really change, sadly.

Thank you. Part of the problem is he has no family or friends. He had a brain injury 6 years ago which he has recovered well from but its exacerbated his depression and taken away his job and purpose. I know I won't regret the effort and time I'm spending with our children, but know he will regret missing out on it. We don't have the financial capability for him to move out but I think I'm going to make the office type room we have in to a bedroom for me...

OP, is there a charity near you that might be able to help? We have Headway in the Thames valley, which supports people and families living with the effects of a brain injury.

Thank you. Unfortunately, we don't live close to my family and he doesn't have contact with his. He doesn't have friends so nobody to go and stay with. He can't work due to his mental health and ongoing physical conditions so we're unable to afford anywhere else, just about scraping by in our home. Plus, the kids and I shouldn't be the ones to leave our lovely home which I have worked hard to make. He's never helped to decorate or anything, it feels like its mine and the kids, not his. I feel stuck.

They are so well supported and we have a beautiful life. It is a lot easier when he's off sulking tbh and we just get on with days out and having fun. The school are supportive and we have a great support network. He just won't engage with any of it and is a complete victim. He's had many challenges, but I have too and don't ever let it effect my kids. I just feel stuck.

it is a really lovely home day to day?. It could be argued you do not have a beautiful life, why did you write that?.

Your children will certainly notice that you and dad no longer share a bedroom. I would reconsider living apart and separated like this. If you separate you both need to live separately from each other.

You are not responsible for him at the end of the day , he is. He is choosing not to seek the necessary help. He may well never want to seek the necessary help.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

Sulking is also a form of emotional abuse. All of you are really walking in eggshells around him.

Thanks for your response. This is the fear I have - how will it effect them as they get older. The school know about it and are amazing, they're getting extra support and we have a solid network around us. It's actually easier when he is just off sulking in some ways, I can take them out or just keep them away from it to protect them. They are all doing so well and their teachers and support staff say they are thriving and happy. But there will inevitably be feelings that they'll start to understand as they get older and that will be hard for them to deal with. I'm trying to prepare them now to feel better able to cope with this. I have had an incredible amount of empathy for him but it's waning now, 15 years in! I really think this is just the way it's going to be and his promises of change are pacifiers.

It is impossible to protect them , let alone your own self, from his depressed state and sulking whilst you are all under the same roof. They likely know far more about your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise. Is this the model you want to show them, this is no legacy to leave them. One day too your kids will leave home, perhaps at the very first opportunity they get (university for instance) and they won’t want to come home very often if at all. What then for you if you and he are together then?. His promises of change amount to nothing and are designed to keep you there.

You say his head injury exacerbated his depression.
It could be that his symptoms are worse due to hypopituitarism caused by his head injury.

Headway - the brain injury association have a lot of useful information. You can also call them.

Hormonal imbalances after brain injury

My DH has depression since a stroke in his 50s and thats been bad enough bit at least we had happy early years . What youre experiencing sounds terrible and you have my utmost sympathy. I am obviously also sympathetic to those with depression and anxiety like my DH . ButThey seem to want to drag others down sometimes and its hard not to be pulled into their cycle of misery . Being older myself my DC have all left home it is easier for me to ignore and carry on with my own life meetjng friends seeing my GC etc . But it has caused issues with one of my DSs I am afraid . He says I enabled his Dad and didnt take his side in arguments etc. So if I were you I would definitely start looking into ways to set yourself up away from your DH as harsh as that sounds . Here in solidarity with all the partners of depression.

Hi OP. There seems to be a few of us in the same rubbish club. I'm going to do the same thing you are planning on doing- turning the office into a bedroom for me and living separately. I talk and talk to MH professionals about this and they all say ' he has to take responsibility for his own health' which of course is true, and this is the only way I can think of to protect myself, give my kids some peace and hopefully give him a kick up the backside very quickly. I got chat gpt to draw up a separation agreement for people who will still be living in the same house as carer/carer. It's not legally binding but sets out boundaries. It looks pretty good tbh. I'm keeping it until he's in his right mind to he able to sign it.

I’m astonished that you have used such words. What a shame when I came here for support.

Is your DH taking any medication or receiving any talking therapies? It can help. Things can get better but only if your DH recognises that things are not OK as they are.

I grew up with a depressed father and it definitely has negatively impacted me throughout my life.

Ideally he needs to leave, if this isn’t possible then he needs to live separately in the same house, well away from the children.

Your poor kids.

It’s sadly true though. I say that as a child of a very depressed mother.

It will already have, and will continue to have, significant impact on your children’s emotional development. It’s considered an Adverse Childhood Experience.

It may feel astonishing but the PP is right.

You aren’t protecting your kids from it because they live it every day. And soon will be old and brave enough to tell you what they think.

he may well be depressed be he is also using that as an abuse mechanism.

you say you are stuck but you aren’t. He doesn’t have to be your problem. He will be receiving PIp and whatever else, he will qualify for social
housing and all the other things that people unwell enough to work need to live.

are you earning yourself?

You have a choice re this man. He is affecting your kids markedly and they also see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him. What do you think a state of living apart together like this is going to achieve?. Is your house this important?.

What do you think your kids are going to remember the most about their childhoods as adults?. Their life with their depressed father will come back to hurt them if it is not already.

PP is exactly right. I’ve been where you are and it’s the most miserable, joy-sucking way to live there is. Brain injury or no, he needs to move out and stop subjecting your children to this purgatory.

It sounds like a terrible situation and I imagine you must feel incredibly guilty at the thought of him not having family or friends for support but this will certainly be having a huge impact on your children. You converting the office into a living space for yourself doesn’t help them in any way, you need to get him to leave ideally