Husband doesn’t want another child but I do

[MissLB]

We have a beautiful little girl together that we tried really hard to make. My husband doesn’t want to go through trying again but I always envisioned more children. He’s an only child and can’t see the benefit of having siblings whereas I’ve come from a bigger family and realky lean on my siblings for support and vice versa.
we agreed we’d try for 6 months and then stop if it doesn’t happen but I’m really struggling with this.
it’s like grieving a life I thought I’d have. This agreement was very much a compromise for both of us as well. Plus I’d say 2/6 months he was unwell around the time we need to try and it didn’t happen.
im struggling to be intimate because all the hope I had whenever we did has gone.
i know it’s not something we can compromise on
he questioned tonight if i wanted to move on with someone else but i can’t do that to my daughter. he’s a great husband as well but I don’t want to build any resentment. Has anyone been through this?

You could try saying - we agreed to actually try to 6 mo - and we didn't, as it doesn't count if you were unwell.
And try for a bit longer - but make sure you properly test for ovulation to make it count.

But as you said you had to try really hard for your first child - I don't know if it meant time, or you had to use medical intervention. But regardless - another pregnancy may or may not even be possible.

So - I'd say - see if you can negotiate a bit and bring back the original agreement of "6mo". And, btw - he must be on some level not against another child. But putting the limit on "trying" - may be more about not living with a STRESS and pressure of trying. Having to have sex on particular timeline, etc. Men hate it.

So - maybe - I'd even try to have a conversation on removing the "trying" and just going with the flow. Not using contraception, but not being militant about trying.
(of course - you can still test ovulation, but not tell him to remove the pressure. and just gently encourage him at the right time....)

I struggle to understand why you married him given completely different views on having children.

I agree with pp that not actively trying bit not using contraception may be the sensible route if it’s just the stress of trying that’s putting him off? Although if you do have a second do you think you will be content or are you likely to end up having the same debate again about whether to have a third

It’s difficult. My ex and I always said we would have 2 kids (I already had an older son by 11yrs, and so we were limited on space) but our relationship was rocky after DS. After 2.5yrs when I mentioned ttc he said he had changed his mind. I was quite upset, but decided to accept it after a few days of heated arguments.

The very next day after a major heart to heart where I said I accepted his decision he asked me to meet him for lunch at work, and said he had changed his mind and wanted a baby. I was fuming inside as it was clear to me it was a control thing, and that proved it. I know having another child in a fragile relationship wasn’t the best idea, but he adored our DD once she was here, and even though we did split when she was 2, we have always remained close as co-parents and he has admitted over the years he wanted another child but was doing it to get back at me (he did far worse than this later on, which caused the final split, but we have always pit the kids first and moved on from any past behaviour). Kids are 21 & 18 now.

Sorry long winded, but I understand how hurtful it can feel when you want different things. Is your DH worried because of the stress of TTC again? Can you reassure him that as you already have a child, it won’t be as pressured. It does feel cruel to offer a set period. I know the hormonal pull for another child was so strong for me, and i’d have been crushed if he set a deadline. I think you should mention the 2 months he was sick and see if he is prepared to TTC a little longer. Have you had a heart to heart on how much this means to you?

I always said I would never marry anyone who didn't want a big family and turned down two relationships because of that...Finally found my dh and we have our family of 9 from ages 2-16 ...I come from a big family, adore all my siblings and am lucky we all support each other well....I'm the only one who chose to have children as my other siblings didn't want any so ours get a little spoilt staying away at all there uncles and aunties..
But ye I would never have wanted just one, my dread was one when my time to go and they have no support

Is it that he doesn’t want try for another baby or doesn’t want another child? Those are pretty different, one lasts a few months plus 9 months of pregnancy. The other is a life time commitment. Did you talk about having children before you got together?

The fact he’s prepared to walk away shows how strongly he feels
some dreadful advice about not calling it trying and things like this
it’s not just about getting pregnant it’s a lifetime commitment to a child you don’t want

you ether accept it or leave

Don't try and don't talk about it. If if happens it happens, if it doesn't that's just how it is.

Concentrate on your existing child and making each other happy.

We’d agreed on two but he’s changed his mind because of stress of TTC the first

He doesn’t want to try because it was difficult last time and probably would be again. but I’m more hopeful.
he’s openly said if it was easy he’d be more up for it but he is happy to stop at one abd can’t be moved now

In that case then perhaps not actively trying is the best way forward. Don’t count dates, monitor ovulation just stop all contraception and carry on as normal. Sometimes when you take the pressure away it just happens

Yeah we have. I’ve had a few meltdowns. He knows o feel very strongly about it

Not sure how well this would work as he just pulls out

I have 5 siblings - they are a nightmare and have caused no end of pain in my life - you can’t choose your family and when things go wrong it’s very painful. You have indeed been lucky but a big family is not always the answer - it’s often the problem.

How was your relationship when you were TTC? Was the TTC all consuming? I can see it from both sides. We tried for DD for 3 years, ended up conceiving naturally after just going for all the tests etc. When the medical stuff started I told DH that I wasn’t willing to dedicate years of my life to something that might never happen so I put a timeline of 12 months on it then wanted to stop. We were lucky and got pregnant straight away after that and with DS we only tried for 2 months so much different but I get that TTC can be stressful and take over your life. Are you able to ‘go with the flow’ or do you feel you would be obsessing over it?

Our relationship was fine but I wasn’t which is part of his issue. There were probably times when we were TTC where I thought one would be enough as I didn’t think that would happen.
mid be happy to go with the flow. I feel like all my hope has just been taken away from me. Two might never happen anyway

He just pulls out? So he says he doesn’t want to try because it’s stressful trying and not that he doesn’t want another child. But yet he’s actively making the process more difficult and therefore stressful? There’s definitely something more going on here.

This is so weird. What exactly has been difficult about TTC? I mean TTC will always be difficult if you’re pulling out. Or are you saying that is his new tactic now to prevent you getting pregnant?

It took us more than two years last time and was stressful.

Yeah we tried the whole trying but not trying for a few months and then he decided he wanted to stop.
I can’t do condoms and won’t go back on the pill because that’s not what I want so he’s started pulling out.

So actually he doesn't want another baby because he is worried about you being unwell.
There's a lot to unpack here. He sounds worried and very serious in his position given he said you could walk away if you wanted.
Please do not follow all the advice on trying to dupe him. You need to work on your relationship and being open with each other. You've already indicated your desire for sex is low if it's not for a baby. This is a big deal!

What was so difficult about ttc previously? I thought you meant ivf or something like that.
He’s pulling out but that means you’re not seeing what happens he is trying to prevent a pregnancy

It’s a big mind shift because sex is the only way of getting what I would like and when we have sex it reminds me of those feelings. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it in the moment. Afterwards I feel sad because of how it ends and then don’t want to go again for a while

He’s only started pulling out recently.
it took us over two years and we were on the waiting list for IVF. It was a very stressful situation. That was what was difficult

I do understand, your desire for a baby is strong. But you are possibly giving off these vibes? He may just sense things are off. Remember he is also worried about you being unwell, I am not sure how ill you got but if it was really bad this may be playing on his mind.
I guess all I am saying is that the relationship needs to be really solid before bringing another child into it.