How do I end it with this man

[Stoprightnoww]

Divorced 7 months. Met up with a man I’ve known years about 7 weeks ago, been going on dates and to his house, he comes to mine and the sex is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced. The thing is when I come home from seeing him I feel
so emotional, can’t stop crying, irritable and waiting for him to text and when he does I get a big relief. He’s not good for my mental health and I don’t know why. I need to probably stop seeing him don’t I. I should probably just enjoy the time with him but I feel like I’m getting attached and maybe he isn’t.

This sounds very unhealthy and you are no where near ready to date.

Drop him a line “so enjoyed our time together but I am not in the right head space for any kind of relationship atm. Sorry to do this over messaging but I am not strong enough atm to do in person. Take care”

I feel like if I message him something like this I’ll be debated because I do love the time I spend with him. I’m a total mess about it and I don’t understand why. I don’t even know if he wants a relationship it’s more of a casual dating/sex and maybe that’s why I’m getting so emotional

Do you have kids? Good friends?

In the 7 weeks since you first met up…. What have you actually done with him? How by times together?

We both have kids to our divorced partners and have been friends for years. we go out once or twice a week usually for drinks, food or to one of our houses

I’ve not heard from him since I left his yesterday morning and I’m sat staring at my phone waiting for him to call

Ok so this 100% is not healthy. You have children and 7 weeks in to a relationship you sound beside yourself.

Send the message and focus on yourself and kids and building up an of pendent life post divorce. rather than another man

work?

Sorry, I swear I'm not a pervert, but are you doing certain sex acts with him that get you high in the moment but leave you sad afterwards? That can be a "drop" and if he's going to do things like that he needs to stick around afterwards until you've come down properly, and if he doesn't realise this, or care, then he has no business doing it.

Or perhaps, as you say, it is just that you're in deeper than he is? Either way he ought not to be leaving you in that state.

What you're describing sounds more like developing addiction than developing love.

Well, the guy isn’t psychic, so he’s not necessarily going to know that the OP is feeling like this unless she’s told him, and after seven weeks, I can’t imagine most people would assume anyone’s in this deep?

OP, you need to get a handle on this, but I’m concerned that when you say you need to end things, what you’re actually hoping is that he’ll declare he’s in love with you.

If you end things, and it sounds as if you should, you need to do it in the expectation that it actually ends.

It’s the oxytocin, dopamine and pheromones, after the hurt of divorce your body is going mental, don’t beat yourself up, get into the gym and/or other exercises that release same chemicals.

do you remember the teenage crush angst? It’s basically that. Don’t do anything drastic, step away from the phone, get busy, practice being aloof and enjoy the time with this guy. After a long relationship it’s normal to try to piece that together again, try not to me we tally create a future together until you know where this is going. Get him to date you, not just shag you. There’s loads of good film and theatre at the moment

This makes absolute sense. With my husband I led a very boring if non-existing sex life so with him the sex is amazing. When you say certain sex acts, what do you mean. I’ve led a sheltered life in that regard

I think pp means that if he's engaging in BDSM practices with OP that involve pain, humiliation, or control, then she may be experiencing what people call 'sub drop' if he's not giving her 'aftercare' - which he should be doing as standard if he's going to engage in such things.

I imagine, however, that's likely not the case, and OP is just becoming too intensely involved due to other factors. She definitely needs to take a step back and explore why she's feeling such intensity after such a short time, and what it is that she's lacking emotionally in herself that he's fulfilling in her own mind. Being desired? Being valued? Having a second chance at love? Etc.

Ah, OK. That hadn’t occurred to me!

Yes, that's what I was alluding to. I didn't want to sound like a Herbert but perhaps I should have been more specific. Obviously don't give more detail than you want to. It's just something I felt I ought to ask about because those sorts of acts are designed to cause intense highs but yes, he absolutely shouldn't be just sodding off afterwards because it causes that drop, and if he doesn't know or care about that then he's got no business doing it.

But as PP says, perhaps it's nothing like that and it really is just that the relationship is more intense for you than for him. 7 months isn't at all long after a divorce and many people would be in prime rebound headspace, which can make you very vulnerable to falling deeply and quickly.

But whatever it is, it should not be leaving you feeling like this - hell, it's supposed to be nice - and if you don't feel able to have an honest conversation about it, that doesn't bode well, especially since, at just a few weeks in, it shouldn't be too serious on any level.

Addiction isn't love.

You can tell him you've realised it's simply too soon for you at the moment, you're only very recently divorced, and you simply aren't ready yet. That's a perfectly fine reason to give.

How do you regulate your emotions? Could you go for a run / to the gym / long walk in the countryside to burn off the intensity of your feelings?

Thank you so much for this. It makes perfect sense. Im going to message him later. I just know after I send the message I will struggle. I’ve always been quite an anxious and emotional person but never to this extent. It helps to talk on here about it.

I’m currently sat in work trying to hold it together. I’ll be finishing soon so going to do a class at the gym afterwards - tht always helps.

As a poster above has eluded to, you’re experiencing the start of an addiction to the dopamine, it’s the same as any drug

ghe highs and excitement and dopamine hit of being with this man and the “come down” afterwards, you’re waiting for your next hit and the text provides that exactly as if your swallowing or snorting the drug

recognise it for what it is, take care

Thank you so much for this. It makes so sense and I’ve never looked at it like this. I need to cut contact from him. I just couldn’t ever imagine another man making me feel like he does.

The fact that you recognise it's unhealthy and are looking to end it shows great self awareness and strength.

If it's what it sounds like to me, he has no damn business doing this with someone for whom the ink is barely dry on the decree absolute and in whom it is prompting this response. Don't let it consume you. It isn't what it feels like.

I don’t know that you need to stop, you need to think about it in terms of addiction and find other sources of dopamine, like the gym, self care etc

and speak to him in time about what he is looking for, this reward seeking behaviour is normal for someone who has been so deprived but if you can recognise and balance this dopamine addiction it could really be helpful

trust me I’ve been there, drive myself insane

Really appreciate all the messages and it makes absolutely sense the “addiction” and I have never thought of it like that. It’s really hard because I like him so much and he is gorgeous. That makes it much harder

I’m not quite divorced yet but going through the same high highs and crushing lows as you. I’ve not even started seeing anyone yet but even messaging is setting me off into dopamine addiction, craving their replies and chasing the high. When you’ve been so wounded by divorce, your self esteem is low, and you crave validation and attention. It’s a natural psychological reaction.

So yeah, right there with you OP, and it’s great that you’ve recognised this in yourself this early on. You should give yourself a pat on the back for that.

You also briefly mentioned feeling like a teenager. I’ve got a theory about this - hear me out! You know how celebrities get arrested development from the moment they become famous? So Justin Bieber still acts like a kid, Taylor Swift is a lovesick 15 year old, Leo DiCaprio is stuck dating 25 year olds forever?

I think it’s the same with dating. So, I first met my husband at 19 - and now I’ve been plopped right back into that headspace. Boy crazy and obsessing over eye contact again 😂 is this hitting a mark?

I can understand that... now you know why people don't drop other drugs in the early stages either. You still get very high, a feeling you don't think you'll ever get again any other way, and it's, well, addictive.

But if it's obvious to me that it's much too soon after your divorce, then it ought to be obvious to him too. Eventually the lows simply will not be worth enduring. The law of diminishing returns starts up. Right now you're chasing a high you can still get; as the addiction continues, you start desperately chasing a high that you come to realise you've not actually had for ages and now you just need it to feel normal. And in the meantime, your perception of everything becomes skewed.

It's addiction.