Can't tell him about my work

[stopaskingme]

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

Just tell him you're a spy and you're not allowed to answer any questions.
"I could tell you but I'd have to kill you" or some such phrase.

Why on earth would he need to know that level of detail? Him questioning on that level would be a huge red flag to me.

I don’t think I’ve ever had that level of work discussion with a partner in my life, including my Ex H I was with for 27 years.

I would ask him ‘why does it matter to you?’

If you really are a "civil servant" (wink wink nudge nudge) should you really be posting that on here?

Well if you do work for MI5 then invent a cover story. Say you work at the Home office HQ in Westminster and run a team or something.

Just tell him that you aren't allowed to give any more details.

If he doesn't know that fact then of course he is going to want to know more about what you do.

If he still pushes when he knows then that's another matter.

It’s a normal question surely? Is for me anyway

Does your employer not provide guidance on this?

I’m having trouble believing you’re a civil servant. People who work for MI5 or MI6 will say they work for the home office or FCDO respectively and have cover explanations they can give about what they do. People who work for departments with higher security requirements like the FCDO can share that they work there. I’m struggling to think of a genuine civil service occupation where you wouldn’t have a ‘civilian’ explanation you could give. Maybe he thinks you’re a fantasist as you’re being needlessly secretive and evasive and frankly you sound like one?

I don’t think it’s that weird to want to know how to contact your work in an emergency, eg DH and I have numbers for each other’s line managers, but six months seems early for that.

What to ask someone’s work address and emergency contact details? No a not normal question in my experience.

I’ve never asked it and never been asked

You'd think, wouldn't you!
Seems unlikely they'd want their spies asking mumsnet to make up cover stories for them.

You really need to take advice from someone in your department and not post on a public forum.

I’m not being snarky - I have family who were in jobs they couldn’t talk about and they are very wary of their digital footprints.

Perhaps ask MN to take this thread down. Other people in your organisation are best placed to help with this.

There are very few roles in the CS where you can't say what you do.

Unless you're in CT work and undercover or similar, just tell him you work for the MOD / HO / MOJ / DFT / FCO (whichever pays your wages) as an analyst or as an assessor or a financial manager or as a diplomat or whatever the main work truly boils down to.

If you are undercover, surely your work have a policy on what you can tell people and when?

If you see a future with him, you need to tell him thing. I wouldn't stick around with someone who wouldn't tell me their job, I'd assume they were a fantasist.

And if OP was undercover or similar, they’d have prepped for this.

Really having trouble believing this is genuine! I’d be asking questions too in his shoes.

Be careful, OP. He might be a honeytrap. You should really get him security vetted.

Is it because you are not on social media, and he is trying to find out if you're not married / haven't given him a fake name ?

Quite. I worked with UC teams in the police many moons ago, and they all had their cover stories for every element of their work, including the rwrare rare occurrence of coming into a police station!

I work in a sensitive area, but only from my own safety perspective - if the wrong people know what I do and the risk of them trying to pressure me or similar. So I generalise my employer and play down my role.

What you lived with someone for 27 years and genuinely never asked where their office was or how to contact them at work in an emergency? Sure.

Tell him that if you tell him, you’ll have to kill him.

Surely if you’re clever enough to be a proper secret squirrel then you should be able to come up with a convincing cover story.

Well indeed!

If you can’t even bat your boyfriend off from asking awkward questions then your legend is clearly shit and you’re not very good at your job. You also shouldn’t be posting on here. Not very professional.

Why would I need any number other than his mobile?

And I know where his office was but it’s not a conversation we ever had. I don’t think he knew where mine was - he certainly never once came in, just let me at the nearest pub.

The lady man I dated, other than him knowing my line of work, it wasn’t a conversation we had. He wouldn’t have a clue what company I worked for.

Is he a Chinese national looking to go into a business set up with you?

Do you have to tell your employer you're in a new relationship?

He is asking because he thinks you may be lying about your job. With any of my partners or friends, pretty much any day I’d have discussed my job in detail, what I did that day etc. They’ll have picked me up from work, met my colleagues etc.

Your work needs to give you a better legend. With details etc. If you’re based at secure sites, just say so.

And usually there would still be an emergency number etc.

If you applied for a joint mortgage, insurance etc, what details would go fine there? You/ your job haven’t really thought this through.

Not having any knowledge beyond watching films - but knowing what the rules are for people asking for information about relatives/people they know from somebody who works for the NHS or in Education - surely a new person you're dating being like a dog with a bone about what you do would be something you have to immediately flag up with your manager?