Should I worry about my husband's close friendship with a colleague?

[Owls1234]

Apologies for not using the lingo. I have recently found out by looking at my husband's phone that he has a close female colleague at work. I have read all the texts (not that many and mainly about people at work) and his teams chat which is usually every working day they exchange around 20-30 messages just generally about work people or having banter. He has never mentioned her and she is younger and single. She seems to be one of his closest friend in the office and the group of friends he has often go out together during and after work to the pub. I am currently pregnant and my reaction has not been rational. I have confronted him and he assured me it just slipped his mind and he has openly let me read all the messages. The messages themselves don't bother me just the fact he didn't tell me. He speaks to this colleague the most via messages but not via calls.
The group of friends is a mixture of women and men.
Should I be worried?

His personal phone, or just Teams?

Sounds like he’s not maintaining suitable boundaries, at best. More likely he’s flirting - grim.

Does he have that level of contact and style of messaging with others at work?

It is rational to be upset and worried about your partner’s fidelity, if he’s behaving in ways that bring it into question.

What made you want to read the messages in the first place? Do you have other suspicions?
One of my closest friends at work is a single man, I’m a woman in a 10+ year relationship with 2 children. We talk about everything, not just work but there’s nothing untoward happening.

He messaged her mostly via teams during work. There have been a couple of occasions they have messaged via phone because of work gossip. There is nothing flirty

I only happened to see a text pop up on his phone and asked who it is as I had never seen her name before

He doesn't message others like this but does call his male colleagues via teams

What made you look at his phone in the first place?
My late DH had a number if female friends, at work and outside of work. But he didn’t exchange 20-30 messages a day! Far too busy for that. But if as you say there’s nothing in the texts themselves other than some office gossip, it’s still pretty unprofessional. I’d ask him what he’d think of you were texting a younger attractive male colleague that much each day.

He has been very apologetic and agrees he would be annoyed if it were the other way round. He just didn't think to mention her as it's not important to him. A lot of the messages are office banter but I'm still too hurt to forgive him as he should have told me about her

I have a male colleague who I’m friends with. We get on well but it’s absolutely just a friendship. I hate this notion that men and women can’t be friends at all.

There have been a couple of occasions they have messaged via phone because of work gossip.

About them? Big red flag. Even if just in general, they know their closeness is drawing attention, so has crossed a line at work. Why does she message him when he's at home?

He doesn't message others like this but does call his male colleagues via teams

Again, inappropriate. He needs to back off. Is he calling his male colleagues 30 to 30 times a day?

I think this is the start of an emotional affair at work. Their contact is constant and they're concerned at the least it's been noted at work, and at worst, that how close they are is causing gossip at work. They're playing with fire.

Is he her superior or vice versa?

If this was only happening about work issues and office gossip during work hours, then I'd not really be bothered if he's being transparent. If this encroached into out-of-work hours/days (weekends and annual leave) then I'd feel they had overstepped boundaries and would ask it to stop.

Ive always had good relationships with both men and women at work, including banter etc but would never flirt or respond to anyone if outside of work time unless absolutely necessary or 100% work emergency related. If this is the case I'd try not to worry.

No they are on the same level. I really don't think there is more than friendship involved they just get along and have banter. He has spoken to her and explained he won't be speaking to her anymore. Her response was that she understands and genuinely saw herself as one of the boys at work

If it makes you uncomfortable he should do everything in his power to limit contact with her. It’s just basic courtesy in a marriage to respect each other

Sounds like it's just a friendship with a work colleague that he gets on with. Why were you checking his phone?

I was sending photos to myself when a message popped up from her about an exam for work she had taken as my husband had asked how it went

to be fair, in my 20s and early 30s I spoke to male colleagues like this all day long - it's just how you get through the day!

I think the messaging is fine it's the not telling me about it which is leading to mistrust. He also got a lift back from the pub once as she was not drinking and did not tell me

Married men with pregnant wives really shouldn't be forming close friendships or be out socialising with young, single, female work colleagues.

It's just not the done thing.

I think it is strange that he messages her soooo much in a day, she is obviously one of his favourite work colleagues, but he has never mentioned her to you. I assume you know the names of other people he works with because he talks to you about them?

He didn’t take you for a reason because he didn’t want you to know because deep down he knows it’s wrong. He is showing you a total lack of respect. Nip this in the bud he nerds to be open with his phone, teams messaging this has the potential to become something else so he needs to put in boundaries with this “close”” friend now. The fact you don’t like it should be enough for him not to want to destroy his relationship with you. Get a copy of “nnot just friends “ by S Glsss & ask him to read it. It always starts with “were just friends, its just banter” bla bla before it becomes a full affair

OP isn't saying people can't have work mates of the opposite sex who are just friends.

She is concerned because her DH has a good friend at work, but he has never mentioned her. That can be a red flag, if he typically chats about Jim said this, June did that etc but never mentions someone he is getting non-work-related messages from continually during the working day.

That is dodgy. It is odd to hide that detail. It's the kind of info you proffer naturally in convo.

" Did you have a good evening, love?"

"Yes, thanks. Had a couple of pints so Sue gave meva lift back."

I don't think your spidey senses are wrong here about him hiding her.

Yes it's the fact he didn't mention a young woman he is messaging very frequently and who he is socialising with in the office and in his leisure time in the pub that really rings alarm bells OP.

If she was just another work friend he would have mentioned her. And the fact he is messaging her so frequently shows she is on his mind a lot.

You are pregnant with hus child and yet he is focusing on a woman outside his marriage and keeping it secret from you. If he values you and his marriage he should cool his relationship with this woman.

Eta the fact he didn't even mention she gave him a lift home shows the secrecy was not accidental.

He has stopped talking and told me he won't be going to the pub anymore . Would you be able to move past this? I just feel like I can't but that might be the hormones talking

It’s especially hurtful when you are pregnant. Don’t rush into anything. See how it plays out. I’d guess, despite her being ‘one of the boys’ they messaged much more than he has with other work colleagues.

Of course he’s crossed a line. Take your time.

Yes I would be worried. It’s how my ExH’s affair began. I had a gut feeling which I ignored and convinced myself I was being jealous and paranoid. Very nearly destroyed me at the time.