To say something or continue to stew over this?

[Zeemie22]

I am sitting here thinking about what my husband said to me on the phone yesterday. We don't talk much - pretty much separated at this point and I stonewall him as much as I can because interacting with him triggers me sooner or later. There has been a lot of abuse in the past - all kinds. I needed some advice and had asked him a couple of days ago if he could help and he said that he will look into it. Yesterday as I stepped outside the house I suddenly remembered a key detail that I had forgot and decided to call him to discuss, I haven't called or texted him since 4 months and we barely see each other in the house, we have separate rooms. While on call, I was trying to explain something and wanted to reference his friend as an example, I am terrible with names and memory in general and said, "you know the friend that you have whose wife worked through her pregnancy, you know the one with a restaurant... you know the couple who live in Kent?". He cut me off and said, "get to the point, it doesn't matter what their names are". That really triggered me. I tried to be as calm as possible because my therapist says do not engage and do not entertain any flying monkeys. I said, "it helps to reference properly because I don't want to give an incorrect example so I think names would have helped with clarity". Anyway I ended the call after discussing the main issue but since yesterday I have been seething. Something inside me is making me quite angry with myself for allowing this once again. It reminds me of all the times he has tried to sort of gain the upper hand in any conversation and he does that by being dismissive, rude and very short tempered - not just with me but with others also that he thinks deserve that treatment and are below him in whatever hierarchy he has in his mind.

I don't see my therapist until Wednesday. Today is Sunday and usually I do not have the bandwidth to get into a confrontation with him because it messes up my entire day. As I type this my hands shake and my heartbeat's quite fast just at the thought of knocking on his door and bringing yesterday's comment up. But I also know if I don't say anything I'll hate myself for betraying myself and once again, not standing up and letting him get away with talking to me like that again.

My therapist has told me not to engage with him in a confrontation. I never win. It gets ugly. He seems to get off on the chaos that follows because he is looking for a reaction or some sort of 'interaction' that can allow him a window into my current state of mind and let him manipulate me accordingly. What follows from his side in any argument is a pattern of DARVO, confusion and chaos by him to not accept accountability: That looks like policing my tone, my choice of words, talking about any and everything minor that is brought up in the conversation that is not related to the actual issue I try to discuss. Basically anything but a resolution. It can escalate to swearing sometimes also when he thinks he is losing the argument.

I know I need to leave this situation, and I will. I need to survive this until I do.

This seems a massive overreaction, he didn't need their names and you rambling about who lives in Kent and didn't work in legendary had presumably no bearing on the situation you were asking for advice on.
The other aspect is if you hate him so much and he's so abusive why on earth would you go to him for advice?!

First response nailed it.

The advice I was asking for was related to this couple's situation, I just couldn't remember their names and I wanted to reference them to make my point about what we were discussing.

I appreciate the comment. I know that most people would have dismissed it. It reminds me of all the times he has talked to me in that tone and in that way in front of others and also in private and I think that is what is causing me to spiral.

It is clear that you were upset by his comment due to his past behaviour but on the surface of it he was just expressing mild frustration with what probably felt like too much detail.

Well I'm afraid you're going to keep spiralling if you need to rely on a therapist to get you through what used to be your marriage.

How long until you can separate properly?

Honestly you sound like hard work.

Just take a massive step back from this, it’s not doing you any good at all, you’re leaving him so stop engaging

Exactly this
just leave him what’s the point???

What would be the point of challenging him over this? Seems like a waste of your time which would just lead to him saying you were rambling on so he snapped. You relationship sounds completely over and you don't like each other any more. You will irritate each other in many ways until you disentangle your lives and divorce, so best to keep discussions to a minimum.
What is stopping you removing yourself from this situation ? It must be so tiring living like that.

I haven't called or texted him since 4 months and we barely see each other in the house, we have separate rooms
so you say you’ve stonewalled him for ages, not called or texted in 4 months and the first time you do it’s because you want something from him?
why on earth don’t you just leave? Are you financially dependent on him?

I needed some advice about something and we had discussed this last week already, I am not financially dependent no.

Why do you feel like I’m hard work? 😕

I think you know that if you bring it up with him, it won’t end well.

from his perspective (and I don’t know him nor know your full history which would help me understand why this has affected you so deeply), you called him out of the blue and started rambling with detail to add to the request you made previously. Perhaps he was in the middle of something. Perhaps he didn’t feel the detail was necessary. Perhaps he just wanted to belittle you. It doesn’t make much difference.

could you write down your memory of the call and how it made you feel. Then bring it up with your therapist on Wednesday. Writing it down might be cathartic.

Life is too short to have a marriage like this. You get one shot at life and this is how you want to spend it? Leave.

Your therapist has advised you not to engage so don't engage. What's the point in repeating old patterns?

It just is not appropriate to ask him for advice. Ever. That is not the relationship you have now (and it doesn’t sound as though he was ever a trustworthy, safe source of advice to me).
Anyone might be annoyed by a conversation that meanders around without facts though. And, if you are being a bit annoying (and it sounds like you were) then you can’t really be surprised if someone with a history of being irritated by you, gets irritated.
You need to talk to your therapist about why you took the clearly unwise decision to ask him for anything, because this is the real issue.

As someone who left an unhealthy marriage, I get where you’re coming from. It’s not what they say, it’s how they say it and how it makes you feel. I would suggest writing it down (for me I have to physically write it, typing isn’t the same), exactly what you want to say. Then get rid of it. Burn it, shred it. Then I’d suggest some grounding exercises (like 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear etc) to help to ease the physical sensations. You know comforting him won’t help, even if you feel like you need to. Then I’d suggest spending some time looking at what you need to do to finally leave him. Sounds like a miserable way to live.

Clearly the backstory here is your abusive marriage, and that his tone triggered you, but for what it’s worth, I’d probably have said exactly the same thing to someone who had been banging on with irrelevant details.

You're over thinking, take a step back. None of this matters any more.

I will do that, thank you for the suggestion. I do keep a diary of meeting notes for my therapy sessions.

I am not sure what his intention was, to me it felt like yet another dismissal and belittling - as you say.

What I had to discuss was also related to something he would have benefitted from monetarily in the form of a commission as this was related to his skillset also - just to clarify.

Thank you 🙏

I think - as others have pointed out before me - you unnecessarily riled yourself over a response that is not that deep. I get it, it was short, and in your view unhelpful, but that is the thing about conversations @Zeemie22 , two people shape it. Not saying it was a polite response, not saying he is in the right, or anything like that.

But the reason why you are seething over something such a no-issue is what is worth thinking about. It's your hatred, resentment towards him. That boosts the irritation this has caused. Think about it - anyone else saying this to you, you probably wouldn't still be stewing. I would listen to the therapist. Also, such a resentful connection between people does nobody any good. I would suggest cutting ties for good, in every sense of the word, it is pointless not to just separate completely.

No, don't say anything. He felt you were waffling and you thought you were adding context. Both views can be right.

Concentrate and funnel your energy into getting divorced and finding somewhere else to live asap.

I wouldn't even think twice about it if it was anyone else who would have said that to me so you're right this is specific to him delivering it.

I am going to write down how I feel and save the notes for my next therapy session.

Thank you all for your advice 🫶

I agree with everyone else’s advice, but just want to add - stop engaging with him.

Ask yourself if you really need his advice about whatever this is. If it’s not absolutely necessary, then leave it.

Don’t have a conversation when a text will do, keep exchanges to a minimum, and so on. Talking to him is clearly triggering for you, so stop doing it.