BF isnt sure about getting married because he hates attention

[ForHazelEagle]

Me (26) and my BF (28) have been together 3 years, we have a house together but my BF said to me that he hates the idea of getting married mainly because of the "attention". He says that if we were to get married then he just wants it to be me and him (And no family members, brides, best man etc). He told me that he hates the idea of all the attention and focus being on us and also spending loads of money on a wedding.

He even told me that he is scared of dying just because he doesnt want people standing around his coffin and doesnt want the attention. He is also trying to start up his own engineering buisness but he tells me that in the company he currently works for some co-workers basically worship the owner like he is the second coming when he walks in and would be over trying to lick the owners ass in. My BF said he'd hate that if he had workers doing that to him and would sack them

I dont know why he feels this way at times I think its social anxiety but he never strikes me as someone who has anxiety. He did tell me that growing up he never had any birthday parties which never bothered him so maybe he just isnt use to groups giving him attention? I honestly dont know

Neither DH or I like being the centre of attention so we had a wedding with just 12 people. It was very low key but still fun. Obviously you could go smaller and just had you and witnesses.

I don't like being the centre of attention either, and I don't have anxiety. The two don't have to be related.

Luckily my late partner felt the same way so wedding planning was easy. Registry office with 5 people (two family members each and our close joint friend) and then a sit down Chinese meal with an open invitation to any friends or family who wanted to join us. We picked that as with a sit down meal you get lots of chair hopping and the chance to only socialise face to face with a couple of people at a time Vs being in the middle of a crowd all night.

I just find it mentally exhausting being in the middle and get no enjoyment from it at all.

What is he like socially? I get the wedding thing, it's a lot of attention for some people. Being afraid of people coming to your funeral is extremely unusual though I would have thought

Just have a small wedding with witnesses and then go on honeymoon, you’re allowed to have the wedding you want it does t have to be a spectacle

Well, he has a point, of course.
A wedding is just the legal beginning to a marriage.... it doesn't need all the bells and whistles. If the two of you genuinely want to be married, just arrange a discreet and elegant ceremony, and keep it low key.

What about the wedding OP wants?

This, weddings don’t have to be big things. I know loads of people who just went off by themselves and did it.

How do you feel about a small intimate wedding? Honestly if i could turn the clock back, i wouldn't bother with the big wedding. Plenty of other things I would prefer to spend the money on rather than 1 day

Sounds like he has low self esteem and needs some therapy.

We had our wedding with parent and siblings, register office, less than £100. no regrets. 25 yrs ago. Got married in our work clothes.

I get this - I am very similar. It is classic introvert behaviour which finds constant attention draining and uncomfortable to deal with. In fairness he only seems to have a problem with the traditional wedding rather than marriage itself (which is just a legal arrangement).

Depending on what you want can a compromise be sought here? A small registry office followed by a family & friends celebration meal somewhere?

So he's told you what he doesn't want.
And he's also told you what he would prefer.

Yet still no sign of it? It doesn't sound like he wants to get married much at all, sorry.

Funeral thing is odd, but I totally get the wedding concerns. I was the same so we only had 4 people at ours. Tbh if (as a pp suggests up thread) this had not aligned with DH's wishes and he insisted on something bigger, I wouldn't have married him.

Direct cremation. No funeral, no one standing round his coffin!

That's one less thing for him to worry about. <I'm with him on this one>

some co-workers basically worship the owner
Beyond the wedding - his thinking seems extreme. So he's avoiding starting his own company because of his current company's culture? Does he realise he'd be the main influence on that new culture?

if he had workers doing that to him and would sack them
He should read up on employment law before he's going to turn into a nutty boss sacking people for random things, he'll find the employment tribunal gets quite expensive quite quickly. If he doesn't feel able to discuss things with his employees, he shouldn't employ people.

@ForHazelEagle What is your BF's relationship like with his parents? Having no birthday parties as a child is really quite odd, so it makes me wonder whether family life for him meant staying quiet, avoiding any attention and keeping out of the way. There's usually a reason for kids to behave like that, and it could be that his parents were abusive towards him. Any attention to him could have meant punishment, so he's learned avoidance tactics as a way of self-preservation.

What do you want OP?

Are you on the same page about other things, children for example? If you want children, how will he cope with small children wanting his 'attention'. Will he attend key family events with you, or is he too anxious to be in the same room as others?

He's going to have to wise up if he really wants to start his own business, some of this thinking is quite odd.

My now-DH was similar, but in the end I persuaded him because it meant a lot to me. We only had a few people to the register office and lunch (and then a ceilidh in the evening that we invited work friends etc). I think if the people you invite are close family and a couple of friends you know well then it's enjoyable rather than being embarrassing. He won't be the centre of attention anyway - that's the bride's job!

He is also trying to start up his own engineering buisness but he tells me that in the company he currently works for some co-workers basically worship the owner like he is the second coming when he walks in and would be over trying to lick the owners ass in. My BF said he'd hate that if he had workers doing that to him and would sack them

This makes him sound incredibly childish, with no understanding at all of employment law.

But with regards to the wedding, if you really want to marry him I'd just accept having a tiny one.

if he had workers doing that to him and would sack them
He should read up on employment law before he's going to turn into a nutty boss sacking people for random things, he'll find the employment tribunal gets quite expensive quite quickly. If he doesn't feel able to discuss things with his employees, he shouldn't employ people.

Yes I agree and it's quite a baffling thing to say. Behaving like that in the workplace is surely only going to draw lots of attention to himself, which he says he doesn't want!

Not wanting attention at his funeral made me laugh. Doesn't he realise he won't actually be there?

He doesn’t want to marry you OP, sounds like a shit excuse to be honest

Both DH and I feel the same so we did Gretna Green. I also don’t want funerals for either of us, if DH goes first I’m not putting up with people I never liked pretending they are offering sympathy and if I go first I wouldn’t put my DDs through it either. There’s no point wasting money giving a load of gawkers tea and sandwiches.

If he wanted to marry you then he would, just sounds like excuses

My DH doesn’t enjoy being the centre of attention, but he was prepared to do it for one day because he knew it would make me happy

My husband was very much the same. We just did us two with one witness each who we trusted not to blab. A few weeks later we had a new year’s party and didn’t say it was our wedding. A few guessed but didn’t fuss over him. We still did rings and bought gorgeous new outfits which we wore for both the ceremony and the party. We also ended up out to lunch after the ceremony partly because I had to switch out witnesses and got someone less discrete. Another friend everyone knows hates a fuss so even though her wedding was more traditional they just had their parents and siblings at a ceremony and then rented a house and got catering and a dj for about 30 of us and we just didn’t fuss or look except during the first dance (not announced).

Your boyfriend can find a compromise where you feel special