Is this a mid life crisis or realisation that I’ve messed up?

[Alexahelp]

Just turned 40 (not fussed bout this as a bday!) married with two early school age kids. Been with lovely DH bit over 10 yrs. He is solvent, dependable, kind, we coparent really well. We both work, we could both afford to live alone, I do all the house admin and direct the main life decisions which he goes along with. This has always been the case (and a source of frustration) - I also asked him out and started the relationship in the first place. We got on and just never split up.

He is very different to many of my previous boyfriends in my 20s. Most of these were unreliable but fun relationships with men who were popular with girls, but I didn’t struggle really for dates - but the last one I was extremely hurt by and retreated into myself. I know my ‘safe’ and a bit more passive DH was an active decision to prioritise stability after that relationship. I chose him for a reason and perhaps suppressed some of the differences I saw in us.

Since kids have been more independent, I have deeply enjoyed reconnecting with my social side which gives me a huge natural buzz. DH doesn’t want to make new friends and struggles to enjoy new social situations. I feel like we are doing our lives separately. I want to socialise as a family as well as alone and he wants to relax at home.

I have also met a couple of men recently I have developed strong attractions for. I haven’t acted on these but I know they have been reciprocated. These men have both been the exact personality I got on with before - but now simply a bit older and so ready for more stability. I cannot stop thinking that I jumped into a situation with DH that I thought was the right thing to do, but compromised my natural personality in the process. Now I’m out the baby years, it’s all coming home to roost and I have potentially messed up for all of us - but I feel trapped in the need to compromise with him, or do things for myself entirely without him. I don’t think that’s what a relationship should bring.

What would you do? I care a lot about him but 40-50 years to go is a long time to compromise.

A couple of men? Sounds busy. Leave your husband if your not happy and then you can date multiple
men!!

You were attracted to unreliable men.

sensibly you chose not to have children with any of them and chose a man who seems from what you say to be a good dad.

now your kids are a bit older it sounds like you want stuff for you again and are back into the fancying unreliable men.

well, it’s up to you.

can you afford to be a single parent?
you chose him for kids not one of the others (and presumably you’d be in a lot worse situation if you had picked an unreliable one).

If you don’t think the relationship is right, then end it before it becomes hostile. It sounds like if the relationship ended well that you could continue to be very good coparents separately and both be free to live your lives. You deserve to not have regrets, your DH deserves someone who can’t imagine not being with him and your children deserve happy parents who can give their best to them.

Sounds like you’re rewriting history to justify an affair/breakup to be honest. If you want to go in that direction then do, but don’t follow the script.

Your husband doesn’t have to do everything with you- you can have an active social life and make new friends. Doesn’t mean you have to shag them.

It sounds as if you’re expecting him to meet every need- love, practical support, co-parenting, social life etc etc. and he can’t but neither could the unreliable boyfriends you had before and I suspect you’d find life a lot worse with one of them. There may well but a bit of mid life crisis going on- that’s ok, it’s just your subconscious trying to tell you what’s missing- but you can fill the gap without blowing everything up.

I would try to identify what’s missing and find ways to meet that need without risking your marriage. You can be more sociable and adventurous without throwing everything away. At the risk of sounding negative, I fear you would very quickly regret it, especially trying to make something work with an unreliable new partner while also being a single mum. I think that would get very tiring very quickly.

I can afford to be a single parent yes and also am under no illusions that I would be in any way a catch for most men in my age bracket as a single parent. And I know I am objectively really lucky, which is why I’m finding this such a challenge.

I knew I’d get really varied opinions on this so thank you. I certainly won’t be justifying an affair and am quite pragmatic that you’re always going to find others attractive in a LTR, but the intensity of this has taken me quite by surprise. About 6m ago I made a conscious decision to focus on my social needs independently- as I know this can’t necessarily be fulfilled as a couple - and since then I am certainly happier, but also more detached, hence the current feelings.

I feel sad for your husband, poor man 😕 If you don’t want to be with him let him find someone else more reliable and loyal.

You're a married woman, to a good man, and have a home and a family together. How many lives are you willing to negatively impact (ie tear apart) so you can relive your youth?

I get where you’re coming from.

i think you (and me) need to direct the energy somewhere which is both fulfilling but not destructive to our children.

I considering marathon running, hyrox, that sort of thing. What did “old” you like to do or wish she had the resources to try?

You can’t eat your cake and still have it. If you’re going to leave him, do it soon so that he has the best chance of finding someone who will appreciate what you used to about him.

You are right it is an energy. I feel like the Hulk 😂

This is a good idea, I was much calmer when running regularly last year but got injured.

You're not happy, you're not looking forward to a future with DH, so, as PPs have said, leave.
Just don't leave assuming that one of these men you're attracted to will have everything DH has (kindness, dependability, solvency, parenting skills) PLUS the pizzazz he lacks. We can't pick and choose qualities in people like omelette fillings in a restaurant. As well, people bring things along with them, such as children from a previous relationship. And it's not clear from your post whether you actually know that age has made these men ready for stability.

You havn't messed up but you are about to.

Hurtling towards heartache with players.

You arn't equipped believe me, or else you would have been with one of these types already.

Your children will suffer.

If a man posted this he would be slated for being selfish!

I had a big peak in finding other men attractive from when Inwas about 40-45.

personally I’d recommend a good vibrator.

Please don't throw a grenade into your marriage and implode your dc's lives. You don't know what you have until you lose it.

Around your age (40s), the body is winding down towards menopause. You may suddenly feel a surge of hormones as your body makes one last concerted bid for sexual liberation. This is just a feeling. Don't be fooled. This too shall pass. You will be glad you waited and then wonder in hindsight what the hell was that all about.

Or you may be a single parent forcing your dcs to live in 2 different households and be edged out by your ex'es new partner and baby whilst you get dumped by yet another player.

but now simply a bit older and so ready for more stability

Oh REALLY!?
Says who? Them I imagine. If so, I wouldn't count on that as the truth. More like they're ready to a wife on their arm whilst they continue being a playboy on the internet.

It’s interesting how much everyone has picked up on the attractions - I was so frustrated last year before any of that happened I was considering suggesting separation and saw no appeal in any other men (ever). This is a fairly new development.

That said, lots of food for thought and I imagine a lot of you are right when you talk about the biology of what might be causing this too.

The do you love your husband? Not the intense passion of the first few years but do you love him , enjoy being with him? Do you find him attractive and if not do you think with more time and effort on both sides could you get it back ? I doubt , based on people’s experiences , there is much better out there but if you don’t love him and are happy to be alone save for a few casual relationships then maybe leaving is best. Just don’t be under any illusions there is much better out there. There is usually a v good reason why a man is single in his 40’s. Yes there is the odd diamond but generally they fall into a few unsavoury categories

The world's hottest man could not tempt me back into the 40 something dating market. It's a hellscape. In a few years you'll be in a situationship with some dodgepot player, feeling very undignified.
If you truly do not love your husband then think about ending things. But I think you'll soon see the real side of these guys you are eyeing up.

The internet is rammed full of stories about women who leave lovely men to look for a bit of excitement and then massively regret it. They find men who want fun but nothing else, they miss the reliability, the comfort and the shared objectives. Most try to go back but the lovely man, quite rightly doesn’t want them. They reap what they sow.

I’m not saying don’t leave if that’s what you want but you must be realistic, the dating pool for over 40’s is bloody awful and nothing like when you’re in your twenties.

Read up about the 80/20 rule in relationships, you’ll realise your husband meets 80% of your needs but you concentrate on the 20% he doesn’t.

Be careful what you seek, you may find it.

Why didn’t you marry any of these exciting men from your 20s? I dated all sorts of fun, exciting people in my 20s. They caused me all sorts of drama and heartache and every single one of them cheated on me or was a controlling idiot with a substance abuse problem.

None of them would have married me. None of them would have stuck around doing the walking around with a baby 12am shift so I could sleep between feeds. None of them would have looked after a vomiting toddler so I could go do a big work presentation or waved me off on a 2 week solo walking holiday while they looked after the dc. Absolutely none of those losers would have helped me to the loo and back when I was so ill on cancer treatment. There is a reason I married my Dh and not one of them. Because he’s a decent bloke who loves me and has always had my back.

These bad boys now hitting their 40s and 50s have not suddenly matured and become ready for a relationship. It’s the same old crap, except they’ve missed a wealth of life experience building relationships, parenting (I bet there are some with kids, but they will be Disney dads, not committed parents). They’re just older and a bit more pathetic than in their 20s. No doubt they will still be able to dick you around and treat you like crap though. That’s why in their 40s and 50s, no one has snatched them up yet.

By the sounds of it, you have a lovely Dh. You can still live a fun life without meaningless sex with ageing drama kings. Get a hobby. Join a running group. Organise to go travelling solo or with friends. Have friends over for lunch or a BBQ (I hate doing couple socialising too, but I will do it for Dh a few times a year), organise a trip to the cinema with friends, get a babysitter and have a meal out or a weekend away with Dh. Life is only as boring as you make it.

I think it's very normal to have a restless period in your 40s... Kids don't take all your time and energy up now, there's no nothing new and exciting on the horizon, hormones are starting to fluctuate... it creates a perfect storm where you might be tempted to force a bug change just to rock the boat.

It passes.... I'd try and direct that restless energy into something positive rather than letting it simmer until it explodes and you derail what sounds like quite a nice life! Do something new that is scary and exhilarating, take up climbing, perform on stage something that really makes your heart race and gives you a sense of accomplishment. All the excitement of an affair but without hurting anyone!

Contentment is the ultimate goal of people. However, it can often be seen as boring if achieved. Learning to appreciate what you have rather than bouncing between tedium and excitement/stress is the key.
If you have a husband who is solid and you parent well with him, then you've won the husband lottery.
Don't take this situation for granted. Your partner isn't supposed to be everything to you, that's what other people are for.
You married him because you wanted a stable man to build a family with.
You seem to now think that you could have had it all if you'd held out. I can promise you, you wouldn't have.
Try to count your blessings. Get out and about and enjoy yourself but keep sight of the fact that your husband is a good one and they're few and far between.