Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

Depends what sort of girls he’s dating IME. If he’s going for girls who are all about that Instagram life, looking immaculate, want a manosphere boyfriend who’s going to take them to Dubai and pay for her nails etc then he’ll be expected to pay. If he’s picking regular girls who want an equal and loving partner it’s more likely she’ll offer to go halves or take turns if it’s more than one date. He needs to be honest with himself what kind of dates these are.

It’s obviously still nice when someone offers to treat you regardless of whether it’s a man/woman/traditional gender role thing. So if he wants to impress he should definitely offer, and be open to a less transactional woman insisting she pay her way.

I never expect the man to pay on the first date. I always offer. Many times the guy says it's fine, I'll pay. And a few times, we have split the bill. I don't like the guy paying especially when the date has been meh and I probably won't see him again. However any subsequent dates, we always split.

Are you talking as an older adult with a job etc or as a student without a job?

Yes I agree with this. These expectations around being treated like a princess etc. are perpetuated even more by social media trends. So it really depends on the kind of girls he is going for.

Depends where they are going for dates. Surely as students they’ll be picking cheaper options like 241 cinema nights or a drink at student bar? If he’s choosing super pricey options, he should pay. I think 50/50 is fair enough as students for ‘normal’ dates

I’m thinking that he’s going for the shallow “treat me like a princess” types. I think he is trying to impress by spending money (misguided in my opinion as he won’t attract the type of girl I’d prefer him to be with) so I don’t think he’s doing the cheaper date nights.

Always the man. I couldn't respect anyone who didn't.

Student DD would expect to pay for herself.
DS is usually keen to pay because he likes to impress.

What about your self respect and behaving like an equal?

Even if he’s a 19 year old student?

Why wouldn’t you respect someone who didn’t pay?

Nowadays it’s strictly 50:50 as far as I’m aware. My sons might elect to treat their girlfriends on occasion, but generally, they split costs. I’m pretty sure they’d (rightfully) run a mile from a girl who thought the man should be paying.

Surely he doesn’t need to be going out for meals as a date especially as a student. What a waste of money.

I agree it's not right for the man to always pay, but I think there is a recognition that the woman has almost always spent more on getting ready for the date.

I'm not a student nor 19 years old but ... back when I was ... I would always expect to split the bill. Firstly because I was independent, the boys I was seeing were no better off than I was, and it wouldn't occur to me to expect a female friend to pay, so why would I ask a guy to do so?

Secondly because if I let him pay, he might expect something in return. Now I'm going back 40 years when attitudes were different, but I never wanted to give any hint that I might 'owe' anything.

I'm shocked at the idea that respect is somehow linked to money.

Wow. Not a believer in equality then?

They're both students in the same financial situation, should be 50/50.

Don't see why two students on the same student loan and the male should pay because he's male.

As a student?! I went on dates having had a shower, washed my hair and thrown on clean clothing. (And still did when I had a job and do now with DH). Surely either anything beyond that is female empowerment and all for how it makes me feel or unnecessary?

There's always one!
Of course a student (without a job?) shouldn't always be expected to pay just because he's a man, how ridiculous.
If he's choosing women who want that, more fool him.

If they are a series of first dates then maybe he feels the urge to pay to try and impress the girl, not look tight, look like you're up for a second date (though that principle relies on the notion that if one person pays for the first the other pays for the second).

But as a general rule once you're seeing someone regularly everything should be even and fairly split.

Is it a problem that he’s choosing these sort of women at 19? Isn’t the idea of being 19 that you don’t want the nice sort of sensible long term girlfriend that mummy would approve of?

Do 19 year olds really involve their parents in their dating trials and tribulations?

I would always split the bill, and always have. I couldn’t respect a woman who allowed a man to pay for her the first time they met.

I know young people don’t drink so much these days but why can’t they just go to the local pub and save expensive meals out for birthdays?

Depends on the situation and also depends on the person. I think if he is asking someone on a date, choosing the venue/making the plans then he’d probably be expected to pay, although I do think most women now would at least offer to pay.

I can see where a man paying for a first date is a nice gesture but thats if it is one first date followed by more that are split, if he’s having 3 first dates a month though that is going to get expensive fast.

I wonder if he just likes to play the rich man, while actually not able to afford it?

The situation is that he is at university and (presumably) the girls are at uni too. Laughable if the girls aren't at uni and instead in a job and expecting a boy at uni to pay!

Is he happy to pay? As long as he doesn't mind then it's fine. Men in love/fanny struck will give away their last penny and see themselves go short. They don't mind. It's only when they go off a woman that they resent paying.