How to stop my separated husband treating the house as home

[Dizzyfloss]

Hi! My husband of 10 years moved out 10 days ago. It was relatively quick, I suggested separation, thinking he'd be blindsided.... but he just said "OK", found a flat, and left.

He continues to come to do a handful of school runs and take the kids to 1 evening club.

The thing that's really bugging me is when he comes in to get the kids ready to go to school/the club, he helps himself to toast/drinks/food. He sits down on the sofa, eating food, making himself at home, leaves dirty plate and cup on sofa.

For context he now lives about 2 miles away but refuses to tell me the exact address. Refused to let his kids see it either. He says "not enough time" to eat at home before picking up kids.

When he took my son out recently, bought himself a beer but refused to buy him a drink - son went went thirsty!

I really want to discourage him coming in the house at all, but eager not to have kids see awkwardness. How can I ideally non-verbally give a signal that he needs to stop helping himself to my food and still treating it as home, since HE was the one who left us and he now has a new home?

It sounds like he's moved in with another woman. Otherwise why wouldn't he have the kids around to his new place, show them their new rooms etc.

Can you hand over the kids to him at the door? I can't believe his cheek to eat your food and leave dirty crockery around your house! In your position I think I'd leave a pair of men's boxers on the floor in the living room for him to 'find'. Disrespectful oaf.

Can you text him and explain that it’s confusing for the kids and a guest wouldn’t just help themselves so he can’t either.

Does he still have a key? Change the locks. He rings the doorbell and waits for someone to answer. If the weather’s bad, he can come into the foyer whilst DC grabs shoes, etc. My parents are divorced and this is how it worked with my parents. He has no business in the kitchen or lounge.

Or he pulls into the drive and sends a text.

Is he a joint owner/tenant

Well, do you (both) own the house or rent? If you both own it, he’s entitled to use it as his home as much as you. Under no circumstances can you change the locks.

It's not his home if he's found himself another (secret) address though, is it?

You stop letting him in! He won't suddenly become considerate, so you have to change what you do! It's not making things awkward for the kids to see you enforce boundaries - you aren't engaging in full character assassination, just stopping this cheeky fucker from taking the piss. He sounds like a crap dad anyway, so why are you busting a gut to maintain contact? That's his job and he'll either be bothered to do it or not. It's out of your control. But what you can control is him coming and going at will.

Who owns the house? If it's jointly owned then you may need to get a solicitor involved - my friend stopped her ex from coming and going at will once he'd moved out by getting some 'right to privacy' ruling iirc. She still had to buy him out of his share but it meant he couldn't just let himself in once he'd officially moved out.

Who owns the house any pays the mortgage

it’s bad of him to eat your food- but if he is still on the deeds etc he is still entitled to access to property

on a different note it sounds a bit like you were pushing for some kind of “ or else “ ultimatum and he has picked the “or else “ option, you could ask him to leave his keys behind so he cannot let himself in ( don’t change the locks)

Regardless of the ownership of the house, he is not entitled to help himself to OP’s food and drink, and then leave dirty dishes by the couch.

And buying himself a beer but not his ds a drink is pretty shitty behaviour.

Once he sees a solicitor he'll likely move back in as it's a marital asset that will need sold/one person buys the other out. Will you be able to get a mortgage/tenancy by yourself?
Tell him to stop stealing your food and leaving dishes lying around.

If he is on the deeds etc , still his property/ house even if not his “home “ any longer.
the best option would be for him to voluntarily hand the keys back and then be let in as and when needed

So he's moved out but is not having his DC for overnights? Are there any plans for that to change? I hope you've got your CMS claim in if he's doing barely any parenting.

Have the children ready, & they exit the house as soon as you open the door to him.

Ok for him to come in if he is joint owner. Not ok for rest of stuff obvs

You suggested separation but you're now complaining HE left you?
That comment makes it sound like you're looking for something else to be mad at because he didn't cry and beg to stay.
Did you genuinely want to separate or were you looking for a reaction?
You need to work on a suitable plan for the DC to see their dad away from the family home if you don't want him to treat the place like home. Have you spoke about what will happen with the family home? About child maintenance? This is all quite new, the focus should probably be on productive conversation about separation rather than complaints about him eating there.

Ask him for the keys, of course he can refuse if he is joint owner, but he may want to play fair.
He obviously has no right to eat your food or leave a mess.

Wow... thanks for your sympathy. 🙄
Yes, it was me who suggested separation. I wasn't just looking for reaction but maybe a discussion to see if our decade of marriage was salvageable. But he left without so much as a word, so I'm still trying to get my head around it - and so are his (primary aged) kids. I'm dealing with the fallout.

OP - he didn’t leave you as YOU suggested separation.

And I presume given it’s all very recent - he is still paying for the house, and contributes to the family budget.

There is no your house in this scenario.

Mine was the same at first until I pointed out that he had privacy from me at his new flat but I had none from him.
He accepted that & then agreed to always let me know when he was on his way to the house & to ring the doorbell, not used his key.
I do invite him in sometimes but that's under my control these days.

Of course he left the OP - he didn't want to stay, probably has another woman in the picture (given the speed with which he left and his reluctance to let anyone know where he lives). OP was just the one who called it first. You don't have to physically leave a house to have left a relationship!

And regardless of whose house it is, if he's moved out, she has a right to privacy and to not have him using her stuff like he's the one paying for it!

See a solicitor asap and get this sorted!

Unless the police would allow him to physically break in, I prob would change the locks and make him take me to court if he wants access. That would at least force him to disclose his address and you would have some time to get child support claims done.

Actually it's not. She's entitled to privacy and to enjoy her home. His behaviour is abusive and he has moved out.

Can you put locks on your cupboards and fridge? As other posters have said, if he is still on the mortgage/deeds, you can't change the locks to keep him out of your home.

His behaviour towards your son when he bought himself a drink but refused to buy one for your son is disgraceful and bordering on abusive. It all seems aimed at upsetting you.

I totally get why you suggested separation. Your husband does sound like a douche. I would just say hey we need to have some rules as Im struggling with this emotionally and go from there. He didn't fight and to find and move in 10 days is VERY suss to me.

There’s another woman and he moved in with her.
tell him he’s no longer welcome in the home or to stop helping himself to food he no longer lives there and your not a hotel!

This is what caught my eye too, and that OP expected him to be blindsided?