Marriage feels strained and husband refuses counselling or communication

[Whattodo127845]

Honestly don't know what to do with our marriage. Been together for 10 years, married for 7. DH has three other children and we have one DS5 together.

The relationship is so strained. DH doesn't appreciate the things I do for the family. He doesn't want to communicate when I try to raise issues, I get the classic I'm 'nagging' or simply tells me to 'shhh'.

This absolutely makes my blood boil. He brings out the worse in me. I'm afraid to say I have thrown things as I'm lost my temper (I'm completely in the wrong here).

He will get right in my face to provoke a reaction then play the victim when he gets a reaction. Thankfully this doesn't occur in front of DS.

When I say we need help, he refuses to acknowledge it. Refuses to speak with a counsellor and would rather 'walk away again' then try and fix things.

He can be a good man. Everyone loves him, he's polite, helpful and friendly however seems to take things out on me. I believe he resents the fact I earn more money than he does however I forever pay for holidays, meals outs etc so he benefits.

He is a great Dad and I would hate to split up our family. I don't want to split up but I'd like things to improve and I just don't know how to when he doesn't seem interested in trying to improve things.

He's neither a good dad or husband and you won't be splitting up your family, he will because of his refusal to address the issues. It suits him so why should he change.

I'd be long gone . . .

It could be he is:

a) being a twat
b) knows there is a problem but scared of confronting it so just go along as is
c) knows there is a problem but its not that serious

for b & c you need to spell it our to him. I am not nagging or moaning etc but I am not happy. You have two choices - we split 'now', or we go to counselling and try to fix this. Those are the only two options. Anything other than counselling defaults to split (like shhh ing me!)

Sometimes people need that kick, that shock (like knowing you are overweight but its only when a Dr says you will die unless you fix it do you realise how bad it is)

Time for an ultimatum. Find a time - not in the middle of an argument - and say calmly that things need to change and be explicit about what needs to be different - or that will be the end of the relationship. But from what you say, it doesn’t sound like there is a lot of hope. His second marriage was his chance to do things better than he did the first time, and it sounds like he is blowing it.

Yup. This girst post nails it. He “shhh’s” you? Oh fuck me: no.

Thanks for the replies.

I always wanted a family unit and not to be divorced but I equally know life is short and we deserve to be happy.

He walked out of three kids before so I know he would easily do the same. Often says this but doesn't do it.

I am concerned about finances as I have far more than he does and think it would be awful to lose out financially and he gain.

I want things to change but I don't know what that looks like. I'm definetely at fault too so I need to get my head straight on how I can also improve things.

I was going to write a list of things that I do that I feel he doesn't appreciate and try to write a list of things that he does to show I do appreciate it.

He was never married before but they were together 13 years and three kids.

He knows how the shhh triggers me. It's so disrespectful. He does things that he knows will get a reaction.

A good father or husband would not rather walk away from a marriage than attempt to fix it. How could you want to continue any relationship with someone who has told you clearly that it means to little to him

I know what you're saying. It's difficult as he has been great to me at times. My father died recently and he truly supported me. He possibly has some form of depression but I'm trying to not make excuses for him.

He walked out of three kids before so I know he would easily do the same. Often says this but doesn't do it.

He often threatens to walk away from the family? That's a red flag in itself.

I am concerned about finances as I have far more than he does and think it would be awful to lose out financially and he gain.

Time to start having conversations with divorce solicitors (preferably more than one). Get yourself in full possession of the facts. He can't walk away from his financial obligation to your child and it sounds like he might now be stretching himself a bit thin so you might be able to strike a deal where you keep more of the assets than you think.

Sorry OP but depression doesn't make you speak to your partner disrespectfully. He is choosing to do that. You sound like you really are trying but one person can't keep a marriage going and he doesn't even want to try.

Your comments re finances. You may earn more but assets inc pensions likely start off assumption is 50:50 split

Which means that the more time you stay in this marriage, the more he gets.

🦆🦆🦆🦆
Time to get ‘em in a row!
Take legal advice. Soon!

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Your son and you are already a family unit.

Abusive men are not nasty to their target the time but the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. Nits not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. You cannot afford for him to potentially act like his dad does an an adult. Stop showing your child this treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level.

He’s neither a good dad to his children nor husband to you. He’d rather run than face anything.

Plus it's a relatively short marriage, so you may be better off than you think.

I'd be screwed then as he has zero savings and I had significant. Plus my house is worth three times the value of his.

We did always say we would not go after each others property but I'm not even sure even if he agreed he didn't want anything, would a judge even allow it?

Only youngest aged 13 comes EOW. Sometimes more often. We get on fine. I've always said I'm hands off, no parental responsibility etc.

They do see him but only at drop off/pick ups. They're adults so have their own lives plus live over an hour away from us.

The shhhh thing would drive me absolutely insane!

Yes he does and it's a reasonable amount even though the kids are older.

Honestly it makes me boil and that's why I have thrown things before. I feel awful afterwards but he does it for a reaction. I've said time and time again how disrespectful it is and he doesn't care.