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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating for two months, both divorced and both healing.

42 replies

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 09:57

Both fifties with teens and adult children. Home owners, full time employees, close family and friend relationships, shared and individual hobbies.
We met in the wild, clicked and are enjoying seeing one another once or twice per week due to distance; an hour drive to each others homes and no interest in meeting kids yet.
My husband had affairs and was generally a useless husband and father. He has no relationship with our kids .. his and their choice.
My boyfriend left with his adult/ teen kids as his wife was an active alcoholic for many years who has/ had no interest in trying to stop. She is dying. His children have no relationship with her, one has significant mental health issues as a result ( acc to professional medics)
It’s none of my business and I am trying to enjoy what’s right in front of me but I find myself thinking about his ex wife and feeling deeply saddened for her.
she has lost everything she had lived and now she is actively dying. He will always love her and feels so sad also but then he is quite pragmatic too. He’s 100% supported by his and her family, his children and all their mutual friends and professional team and in moments when f guilt and sadness, is reassured that he did 100# the right thing for his children, his own self and their futures
.
I find myself wondering why a successful, committed mother and wife who I’ve been told loved marriage and family life could so sadly slide into chronic addiction despite all the supports, love, stints in rehab.
Some people who know her speak badly of her because of her dangerous actions when under the influence but there must have been a reason for the level of drinking.
Sometimes I wonder if it was his fault but then her own family and siblings don’t speak
to her anymore either and she has lost all of her friends too.
I find it very sad.

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 09/05/2026 10:03

Are you blaming him for her addiction? My ex husband had a loving family and amazing job etc and NOTHING could stop him drinking. And I mean nothing. I had to leave with my kids and it was heartbreaking.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:32

Gosh no I’m not blaming him whatsoever ! I don’t understand addiction. I don’t understand how a person can escalate from enjoying a few drinks to a litre bottle of spirits per day when they previously loved their work, home life, family and friends.
is it as a result of something traumatic happening ?

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 09/05/2026 10:37

You said ‘sometimes I wonder if it’s his fault’ ! You can’t blame anyone for addiction.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/05/2026 10:39

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:32

Gosh no I’m not blaming him whatsoever ! I don’t understand addiction. I don’t understand how a person can escalate from enjoying a few drinks to a litre bottle of spirits per day when they previously loved their work, home life, family and friends.
is it as a result of something traumatic happening ?

There will be something deep rooted underlying her addiction. It could be past trauma, low self-esteem, untreated neurodivergence, a myriad of things. We all have our demons.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:42

I wondered if she was bored and discontented and if he could have done more ? As I said, I don’t understand how anyone who seemingly had it all , loses everything for alcohol and wondered if there is a ‘why?’

OP posts:
itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:44

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/05/2026 10:39

There will be something deep rooted underlying her addiction. It could be past trauma, low self-esteem, untreated neurodivergence, a myriad of things. We all have our demons.

Thanks. Why would this seemingly just happen out of the blue so many years into marriage and family life

OP posts:
IPM · 09/05/2026 10:47

TL;DR

"Why do alcoholics become alcoholics?"

There are far too many reasons to state 🤷‍♂️

IPM · 09/05/2026 10:49

All of your questions point towards you wondering if it was 'his fault'.

You're giving this woman far too much head space considering you don't even know her.

LovelyAnd · 09/05/2026 10:53

IPM · 09/05/2026 10:49

All of your questions point towards you wondering if it was 'his fault'.

You're giving this woman far too much head space considering you don't even know her.

Yes, it suggests to me that you have underlying misgivings about the relationship, OP.

Listen to them.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:56

I have no reason to doubt him being a loving husband and father. The facts remain that he did everything he could to help her and his children and they have nothing to do with their mum such is their trauma and disrespect for her.
I don’t understand alcoholism I guess and have such strong feelings of sadness for a woman left alone dying of addiction.

OP posts:
LovelyAnd · 09/05/2026 10:59

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:56

I have no reason to doubt him being a loving husband and father. The facts remain that he did everything he could to help her and his children and they have nothing to do with their mum such is their trauma and disrespect for her.
I don’t understand alcoholism I guess and have such strong feelings of sadness for a woman left alone dying of addiction.

But If you’re this focused on her and feeling so desperately sad and concerned for the fate of a woman you’ve never met and never will, I think you are, implicitly, slightly questioning him as a husband and parent. Maybe unconsciously.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 11:05

Maybe I am @LovelyAnd. I would find it virtually impossible to leave a dying husband regardless of how awful
he was . That’s possibly an awful
admission but I’ve never had to live that life.

OP posts:
LovelyAnd · 09/05/2026 11:13

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 11:05

Maybe I am @LovelyAnd. I would find it virtually impossible to leave a dying husband regardless of how awful
he was . That’s possibly an awful
admission but I’ve never had to live that life.

OK, well, I would listen to that part of you.

It’s fine that you think you’d behave differently, but as you’ve said, you’ve never had to make that decision.

What you clearly will have to deal with, if you stay in the relationship, is the fallout of your boyfriend’s ex-wife’s eventual death, and what he (and his children if you’re in their lives by then) will be dealing with emotionally because of it. It’s not a ‘normal’ divorce — far from it. And there’s a young adult child with a significant mental illness involved too.

That sounds like a lot to me, and it would be understandable if you wanted something less complicated.

How long is she likely to live?

BlondeFool · 09/05/2026 11:15

I think you are very naive and I’m bowing out of this thread. He didn’t leave his dying wife. He divorced a manipulative addict. Until you have lived with one, you cannot possibly realise how horrific it is.

IPM · 09/05/2026 11:15

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:56

I have no reason to doubt him being a loving husband and father. The facts remain that he did everything he could to help her and his children and they have nothing to do with their mum such is their trauma and disrespect for her.
I don’t understand alcoholism I guess and have such strong feelings of sadness for a woman left alone dying of addiction.

The facts remain that he did everything he could to help her and his children and they have nothing to do with their mum such is their trauma and disrespect for her.

If those are facts then what's the problem?

It can't be that you 'don't understand alcoholism' because you don't actually need to, do you?

Plus if you really wanted to get an idea you could deep-dive into Google.

I think you're worried you haven't been told all of the facts and that he might've been quite heartless.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 11:32

I’m sorry for hurting any poster unintentionally.

OP posts:
Hito · 09/05/2026 11:36

You're way too over invested and over thinking this story he has told you about his ex OP and if I was you I'd back off until he sorts this out in his own mind or seeks therapy. Don't become his therapist. After a few months it's still supposed to be fun.

CamillaMcCauley · 09/05/2026 11:41

Alcohol is an addictive poison. All you need is some biochemical susceptibility and you can be on the road to alcoholism.

I think perhaps until you’ve been closely acquainted with someone in active addiction you should withhold judgement on people who have had to make hard choices to protect themselves and their loved ones from the ruin it causes.

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 11:45

It is fun and he doesn’t use me as a therapist. It is from people that I know that have told me the truths as they happened socially as well as his words which have always been respectful to his exwife

OP posts:
itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 12:11

She has six months to live by law of averages I’m told.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 09/05/2026 12:27

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 10:44

Thanks. Why would this seemingly just happen out of the blue so many years into marriage and family life

You’re being a bit naive here OP. These things don’t ‘just happen out of the blue’. People may not see or understand the signals but no-one goes to bed fine one night and wakes up the next morning as an alcoholic.

ConstitutionHill · 09/05/2026 12:28

You sound quite naive OP if I'm honest.

Have you never read a book, an article, seen a film about addiction? How despite attempts from friends and family, people still can't kick the habit. And how manipulative an addict can be?

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 12:33

I genuinely do not know any people with alcohol addictions personally and I’ve never read a book about addiction either.

OP posts:
Penguinsandspaniels · 09/05/2026 12:35

yes it is sad but when an alcoholic nothing is more important than a drink

ex has lost his

home
marriage
me
older kids
family
friends
seeing/being with youngest every day
job
car /van
health

and still drinks

nothing will stop him drinking. People say when he hits rock bottom he will

where is rock bottom ?

he gets money off uc and rent paid so won’t ever go back to work and he will drink

They just can’t stop and don’t went to stop even if help is offered on the plate to them !

you sound like you are blaming him for not helping wife more

I bent over backwards to help dh and eventually had to make a stand and be the strong one for our child and say no more

itsatrappe · 09/05/2026 12:47

@PenguinsandspanielsIm sorry for offending you. I genuinely did not mean to ascribe blame. I’m finding it hard to understand , that is why I posted.

OP posts:
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