Worried about my future if he leaves

[autisticmumto]

Hello, I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old. We’ve been having more rough patches than good patches lately. Sleep deprivation is a killer and resentment is building on both sides. Neither of us seem happy. I said I want to work on it. He said he needs space to think about what he wants. I’m in the very real situation of him possibly ending things.

I have autism, I currently don’t work and stay at home with my kids. I rely on my partner for things such as making food, going out, taking meds etc, I honestly don’t think I could live fully independently. I’m worried I’ll have to call adult social services for help if he does leave. I have a mum but we wouldn’t be able to move into her house as she already has a lodger.
we own our home equally. He says he’ll help financially if it comes to it but I’m honestly terrified of what to do. I have autism, I had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

What’s stopping you from cooking / looking after the children yourself?

I have autism and struggle with a multitude of daily living tasks including cooking/taking care of myself.

Maybe you need a carer to help with your daily tasks. Why are you scared to call adult social services? If you feel like you have better support, that might give you confidence to leave the marriage because right now, it feels you are staying in it for the wrong reasons.

If I was you OP I would start putting a plan in place now for either building up independence or figuring out what your back up options are support wise. Don’t wait for the day he leaves to try and figure out what to do.

Maybe getting additional support now might help you save the marriage? Maybe he's burnt out.

Perhaps now is the time to try to find new strategies for your meds and things without relying on him so much.

Might be a good time to engage with adult social care and see what support you can access?

It sounds as if he's buckling under the mental and physical load of caring for the three of you, plus working.

If you want to try and save your relationship, the first thing I'd do is acknowledge that he's under a lot of pressure and that you want to find ways to alleviate it. Then I'd sit down and list some ways that could be done. Can ASC offer you some support, for example? Do you receive any benefits, such as PIP, that could be used to pay for some outside help with household tasks. If you're close to your Mum, perhaps she can give some suggestions too.

If your relationship doesn't work out, you're going to need this support anyway, but it may be that with some additional support, your DH will feel less pressured.

@category12 Exactly, he sounds burnt out.

I would be getting your ducks in a row, OP. If he’s so careless to consider leaving the mother of his children and destroying the family unit, then get in there first and LTB

Does he work? How do you cope when he's out of the house? You might have developed coping strategies without knowing it.

I think social services need to be involved OP if you’re honestly saying you cannot take care of those babies. It’s really worrying. Forget your partner trying to leave, you’re in a real vulnerable situation if he genuinely does everything. Something needs to be put in place, I don’t know what exactly but you really need some support.

If you can’t cook for yourself, let alone children, your partner would have full custody in the event you separated.

I’ll be honest, why did you think having children was a good idea?

How do you look after the children while he's out at work? You may be better able to cope than you think. I get the impression he acts as your carer, looks after the kids and goes out to work. That's a lot for one person. Could you get carers in to take that pressure off him?

"He said he needs space to think about what he wants." So he is prioritising what he wants? Not what you or your children need? I'm so sorry OP he sounds like a selfish prick. You might be better off speaking to a social worker for some real help than to rely in such a a man. You deserve so much better.

How do you look after a 2 & 3 year old if you can’t live independently?

hopefuly you can find some extra support as he’s probably just fed up of shouldering 100%.

sadly he would get full custody if can’t look after yourself (and presumably can look after the kids)

Really that’s what you take away from this? Op has basically admitted she can’t take care or herself and I would guess the children. Who do you think has been doing it all then ? Maybe it is all to much for him.

Why should he stay in a relationship that’s obviously taking a toll on his health too? I genuinely don’t understand this “ LTB” because he deserves to be happy as well. I’m sure he’s not said he would stop seeing the children?!

plenty of people with autism learn how to live independently. I’m also concerned as to why to have children if you can’t look after yourself? Sorry to be harsh and blunt here but you have to understand in life sometimes the only person you can rely on is yourself, even if you are married etc.

What can you do to increase your independence and functioning skills? Autism is wide spectrum so what are your specific difficulties?

jeez I didn’t expect the harsh responses. I can look after my children. I can cook basic microwave food/sandwiches when my partner works. My partner works evenings after the kids go to bed so is usually home with us. My children are looked after. It’s my needs that I struggle with. My needs that get neglected if I don’t have someone to support me/prompt me/help me. And I was diagnosed with autism after I had my children. I went through life thinking I was a massive weirdo and was just bad at being an adult. My children are my world. I was diagnosed with autism after having a breakdown and almost taking my own life. I am aware I am a massive burden on my partner and it’s something we’ve discussed before.

Also just to add that just because I’ve said I don’t think I can live fully independently doesn’t mean I can’t take care of my children. It means I’m a vulnerable adult who needs support, not my children taking away from me. I am asking for advice from anyone who has been through similar or who knows someone who has.

Would things like visual prompts, reminders, phone alarms etc help? Ideally you would start small and slow, to take responsibility for yourself and your needs and build up on it. For your own wellbeing.

Ok so you've just said you CAN look after your children. So if he wants to end the relationship that's what you're going to have to do. Did you think you would go the rest of your life with him looking after all of you, financially, physically, emotionally all of it ?
He doesn't have to do that. No-one does.

All those saying how selfish he is, can you imagine if this were the other way around and a woman was posting that her dp was newly diagnosed autistic and she was now expected to be main carer, the only one that works, the one doing everything etc.
Yes, it would be great if he was happy with this and willing to take this on, live this life. But he ISN'T and he doesn't have to. No-one should be expected to do that if they dobt want to. Its HIS only life too and he doesn't sound like a prick. Just someone who has had enough.

Yes I think this is something the occupational therapist is going to help me with. I’ve only had my first session so hopefully it will help. Thank you for being kind ❤️

This is harsh. You have no idea what he’s going through and how he feels.

When did I ever say I had any bad feelings towards him? I acknowledge that being with a disabled partner is a lot and it is taxing and exhausting. I don’t understand why you’re being mean for no reason? You don’t know me or my situation. Obviously I don’t expect anyone to take care of me, financially or otherwise, but I will admit that I struggle. I’m a stay at home mum, I do my fair share of work.

If you have had a breakdown, been diagnosed autistic, and have two very young children, I’m surprised you don’t have any kind of family support in place from social services. Sounds like you need it.

Do your children go to nursery?

Hi OP, I was diagnosed with autism after my children were born, had a breakdown after exH and I separated, and also needed help to look after my own needs while I recovered. My DC were always had their needs met, too.

Early Help were invaluable. I had a key worker after my exH referred me after my breakdown. He and I get on very well and coparent brilliantly. Having some time to myself when our DC were at his enabled me to decompress in a way that just wasn't possible while we all lived together.

PIP allowed me to get a cleaner for 2 hours once a fortnight.

ASC may be able to help you. It wasn't deemed necessary for them to become involved with me, so I don't know exactly what they do in these situations.

Alarms for medication helped me enormously.

I know you feel terrified, overwhelmed, and helpless right now, but it's very possible that you will be able to rebuild some independence as your DC get older and the relentlessness of looking after small children eases.