To feel sad about a mother who loves her DGC more than me

[bluegreengreenblue]

I feel silly writing it but it’s getting to me enough to post about it at this time of night.

I don’t think I fully appreciated how disinterested my mother is in me as a person until I had my son. She has always been a bit emotionally unavailable at times, but it has struck me the constrast in how loving she is with my son. She wants to see him as much as possible, she showers him in gifts, says how much she misses him. She is really affectionate with him.

The thing is, I need my mum sometimes and she is the polar opposite of the above with me.

It makes me feel strange because of course I want a loving grandmother for my son, but the more it goes on, the more it shows up her relationship with me for what it is.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I suppose I wondered if it’s a common thing.
examples are.. she doesn’t reply to my messages, or if she does, it’s one word answers. She wouldn’t be able to tell you the first thing about what I do for a living or what I enjoy. She isn’t unkind to me, but she is absolutely apathetic. I find myself constantly reaching out for some kind of connection, trying to arrange time together, only to find she is busy. I told her I was depressed post partum, she made sympathetic noises in the moment, and never asked me about it again.
And yet, her love language is to gift, so I can never quite pull her up on things, in the face of huge generosity.

I feel stuck, resentful, sad. I’m forever waiting for a reply it seems. Am I expecting too much of a mother/daughter relationship in adulthood?
Be nice to hear others’ experiences.

What was her childhood like?

aw that most be so difficult especially as you are now experiencing life as a mum yourself. Is she jealous of your youth and beauty as maybe competition to her? You are what she would like to be whereas the grandson would never be competition. She sounds like a cold bitch tbh. Am sorry she is hurting you. Ask her why she is so affectionate to your son but not you and see what she says. She will probably be shocked and may think about it and change xxx worth a try x

She went to boarding school, ha. Textbook?

I suppose I feel like a bit of a sad-act caring so much. Most people my age are probably in a total role reversal of this. Their parents are probably the ones waiting by their phone for a reply!

My mum had an awful childhood, and just wasn’t able to connect to me or my siblings.
However, she adores her grandchildren, and I’m grateful for that.
People just do the best they can. I suspect I’m much older than you, and over the years my mum has been able to express more emotion with me. She’s a good mum now, in her own way.

aw love. yes I have this. and the gifting thing is really hard to understand isnt it. If you look up covert narcissist you will probably recognise that in your mother. I know I have literally read three lines, but what you have said is totally relatable to me. if I am way off base just ignore me!

narcissists basically have a super fragile ego. that makes them need to be seen as the victim. this can be really subtle but when you start to think about it it might become clear that in lots of circumstances, they will manoeuvre into the hero role, or the victim role regularly. So for example, they buy gifts - hero and, bonus, victim:

So you ask
" mum, could you come and watch Jack a bit earlier tomorrow, I have been invited to a work thing and would love to go"...
and in return get something like
"well, I mean yes...I mean I have to go and buy Aunt Jenny a present as it's her birthday in two weeks, but of course if you need me to then of course I will find a way to fit it in..."

So they get this lovely double hit - she's a victim because she has to martyr herself to help you because thats what good mother does, and she's a hero for doing so so can tell her friends all about how she stepped in to help you. And you cant question why shes being a dick and going on about having to go buy presents for Jenny, because if Aunt jenny's birthday isn't for two weeks, why does it have to be tomorrow? but if you question that, then you look like you dont want Aunt Jenny to have a nice birthday and that's crazy!

So when you are a legitimate victim (such as with depression) it is very hard for them. because you are taking away their ability to be the victim. She cannot give it air time because you are stealing her thunder, essentially. but she knows that is obviously not ok. so she just says...nothing. literally gives you no air. and to her, she can pass that off as being supportive if you question her on it - she was respecting your privacy, or she thought you didnt want to be asked about it.
But to you, she is giving you no air - and as a daughter that is so painful a) because most other people seem to have a parent that just likes them, b) because you have been trauma bonded basically to want them, and its natural and c) because they are nice to other people and it just rubs your face in it - oh and b) because they've been gaslighting you most of your life - if you bring up their hurtful behaviour, they just will not accept that it went like that.

Usually these people also flip when they spot an opportunity to be a victim elsewhere - so maybe in a few months time, aunt Jenny mentions that her daughter is struggling with depression, suddenly your mother pipes up 'oh poor Bluegreen suffered with that too, it was a hard time for her, very worrying isn't it...blah blah blah.' because she needs the victim status and youre like what the actual fuck?

Was she ok with you before a certain age? like 6/8/10? and do you have siblings? Does she tend to genuinely not understand when other people dont see the world the same way as her? does she do things like babysit, or give money but it doesnt give emotional support? so youre like well yeah she is supportive I guess so why am I always feeling so empty.

Anyway yes it is really painful, and watching them be nice to your child basically kicks your inner child. it's horrid. and it is just because they like the hero/victim thing. Kid loves me so much I can buy him/play him/sugar him into liking me the most in the whole world. then the kid grows up and starts having their own opinions and they get stressed by that. Unfortunately you cant change them. They just have such fragile egos that when youre asking for them to change and just be nice to you, youre asking them to lose their protection mechanism.

(If this is totally not you sorry! just had a massive therapy session here...but either way I feel you! mums who dont mum like they like you is so hurtful)

I’m glad things improved and you were able to look at it with some perspective. :)

I get it op - my dd (now an adult) said my mother was like her ‘second mum’ which cut me like a knife as she’d been no mum to me really. I just think some people are not cut out to be good parents but are able to do better with grandchildren.

@Pinkissmart glad your mum is better now x
@Devonshiregal thank you for sharing. I see so much of my mum in your description. But she also had a hellish childhood so I wonder if that's also why she struggled so much with me? Who knows 🤔

I'm sorry you had a tough time too. I kind of think of it as a protection mechanism, like I mentioned. like it was overlaid on their personality at a young age - in much the same way split personality disorder is, I suppose - unfortunately it is very hurtful for other people. especially, often, one person in particular. I have tried to feel sympathy for her. but it is a big...disappointment, maybe is the word? sadness. I read someone once say it's a horrible thing to realise you are more emotionally mature than your own parent and that kind of stuck with me. I think it helps to know youre not the only one (not that Id wish it on anyone)

@Devonshiregal sending hugs x i know my mum went through a lot of horrible stuff as a child. She lost my twin sister. I loved her but she was always distant. So yes I can see why she was so cold and distant but it never stopped me wanting her to love me more.
I'm the complete opposite, I tell my sons every day I love them. Thankfully they say it back. I still have days where I don't want to be social but I'm working on it.
Apologies for the long ramble x

I can understand how bittersweet it must be to see your Mother able to show your ds the affection that you crave from her. Whatever was at the root of it (boarding school very likely!), she developed a particular, undemonstrative way of relating to you, which has become the default. Loving you without being able to show it. And I think it’s really difficult to break out of very entrenched patterns of behaviour, unfortunately. Perhaps she wishes it were otherwise, and that is why she is the polar opposite with your ds. Having another shot at things, if you like. I don’t know whether you would ever be able to instigate an in-depth conversation with her about the way you feel? It depends on how self-aware she is, and whether you think it would be worth the risk of upsetting the status quo, to try and reset you relationship with her.

that's ok! I went on a huuuge ramble! Im sorry to hear about your sister. id imagine that must have been a very impactful thing to have happen in your life in different ways. It's lovely to hear you have a loving relationship with your sons.

My personal observation has been that emotionally immature people find it easier to express love and affection to small children and this ability decreases as they get older and into adulthood. My guess is that it's because small children are ‘uncomplicated’ in comparison.

My in-laws are like your mum with their own kids but were incredibly indulgent and loving of their grandkids. But when the grandkids got older and couldn't be entertained with play or bought with toys and started to have interests and opinions of their own, they started to treat them more like they treat their own children, with a lack of interest and just surface-level interaction.

I don't think it's because they stopped loving them or loved them less, I think they just reached their limit to show love in the same way because it required more from them them on an emotional level and they don't have the emotional bandwidth and skills.

I'm not saying this is true for your mum, but like I say, it’s been my personal observation. Regardless of this though, it’s a shitty deal for you and I’m sorry it’s causing you hurt. I'm sure you will break this cycle and ensure your own children never feel as you do though, which is something you should be proud of.

Yes textbook. She has no model of consistent parenting and may have learned to crush her own emotions until she has little to offer. Very hard for you but not her fault or her choice.

Could it be she feels regret about how she treated you, and is trying to make up for it with your son? I think there’s a lot of stress involved being a parent, less so than a grandparent, so perhaps she’s just in a better frame of mind these days. Sounds tough on you though.

You won't change your mom so it's best to face reality and accept she will never be that loving mother you so wish. The space between the fantasy mom ..you deserve and the actually reality of who she is causes a lot of pain and can lead to depression and much disappointment. When you consciously accept this is as good as it gets with your mom that pain will ease.
It's easier for her to love a small child so let her on as that may change into the future as already said. Don't expect anything from her so you won't be disappointed. Its good to have recognised how you feel but don't let it rob from you going forward.

What Devonshiregal wrote earlier.

Your mother, like many of the mothers written about in your thread by other respondents , had a dreadful childhood but that is still no excuse or justification for her actions now. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old that was done to her. She never wanted to seek nor sought the necessary help. And her best was not good enough. You probably still want her approval but she will never give you this. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

I can’t imagine your own childhood was all that fab either at her hands. Btw you do not mention your dad here, is he in your life now?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Now she could well be trying to steal your child’s heart and mind from under your very nose. I would consider keeping both your child and you well away from your mother going forward.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I would also suggest you read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Hones thread on these pages.

I didn't have children so I don't know what my mother would have been like with them, but she has always been disinterested in me and was the same with my sibling. She's in her 80s now and I'm in my 50s, so I have just accepted that's the way she is, it isn't me, it's her. It isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, except try to stop letting it affect me. It did upset me a lot when I was younger, particularly when I saw the kind of relationships my school friends had with their parents.
I try to stop myself being surprised or upset when my Mum only thinks of herself and not me in any situation. Like when I had planned to go and visit her one time, but heavy snow appeared on the weather forecast, so I texted her before I set off and asked her if it was snowing where she lives as it wasn't where I live. And she said "Yes, it looks very pretty". No concern or thought at all about me driving 80 miles in it on my own. And during the 2008 financial crisis, my husband and I became very worried about his employer going bust and how we would pay the mortgage, and my darling mother said "It's alright for you, you're young. What about people like me who are getting a low rate of interest on savings we have worked hard for?" (she was mortgage free and retired).
My Dad is dead but he was even worse than indifferent towards us and would actively belittle us and try to make us upset when we were children and adults. Why on earth they decided to become parents is beyond me. Still, it made the grieving process when my Dad died fairly short and easy and it will be much the same when my Mum goes I imagine.
I've no idea why she is like it, because her own relationship with her parents seemed close and loving, although her Dad died when she was in her twenties and she had been very close to him apparently. It's just the way some parents are I think unfortunately and the best thing I think us adult children can do is stop trying to get to the bottom of why, and care for ourselves in a way our parents were never able to. It's taken me many many years to reach that conclusion though 💐

My DM is amazing with small grandchildren but she isn’t so good when they become adults. Same with her DC. She doesn’t want an adult relationship, she simply cannot deal with it.

Maybe your DM is the same?!

Sounds like a bit of a personality clash, she maybe finds you quite hard work. Does sound like you’re being a bit harsh on her and you seem to disregard the efforts she does make as not good enough, maybe due to an idealised view of what a mother should be and the voids they should fill in your life?

I agree with @HatAndScarf33. I’ve seen this dynamic play out - the young uncomplicated baby/toddler is doted on, but the child/teen is too ‘difficult’ and the relationship fizzles.

Some people love children in the same way they love pets. Children are seen as just receptacles for love and attention. You can demonstrate what a lovely person you are ad what a loving family you have.

As they grow up into people with their own opinions and more sophisticated expectations, it’s harder and harder to fake the relationship.

So be careful with your DC as they grow. Your mum may become a less amazing grandma. Make sure they have the language and understanding to handle it.

To be honest, it’s usually the kids that naturally draw away from grandparents, parents and more into their own lives as they grow older, I’ve not really heard where this is a problem, my own DC grandparents were starting to get ill as they hit the teenage years and half of them have died now they’re in their 20s

Being a grandmother is different to being a mother. The dynamics are totally different. And you’re in a very different place in life. She has no real responsibility for your son or his raising. She can make different choices and the long term impact is never going to be the same. My mum was (is) a wonderful, loving, involved mother. But even I can see a difference between the way she was with us and the way she is with my daughters. They can do no wrong and are allowed all sorts of things we never would have been. Recent example- eldest dd is sitting exams this year, any mentions from me about her having to miss fun things for revision is met with huge sympathy and sad face. When I took my exams strict revision timetables were enforced!