Finding friendships over 50 so hard and changing!

[Pippaandme]

Hello! is it just me or are friendships either hard work or maybe there is something wrong with me?

I am questioning lots of things here 😃....Im in my early 50s and my old friendship groups have changed and I really struggle to make new ones, I often wonder if its because I dont really drink or enjoy that social aspect alongside drinking many of my other friends do enjoy.

I had a best friend, since I was 25, there were x4 of us always going out, but we grew apart 4 years ago, due to her new husband, his drinking, her drinking and her lifestyle was so different to mine. I miss her as a friend but I felt we were too different in the end, they all still go out heavy drinking and weekends away.

I then joined this lovely lady's group near me but ended up being so clicky and 2 ladies were real bullies where a majority of us ended up leaving as it was becoming uncomfortable at times being there. Those 2 bullies are still there and many of the girls have now gone, such a shame!

I have the odd friend here and there I see but its always me reaching out to them to organise something and felt one sided and put on me to organise which I dont mind but would like to hear from them too.....

I have a passion for sport, running, tennis and love my dog and walking. I use to be a member of a running club, but since 2 years ago I had an injury and met my lovely fiance so havent had a chance to go back plus its mainly male dominated now arghh!!! 😩

So Im a bit lost, any suggestions where you guys have met new friends, over 50?

My partner has all his from his school days, ones he has met locally who always like a good natter and beer with him too, but unless i have a glass of wine or into fitness, etc I am worried I come across boring . I do love other things too, theatre, spa's you know, the usual girlie things!!

I met some lovely girls in the old running club, we shared loads in common, but they have now moved away with their jobs or new partners. So wondering what else to do or look at? Suggestions or help re friends as a whole would be lovely 😆Im starting to think is it me??😅

It probably isn’t you but might be worth considering if eg you are judging people who drink/ are less fit than you
it is surely unusual to fall out with longstanding friends

I'm 53. Sometimes I drink. but sometimes I don't for months at a time, and I don't notice the slightest difference in my friendships. No one makes you drink alcohol if you go to a pub -- last time I was buying a round I noticed how many of the specific group I was with that night were on 0% beer or gin, which they say is improving rapidly.

There's nothing stopping you going on weekends away with your old best friend and not drinking.

Go back to your running club. Make friends with men. I'd be much the poorer without my male friendships. Do you have a Park Run in your neighbourhood? A friend of mine set up one in a town she'd just moved to, and knows loads of people through that. Is there a tennis club locally?

And why not reconnect with the women's group where most of the members left because of the two unpleasant members -- wouldn't it seem like an obvious next step to suggest a get together of the other people who left?

In general, I would think about what kind of person you are drawn to, and where you're likely to meet them. Also, what you bring to a friendship yourself -- what kind of person would like you?

Perhaps this is the time to try something you’ve not done before. Perhaps take up a musical instrument, join the WI, volunteer for a local community group such as a nature reserve or youth group, or a charity that interests you. You could see if there’s a branch of the Art Society near you.

I moved away to a completely new part of the country and although I knew my DH I didn’t know anyone else and didn’t just want to tag along with him all the time. So I joined the local brass band (I’d played a different instrument when at school) and started practicing. I also volunteered for front of house and backstage roles with the local AmDram group. I was still working and put my name down for every social event going at work. It took about 3 years to feel like I had a circle of friends (and it was never quite the same as friends from my youth) but was worth it. My DH was very supportive and helped organise lots of BBQs and social gatherings for my crowd at our house, which also helped.

It is harder to make new friends when you are older but not impossible. You do have to do a lot of the legwork though and put a lot of energy into things; be seen as interested, open-minded and enthusiastic, not talking about yourself too much, rolling up your sleeves and helping out when possible.

Thank you, we just grew apart in the end with different interests and I never judged them per se just never enjoyed the big drinking sessions, they knew this too as I couldnt keep up 😅

thank you this is lovely advice!!

Friends hard at our age. I met a few through walking. Odd coffee with them. I cut back with a few was always me doing chasing. Its hard op isnt it. One friend great for cinema etc

Walking group, a different running club, tennis club? I totally get the drinking thing, so hard if you aren't wired that way

I’m 52 & have made women friends over the past few years through women’s rights campaigning & volunteering.

It's a left field thought, but you talk about 'girls' and 'girlie' things and 'ladies groups. Is it possible that some women your age don't like being described in this way? Surely by our fifties we have earned the right to be women.

Hi, I wouldnt know, nobody has ever mentioned it or said it or been offended by it, that was just me talking in random terms! As in women like theatre but not all this is just me liking girlie things, spa's too not every woman just me! 😊

new running club perhaps? Parkruns?

I don’t think the pp meant that so such as your repeated use of ‘girls’ which some women could find irritating even if they were too polite to mention it.

I've made plenty of friends since passing 50, and none of them involve drinking.
That does seem a bit of a red herring.

What is stopping you meeting your longstanding friend for a coffee or a lunch or to go out for the day somewhere of interest ?

Agree with pp that I wouldn't discount somebody being my friend just because he were a man. If you enjoy running, then why stop going to the running club ?

But joining things that interest you (the volunteering front of house for am-dram is an excellent idea, for example) means that you are enjoying the time you spend doing it whether you become good friends with people there or not.

Unfortunately it isn't unusual at all. Some people just change beyond recognition, be it because of new partners and their influence, suddenly finding religion or falling prey to conspiracy theories. I have seen a good number of longterm friendships end around me and have lost 2 longstanding friends myself despite best efforts to salvage them. One became extremely religious, homophobic because of that and prone to conspiracy theories. The other was slowly poisoned by a new partner and broke with all her former friends.

Interesting
In My 50’s and still have a core group of school friends
Ok some ups and downs over the 40 years,but I can’t imagine anything happening now would change our friendship

I thankfully have 4 very good friends as well, two almost 40 years from school and 2 about 20 years since our kids were babies. Unfortunately I have also lost two longstanding friends as mentioned - one was maiden of honour at my wedding 26 years ago, the other my best friend for 20 years and even lived with me for a couple of years. I could have never imagined that friendship ending, but sadly it's not impossible. And heartbreaking. Hope it never happens to your friendships.

I do have an answer to this. Make guy friends! I have so many male friends through my children’s male dominated sport and my god it’s so much more fun and easy conversation wise. I still have loads of fantastic women friends, don’t get me wrong, but if I were out there finding female relationships a hard slog I’d take up a male dominated sport.

Thank you for this as you are spot on this has happened to my friends too, re changes and meeting new partnerships too and circumstances change, mostly new partnerships and moving away. You are right about influence, even when trying to salvage them 100%! Sorry you went through this too! Hope you have new friends in the picture now for you

lol I love this!! I might just go back into that new running club nearby 😃

still not too sure what this has to do with meeting new friends?? this might be more personal to you perhaps or its offended you and if it has Im sorry 🙁

I'd suggest taking the pressure of yourself a bit by seeking social connections rather than friends - get involved in some local activities (whatever you enjoy) and try & get a buzz from other people's company and conversation. A few friendships might emerge naturally later, but it IS harder as you get older .
Re your longstanding friend, could you suggest something to her that doesn't involve heavy drinking? Keep the friendship alive without the pressure to do things that don't suit you e.g. the weekends away. It's a shame to lose a friendship if it could be saved.

I think that poster is just suggesting that you might be putting off potential women friends if you are using language like ‘girlie things’ and describing women in their fifties as ‘girls’ or ‘ladies’ in RL, or if you having a category of ‘girlie things’ means you’re overlooking men as potential friends.

Especially as your enthusiasms appear gender-neutral — sport, running, tennis.

i mean, if I heard someone I just met unironically using the phrase ‘girlie things’, it would be an indication I’d be highly unlikely to be meeting a kindred spirit.

I thankfully have 4 very good friends as well, two almost 40 years from school and 2 about 20 years since our kids were babies. Unfortunately I have also lost two longstanding friends as mentioned - one was maiden of honour at my wedding 26 years ago, the other my best friend for 20 years and even lived with me for a couple of years. I could have never imagined that friendship ending, but sadly it's not impossible. And heartbreaking. Hope it never happens to your friendships.

Hard at times my friends are juggling elder parents or minding grandkids. People keen for meetups then nothing no reply. Met nice girl from my school year same thing had fizzled out. Seemed keen to keep in touch. I feel I do things on my own now as less drama Im 53

Hasn't offended me, but personally I would not want to be invited to 'girls weekends' and so on at my age, and some other women feel the same way. Just a thought.