Dreading empty nest as husband grows grumpier with age

[terracottasucculent]

Been with DH a long time. 3 young adult/teen kids - oldest 2nd year uni, youngest doing GCSEs. We are early 50s.

He's a good man and I would say that broadly we've had a happy marriage. There's been a degree of financial/career stress in recent years which hasn't been easy - but we've kept it together and aware people have gone through worse.

However, I feel an increasing sense of dread about the future - when the kids have properly flown the nest and it's just us. They are such lovely and fun young people (most of the time anyway 😂) but DH has just got grumpier with age. He's always had a short fuse and in recent years it's become a bit worse I think.

Aware we've probably got another decade max of uni years/kids boomeranging back and forth...but then what? Our pensions aren't great and I imagine we will be working for another 15 years or so.

Our relationship has many strengths/good things, and he's not a grumpy idiot all the time - BUT I just don't relish the thought of being alone with a frequently-irritable old man, without the 'buffer' of a busy family life. How do others cope with this?

It’s likely stress making him grumpier. I was you two years ago. Now that we are retired (60+), the stress has fallen off my DH and we are having fun again just the two of us.

In addition, some men in their 50/60s do go through a watered down, far more gentle male version of menopause- andropause that can cause irritability. There is HRT for them as well if blood tests show a hormonal imbalance. Not excusing him losing his temper, just saying he doesn’t have to struggle alone.

In my case, both of us have become grumpier. I am not easy to live with myself. We have had a lot of stress over the past few years. The menopause is really kicking my butt and he has a very stressful job.

Solo trips are my saviour. That and lots of hobbies.

@SummerFeverVenice - that's good to hear things are better. But I feel my resentment and intolerance growing, particularly as I worry it could impact our relationship with the kids.

He has been a good, hands on dad to the kids. He is demonstrative, fun and affectionate a lot of the time. But then the grumpiness rears his head - last night he shouted at one of them over something so minor.

If 'home' means being told off over how to load the dishwasher/snapped at from your Dad, why stick around longer than you have to?

What has he said when you’ve brought all of this up with him?

I’m 45 and could have written a similar post (DCs one off to uni, other GCSEs) I’m hoping for us it’s menopause, work stress, busy lives, bit of chronic health stuff that needs managing… love my DH, 20 years together and hoping as life slows we’ll rediscover enjoying life together a bit more… until then keeping time for me keeps me sane!!

Edited to add - DH has struggled more transitioning to having a relationship with young adults, stepping back in terms of parenting everything… the relationship is not always great but I think it will get there.

@CharlotteRumpling - great name btw! I am menopausal too, but the difference is - I think I AM quite easy to live with! 😅 None of us are perfect of course, but I don't go around losing my shit over stuff. I resent this in terms of our family dynamic - why does it fall to me to keep things light and pleasant in the house?

I do need to get better at 'doing my own thing'. Have a demanding job and some great friends - but increasingly lack motivation to socialise.

Perhaps he is worried about the future too? Perhaps he is stressed? Perhaps he needs to see a doctor? He’s acting slightly unusual for him so that’s a sign something is wrong

don’t assume men just become grumpy old guys for no reason

talk

@PicklePalace - he will apologise but in quite a dismissive way. His behaviour doesn't change.

OP, the kids aren't there to "protect" you from your husband! I'm sure you've brought them up well, so they should be leaving home ASAP and getting on with their lives.
We all get a bit grumpy as we age, but you'll find that the stress will actually decline - retire as early as you can, and that will help. Do things together with your husband, but also make sure that you have separate hobbies and interests - there is no need to be joined at the hip.
I think you've primarily viewed yourself as a parent, so now is the time to start being an individual - take up a new hobby, start volunteering etc and don't just be "Mum".

It shouldn't fall to you.
I have to make a concerted effort to keep things light and pleasant sometimes. I am not naturally a pleasant person and seem to have got sarkier and more cynical with age. I have to try hard not to be. I also find it hard to apologise. I guess I am your DH!

Neither of us snaps at the kids though. Mostly at each other. Still not good.
DH is hoping to take early retirement and I am supportive of that. I know you don't have the choice.

I’m menopausal and DP is seventy. I work hard at keeping my irascibility to myself, and find the best way to deal with DP’s more grumpy moments is to draw his attention to how hyperbolic he’s become…tiny things that become “scandalous” etc, and we laugh it away and he stops.

I am older - DH has this annoyed, critical tone of voice which he denies using -claims he talked normally. I would carry on as normal to avoid escalating it - now I challenge it - and he is gradually improving .
He is also negative eg we are planning a bbq -oh, it’s bound to rain then🙄. which I ignore. But his worst angry moods are due to anxiety or stress - even going away for a few days -the days before he is sullen and grumpy.
He ran huge projects in his working days but somehow anxiety = grumpiness.
I would say talking about it is best hope he probably doesn’t know why he does it

If 'home' means being told off over how to load the dishwasher/snapped at...

I did tell the DC off when they were in sixth form and were doing chores half arsed. They still come home, we talk almost daily and they sent me beautiful cards for Mother’s Day.

Perhaps you feel irritated too but are directing it at your DH because you don’t want to pull teenagers up on their BS?

DH has also become very fussy and nitpicky, before anyone feels too sorry for him. Keeps banging on about the dishwasher and recycling. That's why I get grumpy. I don't want to spend my one wild and precious life thinkng about the dishwasher. He, on the other hand, thinks a job worth doing is worth doing well.

Honestly I think having adjoining houses is best at this stage of life, like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter. As we are all grumpy. But who can afford that?

I sympathise op. I don't know how I'm going to fill the days.

Ours have had Saturday school as teens so we are always driving somewhere. Theres always tons of laundry and house cleaning to do. DH often works at the weekend.

When the kids go and we are downsizing, what on earth will I do with my weekends? I dread them at the moment as all I do is chores or feel bored once all my jobs are done.

I don't have a grumpy DH but he has a proper career whereas I have a term time job that fits around the DC.

When the children go, what will I do with the next 30yrs? I don't want to volunteer, I don't want to retrain. I'm so tired after work I'm in bed by 8pm.

I feel a dearth of interest in pretty much anything. Not interested in food, though I like a nice lunch out, I can't be bothered cooking recipes.

Even HRT hasn't helped this. It's like a mild existential dread!!

Weekends: I go on solo breaks, book club, museum trips, art galleries, plays and ballet. I do these with DH too but also solo. There's so much to do apart from the kids!

Make plans! - I made sure my life was filled with all the things that mattered to me and got these on the go before the chidlren finally left. Then he can stay at home and be grumpy to his heart's content!

Or make some plans with him - give him something to look forward to.

Oh: join a choir! It's pure joy, fun and stress busting.

@CharlotteRumpling all good ideas thank you!

I will admit to feeling quite panicky at the idea of what to do with the rest of my life!

DH has def got more Victor Meldrew as he ages (late 50s), but can also be good fun. I have health issues so retirement isn’t going to be as exciting as we envisaged years ago, sadly.
We had about 8 months of empty nest until DC boomeranged back and there’s good and bad with both scenarios. I guess we have another couple of years with one or another at home - prob when DH will retire. Currently I work in his business so I’d either have to find another job, or if finances allow, retire myself and volunteer. My health is shit though so will need to see how things are then.

I am in London so I don't have that problem. A million things to do, many free. But am sure these exist everywhere.

My kids are grown and busy. Building a life for myself dependent on no one.
My sister in the same position has taken up painting and has got good enough to exhibit.

This could have been written by me! Very much the dynamic in our house. We both work hard and share the cooking etc. But it's only me who seems to take on the emotional labour for everyone else's happiness and mental health. My daughter said recently when we had a last minute travel problem abroad "I know if mum is here I don't need to worry because she'll sort it out and make everything all right". Which is a lovely compliment and nice to be appreciated but sometimes I think it's a shame that no one seems to think about whether I'm happy/all right because I'm responsible for me too. But I digress...

Anyway, I think you've actually answered your own question in your last para. Use the time and space created by your kids being older and more independent to do new and enjoyable things that enrich your life. If husband doesn't want to join you that's not your problem. In the last year I've learned to cycle (never thought I would) and love going out pedalling around the cycle paths and seeing a whole new perspective on our town, see friends more regularly including a monthly sleepover with bestie where we go out on Friday night and then to the gym together sat morning, started getting gel nails done (I know it's not for everyone but something I always fancied but never had the time), went on a little trip to Paris with daughter (husband was invited but moaned that he was too busy at work to take time off, he was gobsmacked that we actually went without him). I'm loving my second youth!

I tell mine to pack this in all the time, I refuse to put up with it because I will not retire and live with it full time.

I went on a solo trip to Venice recently. It was fabulous. Two years ago, I went to Crete.

OP could you sit with him when things are calm and talk about this e.g. say "I notice you appear to be fed up/grumpy more lately and I am wondering why" etc etc. I think men struggle with midlife as well but are often not in touch with their feelings.