how to deal with ex’s new partner

[Angel98]

accidentally put this in someone’s post so don’t comment there, sorry about that.

how to coparent when there could be a new partner?

me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. i found out today that he has been seeing someone for 3 months. we share a 1 year old together. i made it clear that i wouldn’t feel comfortable having my child be around someone who she doesn’t really know. i don’t want my child getting attached and then it not working out and suddenly that person isn’t in her life anymore.
i said i wouldn’t feel comfortable feel the same way about introducing a potential partner of mine. i told him that if it does become serious and he wants to introduce them just to give me the heads up for peace of mind. i really do hope that she is nice and good with my kid but also i can’t help but feel that feeling of “what if she tries to overstep boundaries?”
i think i just need some help from mums who are coparenting to the best of their abilities.

You can't stop him from introducing a new partner in afraid op, sorry

My ex and I have a generally good co parenting relationship but I definitely struggled when his new girlfriend moved in about 6 months after we split. I felt like I had only just finished reeling and he was already moved on.

You're not unreasonable to be feeling this way, and I think if you can try and talk calmly to him about your daughter's best interests, taking it slow and making sure his time with her is really just about your child, not the girlfriend. HOWEVER, you do need to brace yourself that if he can't or won't listen, there's not much you can do. I tied myself in knots trying to force him to follow 'rules' but honestly, when I really understood that I couldn't it was strangely easier.

2 years down the line and things are better. My ex did introduce his gf a lot earlier than I wanted but I don't feel like there's been any overstepping from her so it's better than I feared - and while my daughter loves the gf, I've never ever felt she's at all confused about who her mum is and who she prefers. Try and keep communication through your ex, and aim to see the gf as just another friendly adult, not a parent.

**Edit as realised you aren’t asking to meet her. You can’t insist he lets you know or holds off on meeting her.

FYI I am a stepmum and I’ve got no interest in overstepping boundaries.

Some of us dads have the same fear / concerns too @Angel98!

We have a 2 year old and my relationship with her mother broke down just before Xmas. She is now in a 3 month relationship.

We’ve spoken and agreed our child needs stability, and introducing them too early to a new partner would not be good for the child right now, and that we’ll have another conversation in 3 months time about it.

I’m hoping she’ll stick to our agreement but if she doesn’t then I can’t do anything about it.

Ideally he’ll put his child first and concentrate on his contact time being about them and see his girlfriend when you have your child. If he doesn’t do that then I think being level headed about introductions might help. Your child is very young, and their primary relationships are with you and their dad. Even if the relationship doesn’t last long and they’ve spent some time with your ex’s girlfriend, they aren’t going to be bereft by the loss. Young children deal with change in the people around them all the time: nursery staff, teachers, activity group leaders etc in their lives come and go, and they absorb that change. It’s not the same as impermanence with primary caregivers.

If she’s any sense herself, she won’t want to get involved for a while: I can’t imagine just beginning to date somebody and having any interest in getting involved in their parenting time, until things were well established.

yeah i get you i think its just learning to accept that there might be another person in my daughters life that i dont rlly know much about her.

this has actually given me some hope. i’m doing my best not to compare myself or try to gain information about her because that is his life and he deserves his privacy.

i think it’s just hard not being able to be in control with it. i’ve talked to him about how i personally feel about introducing any partners i end up meeting and he seemed a bit defensive so i let it go.

can i ask what’s it like being a step mum. did you have children before you met ur partner?

i just really hope that it’ll work out and hopefully if she is introduced to my child then she’s there for the long term and she’s good with my girl

I seriously doubt his new relationship will cope with a baby in the mix so soon.
You can't dictate who he has around your dc..
Make the most of the 'break' from childcare and be fresh when your dc comes back.

it gives me anxiety knowing that my child could be around someone i know nothing about, i’m hoping everything works out well for you

My partners mum deals with his ex a lot with regards to arranging contact with his children and she kept me quiet for months whereas my partner didn’t care and wanted me to meet his kids.
little did we know she had a partner of 3 years who had already met the kids years ago!
no point worrying or trying to control the situation.

My DH had a baby daughter when we first got together, I’d known him for years by that point and there had been no overlap with his ex wife. I never overstepped boundaries, I could never to that for my own self respect. I was never anything other than positive about her mum and spoke very kindly about her.i have grown to love his dd who is now in her twenties and a mum herself, she loves me too, we have a lovely relationship which I hold dear. She has a better relationship with her mum, of course she does and I’m very happy for them both, at the risk of sounding condescending, I can assure you, it isn’t meant that way. Us stepmoms aren’t all rotten, lol

i do understand you want to put boundaries in place, but I wanted to give you a different perspective, boundaries can be honoured by all parties and are not always resisted or tested. My stepdds mum also honoured my relationship with her dd, she never viewed it as me taking anything away from her, I really respected her for that and I have always thought she was a good mum. That said, when stepdd was here, I cared for her and was hands on in many ways and I did discipline her when necessary, but only with the small behaviours, misbehaving etc.

Good luck to you. You can’t stop him introducing them, but you can foster a good relationship between you all. If she disappears again, then just explain it to your dd, she will understand it’s not her fault if you explain about adult relationships breaking down. It’s not an easy thing but it’s the only way if your ex is unwilling to wait a while.

thank you for this. i messaged my ex saying to him how i feel but that if he’s serious about his new partner and she’s lovely to my daughter than that is perfect for me.

the last thing that i want to do is judge this woman because if she ends up being a safe space for my daughter then i will have nothing but respect for her.

i think it’s just such a big change that im struggling with the anxiety of not knowing

Another stepmum perspective - if she's anything like me, she'll be terrified at the thought of meeting her boyfriend's child! Will she like me? What if she doesn't? Will her mum want to meet me? What if SHE doesn't like me? What if I accidentally overstep? How on earth do I handle this?!

You're picturing a confident woman who has every intention of swooping in and replacing you in the eyes of your child. I promise you, that's likely to be so far from the truth.