He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

[FairBee]

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

All sounds very silly.

a “situationship” sounds like a term I’d hear amongst my year 10s.

You have two kids and you’ve fairly recently split up from your husband. Just focus on your new set up for the time being

He turned down FWB because he wanted situationship?

What's the difference?

I have a lot of admiration for him. His mum and dad both have chronic illnesses that mean they need carers. He helps with all this plus works a London office job, plus trains 5 days a week for boxing and marathons. One Saturday a month, he helps out at a charity for the disabled. He is a really well respected member of the community. He seems very honest. A good friend. Neighbour. Mutual friends from spin class all adore him

I hesitate to end things because I really enjoy his company. The companionship is nice.
The sex is really good. There’s now a lot of chemistry.

I’m newly divorced by I have been separated properly as in no sleeping together for almost 3 years

The drive to form attachment bonds is really strong. It’s hard not to fall into the couple / pair bonding pattern when you’re seeing each other romantically/ sexually. He gets pleasure from having you act as a girlfriend. However he knows on some level he doesn’t want to be with you long term. Maybe because you have kids, maybe he’s afraid to get too attached and get hurt again, or maybe he enjoys thinking about or pursuing other women. Who knows.

A situationship and FWB are exactly the same thing! Or am I really behind the times? Happy to be told so if so, but I know people who use those words interchangeably. Or is the modern version of a situationship basically FWB but you have an ice cream in the park one a while and skip along holding hands? You can do that in an FWB scenario too - it’s the ‘F’ bit.

I think you need to proper boundaries, that much is clear.

To be honest, I think he sounds like he might be heading in quite a controlling direction with you. You aren’t in a relationship and he wants to speak to you all the time and is upset by you following other men on social media? One thing that has took me by surprise post divorce is how controlling some men will be, even when they know they don’t want a relationship with you.

Nobody can ever trust anyone 100%, I know that. But I do believe him when he says I am genuinely the only woman he’s pursuing and sleeping with.

His schedule is just so bloody busy too. He really is one of the most hard working and busy people I’ve ever met. I’ve seen it in action and know it’s true

I know the fact I have children is a massive deal breaker for him. He has made it really clear. And I get it. But from his point of view, why spend all this time and invest all these emotions and energy on someone you don’t want? Just sleep with them… they’ve already made it clear they were happy with that

But now more emotions and ‘situations’ have crept in unnecessarily for it to feel right to return to just sex on its own, I think?

You can’t return to just sex if emotions have crept in on any side. It needs to end. You can’t go back, that’s nonsense and you have said that. The vibes have changed and actually it’s kind of torturing the person who wants more connection because you’re blithely getting your rocks off knowing they have more of an interest in you than beyond the physical. It’s a bit cruel actually.

ive been in situations like this a long long time ago. What I’ve found it generally boils down to, they want all the comforts of a relationship, they don’t want you to hook up or meet anyone else, but if they hook up or meet up with other women down the line it’s okay because “this is what we agreed”.

i don’t think it means he wants something more, just he likes the emotional attachment with no strings.

Why would you be looking to end things?! Seems to me like you’re growing together. It’s only because you’re both so keen to slap labels on everything that you’re in this quandary.

He doesn’t sound great and the level of contact seems much too high for FWB.

Well he's got you right where he wants you, hasn't he? Obsessing about him and analysing every interaction. Mission accomplished!

Yes, this. OP, what is the difference between a 'situationship' and 'FWB'?

You keep talking about him and what he might want etc. Bluntly, so what? What do you want?

He had never questioned me following other men (i do). Just men from his following that he knows personally (in this scenario, it was a cousin). Understandably as I don’t want him following my friends or cousins either

But yeah, definitely has ramped up the communication expectation. Has also expressed that he wants to stay over at my house for dinner but I’ve said no. And kept that as a no. Had also asked to use my holiday flat in Malaga with his mum and dad for a weekend, to which I’ve also lightly played off as a joke but think he’s serious

I thought ‘situations hip’ was a term for when you think you are in a relationship but the other person is blowing hot and cold and you don’t quite know where you stand ? Rather than an actual choice !!
Honestly, he sounds like a teenager, who needs all this nonsense ?

Sorry, should have clarified. FWB is someone you may send a friendly message or two every now and then. Keep it light. No constant relationship type communication. Just sex.

Situationship is going couply things and having sex. So basically, you are acting like you’re in a relationship but it’s clear you’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, and have made that clear between you

Yeah this
The only way to answer your question is if you talk to him, what does he want ?
If he does not want a committed relationship to you then he should not be dictating who you follow on social media
Lots of men just want sex with women and go out on dates and do everything else you've mentioned except say that you are their girlfriend I had the same situation myself and I was very confused as it was a relationship without the title, even said that I should delete male friends from my facebook that he saw as a threat . I ended it because it started to confuse me too much -the lines were getting blurred between a friendship with sex and a relationship and I started to get feelings, your feelings would only grow so to be kind to yourself and drop the sex , based on what he says when or if you talk to him. In the end I met a fantastic guy who treats me like a princess and I've never been happier and we plan to get married in a couple of years, I wasted so much time with the other guy.

I think he will be thinking of settling down with someone younger, but you'll do for now. He wont expect you to be hurt because hes already told you he doesnt want anything special. So you fluff his ego for now, but be careful because if you over invest you will.get hurt!

Yep, sounds like it doesn’t it. What a drama, why not just stay with sex!

My ego won’t allow that so think it’s best I end it sadly. I have really enjoyed the time with him

Please say he’s not pushing to meet your children?

You split up from your husband when you were 25/26… so presumably with him from very young?

The cynic in me thinks you hurt his ego when you said you just wanted to beFWB. So while he doesn’t want to have a proper relationship with you, he wanted YOU to want it so he put in the ground work for that, while also reminding you that this isn’t going anywhere and why (aka your “flaws” like being a single mum).

I’ve seen this play out before. It doesn’t end well.

He wants all the perks of having a girlfriend without the label. It also leaves him free to sail off into the sunset when the person he soes want a relationship with comes along, guilt free.

If you are happy with this, great, but it sounds like you want more from him. And if your dc's are a deal breaker for him then I would call a halt to this now before you become even more attached otherwise you are heading for heartbreak.

Nope, he hasn’t expressed any desire to meet my children. Not that I’ve been expecting him to. Just since you mentioned it though, no mention of that.

I’ve been seeing him almost 6 months now. He’s asked a few times to come over for dinner and to sleep together then leave very early (my sons are really deep sleepers in a large house so I know it wouldn’t wake them), but I’ve still said no.

He gets up at 5am every morning to run 5/10k

God I think if I just wanted sex I’d invest in a good vibrator. If you want day time dates, chats, and intimacy along with sex then it’s a relationship. By and large IMO anything else involves at least one party getting hurt.
FWB, situationship, they’re all just variants of a get out of jail free card so one person can abdicate responsibility for the other persons emotions. Life rarely works like that. I think you need to bail out here.