What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

Inconsiderate at best or childish at worst.

That's the Whiney Bitch convo. Not your biggest fan is he? NTs don't like NDs.

Twattishness?

I don’t think it’s in the least unreasonable of him to watch a video with the sound on if he’s trying to figure out a way to fix a household appliance, which is presumably used by everyone. I’d expect him to get headphones if it was something he was watching for pleasure, but not in this kind of scenario, where the video is presumably short and needed for something practical and time-sensitive.

It's passive aggression in reaction to a percieved criticism, essentially he knows you don't like it but couldn't give a fuck and thinks you should put up with this noise because

" He big man, big man fixing thing, fixing thing make him more important than you, why you not telling him WOW thank you big man you the best "

I dunno what it’s called but I’d call your questions passive aggressive. You know what he’s doing and aren’t interested in managing it. What you really mean is stop doing that, but he’s trying to fix something that needs fixing so needs to watch it. If it annoys you, leave the room rather than pick an argument. It’s not like he’s watching it for fun. Sounds like you get on each other’s nerves but you think being ND trumps everything rather than leaving him to it and giving each other space.

We think he is ADHD. He is also quite emotionally immature in many ways which didn't become apparent to after we were married (he stormed off from me on our honeymoon because I got frustrated when he got us lost in Venice).

I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour, but he "hasn't got around" to reading it yet.

Well that's why I was asking. It wasn't initially clear he was still fixing it because he often just abandons jobs halfway through, so I was trying to find out what he was doing and how long it would be because I have sensory issues around people watching stuff with sound on phones.

Why didn’t you just leave the room? Honestly, if my DP is trying to fix something that will benefit all of us, I’d be more inclined to go get him a coffee than complain about the noise.

Bollocks you wanted to know how long the video was so you could “manage it”.

You were making a passive aggressive dig, rather than simply asking him to put headphones on.

I mean, it probably is important to fix it and they probably all use it. She can always fix it herself if there’s a problem with him being big man that she wants to address.

Sounds like he’s had enough of you controlling his environment and making your own passive aggressive comments. Why don’t you wear earplugs or noise cancelling headphones?

Its called RSD- rejection sensitive dysphoria- where everything is perceived as criticism.

I’d say he was justified in watching the video whilst fixing something for the family. He maybe overreacted a little but I would give him a pass as it wasn’t too bad. I probably would’ve just called him an arsehole to myself and then forgotten it just as quick.

See my previous reply I didn't know what he was doing. It was highly likely he was just watching something random on his phone having given up on fixing the media centre (which is actually his toy and not something I use at all, and I wouldn't choose to have it. It's his thing). I want being passive aggressive I was trying to gather information.

From your first post OP, you are the problem here.

I wasn't being passive aggressive, I was just asking a couple of questions so I knew what was happening. I don't see why I should have to wear headphones. We have a general rule that if you want to watch something on a device that isn't the TV, you wear headphones. The kids manage it.

DH often walks around listening to music through headphones so no one is able to communicate with him, so he had them on him.

Really? All I did was ask him what he was doing and then how long the video was.

Exactly.

You sound like you don’t like him much. Even the details about how he abandons things. This will come across and make your questions sound like digs. I’m not saying he’s any saint, but you’re picking away and he’s overreacting. Then you make out ‘but I only wanted to know what he was doing, because he’s normally doing annoying things or things he’ll abandon”, so there was no world in which this went well. If he’s not read the stuff, he’s not going to change and neither are you. So if he’s doing something that annoys you, walk away and accept we all do annoying things but can live with it. Or if it’s too much, consider your options.

I don’t think he’s the one at fault here. My guess is that your ‘sensory issues’ make you a bit tricky to live with if you nitpick at him every time he makes a small noise you don’t like. I’d find you irritating.

You were trying to gather information on something that was annoying you, you should have just let him get on with whatever he was doing and left the room, you can’t expect people not to watch a video on a phone in their home because you find the sound annoying. I don’t think there is a name for your husbands reaction, he was just using sarcasm. Does he know the sound of his phone annoys you?

People with autism do not generally make passive aggressive digs, that is not how their minds work. The OP asked a specific question and wanted a specific answer so she could better manage her sensory issues.

Maybe he doesn’t like being questioned like a child in his own home.

Well it depends where on the spectrum you are, my son is diagnosed Asd and he absolutely understands sarcasm and knows how to make a passive aggressive comment.