Is it enough?

[44andnotout]

I'm fully prepared to get roasted for this, have my character and marriage pulled apart..this is mumsnet after all!

My husband is a nice man, hes a good dad he'd never cheat on me, no major vices etc. On the other hand he can be fairly dull and has zero ambition in work or otherwise, no life goals etc. We have a 7 year old together and yes i did know he was like before i married him but i thought he'd change (more fool me). He knows how frustrated i am but despite multiple conversations nothing changes. I go between feeling like i really love him to being really iritated by his lack of get up and go.
But anyway what i'm really looking for is opinions is an okay marriage with a person you who is kind but you are slightly incompatable with enough? and if anyone has walked away and not regretted it, or has walked away and regretted it.

What bit of his ‘go’ is missing? Income? Job status? Hobbies? Passions?
Is this a grass could be greener situation, or are you carrying the burden of everything and he doesn’t see a problem?

All of the above. I think he's aware of how much of the burden i'm carrying and he does feel guilty but it still isnt enough for him to change.

He is working full-time but hes been in the same job for over 20 years. He doesnt want a career a job is just a job to him.

The positive is that he has a good work ethic and is working steadily. Not everyone wants a career and we do need people to do the jobs that are less qualified.

The being a bit dull though, I get that. It does get tiring to be carrying most of a relationship.

Surely the point of being married to someone is that of all the people in the world, they are the one who you love, cherish and respect the most.
Is that the car for you , op? Do you love, respect and cherish him ?

Being a good man/father who isnt an alcoholic, crack head or a cheater is the bare minimum and he doesnt get a medal for that.

Do you love him? Do you fancy him? The grass isn't greener but at the same time it sounds like you really dont like him and youre settling because hes a "good man". And thats not fair to either of you.

He is who he is and at this point hes not going to change.

What exactly do you want of your husband?

What do i want of him? To have some ambition, some drive. For us to be able to share some goals together and work towards then rather than me making plans and him, it seems just going along with it because it's easier.
It seems that i dont like him? Of course i bloody like him i wouldnt have married him otherwise!

Suggest entering a marathon next year together. Do 52 gigs together in a year. So many non work things you can explore as a couple. What are you both passionate about?

I get it, OP. He is passive in life, and that leaves you with the responsibility of everything. All the organising and delegating, holding a million things in your head at once, and he's happy to coast along and let you do it. I had a DP for 9 years who was similar, and by the end I had zero respect for him because he felt like another child to organise instead of an equal partner. It totally killed any desire I once felt for him.

Couples counselling might work if he's willing to put the effort into working on your relationship. Or it might help you part ways. I think continuing to not do anything at all to address this imbalance will lead to deep resentment.

My ex was a bit like this, he didn't really want to do anything. He happily do 'whatever', eat 'whatever' but it was so bloody draining making every decision. He was lovely too, would never have cheated, a bit grumpy at times but no real anger.

I'm single now and have been for 3 years, I'm happier then I was though

What would change for/in you if he all of the sudden decided that he is super career-oriented, pushed hard to climb the ladder, missed dinner and bed times to be out and fraternise with CEOs, not having time for his family over the weekends because he wants to do extra to be recognised? You'd look up to him more? You'd think he is more of a 'man'? Or do you just dream of a more expensive life style that would come with a higher salary?

Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds to me that you are just bored with things. If careers and drive are so important in your life, why project it on him? Go on, and be the cool boss babe that has a mean career. Speaking as someone who also does not determine his worth based on his work, I think his priorities are right. A job is a job, colleagues and bosses are not 'family', it is a means to an end - paying the bills. I always felt pity for those who had nothing in their lives but their jobs, and they prioritised it over everything. A job, where you are easily replaceable - everyone is, no need to kid ourselves, and if you died, there would be a job advert to fill your role within a few days.

Having said all of that, if you are not compatible, then you are not compatible. You have every right to leave for whatever reason that makes you unhappy. We have one life. People may not understand why you did it, he may not deserve it as he didn't do anything wrong, but staying in a relationship you have no intention to makes no sense, and nobody should. I know a few people who did - - specifically talking about 'nothing wrong, just feel bored', and regret it, because they realised either of the two things: 1) What they were missing was from within themselves and/or 2) They are missing their no-drama 'boring' exes after meeting some absolute idiots and having been treated badly.

You can leave a marriage for any reason you want. You don't need anyone's permission or approval.

But - beware that you may not find another relationship, you could be single for years, even a decade or more.

It is a mistake to expect him to change, or try to change him. Either you love him enough as he is for you to stay, or you go. Only you can decide what is enough.

Don't stay if you no longer respect him. Respect is fundamental in a relationship, it is even more important than 'love'.

Clearly if you were with someone with drive and ambition, two characters like that could easily clash/or you taking the backseat and having to go along with their plans. That isn’t perfect either.

Honestly, your DH is who he is. He won’t change. If you think being with someone with goals is for you, go ahead but there will also be pitfalls.

You have my sympathies, but unfortunately I am still exploring the answer myself..

I completely understand what you say about wishing he had some more "go" ... my DP just seems to be completely uninterested in anything now-a-days either, and has no desire to create a life for him/us beyond going to work, putting something in the microwave for dinner and going to bed.

I would be very interested to read anymore responses you get.

I'm not projecting i do have a career and it is important to me. Also i think there is a middle ground, you don't have to miss dinner all the time or be a ceo to have a bit of spark

Which is why I asked you what exactly are you missing here. To look up to him more? to get better finances as a family? Or something else?

Thanks for your response-Its certainly not about money, more would be nice of course but we're doing okay. He has so much potential but he's treating his life like a dress rehersal and i don't want him to have regrets. He argues that he did have plans for his life in the past but they always went to shit, and granted he's had a fair few knocks.He wasn't able to get a job in his chosen career and he went through a messy divorce after less than two years of marriage and a child together. He does admitt to being scared of making mistakes as he feels he made a lot when he was younger but that's life you mess up, learn from it and move on. I do tend to compare our lives in that way and ive screwed up multiple times but never stopped trying.
It's not just about work either as he's just incredibly passive in general although he does vary between passive and ultra-cautious and will talk himself out of doing things by listing everything that could go wrong.
I can accept him as he is, but i love him enough to want to help him push through whatever barriers he has and try.
Sometimes it makes me feel crap about myself too, like me and our child aren't enough to give him something to strive for, i know men are more internally than externally motivated but i still question it.
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