Struggling with partner's wealth and what it means for our future

[Goingthrough]

A few years after getting divorced after a 20 year marriage I fell head over heels in love with a man ( we're both mid 50s) who is in the process of getting divorced. We've been seeing each other for 2 and a half years. I have three teenagers, he has one, we've kept it very discreet and agreed to not living together until all kids have left home. I am a freelancer earning c £20,000 pa which recently seems to be flying out as soon as it comes in on kid and elderly mother support stuff. He is extremely careful with money. Early on I realised the extent to which is plagued by a fear of not having enough money which I recognise. I've got my own hangs up and never feel particularly in control, safe or secure. Recently it emerged that he is a multi-millionaire and I can't get my head around it or what, if anything, it means in the future for being a couple. I need to carry on working every hour I can get work which he understands so his plan to accommodate me working and us seeing each other is when I can we'll go away for weekends and have dinners out both of which he says he'll pay for. I swing between feeling (probably totally unreasonably) a bit exposed and lonely financially to worrying is this what a proper later life couple relationship should look like to thinking is this just more of the same me feeling financially not in control with some looming envy for the comfort of his situation. Do I need to just be pleased for him?

I don't understand what you are asking or saying here.
Have you only just found out he is very wealthy? When you say he is "careful" are you saying he is mean with money?

Are you worried that you won't be able to match him money-wise?
Does it make you uncomfortable that he is so much richer than you,?

I’m a bit confused about what you’re asking tbh

Sorry - it's true, i'm not sure quite what i'm asking! I will never match him money-wise but don't expect to.

From the beginning I knew that he is involved in lots of businesses and that some aren't doing well and one failed spectacularly since we have been together. What I didn't know until he revealed 2 months ago is that he is also involved in some very good ones and how much wealth he has accrued and put away.

Yes - he is, I feel bad to say it but here goes - in my opinion- pretty mean with money.
What I am worried about is how different we are - if the roles were reversed I wouldn't let him/the person I love scrabble for money. I'm not scrabbling but I don't know if I was that he would help. My idea of being a couple was/is partly facing troubles together and I'm not sure his is. I fear his primary goal of keeping every penny he can comes before everything and everyone, me included.

But it is your choice to freelance and only earn 20k. Unless there is SEN your teen should not need childcare so what’s stopping you working more?

I think earning £20k a year from freelance work and dating a multi millionaire sounds like a pretty nice setup tbh. You don’t say what your skills are but presumably you could work more and earn more? You could also work full time in a minimum wage job and earn more than that.

When is he finally getting divorced?. You are the other woman in this scenario.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Have you kids met him, what do they know about him?. Do they get on with his own child?.

Are you sure he is really the one for you?. Your child and elderly mother are your main priorities and it could be many years also before all the kids leave home. ?.

People who are mean with money tend to be mean with love also. I think your concerns re him are valid ones. The power and control balance in this relationship seems to be very much in his favour and that will remain so too.

Do you mean you’ve been dating a not-yet-divorced man and even though you don’t live together you expect him to support you financially?
I’s not expect any if you don’t live together/aren’t married and you both have your own lives.
Not even going to comment on ‘dating’ someone who is jot yet divorced.

I would leave a man who had millions, saw me working to provide for 3 teenagers on 20k, and still expected me to be with him

Stingy. What kind of man is comfortable with that set up, when they have lots of money. Maybe that's why hes single

Ltb x

I’m not sure what you expect from him really. He’s not yet divorced, you don’t live together and he says that if you go out for meals or away together he will pay.
Sounds quite good to me at the moment!
Why are you earning so little anyway, that’s below minimum wage, could you potentially earn more?

@Goingthrough it sounds like you're shocked because you expect him to be subbing you

Even though his divorce isn't through yet.

He's trying to make sure you don't take the piss out of him, basically

I think that's fair enough

If you end up getting married, then it's different

at the moment he's saying he's happy to pay for dinners and weekends away, that seems more than fair.

I think you feel he should be subsidising you - you say you’re not available much because you have to pick up work and so he’s happy to see you at weekends. I think you were hoping he’d say he’d fund you and you could spend more time together.

he has no obligation to fund you or your kids. Presumably he’s about to lose about half his assets when the divorce is finalised, and times are tough for businesses. He’s willing to pay for meals out etc which is generous of him.

He's married and going through a divorce

Also you’d be better off working a min wage job - your income would be higher and you’d get things like employer pension contributions, sick pay etc.

I hope she got the ick from his lack of protective instinct towards the woman hes dated for over two years

You’re upset because he won’t give you money?

Christ.

I think only a fool would be subsidising a partner after just 2 1/2 years.

How does he live? Is he stingy with himself or does he live quite well?

hes still in the process of divorcing so is likely to have to share these assets with the stbx. Subsidising your life in any way, when his accounts are very likely to have to be examined is not going to be looked n favourably by his family.

Maybe things will be different once his divorce is finalised. He might be being cautious with money because he knows he will have to split what he has with his ex.

I think he's quite generous in offering to pay for nights out/weekends away - not sure what else you expect from him at this stage really given you don't live together & obviously aren't married.

How did you do in your divorce? And does your ex pay child maintenance?

This.
I think it's hard to judge how things will be in the future seeing as he isn't divorced yet.

How do you survive on that salary with 3 teenagers?

Generous child maintenance I imagine?

Why should he bank roll you

he’s had a business fail you can own a multimillion business and still be cash poor high turnover doesn’t automatically mean big profits
and if he’s a multi millionaire he’s probably cautious of gold diggers

I can see your worries about him hoarding money, OP. DH is an absolute miser, yet is sitting on a large savings pot. He'll happily let me pay for all sorts even though he earns 4 times what I do and knows I've got nothing saved up. It's not an attractive quality in a man.

It's probably money holding up the finalisation of his divorce.

Currently - you don't live together or blend families. You share a small part of your lives, around meals and breaks. Which he has offered to pay for.

In the future - you are concerned that you will still be living a £20k pa lifestyle, he will continue to be "careful" with his money while sitting on a small sum.

If you want him to change his personality to live a lavish extravagent lifestyle and to take you along for the ride, good luck to you, you'll have landed on your feet, but it seems unlikely.

Why do you only earn £20k, that's less than NMW? If you want to have more money, what can you do to make that happen, other than get together with a millionaire?

If he only earned £20k as well, would you be happier that you were financial equals?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with each other. If you want a long-term future and partnership where you join finances, you will have to be honest about that with him. He may well be perfectly happy continuing along with separate finances and the odd splurged meal and holiday. Divorces tend to make wealthy people think twice before joining finances again.

Whilst he doesn't owe you anything I find men who worry about gold diggers, and who like splitting bills etc, really icky. Rich people with a money neurosis are awful to deal with as they can always come up with some hypothetical scenario in which they will need more and more money - the miserliness will never be enough. He could be a billionaire and would still create a state of scarcity. I wouldn't bother with him tbh.

My dh was mean with money for the first few years. I paid for most things: mini breaks, dinners, trips.

Then once we were married I realised he's just better with money than I am.

He paid our house deposit, he has the ISA, he has the big pension, if the boiler breaks he pays. He considers everything ours and although it's my fault I'm shit at saving if I need anything he opens his hands.

I'm more of a spend thrift so I tend to still pay for food, dinners, theatre tickets, nights out, holidays, things to make the garden nice etc.

I'm really grateful to be with someone who saves and plans for the future as I think me being bad at this is actually a flaw on my part.

My point is, being careful with money and being stingy isn't the same thing. I really appreciate this quality now and likewise my husband would tell you that he appreciates that I'm the other way as we work well.